Daria's Comatose
By Wouter Jaegers
wo.jaegers@planet.nl

McGrundy's Pub, a Saturday night.
Trent: Hello. We are Mystik Spiral, but tomorrow we might change our name.
Mystik Spiral launches in a steaming cover version of Kiss 'Warmachine. (From "Creatures of the Night".)
Trent : Wanna bite the hand that feeds me, Wanna turn the tide.
Set the demons free and watch them fly, yeah
Strike down the man that leads me, I'm gonna take his place.
Gonna vindicate the human race, yeah
Trent & Jesse : You better watch out 'cause I'm a warmachine,
You better watch out 'cause I'm a warmachine. Oh yeah!
Watching from the audience are Daria and Jane.
Daria : Is it just me or is Trent out of songs?
Jane : What do you mean?
Daria : That song they're playing is one of the songs from the CD I've bought him.
Jane : Oh, but now I can see why.
Daria : Shut up.
Mystik Spiral finishes off their gig. Afterwards, Trent approaches his sister and Daria for a post-gig examination.
Trent : Whew, that was one of the better nights.
Jane : I can tell by the many gallons of sweat; they've almost washed out your tattoos.
Daria : But what did you mean with saying that tomorrow you'll have a new name?
Trent : Well, all of us liked that CD you've bought so much that we've decided to name ourselves after it.
Daria : (grinning) "The Creatures of the Night"? Well, yeah, it'll be appropriate in the sense that you spend most of the day sleeping. Anyway, it isn't a typical name for a Doors cover band who plays brewpubs.
Trent : Oh, how I will miss hearing you say that, Daria.

The three of them leave the club.
Trent : ( Nervously) Gee, that's weird. Why do I feel that something bad is going to happen?
Jane : Watch out Peter Parker, your spider-sense is signaling danger.
Trent : No really Janey, I have this feeling something really bad is going to happen.
Daria : (Singing from "Warmachine") Armageddon is just a matter of time.
And just as she begins to cross a street a car speeds up towards her.
Trent : (In slow motion) DARIA.......WATCH.......OUT!
An interrupted scream, a big thud, and the sound of breaking bones are heard as Daria's glasses fly up and shatter as they hit the ground. Jane and Trent watch in horror as they recognize the driver. It is Principal Angela Li.
Jane : (shrieking) Nooooooooo!
Trent rushes up to Daria to see if she's okay, but she is far from okay.
Trent : (Quivering, shaking Daria) Daria, say something. Trent shivers as Daria opens her eyes. The blood leaks out from the sockets.
Daria : Oh ...Trent...Here ..we..are ..finally...in..each...other's...arms. (she coughs blood) Isn't....it....romantic....?
Daria's body starts to collapse and Daria stops breathing.
Trent : Dammit Janey, don't you stand there! Get a f***ing ambulance, now!
Jane rushes back inside McGrundy's while Trent is starting to perform CPR on Daria.

Daria is rushed to the nearest hospital while the police are questioning the Lanes. The Morgendorffers arrive at the hospital; they're all on to a nervous breakdown.
Helen : (shrieking) Where is she, I want to see her!
Jake : Me too! Take us to her!
Quinn is too terrified to say anything at all.
Dr Philips : (from "Ill") She's in good hands Mr & Mrs Morgendorffer, we are now working as hard as we can to save her.

A few agonizing hours pass, and Dr Philips emerges again.
Jake and Helen in unison: Well?
Dr Philips : She's alive but in a coma of which I fear she'll never recover.
Helen : Lemmethrough! I need to see her.
As Helen enters the room, she finds her eldest daughter with a heart stimulator and a respirator. Daria herself looks to be peacefully asleep.
Helen : (deeply sobbing) Oh Daria, you look so ......happy. Why didn't you show me that cute smile more often. (Helen breaks down.)

