(Helen is in the living room, looking at the photo album. Daria walks in.)
Helen: Oh, look, sweetie! Here you are at Camp Dragonfly! Didn't you just love being at that camp with all of the nice people and fun activities?
Daria: Yes. It’s one of my fondest memories. Especially since none of the ‘nice people' talked to me, I didn't participate in any of the 'fun' activities, and the food really sucked. All in all, a great week of hell.
Helen: (sighs) Oh, Daria, I wish you wouldn't be so negative. After all, people are attracted to a positive, energetic person with lots of interests. (perky now) So, being more positive would help you expand your circle of friends! (under breath) Which, God knows, needs expanding.
Daria: Come on, Mom. You don't actually expect me to fall for that circle of friends crap.
Helen: (angry) Daria, I've told you not to use that kind of language in this household! And look at Quinn: she has an extensive circle of friends, and she's happy, which is more than I can say for you, Daria. Sometimes I just can't understand why you aren't more like your sister!
Daria: (angry - you know, she's pulled the tops of her eyes together like they're eyebrows) What I can't understand is why you compare me to her all the time; all of her friendships are based on the fact that they use a common hair conditioner
Helen: (apologetic now) "Sweetie, what I meant is ...
(Quinn walks in, talking on the phone)
Quinn: (on phone) He was, like, really nice and cute and stuff, but I, like, went into his bathroom to put on some more lipstick, and I looked in his shower. He uses Head & Shoulders! I can, like, NOT date guys with dandruff. And, like, even if he did have it, he could have gone to a salon for hair-care stuff instead of a supermarket, or whatever. I mean, your hair is, like, important. So guys should have to take care of theirs, too.
Feminine-sounding voice on the other end of the phone: Quinn, how do you know it isn't his dad's?
Quinn: Sta-cy! You're missing the point. I wouldn't be caught dead with someone whose dad uses Head & Shoulders! Isn't dandruff, like, generic?

Stacy: Uh, Quinn, it’s genetic.
Quinn: Gawd, Stacy, you sound like my sis–uh, cousin!
(Daria glares at Helen, then at Quinn, and stalks out of the room)
Jake: (yelling from upstairs) Helen, where's my Head & Shoulders? I've looked everywhere!
Helen: (exasperated but still calm-sounding) Try the shower, Jakey.
Stacy: Who was that?
Quinn: Uh, nobody. Like, the neighbors. (runs out of the room and slams the door)
Jake: (relieved) Found it! Thanks, honey!
Helen: (still slightly exasperated) Any time, Jakey. (walks out of the room to find Daria)

(Scene opens, showing Lawndale High School. Bell rings. Scene switches to Mr. O'Neill's class. Ms. Li enters.)
Ms. Li: Good morning, students. I have just come here from a meeting with the exalted Junior Camping League of America, and they have proposed a way that eight lucky students will be able to distinguish themselves in a special extracurricular activity.
Jane: (to Daria) Oh, this is gonna be good.
Ms. Li: These students will be selected from the many of you who I'm sure will apply, and they will be allowed to attend a special camp where they will have a true wilderness experience.
(Jane cocks her eyebrow and Kevin waves his football in the air. Ms. Li ignores him.)
Kevin: Yo! Hey! HEY! HEYYYYYY!
Ms. Li: (looks annoyed) Yes, Mr. Thompson?
Kevin: But, like, what if no one wants to, like, do the camping thing?
Brittany: Oh, Kevvy, you’re sooo smart! I would have never thought to ask questions like that!
Ms. Li: In that unlikely event, I’ll have to make application mandatory for those of you who plan on graduating.
Kevin: Oh, good, I thought I might have to do it for a second there.
Daria: You thought?
Ms. Li: (glares at Kevin, then continues) Well, everyone, should you choose to utilize this great opportunity to bestow honor unto yourselves, and unto Lawndale High by applying, please speak to Mr. O’Neill. He’ll be our head counselor.

(Scene changes to a while later, right at the end of Mr. O’Neill’s class. The bell rings and Daria and Jane walk out into the hall, talking.)
Jane: Who does Ms. Li think she's kidding? No one is going to sign up for that.
Daria: Yeah, I bet its just another one of her money-making schemes. Even total idiots wouldn't sign up for it.
(Jane and Daria look at each other.)
Jane: You have a point there, my dear. A whole week away from Brittany, Kevin, and (impersonating Ms. Li) Lawwwndale High.
(Pan out; we see that Upchuck is eavesdropping on Jane and Daria's conversation.)
Upchuck: (to himself) Rrrrrr.... A week in the wilderness with the luscious lovelies! (He goes back up to the doorway of the classroom and puts his head around the doorframe.) Oh, Mr. O'Neill!

