Standard disclaimer: this is a work of fanfiction, and I didn’t create any of these characters myself, with the exception of Principal Day. Daria and all other oddballs of Lawndale are owned by MTV. I don’t make any money off this, so don’t sue me.

Yes, ladies and germs, it’s that time again: It’s Another Weirdass Daria Story By Emily! Sit back, enjoy the show, and be sure to tip your waitress.

setting is- [brackets]
person speaking is- colon Daria:
actions and expressions are- (parentheses)
thoughts are- {whatever these things are}
regular speech is like this

***Prologue***
[Holiday Island, Holiday High, the Principal’s office. Principal Day looks remarkably like Ms. Li, only with tinsel in her hair, orange and black nail polish, and an Easter pastel business suit.] C

upid: (knocks on door) Uh, knock-knock? Ms. Day? You called for me?

Day: Yes, Cupid. Sit down please. I’m afraid I have some bad news for you. (Cupid pales) I’m sorry to say that unless you bring your current grade point average up significantly, you won’t graduate from Hollllllidayyy High.

Cupid: Dude, I study all the time! What can I do to bring my grade up?

Ms. Day: (smiles evilly) I think I can find some extra credit for you.

***Scene 1***
[The streets of Lawndale.] (Daria is simultaneously walking home from school and reading “Carrie,” by Stephen King.)

Daria: (talking to herself) Ah, Carrie. Why didn’t you just leave the gas pumps alone? Your life would have turned out so much better. And longer. (steps over a curb by reflex, plows into oncoming pedestrian) Ow!

Guy: Ow, yourself! Why weren’t you watching where you were going?

Daria: Sorry. I was reading my favorite self-help book. (displays book cover)

Guy: (chuckles and grins) Now there’s something unusual. You don’t often see brains and beauty all in one college girl.

Daria: (raises eyebrow) OK, if you say so. But I’m not in college. My parents won’t skip me ahead, so I’m still in high school. Unfortunately. How about you?

Guy: I go to Oakwood High. If you’re from around here, then I apologize for the way our football team smashed yours last night. But I didn’t see you on the cheerleading squad. How come? You’re definitely built for it.

Daria: (weirded out) Huh?

Guy: By the way, my name’s Will. As in, will you go out with me tonight?

Daria: Uh, I’m Daria. (Will holds out his hand for her to shake. Daria checks her watch instead) Oh, look at the time. I have to get home by 3:30 or I turn into a bloodthirsty werewolf. Have a nice day.

Will: Later, beautiful. (Daria walks off, Will stands there staring after her) I think I’m in love.

***Scene 2***
[still walking home](Daria is still reading. A hand reaches out of the bushes and taps her on the shoulder)

Daria: AHH! (drops her book, looks around. Kevin peers out from the bushes) What the heck? Are you trying to communicate with a creature of the same intelligence as you, Kevin? Slugs usually go more for gardens than bushes.

Kevin: Sorry, Daria. I guess I kind of got carried away. Gee, you look pretty today.

Daria: Huh?

Kevin: Well, all of a sudden it hit me that you’re not just a brain, you’ve got a sweet-lookin’ body too. So I decided to wait for you to walk by.

Daria: And what would’ve happened if I’d taken a different way home?

Kevin: (brightly) Oh, I’m sure I would’ve found you eventually. Plus, I know where you live. I have connections. (lowers voice conspiratorially) I looked it up in the phone book.

Daria: Hello restraining order. Now tell me again why you were in the bushes?

Kevin: Brit would kill me if she saw me talking to another girl, especially one as hot as you. You wanna do something with me tonight? Maybe do some *studying*? (wiggles his eyebrows)

Daria: Sorry, Kevin. You know my grades are already too high. If I study anymore, my brain might explode. I’ve got to go now. Goodbye. (nearly jogs away)

Kevin: (yells after her) Maybe later then! Yipes! (dives into the bushes as a car drives by)

Daria: (moving quickly) This is getting weirder by the second. Can it get any worse? Stupid question. Of course it can, I’ve just been having that sort of life.

***Scene 3***
[Morgendorffer home base] (Daria walks in the front door)

Daria: Ah, blessed silence. (goes upstairs, notices Quinn’s in her cotton-candy room when she passes it) Huh? I though Queen Hairgel had a meeting of her royal court today. (goes in her own room, flops on the bed) Hello, Ceiling. Long time no stare.

Voice: Hello, lovely one! (Daria jumps off the bed as Upchuck rolls out from under it) Were you waiting for me? I certainly hope so! Rrrowr!

Daria: (smacks Upchuck upside the head) Get the hell out of my room, NOW! (chases Upchuck down the stairs and out the door, locking it when he’s through) Note to self, stop talking to self so often. QUINN!

Quinn: (pokes her head down the stairs, all sweetness) Yes, dear sister of my heart?

Daria: Tell me what that ignoramus Upchuck was doing under my bed or I’ll tell Mom I found a used pregnancy test in the bathroom trash basket.

Quinn: Oh, that. He said he was so totally in love with you that he just had to see where you rested your head at night. Also, he gave me fifty bucks.

Daria: You are even stupider than I thought, which is an amazing depth to sink to. I want the cash. (Quinn hands her the money)

Quinn: Really, Daria, you don’t have to get all rigid about this. I mean, the poor boy is just so in love with you he’d do anything. Surely you know how everyone just adores you?

Daria: I’m not even going to dignify that with a response. I’m leaving. Tell Mom and Dad I’ll be back later.