The next day at Lawndale High-school isn't the usual kind of school day. Jodie notices Jane walking by herself, apparently she hadn't found out yet about the accident that almost killed Daria.
Jodie : Hi, Jane, what's up?
Jane looks up, and Jodie is shocked by the sight of tears in Jane's eyes.
Jane : (Cracking voice) Ms Li.
Jodie : What has she done this time? It had to be something really serious to upset you this bad. Did she remove art class, or fire Ms Defoe?
Jane : Even if she would do that, then it would be much better....
Jodie : By the way, why isn't Daria with you?
Jane : Ms Li....she.....ran over Daria in her car and nearly killed her.
Jodie : What? But how and why ?
Jodie hugs Jane as she cries. Jodie becomes furious about the crime committed by the school principal.
Jodie : (Calming Jane down.) Alright, Jane, I see your point. We'll take immediate action. Meet me after school in Student Council. We are going to nail her this time!
Jane : (Rage in her eyes) I'm your woman Jodie, count me in!

Meanwhile in Ms Li's office.
Li : Mission completed. It's so satisfying when a plan works out this well.
She looks at a series of pictures of Lawndale High students who are considered to be a threat to her regime of the school. The pictures include Daria, Jane, Jodie, Ms Defoe, Ted Dewitt-Clinton and Mr O'Neill. She then takes a marker and draws a cross through Daria's face.

Meanwhile, at the Lane residence, the band meeting is just getting started. Trent looks really seriously at the rest of his band members.
Trent : Guys, I've decided that we should ditch "Creatures" and stick to Mystik Spiral.
Jesse : Why's dat man, we all agreed on "Creatures of the Night" as our new band name.
Nick : Yeah man, what made you change your mind?
Trent : Well, since you're my best friends, I guess I could tell you the truth. It's because of Daria. Remember that music project I've promised to do for her, I've screwed up big time then, (As seen in "Jane's Addiction"-W.J.) and afterwards she admitted her crush on me and resenting me for never picking up her signals. When that militant bitch ran over her yesterday and she lay nearly dead in my arms, she admitted she still has feelings for me. (A loud sob.) Daria is very special to me and that occurred to me when she was dying in my arms, I hate myself for being so oblivious towards life in general (Anger in his voice tears in his eyes) and today I've decided to change all that. First thing that I did this morning was going to the employment office so they could find me a job.
Max: What did you say? Man, I can't believe you sold out.
Trent: Well believe it, 'cause what can you buy if there isn't anything to sell? AND lying in my bed isn't paying me either. Second, IF we gotta prove ourselves as a serious band, then why can't we prove ourselves with our old name? And what if it sounds like "a Doors coverband that plays brewpubs"? There are enough bands that have stupid names; why did "Talk, Talk" call themselves "Talk, Talk", and what kind of a name is "Echo and the Bunnymen" anyway? So why do we have to change?
Jesse: (Getting enthusiastic) You've got a point, why should we?
Trent: Furthermore, I've decided to increase the number of rehearsals, that way we'll be building our way up to being a BAND and not four guys making music together. So, from now on we'll be practicing every other night, to get it right.
Nick: Why not every night?
Trent: Because if we rehearsed the night before, we wouldn't be on our toes and we'd be wasting more time hanging out than we should be. Furthermore, we've got to buy new equipment. Max, your kit is wasted, Jesse you need an other amp, and Nick, since I can't hear you at all at gigs, you'll need a whole new rig.
Max: And who is going to pay for this?
TrentM: (Sinister) Remember Upchuck, the guy that sang with us on that disastrous gig? (In the Daria Fanfic "The Band, the Sleeze, and the Flygirls."-W.J.) He promised to buy us new instruments and left his platinum credit card here. (Brandishes it.)
Jesse : Then what are we waiting for? Let's go!
Nick : Man, I can't wait to buy that cool Gibson Thunderbird bass guitar and driving it through a wall of Ampeg amplifiers.
Max : Hey guys, let's do the "biker mice from Mars" yell.
Trent : You've got it.
All : LET'S ROCK AND RIDE!!
Trent takes a picture of Daria out of his pocket and looks at it.
Trent : (Whispering) I'm sorry for all I did Daria, I promise to make it up to you, just don't die on me now.
He then joins the other band members in the Tank as they go on their way to the nearest music store. (Probably the one on Dega Street.)
Max : Say Trent, if that Ruttheimer kid is paying for all this, could I buy a new van as well?
Trent : Sure, why not? We'll call it the "Second Tank".
Max : Nah, if we're gonna buy all that stuff we've got to buy one called "The Aircraft Carrier".
Hilarious laughter that runs out in coughing is heard through the van.

