Me no own people. Me own plot. Cool people think up other cool people. Me just thief. Me sorry. Me hope you enjoy story.

By the request of one, here it is! This is a sort of sequel to Daria Stalkings. You don’t have to read said story to understand this one, but I suggest you do so just to make life more fun. And try to guess who the mystery person is! Emily

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***Scene 1***
[Typical sunny spring morning in Lawndale. Daria and Jane are walking to school.]

Jane: (yawns) I hate mornings. They happen so early.

Daria: And so often. Twenty-four hours is not enough time between waking up to my sister’s Barney alarm clock at full volume.

Jane: Barney? I thought she went more for pink than purple.

Daria: One of the Three J’s left it on our doorstep as a present. So now she wakes up every morning to, “I love y---” (Jane rushes over, clamps her hand over Daria’s mouth)

Jane: It’s way too early for that kind of torture. If I let you go, do you promise to never make that horrendous noise again? (Daria nods and Jane lets her go)

Daria: Yeesh, you’re on a hair trigger this morning. Not enough paint fumes in your room?

Jane: Nah, I think I drank a little too much coffee, so I’m kinda---Hi, Jodie, what’s up? (Jodie runs up to them as they get to the school lawn.)

Jodie: Hey Daria, I think you might want to go home sick today. Like right now. Trust me, it’s for your own good.

Daria: Any reason, O Overprotective One? (an angry mob appears in the distance, brandishing papers of some kind)

Jane: They might have a good reason.

Mob: There she is! Get her! She’s the one!

Daria: The one? What’s going on? (the mob surrounds them) You mind telling me exactly what I’ve done to drive you all nuts (beat) today?

Kevin: (waving a paper) This is the problem! These things are all over town, Daria. And they’re all you! And to think, I’ve wasted all this time on the blond of the month.

Daria: Let me see that. (Kevin hands her the paper, a photocopy of a picture obviously printed off the Internet. It shows Daria in the shower, shaving her legs, body twisted so that all the X-rated parts are figleafed. Daria’s face is easily recognizable, even without the glasses. The caption says, “Brains and Beauty.”) Oh God. Who the hell took this? And where did you get hold of it?

Kevin: Like I said, there’re copies all over. You mean you didn’t pose for it?

Daria: (face flaming) Why would I take a picture of myself like that? And furthermore, why would I leave the house if I had? You stupid perverted jock, don’t you know anything by now? I don’t like to show off what I look like, get that through your dense skull! Only a majorly depraved individual would do something this nasty. And when I find out who that person is, I will rip out his or her intestines and jump rope with them!

Kevin: (slightly frightened) So you didn’t know about it. (shouts to the crowd) HEY GUYS! SHE DIDN’T POSE FOR IT! (the people grumble but wander off to parts unknown, the males heading suspiciously for the computer lab. Kevin grins) Good, no competition. So Daria, you doing anything Saturday night?

Daria: Yes. Vomiting. But right now I’m going home. Tell my teachers, OK Jane?

Jane: Sure. But I’d rather be around when you tell your folks about this. Your mom is gonna sue the entire town again, isn’t she? Daria? Hey! (Daria’s already jogged off toward home) Hmmm.

Jodie: I tried to warn her.

Jane: Yeah. Who would be sick enough to do this? (exchanges glances with Jodie)

At the same time: Upchuck.

***Scene 2***
[hallway, Upchuck’s locker]

Jane: (slams Upchuck against the locker) Come on, sleazeball, we know you did it. Everybody knows you’re a little horndog nutcase with a crush on Daria, plus you have the software to do this website. So fess up now and maybe we’ll TRY to restrain her when she comes to chop you into bite-size pieces.

Upchuck: (scared) I swear, I didn’t do it! Sure, I agree with the caption, and I bow down before the Queen of Feistiness, but even I draw the line at felony!

Jodie: You sure? If we find out you’re lying, I have connections that can make you (draws finger across throat) disappear.

Upchuck: (holds up two fingers, Boyscout style) I swear by the illustrious name of Ruttheimer. If I break this oath, may I never get laid. Again, I mean, um, yeah, laid again.

Jodie: Whatever. So who else has motive, opportunity and means?

Jane: Let’s see, who else is horny, immature, brain-damaged and willing to commit a serious crime for their own amusement?

Jodie: About 75% of males ages twelve to twenty five. Let’s make a list, this could take a while.

***Scene 3***
[Daria’s room] (Daria works on her computer. There’s a carefully folded copy of the pic with just the website address sticking out on the desk next to her.)

Daria: (talking to herself while typing) Let’s hear it again for the First Amendment. Hip hip hooray. Jeez, did the freak have to get one of me bent over? That’s just gross! Why couldn’t the moron put his name on it? Now I’ll have to hack into his e-mail provider. I hope it won’t take longer than lunchtime.

***Scene 4***
[Ms. Barch’s study hall]

Jodie: OK, here’s a list of all the guys in LHS. The ones in caps have been known to be especially childish around women, build porn websites, or are just the kind of nasty individual to do this sort of thing.

Jane: (looks at the list) Only fifty names? I figured there were more perverts around here.

Ms. Barch: Now that, girls, is exactly the kind of education I wish I’d had in school. (gets a little misty-eyed) Keep up the good work. (turns suddenly) And you, Mack! Your hair is a mess! Go sit in the corner so the rest of us don’t have to look at your untidy maleness!

Jodie: (waves at Mack at he walks to the corner) How can we find out who did this?

Jane: Iron maiden?

Jodie: Too messy.

Jane: Sodium pentathol?

Jodie: I’m needlephobic.

Jane: Polygraph?

Jodie: Anything higher functioning than a solar calculator usually explodes when I come near it.