Quinn: I’m not going to bother. You never get in trouble anyway. You’re so lucky. Well, have fun wherever you go! (she waves as Daria sprints out of the house to Jane’s)

***Scene 4***
[Lane Hacienda] (Daria arrives out of breath, opens door and goes in without knocking)

Jane: Wilkommen. Since when are you an honorary latchkey Lane?

Daria: Sorry. This town has gone insane.

Jane: Even worse than usual?

Daria: Much worse. Look at this. (opens door to find the Three J’s crouched around the keyhole)

Jeffy: Hi, Daria! Can I get you a soda?

Joey: No, me! I got here first! Daria, can I get you anything at all?

Jamie: Please, can I go get you a pizza? A book? A movie? Can I name a star after you?

Jane: I see what you mean. But hey, we can make good use of this. Yes, a slave at last!

Daria: Down girl. (turns to the J’s) Joey, get me a case of something caffeinated. Jeffy, you can go fetch me a pizza. Jamie, my favorite is Canadian bacon, black olives and mushrooms. Make sure they get it right. Here’s a fifty and you can keep the change.

Jamie: (as they run off) She knows my name! She’s a goddess!

Joey: If there’s any crust left over, I’m gonna put it on Ebay! (they disappear around the corner)

Jane: Cool! Can you get them to play Row Row Row Your Boat on squeak horns with their noses?

Daria: This is so weird. I don’t know what’s going on, but I intend to find out soon. (sees Trent stumbling sleepily down the stairs) Let’s get out of here!

Jane: (grins evilly) No, I wanna see this. If this goes like everything else has, I may get a new sister-in-law!

Daria: (close to panic) Come on, let’s go! Oops, too late! (Trent sees her. He walks right up to her, pulls her close and gives her a big kiss. He dips her, Jim Carrey and Cameron Diaz in “The Mask” style, then walks back up the stairs to his room and goes back to sleep) Excuse me while I disintegrate in embarrassment.

Jane: Where is my video cam when I need it?!? You may want to retie your bootlaces. They could be a little (snicker) loose after that romantic display.

Daria: Shut up. Let’s get out of here before he realizes he wasn’t sleepwalking.

Jane: But where can we hide? Everywhere we go you’ll be mobbed by screaming fans. Can I have your autograph?

Daria: I reiterate: shut up. I think I know where we can go where we won’t be disturbed.

***Scene 5***
[On the lawn of Lawndale High] (ominous music)

Jane: Why do I get the feeling that things will be even worse here?

Daria: I don’t know, maybe the troop of lunatics that have followed us here? (shouts to crowd behind them) Go home, people! This is school! You don’t want to be here! Jane: Hey wait, we don’t want to be here either.

Daria: Yeah, but I’m hoping their usual aversion to school will overpower whatever homing instinct is making them all stalk me. Let’s try the fire escape to the roof. (they climb up)

People below: She’s going to speak! I love you, Daria! Will you go out with me? Daria! Over here! Daria, I wanna be the father of your children! Hey Daria, we have your pizza! Daria, will you marry me? Daria! Daria! Daria! Daria!

Jane: (peering over the edge) This is getting scary. I feel like a Beatle. Can you do something to calm these folks down, O Beloved Leader? (Daria looks over the sea of people, which calms as she appears)

Daria: (cupping her hands and shouting) Hey people! WHY ARE YOU FOLLOWING ME?

People: BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU!!!!!!

Jane: Well, that got us nowhere.

Voice: I wouldn’t say that.

Daria: I seem to be saying this a lot lately, but---Huh?

Cupid: Dudes, it’s me! (materializes next to them) Sorry about the chaos, mi amigas. I didn’t have much choice in the matter. It was this or spend another year at Holiday High.

Jane: We side with you. So this was like your senior final?

Cupid: Sort of. I had to get five hundred people to say they loved you or I’d flunk. So I did my usual zap thing with the arrows and boom, end of story. So now I can, like, be a pro holiday instead of a junior one. Maybe I can finally get rid of this stupid diaper.

Daria: Does this mean you can turn them off now? I really don’t like having a fan club. Although it was kind of cool being able to charge admission to my room.

Jane: Can you make everyone worship me, too? I want to start a cult. I could take over the world! Waa ha ha ha ha!

Daria: You don’t even like other people to know your name.

Jane: Oh yeah. So you’d better deprogram them, Old Buddy.

Cupid: Negative perspiration. (clicks a button on his watch. The crowd immediately comes to its senses and disperses in all directions)

Jane: Hey, those guys took our pizza!

Daria: Always contemplating the important crises, aren’t you?

Cupid: Hate to zap and run, dudettes, but I’ve got to get fitted for a grad gown. Hasta. (dematerializes)

Daria: So now what?

Jane: (leers) Let’s go see if Trent remembers that fireworks-inducing, shoelace-loosening, adrenaline-rushing, stomach-churning, champagne-cork-popping, heart-pounding, jaw-dropping, hair-igniting, star-exploding....... (goes on like that)

Daria: You are way demented. (sighs) Like I have anything better to do. Let’s go. (they climb down the fire escape)

La la LA la la..............

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Roll end credits, however you may see them. So what did you think? Not about my favorite pizza recipe, I mean the story in general. You know, I haven’t gotten a single e-mail of feedback yet, so you can be the first! ebischoff@hotmail.com is the address to send comments and criticisms to. What the heck, I’m open-minded, so send flames too! Till next time, pardners......Be kind, brush your teeth, and always wear a raincoat. Emily