Meanwhile in Lawndale High-school the debate over Ms Li is in full process. All the clubs are involved.
Jodie : Alright, before we make a decision about what to do, I want to hear if any of you have any objections about this case.
Sandi : Ms Landon, I don't get your point. Like, why should we be helping Daria Morgendorffer? Like, she's not in any clubs, isn't popular at all, and is a complete fashion disaster with no friends at all.
Jane : Now listen, you breathing Barbie doll, maybe you could be the next victim of Ms Li's homicidal outbursts.
Jodie : AND if she wouldn't have any friends, then why is everyone gathered here in the first place? Personally, Daria is like a goddess to me in the way that she can say and do whatever she wants to and she was there for me when I needed her.
Mack : I second that. Daria isn't the type who has been dating all the guys in school, BUT she's the one who started the resistance against Ms Li, and she's a cult heroine in her own right. PLUS, why should we let our principal get away with manslaughter?
Kevin : Yeah! Go Mack Dad....(Mack gives Kevin the look of death) Oops. Saw-reee.
Mack : It's alright Kevin, just remind yourself not to call me that anymore.
Brittany : Give me a "Let's", give me a "Go", give me a "Save", give me a "Daria"!
All the cheerleaders together : LET'S GO SAVE DARIA!
Jodie : Settle down please, we've got to plan this first.

Meanwhile in the Cedars of Lawndale hospital, Helen and Quinn are with Daria.
Helen : (Speaking to her boss through her cell phone) To hell with that meeting, Eric! My eldest daughter is in the hospital right now, and I can't leave her. Have a heart please. (She hangs up the phone) Why didn't I see this earlier? I've sacrificed my duties as a mother for this damn career! Why did it take such a tragedy to make me realize that?
Quinn: No mom, that's not true. You did a great job raising Daria and me.
Helen: But why is she so different compared to you ?
Quinn: (Quivering) I had a lot to do with that. I was the one who always got the most attention from you and dad. When Jane came over for our birthday, I overheard the conversation that she and Daria had. (As can be found in the fanfic "It's my party and I'll cry but not in front of you."-W.J.) she told Jane about that time when Dad took a picture of Daria and me fighting. I remember telling you that she tried to choke me, which was far from true. It was just an innocent sibling wrestle. I never knew you took her to a therapist for five years. What did you do that for, mom?
Helen : I was worried for you sweetie. Daria always looked with a menacing look at you.
Quinn : Can you blame her? She never got the attention I got and resented me for that. And now that she's lying here, I finally understand how much pain it must have caused her to live like that for all those years. It was also the first time I ever saw her cry, really cry, and Jane was there to comfort her. That's real friendship, mom. I envy Daria for having the kind of friends who love you for what you are and who are there for you when you need them. (Sobbing) She was right all along: she's a winner in her own right even though she's not into fashion and doesn't date all the popular boys in school. Jane's brother Trent always referred to me as "Daria's sister" to insult me, but now I see it more as a compliment, an honor to be a sibling to Daria.
Helen : That is so sweet of you to say. But I did do something that made Daria what she is now. When I went to college, I took her with me and she always crawled round the library. The rest of the students showed her their books and started reading to her. She always loved to go there, and she always was a welcome sight.
Quinn : Well, that explains her love affair with books and why she's so quiet.
Helen : When I finished college, I was pregnant again. You were born shortly after. So I had a lot more time raising you. I now realize that I made the same mistakes as your grandmother Barksdale. She always payed more attention to Rita, and I always resented her for that. When Daria was born and I became a mother myself, I set out to prove to her that I could be a better mother. Alas, the truth is that history keeps repeating itself. Just look at her. You know, I always thought she resembled your Aunt Amy.
Quinn : Why yes, when I met Aunt Amy at Cousin Erin's wedding it felt like meeting an adult version of Daria. They sure have a lot in common, which explains why they can get along so well.
Helen : (Smiles) That's another Barksdale tradition that lives on. I, too, had an aunt who was a big cynical woman, and she and Amy were really close.
Quinn : Whatever happens, Mom, I just want you to know that I love you; all of you.
Helen : (Hugging Quinn) Oh Quinn, I always knew there was more to you then that self-absorbed attitude you always carry around.
Quinn : (Jokingly) Well, DUH!