(New scene opens in Mr. O'Neill's classroom.)
Mr. O'Neill: Daria, Jane, I'm really pleased that you girls decided to sign up for the field trip. Ms. Li told me that Camp Chief Wagga-Walla - that's where we're staying - has cabins, showers, and even a kitchen! And Mr. DeMartino has even agreed to come along as our chef! Yum, I can't even wait for those home-cooked meals! You know, everything tastes better when you're outdoors.
Jane: (under her breath) Especially when you've just survived an attack by crazed and rabid bears.
Daria: Oooh, rabid. Yes. Very good.

(Scene switches to Jane and Daria talking at Daria's locker.)
Daria: Do you think we're making a mistake about this? Mr. DeMartino is coming along, and I bet the kitchen has a lot of sharp knives in it.
Jane: I think risking Mr. DeMartino turned horror movie star is worth a week away from this place.
(Pans to include Brittany and Kevin walking down the hall.)
Brittany: Kevvy, we need some more romance in our relationship. Just yesterday, Angie told me that she saw you making out with Rachel! You just don't appreciate me, do you?
Kevin: But babe, I wasn't making out with Rachel, that was Kelly. I mean, uhhh...
Brittany: Kevvy! I can't believe you! You're going to have to make this up to me!
Kevin: Huh?
Brittany: I know, we can sign up for that camping thingy! That would be sooo romantic!
Kevin: But babe, I can’t miss my games! The Packers are playing the Steelers and I have to see it!
Brittany: You think that the stupid Pigskin Channel is more important than me, don’t you? Well, I have one thing to say about that; you're going camping with me, or its over! And this time, I mean it!
(Brittany drags Kevin off in the direction of Mr. O'Neill's room. Daria looks mad - she's doing the eyelid thing again; Jane looks horrified)
Jane: Oh, God! Did you hear that?
Daria: A whole week away from Brittany and Kevin, you said. A whole week away from Brittany and Kevin!
Jane: Come on, we really need to talk to Mr. O'Neill.

(Scene opens in Mr. O'Neill's classroom.)
Mr. O'Neill: Oh, come on girls, it'll be fun! Plus, I already turned the application sheets in, and Ms. Li said that, under no circumstances, could I withdraw applicants.
Jane: (under breath) I wonder why she ever did that?
Daria: (also under breath) Perhaps so she could trap more unsuspecting pupils to be guinea pigs in her sick experiment about how much torture human beings can take?
Jane: Well, I guess I have to ask. Who are the other four?
Mr. O'Neill: Let's see. Oh, there's Jodie and Mack; they signed up right off the bat, then there's that other girl. You know, the one with that hair.
Daria: Sorry, despite your incredibly thorough description, I can’t quite picture her.
Mr. O’Neill: (oblivious) What was her name again? Amanda? Ashley? I'll remember in a second, I'm sure, (shuffles through seating charts) Ah, yes. Andrea.
Daria: And the last one? That's only seven.
Mr. O'Neill: That nice boy, Charles.
Daria and Jane: (in unison, sounding completely horrified) Upchuck?

(Later that day; Daria and Jane are walking home.)
Daria: It's even worse than we thought. We're going to be stuck in the woods with Upchuck for a whole week. Shoot me now, and get it over with.
Jane: Plus we have to leave at four in the morning on a Monday. Personally, I doubt I'll need the gun.
Daria: I'm guessing Trent won't be there to see you off?
Jane: You're damn right about that, sister. Why? Did you want him there to see you off?
Daria: (blushing furiously) The noose just wasn’t tight enough, was it?

(In the van, driving up to camp.)
Daria: Well, we're stuck in the wilderness with Brittany, Kevin, and Upchuck, but we survived the drug dogs and pupil scans Ms. Li unleashed on us. I guess it's not that bad so far.
(Kevin begins singing "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall".)
Jane: (to Daria) You were saying...?

(Scene changes to later in the van.)
Mr. O'Neill: We should be there any minute now, kids! Won't this be fun?
Jane : Yes, it's been particularly fun spending the last two and a half hours on this dirt road.
Daria : Come on! We've only fallen into one pothole and had two flat tires.
(Van turns into clearing. A sign that says "Camp Chief Wagga-Walla" is in at the entrance to the clearing. A campfire pit in the middle of the clearing is the only sign of civilization there.)

Commercial break: slow motion of Daria and Jane looking horrified when Mr. O'Neill tells them that Upchuck is coming on the trip.