Meanwhile, Jane, Jodie, and Tom are arriving at the Lane residence, discussing Jodie's plan to take revenge on Ms Li.
Tom: So basically, we sneak inside her office in order to find evidence that proves that Ms Li was trying to kill Daria. Idiotic plan, Jodie; let's do it.
Jodie: (to Jane) I'm beginning to understand what you see in him; he's as sarcastic as Daria is.
Jane: (Smiling) If Daria were born a boy, this is what she'd turn out to be.
As they enter the house, they see something strange; all the musical gear is piled up in the living room.
Jane: Well, what do you know; I guess Trent has found a new place to rehearse with his band.
Jodie: (Hears the ticking of counting drumsticks from the basement) Errr, Don't count on that, Jane.
And suddenly, they hear Mystik Spiral launch in a louder-than-ever version of "Warmachine". But it sounds different; more focused; in a better, tighter, sound, but most of all, much louder.
Jane : I don't get it, how can they be playing if all their gear is over here?
Curiously, they enter the basement to see them play on brand new instruments. Max is sitting behind a black double bass drum kit with a seemingly endless row of cymbals and toms, toting 'Mystik'; on the left bass drum and 'Spiral'; on the right. Nick is wielding a black Gibson 'Thunderbird'; which is delivering it's 'Thunder'; through two giant Ampeg Bass amplifiers, and an equally brand new Music-man 5-string bass guitar is resting in it's case. Jesse is playing his new Ibanez Joe Satriani guitar through a Marshall amplifier, and Trent is wailing away on his B.C.Rich 'Mockingbird'; through a Peavey 5150 Eddy van Halen Amplifier. They all are capable of hearing each other through a brand new P.A. system.
As they finish off the song, Trent looks up and sees Jane actually applauding.
Jane: I don't know how on earth you could afford all that stuff, but it really made you a better band.
Trent: (Wielding Upchuck's credit card) One hazardous gig with the love child of David Lee Roth and Jerry Lewis will do that to a band. Anyway, how is Daria?
Jane: The doctor said she'll survive; in fact it's just a matter of time before she wakes up.
Jodie: And you guys just gave me the perfect reason for distracting Ms Li into leaving her office.
Trent: Level with us, Ms Landon; what are you up to? Mystik Spiral is at your service.
Jodie begins to smile evilly.

The next morning in Lawndale High, Jodie is called upon by Ms Li; they are going to discuss another fund raiser. As Jodie enters Ms Li's office, she carefully monitors the place using a pen with a hidden photo camera.
Li: Now Ms Landon, what do you think would be a perfect fund raiser?
Jodie: Well, I've been asked by the drama club to bring up the idea for a festival, which would involve a play, poetry, art, and of course, music. Think of it as Lawndale-style Woodstock. The culture of that time is highly popular not only with students, but with their parents, as well.
Li: Yes; that sounds very good; we'll do that. Ooh, as I think back to those days. . . Anyway, inform the clubs that I agree and that participation is mandatory. You can go now.
As Jodie walks out of the office, the rest of the crew is already waiting for her.
Jane: Well?
Jodie: Victory!
Jane: Splendid, I'll go to the Morgendorffers to tell them the good news.

As Jane arrives at the Cedars of Lawndale hospital, she's welcomed by the sight of Amy Barksdale.
Jane: Ms Barksdale; glad to see you.
Amy: Considering the circumstances, I'm happy to see you too, Jane.
Jane: Listen, we've arranged a plan to get to the person who did this to her.
Amy: Level with me; I'll help.
Jane starts to tell her of the festival. Meanwhile in Daria's room:
Helen: What a relieve to hear that Daria's condition is stable again, isn't it Jake?
Jake: Youbetya; you know Helen, I've been thinking about how we've been raising our kids and I really think we did a nice job. Daria has blossomed into an intelligent young lady who is independent and some one who will really make it far into this insane world we're living in. And Quinn is also about to blossom into a strong, HANDSOME young lady who's nobody's fool. In another word, we've pulled it off. And if YOU can hear me old man, I've been a better father then you were!
Helen: You've always been a great father, Jakey, and I think you'll be a good role model for Daria's boyfriend, Trent. He reminds me of you when you were his age.
Jake : Yeah, he contacted me saying he was looking for a job; he told me that he's changing his ways and wants to start a serious life. At least the silence I've kept towards my own father when he was still alive has payed off; I'm a real man now, and that is the ultimate revenge.
Helen : (hugging Jake) Oh Jakey, you've always been a real man to me.
Jake: Come to Poppa, Mommy.
Suddenly they hear coughing and murmurs coming from Daria; she's starting to wake up.
Jake: Can it be? Yes; she's waking up! Nurse, quick, get Dr Philips in here.
Helen: Daria, can you hear me, sweetie?
Daria: (Very weakly) Mom.....I......love........you.
Helen: I do too sweetie, I do too.

A few days later, Daria learns about the plan when Jodie , Mack, Jane, Tom and Trent visit her.
Daria: This is one of the most stupid of all plans you've come up with, Jodie, and that's why I approve.
Jodie: While your mother plans a court case against Ms Li and Jane and I gather evidence in her office, the clubs and Mystik Spiral will keep her occupied.
Daria: Mystik Spiral? I thought you were changing that to "Creatures of the Night".
Trent: I changed my mind; I really would miss hearing you say that it sounds like a "Doors cover band that plays brewpubs".
Daria: Whoa, it seems my encounter with death has had its advantages.
Jodie: (laughing)Yeah. Now let's look at those pictures I took at Ms Li's office.
They all gather around to discuss their plan.

A little while later after the rest of the visitors have left the hospital, Trent decides to have a heart to heart with Daria.
Daria: Trent, what are you doing still here?
Trent: I needed to talk with you in private; there's a lot that I have to get off of my heart.
Daria: Well then, out with it.
Trent: First, I wanted to say that I'm sorry for being not serious about that school project you wanted to do with me. I was a jerk for being so slack. When you told me about the feelings that you held for me, I felt so.....guilty in my way of not picking up your signals. I now understand what you had to sacrifice to get close to me, believe me, I wouldn't have minded if you would have refused to pierce your bellybutton.
Daria: But I DID refuse.
Trent: But still, you did get your bellybutton pierced; I remember talking to Janey afterwards. She couldn't stop laughing about the moment when you came to your senses again; she told me that I brought out the woman in you. But at what price, you really didn't have to do that; you were always cool to me.
Daria: Well that "bringing out the woman in me" part is true; when I showed Jodie my navel-ring she said that it was cool, as long as I didn't do it for a guy. But there was also a second reason for me to actually do it; I was jealous about Monique; I felt like I could never compete with someone like her.
Trent: Well, yeah, Monique is cute and there is not such a big age difference between me and her, but you're twice the woman she is. Monique is more a "Love em and leave em" type of girl. Her kind of loving is based on physical attraction. You're more interested in the inner persona.
Daria: Yes, but you are such a handsome man too, as lazy and oblivious as you can be. You are so kindhearted; always ready for anybody. Jane gave me this picture, (she picks up a photo which shows Jane and Trent when they were a lot younger) and she told me about you always taking care of her; you were always there to comfort her when she couldn't take it anymore. She showed me the scars on her wrists that you took care of after she tried to commit suicide. Then she told me why she always tried to get us to get together: because she thought I needed someone who can take care of me, like you took care of her.
Trent: Yes, but how can I truly take care of someone if I can't take care of myself?
Daria: That's not true. You may be the one who spend most of his life sleeping, but you did a fine job looking after the house when your parents weren't there. Quinn and I could never do that; most of all because we don't get along but you and Jane are really close; she's not just your sister; she's your best friend too.
Jane peeks through the side of the door, overhearing the conversation, she lets out a few tears.