Mr. O'Neill: This is some mistake! Ms. Li said there would be showers, cabins, and a kitchen. She even said that the cabins had air conditioning!
Jodie: (under her breath) He believed Ms. Li when she said that?
(Mr. O'Neill begins to run around frantically.) Mr. O'Neill: Oh God! God, what have I done? What have I done?!?
Daria: I think someone should do something about him.
Jane: Yeah, I guess we were wrong when we thought that Mr. DeMartino was the schizo one.
Ms. Barch: (fishing around in her purse) I know I had it in here somewhere. Ah yes. (She pulls out a hypodermic syringe. On the side it says 'Tranquilize-a-Man'.)
(Ms. Barch chases after Mr. O'Neill and gives him the shot. Mr. O'Neill falls to the ground.)
Ms. Barch: That should keep him out for a good two hours. It's a fortunate thing that I had the foresight to bring two wall tents. Let's set them up before the wolves come out.
Brittany: Wolves? Kevvy...
Kevin: Don't worry, babe, I'll protect you.
Daria: Yeah, don’t worry, Brittany; he’ll make sure to get eaten first. I don’t think they like the taste of Spandex, anyway.
Jane: (whispers to Daria) Jock. The other white meat.
Brittany: (oblivious to Jane & Daria’s comments) Oh, Kevvy!
Mr. DeMartino: KE-VIN and BRIT-TAN-Y! Now that we are quite through with this TOUCHING scene, everyone, get to WORK! NOW!
Ms. Barch: Ladies, our tent will be set up right over there, in that patch of grass. Get the tent and poles from the top of the van and start setting it up. (sees the guys just sitting around and grows visibly angry) Oh, yes, you odious garbage; just sit there while the women do all the work! You dare to call yourselves human, yet you sit there JUST LIKE HE DID! And after twenty-two...
(Jodie takes her arm)
Jodie: Mack and I'll do it, Ms. Barch. Right Mack? (she grabs Mack by the hand and starts to take him over to the van, but Upchuck stops her.)
Upchuck: Allow me, fair maiden. I am, as you probably know, a most accomplished outdoorsman. Grrrr...Eep!
(Upchuck "eep"s as Ms. Barch grabs him by the ear.)
Ms. Barch: Shut your filthy, lying mouth, you disgusting worm! (She smashes him with a bundle from the top of the van. He staggers under the weight and starts groaning and swaying around.) Now move it, Upchuck! You offered! Lets see you put up that tent, you utter disgrace of a human being!
(Upchuck grunts, drops the bundle, and starts attempting to put the tent up. He's soon utterly entangled in it, and Ms. Barch is screaming insults and curses at him.)

(A little later; both tents are set up, and Ms. Barch is walking out of a tent in the foreground, wiping her hands. A little in the background, Mr. DeMartino, complete with a white apron and a chef’s hat with a red band on it, has set up a fire in the fire-ring, and has about twelve spitted chickens roasting over it. Mr. O'Neill is still knocked out, Jane and Daria are talking, Brittany and Kevin are making out, Upchuck is spying on them, Andrea is reading a book of Poe stories, and Jodie and Mack are just sitting around.)
Mr. DeMartino: DinNER is reaDY!
(Everyone groups around the campfire.)
Mr. DeMartino: Now, I have a very SPECIAL story to tell you all about the HORRORS our brave men SUFFERED through in the Vietnam WAR. Not that any of you OAFS would care about the TERRORS of that ORdeal.
Kevin: Does it have blood in it?
Mr. DeMartino: Of course it does, SON. This is WAR!
Kevin: Heh-hey! Cool! Does it have maggots, too?
Upchuck: I think that it is time for me to retire to my bed. Would any of you ladies like to accompany me? (He looks at Andrea) You, missy?
(As Upchuck walks by Andrea, she sticks out her foot and trips him. Upchuck falls flat on his face.)
Andrea: (watches him fall with obvious pleasure) Moron.
Upchuck: Is that a yes... or a no? Grrrrowl!
Kevin: (totally oblivious to the action between Andrea and Upchuck) Hey, you hear that, Mack Daddy? It has blood in it! And maggots! Cool, huh?
Mack: (exasperated) Yes, I heard, Kevin. And don't call me that.
Mr. DeMartino: I never SAID anything about MAGGOTS, you CLOWN!
Kevin: Saw-reee, bro.
(Moaning is heard from the van.)
Ms. Barch: Timothy! ... I mean... I'll go see if he’s awake.
(Ms. Barch leaves, and Upchuck sneaks after her.)