The next couple of days pass in a haze; Helen is filing charges against Ms Li, Jodie and company are finishing up the preparations for the Lawndale High-school Festival, Quinn is dating a whole stream of boys (what else should she be doing besides that?), Daria is recovering from her injuries, and before they all know, the big day arrives. A medium-sized truck pulls up on the parking lot of Lawndale High School. The driver can be identified as Max, Mystik Spiral's drummer, who seemingly has used Upchuck's money to buy a new vehicle.
Jodie: Ah, it seems that our main event has arrived.
Jane: As hard as it is to admit this, Jodie, it seems like Upchuck's existence has been justified.
Upchuck: Well, my fair ladies, to what do I owe the honor of hearing you speak of me in such a flattering manner?
Jane: Honestly, Upchuck, you had a wonderful influence on my brother's band after that gig a few months back. I'm sure Trent would like to thank you, if he were here.
Upchuck: Well, I don't know what to say; just tell him that it was my pleasure.
Upchuck leaves.
Jodie: (Snickering) Yeah, it was his pleasure for letting Trent drain out his credit card.
Jane: (Cheshire cat smile) Boy, what I wouldn't give to see his face, not to mention his FATHER'S face, when the bills arrive.
Jodie: We could ask Tom to follow him and take his picture when that happens.
Jane: Yeah, and sell them at school; I'm sure that it will be a bestseller.
Jodie: And I guess Ms Barch will buy the most copies of it.
Jane: Glad to be female.
Tom arrives.
Tom: Jodie, Jane, all is set and ready to go.
Jane: Splendid, let's take the final instructions through and get started.
A moment later, all the students involved are gathered around the Mystik Spiral truck.
Ted Dewitt-Clinton: Alright, Tom and I made a loop from the video image that the camera shows from her office, so you (Jodie), Amy, and Jane will have all the time to do your thing in there.
Tom: There is one thing that Ted remarked about that bookcase; it seems to be shifting shelves.
Ted: Yes, take a look at this picture I took of Ms Li for the school yearbook and the picture Jodie has taken with that hidden camera.
Trent: Well I'll be a blue nosed gopher, the mid shelf is different.
Tom: Also note that the boards in the middle section are doubled.
Jane: That would indicate a secret door, but we don't have evidence that there would be a secret room behind it.
Amy: As a matter of fact, Jane, we do have that evidence. I went to the library in search of the original blueprints of the school, and it turns out that the room of Ms Li's office originally had a stairway to the basement. And in the current blueprint her office is about five feet shorter then that it was on the original blueprint.
Jodie: Sherlock Amy Barksdale.
Amy gives a Daria-like Mona Lisa smile.
Trent: Well, I guess Daria has some cool relatives at all.
Amy: Why, thank you, "Jane's Brother".

The festival is starting; the whole scene of circus artists and musicians is parading on the parking lot of Lawndale High. And the people of Lawndale are all having a great time. Ms Li and the mayor of Lawndale are watching the fun as well.
Mayor: I'll say; you did a very good job at organizing yet an other school event, Ms Li.
Ms Li: Oh, well, happy students are the signature of a good high school, wouldn't you think?
Mayor: They certainly are, Ms Li. What do you think if we participated in the festivities as well by going to the shooting range?
Ms Li: You're on!

But every step they make is carefully monitored by the many people in the complot, who all are speaking to each other through small headsets.
Ted: (Watching from the roof) Alright, Mack they're going your way.
Mack: (From the shooting range) Okay, I'll keep them occupied for as long as possible.
Trent: (Setting up his equipment) We're almost ready for our performance, so good luck to you Janey, Amy, and Jodie.
Jane: (from inside the air filtration system of Lawndale high) Thank you, Trent. Okay, Tom are you ready to start the tape loop?
Tom: All ready and steady to go, sweetheart.
Jodie: Okay, SHOWTIME!
Tom: Tape is rolling, Jane.
Amy: Alright then.
Amy kicks the air filtration roister open and the three of them enter Ms Li's office. Jodie starts to examine the cupboard, but can't seem to find the device that opens the door.
Jodie: Damn, I can't get it open.
Jane: (Leaning on the Buddha statue that Ms Li has on her desk) There has got to be a device to open that door, but where?
Suddenly it shifts, sending Jane to the floor and opening the door.
Amy: Well, what do you know, hurting your butt has opened the door.
Trent: (through the intercom) We are starting our performance now; good luck; out.
Jodie, Jane and Amy are gathering down the stairway. The sight that awaits them shocks them deeply.
Jane: Oh my god; just look at all this stuff.
Jodie: (Looking at the surveillance camera screens.) She . . . she even has camera's fitted INSIDE the toilet pots. This is scandalous.
Amy: And take a look at this. (shows them the hit list with Daria's face crossed out) You two are on this list as well.
Jane: And look over there; a whole video collection.
Jodie: (Reading a few titles) "The best boys' butts taken from the boys room". Eeww, that Ms Li is a real pervert. "The mis-education of the Lane siblings"....
Jane: What? Were we deliberately sacked from school?
Jodie: (shocked) Oh no....."The assassination of Daria Morgendorffer".
Amy: Let's watch that tape.
Amy inserts the tape into a VCR and they see Ms Li installing a camera in her car, driving it down the lane towards McGrundy's, parking her car just around the corner and waiting. They suddenly see Jane, Trent and Daria coming out of the pub and crossing the street.
Ms Li: (On the tape) Oooooh, splendid, there is an opportunity to catch them all at once. They then witness the most painful scene, in full gruesome detail.
Jane: (Holding the tape) Alright, Ms Li, you're going to go to jail for a long time when the police will receive this tape.
Voice behind them: BUT THEY NEVER WILL!
Jodie, Amy and Jane turn around to see Sandi and Linda Griffin standing at the stairs aiming guns at them.
Sandi: As I said before, Jodie, I don't understand why we should help that ugly, non-popular bitch; she was nothing but trouble to me. So I told my mother AS WELL as Ms Li about your stupid plan.
Linda: And furthermore, she decided to let us watch her office and gave us clearance to shoot anybody who broke in, and since that sister of Helen is with you, it will give me even more satisfaction.
Sandi: So you are Quinn's aunt; that means you're Daria's mother. The two of you DO look alike.
Jane: Well, out with the truth it seems. Helen is Daria's mother; Quinn has been lying all the time and you were so stupid not to notice. I mean: Two girls with the surname Morgendorffer enter Lawndale High at the same time, and why do YOU think Daria spent so much time at the Morgendorffer household? WELL HERE'S WHY: BECAUSE SHE AND QUINN ARE SISTERS! Well, unfortunately, this had to be told on my dying day.
Voice behind them: Fortunately, that day will probably be way ahead in the future.
Sandi and Linda turn around and see Helen and a whole bunch of policemen standing there.
Captain: And to think we were only coming in to arrest Ms Li, and here you are presenting me with a silver platter of violations. Mrs and Ms Griffin, you are really busted now.
Helen: And the evidence gathered here will provide you with enough proof for putting Ms Li away for a long time.
The policemen are starting to cuff the Griffins.
Captain: You are very lucky; if Mrs Morgendorffer hadn't told us of this, I must admit, well organized plan of yours, you would have been handcuffed as well.
Jane: Yes, but the biggest shark of them all is still out there.