(Scene switches to Ms. Barch and Mr. O'Neill making out in the van. There's a loud crash outside.)
Ms. Barch: Upchuck! If that's you, I'll ring your scrawny little neck!
(Ms. Barch gets out of the car just in time to see Upchuck running off towards the boys' tent.)
Ms. Barch: I'll fix you, you disgusting little weevil. (she reaches into the van, opens the glove compartment, and takes a bulging, battered McDonald’s Happy Meal bag.)
Mr. O'Neill: But Janet...
Ms. Barch: Don't ‘but Janet’ me, you man! (Leaves.)
(Mr. O’Neill starts crying)

(Scene opens. It's the next morning, and everyone is sitting around the campfire.)
Ms. Barch: Ladies, today I'll be taking you on a hike. And, Charles, you're coming with us. I don't want you out of my sight!
Upchuck: Yes, ma'am! Grrrrowl!
Ms. Barch: Upchuck!
Upchuck: (meekly) Okay, sorry.
(Ms. Barch turns her back.)
Upchuck: (quietly) Feisty!

(A little later; Ms. Barch, the five girls, and Upchuck are walking through the woods. Brittany is walking at the end of the column, and Kevin can be seen behind a nearby bush.)
Kevin: Pssst! Babe! This is getting boring. Let's go suck face!
Brittany: Kevvy, I've told you, that's a disgusting expression. But okay!
(Kevin and Brittany sneak off together; Upchuck sees them and follows them.)

(A few minutes pass.)
Ms. Barch: Upchuck! Where are you, you little fiend?
(She's met with silence.)
Ms. Barch: (under breath) Damn it, Upchuck! And my plan was so perfect!
Jane: (quietly, to Daria) Plan?
Daria: You know. The aliens.
Jane: Ohhhh. Yeah.

(Back at camp; Mr. O'Neill is in the foreground, pacing and muttering to himself.)
Mr. O'Neill: Arrgh! I can't take it anymore! I'm all icky and dirty! (looks in direction of van; suddenly his face lights up. Walks up to the tent in the background.) Anthony, I'm taking the van for a little while, maybe an hour or so, to go find showers. See you in a little bit!
(Sound of Mr. DeMartino snoring. Mr. O'Neill runs back to the van, gets in, and speeds off.)

(Scene switches to Brittany and Kevin making out in the woods. Extremely loud crashing and crunching noises can now be heard.)
Brittany: Babe, do you hear something?
Kevin: Yeah. What is that, babe?
(Upchuck falls into the clearing.)
Brittany: Oh my God! It's that despicable Upchuck!
Kevin: (to Upchuck) Hey man! How's it going?
Brittany: Kevvy! Don't you get it? That pervert Upchuck was spying on us. Get him!
(Upchuck runs off into the woods.)
Kevin: Hey! Where are you going? (Runs off after Upchuck.)

(A few minutes pass. Kevin is still running through the woods, but seems pretty confused.)
Kevin: Babe? Where are you, babe? I can't see that guy anywhere! Babe?
(Kevin runs out onto a road. He makes eye contact with Mr. O'Neill, who is speeding down the road, but its obviously too late. Switches to Kevin’s POV. Brakes screech and the screen goes black.)

Commercial break: slow motion of Andrea tripping Upchuck.

(Back to normal POV.)
Kevin: Ahhhrrrgh!
Mr. O'Neill: Oh my sweet jeepers! Don't worry, Charles, I'll get you to a hospital!
(Mr. O'Neill drags Kevin into the van and speeds off again.)

(Scene changes to Upchuck limping through the woods at about .1 miles per hour, tripping and gasping like he's about to die.)
Upchuck: Must get... Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!!! Is that a 1985 McDonald's Hamburgler Hotrod I see? Oh, it is! What luck, what great fortune! (picks the fast-food toy up, and continues through the woods.) Another one! A '92 Burger King Chip and Dale! How rare! How valuable! Look! A little further on! A...

(Scene fades out; scene of Ms. Barch and four remaining girls sitting in a clearing, eating lunch fades in. An extremely distraught-looking, red-eyed Brittany stumbles out of the woods screaming and crying.)
Brittany: Kevvy ran off and I couldn't find him and I got lost and I couldn't find anybody but then I heard you talking and oh, what should I do?!? Kevvy! Kevvvy!!!
Ms. Barch: Calm down, Brittany. I'm sure your boyfriend, that scum not fit to crawl with the lowest of life, is fine. Now what happened?
Brittany: Oh, yeah, and I found this! (holds up fast food toy)
Jane: Brittany, supersleuth, finds the clue that will lead straight to the criminal! Right Watson?
Daria: (deadpan; well, as usual) Right, Sherlock.
Ms. Barch: Oh, I found those in the glove compartment. I mean...
(Mack and Mr. DeMartino run into the clearing.)
Mr. DeMartino: Mr. O'Neill left with the VAN! That means our ONly mode of tranSPORtation is GONE, and we're STRANDED in the WOODs!
Mack: And we found skid marks and Kevin's football on the road
Brittany: Kevvvy! Oh, no, not Kevvy!" (starts crying)