Meanwhile on stage are Mystik Spiral having one of their most successful performances ever; Trent and the boys are really wailing away. Watching from the side of the stage are Ms Li and the Lawndale mayor.
Trent: Ladies and Gentlemen, we are honored to have with us on stage the girl who made us who we are today, DARIA MORGENDORFFER!
A wheelchair with Daria in it comes in to view. Ms Li Turns ghost white; the girl she tried to kill is still alive.
Mayor: Oh isn't that sweet, he dedicates this performance to that poor girl.
Ms Li: Errrr......Yes that is very sweet..........
Daria: Thank you, Trent, (Speaking to the audience) I want to dedicate this next song to our beloved principal, Ms Angela Li.
Mystik Spiral launches in to a steaming cover of the Doors' "Riders on the Storm".
Daria: (Singing the second verse) There's a killer on the road,
His brain is curled up like a toad.
Take away his holiday and lets his children play.
If you will give this man a ride, sweet DARIA will die,
Killer on the road.
Ms Li is now seriously starting to sweat, not only is Daria still alive, but she also knows about Ms Li's crime. The police captain approaches the Mayor.
Captain: Well, Mayor, are you enjoying yourself?
Mayor: I certainly am; this whole festival is just wonderful. Take for instance this band; they dedicated their whole performance to that girl; the poor thing is all busted up.
Captain: And what about you Ms Li, are you enjoying another fundraising festival in order to transform your school into a prison with cameras in the toilet pots? And are you enjoying the singing of the girl you deliberately ran over in your car, nearly killing her?
Mayor: What are you talking about?
Ms Li: Yes; how did you found out about that? Errr, I mean, what are you talking about?
Captain: Ms Angela Li, I'm placing you under arrest for violation of civil liberties and an attempted murder.
Ms Li: Who told you about this?
Mayor: Ms Li, are you saying this is true?!
Ms Li runs off past the amplifiers of Mystik Spiral, but Trent spots her and pushes the heavy speaker cabinets over in order to stop her. The cabs land right on top of her and the policemen seize her.
Captain: Thanks for helping us, Mr Lane. I hope your amplifier isn't too damaged.
Trent: Nah, these were built to last.
Captain: As I was saying, Ms Li; you are under arrest. You have the right to remain silent Anything you say can and will be used against you.
Daria: And as I told you a few months back; if you make a deal with the devil, then you have to know that you're playing with fire. This is my wrath Ms Li; the wrath of Daria Morgendorffer.

Epilouge

Ms Angela Li was found guilty of charges against her ranging from attempted murder and violation of civil liberties. She now serves a life sentence in the Dakota State Prison where she got the nickname "Mrs Hitler".
Linda and Sandi Griffin were found guilty on the charges of illegal weapons possession; they were each sentenced to one year in Lawndale Prison.
Daria Morgendorffer received one hundred thousand dollars from the Lawndale High School to compensate for her suffering. She fully recovered from her injuries.
Summer, Wind, Penny, Trent and Jane Lane received a public pardon from Lawndale High School, making them honorary students.
Mystik Spiral got a record deal with Mercury and recorded an album called "The Wrath of the Brain" and dedicated that album to Daria.

The End

(Well, almost)
Tom: Hey, Charles, Trent has asked me to take a picture of you for the promotion tour of his band.
Upchuck: Why, that's very nice of him. Come to my house so you can shoot the tiger in his natural habitat.
But as they enter the Ruttheimer household:
Charles Ruttheimer Jr: Charles Ruttheimer the Third, we need to talk about your outrageous spending of money!
Upchuck: What do you mean, Dad, I haven't bought anything for the last couple of weeks except for my usual magazines.
C.R.Jr: Well this bill shows otherwise!
Upchuck: What bill?
Charles Ruttheimer Jr gives Upchuck the bill for all the purchases Trent made using his credit card. As Upchuck begins to choke in horror, and isn't able to tell his father where the cost came from, Tom smiles and takes a picture.....

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