(Scene switches to Upchuck, still walking through the woods, gathering fast food toys. He has quite an armload by now.)
Upchuck: Do my eyes deceive me? Is it really an entire set of California Raisins bendable erasers? It is! It is! My lifetime goal is fulfilled!
(Upchuck takes a few steps, reaches for the California Raisins, and something goes 'whoosh'. Suddenly, he’s hanging from a tree by a rope attached to his foot.)
Upchuck: (squirms, trying to get at the erasers) Noooo! And I was so close!
(A few pairs of beady, red eyes appear in a shadow behind the tree. Squeaking can now be heard, and suddenly, the branch Upchuck is suspended from is swarming with chipmunks.)
Upchuck: Ahhh! Get away from me and my Raisins, you disgusting little things!
(The chipmunks start to attack Upchuck. He's screaming and moaning the whole time.)

(Scene switches to Daria and Jane in Daria's room. They're watching TV, but its on a commercial break and the TV's on mute)
Daria: Good thing that Sick Sad World van drove by when it did. We might have never gotten out of that hellhole.
Jane: Yeah, and the chipmunks might've finished Upchuck off before we could. Then we would have starved.
Daria: Hey, we could've eaten Kevin, if Mr. O'Neill hadn't saved him.
Jane: Damn him for that.
(Sick Sad World comes on, and Daria turns the sound back on.)
Sick Sad World Announcer: When school campouts turn bad! When chipmunks turn evil! Next on Sick Sad World!
Daria: Did you hear that? God, I think they're actually running our story.
(Daria and Jane turn back to the TV. On the screen, a reporter is interviewing Upchuck, who's completely bandaged-up.)
Upchuck: (on TV) They were rabid, I tell you! Rabid!
(Someone knocks on Daria's door.)
Daria: Come in.
Helen: (opens door and steps in) Sweetie, I was just wondering if you had fun on your little camping trip with all of your friends.
Daria: Oh yeah, Mom. It was just great.
Helen: That's wonderful, sweetie! I'm sure you'll be glad to know, then, that your father and I decided to send you to Camp Dragonfly again this summer. After all, you had such a good time last time you went.
(Camera pans over to Daria, who has a mortified look on her face.)

(Closing credits.)

Notes:

1) Sorry for switching scenes so much, but we couldn’t think of any other way to make it work. Also, we know we concentrated on Kevin & Upchuck’s dilemmas too much in the second and third acts, but they we just so fun to torture!

2) Ms. Barch got the fast food toys out of the van’s glove compartment. She then set up the trap and trail for him, which she was planning somehow get him off on, but when he sneaked off, she didn’t have to. This part wasn’t exactly what we’d call crystal clear, so that’s what happened.

3) Okay, the plot was a little far-fetched, but oh well. It also wasn't, er, real deep, but that's not what we were going for. It's just entertainment, after all!

4) After Mr. O’Neill hit Kevin, he said, “Oh my sweet jeepers! Don't worry, Charles, I'll get you to a hospital!" This was one of his misnomers.

5) We got the idea from HEB Camp, a school camp that we have to go to for a week (yes, along with the rest of the student body. Help.) at the end of the year. In case you were wondering, HEB is the primary supermarket in Texas, where we unfortunately are currently residing (don’t worry, we don’t have Texas accents or even say “y’all”). HEB stands for Howard E. Butts, the guy who came up with it. They probably figured that no one would buy stuff from Butts’ Neighbourhood Grocery, so they changed it to the other. I guess they decided to sponsor the camp to increase their popularity. Either that, or they just had had several hundred acres of Hill Country land to dispose of. At least HEB Camp has cabins. And no Upchuck.

6) When Brittany said that thing about Kevin “making out with Rachel,” she didn’t mean Rachel from ‘Kitsune’ by Rey T. Fox (at least I don’t think she did). I hadn’t even read ‘Kitsune’ back when we first wrote this (before it went through ordeal after ordeal of editing), but it’s a weird coincidence, all the same.

7) For those of you who are sad or angry that Trent made no appearance and was only mentioned once, we're sorry! Trent is one of my favorite characters, but working him in would have been sort of hard (really, what could he be? The camp musician?). Sorry, Robin, but he'll probably be playing a pretty major role in some of our other fics.

8) Rabid chipmunks? This idea actually came from Daria's chain letter on MTV's Daria site. And Upchuck rose to the occasion quite well.