Jane: Looks like we’re stuck with hitting the sidewalks. Or the guys, whichever we feel like. (the bell rings)

Jodie: You question DeMartino’s class. I’ve got O’Neill next.

Jane: You think it could be a teacher?

Jodie: Nah. It takes twentieth-century knowledge to commit Internet crimes.

Jane: Hey, good one! I think we’re starting to rub off on you.

***Scene 6***
[Fred’s Family Food Fest]

Trent: (tossing food into cart with eyes half closed) Must hurry. Nap reflex kicking in. (gets to counter, hands the girl some money) Hey checkout chick. This time, don’t put the bread under the canzzzzzzzzzzz (dozes off, then wakes up with a snort)

Checkout girl: Here’s your change, sir. By the way, my manager wants me to ask all customers if they can identify this girl. (hands him a copy of the infamous pic)

Trent: Daria?

***Scene 7***
[Daria’s room]

Daria: Come on, you overgrown abacus. Who built the stinking site? (the screen beeps in answer) Gotcha! Thank you, Hotmail. You little bastard, you will pay for this! Hmmm, turnabout is certainly fair play, now that I know who you are....... (sets to work scanning and cropping photos)

***Scene 8***
[hallway, Lawndale High between classes]

Jane: Dang it, I’ve talked to twenty-three guys, beaten up four, and none of them know who took the picture.

Jodie: I’ve had the same results. I did talk to one guy that I thought did it, but he started babbling how the aliens can get you through the Net and how he likes his regular skin, so I ruled him out.

Jane: Who’s left? Do you think it would be one of the girls?

Jodie: I don’t even wanna think about that.

Daria: (walking up behind them) You don’t have to. I already know who it is. And I’ve already got revenge planned. Care to come with me to the computer lab?

Jane: You bet! I wanna see this.

***Scene 9***
[Computer lab. The usual people are gathered around: Ms. Li, The Fashion Club, the football team, Andrea, the teachers, the Three J’s, Brittany and the cheerleaders, assorted nondescripts of the high school scene]

Daria: Thank you for coming, everyone. I’d like to show you all something. (murmurs from the people)

Brittany: (slaps Kevin) I heard that! I’d appreciate it if you remembered who your girlfriend is, thank you very much!

Daria: If I may continue. I’m sure most of you have been to the offensive website by now. I myself have visited it in order to find out who made it. The “technological genius” that built the site also put his e-mail address on it to allow for feedback. So I took the liberty of hacking into the Hotmail system to look into the personal profile of the user.

Ms. Li: (talking into tape recorder) Note to self: Update security on website. Install tracking system onto the counter. Don’t let a single student log on, in case of hackers! Um, please continue, Miss Morgendorffer.

Daria: (types in URL) Here we go. I’ve removed the nude pictures from the site. (some groans from the back) And replaced them with some others just as interesting.

(The site pops up, showing pictures of a guy wearing tights and a tutu, dancing, the same guy tenderly diapering a baby doll, and the same guy again curled up on a couch under a ragged blankie, sucking his thumb.)

The crowd turns as one: Jamie?

Jamie: (sheepish) Uh, I didn’t do it?

Daria: When you left that stupid Barney clock at my house, it was meant for me, wasn’t it? You’ve had a crush on me for some time, though I don’t know why. So you sneaked over to my house and took those nasty pictures of me in the shower. You need serious help. How long have you been this obsessed?

Jamie: I couldn’t help it! You’re the first girl to remember what my name is! You’re so smart and beautiful, and you’ve been so nice to me, I just fell for you. Please say you forgive me?

Daria: I just showed embarrassing photos of you to the entire school. Of course I forgive you.

Jamie: Oh, thank you! (sings) I love you, you love me, we’re a happy family.......(kneels in front of her, tries to kiss her hand. The football players drag him out of the room still singing.)

Ms. Li: (following them) Online stalking is a punishable offense! You have detention for five months for dishonoring Llaaawwnndalllle High!

Quinn: I don’t get it. How could Jamie turn against me like that? (starts crying and hugs Stacy)

Daria: Maybe because I treat him like a human?

Jane: You did send the Three J’s to fetch pizza like golden retrievers. But you let them keep the change, so that’s OK.

Daria: This day has sucked worse than usual. I’ve already called in sick once today, so I might as well actually go home. (struggles for a second, then rushes) By the way, thanks for helping me out today. Even though I found him out myself, I um, I-still-appreciate-the-help-well-see-ya-later-bye! (leaves quickly)

Jodie: That was kind of sweet. Hey, can I get a college planning site on this thing? (types an address into the computer. It shrieks noisily and locks up.) Oops. I should know better by now.

Jane: Well, all’s well that ends well, right?

***Scene 10***
[Sidewalk. Daria is walking home yet again. A familiar car pulls up beside her.]

Trent: Hey, Daria. You wanna lift?

Daria: Um, all right. You sure you want to be seen with me?

Trent: You kidding? You’re famous now. Of course I wanna be seen with you. Hop in.

Daria: (slides into passenger side) So, what’re you doing awake at this time of day?

Trent: I had to wake up and go get some food. And the checkout chick gave me a copy of that cool picture of you. Who was the lucky photographer?

Daria: A guy now in serious trouble with the law.

Trent: (laugh-coughs) Cool. So you doing anything Saturday night?

Daria: (thinking of her previous snide remark to Kevin) I had plans. But I think I can cancel them in your case. Maybe today wasn’t so bad after all.

Finis

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Did you guess who it was? I bet fifty percent of you immediately guessed Upchuck. Proved you wrong, didn’t I? Well, if you enjoyed it, tell me so. I did finally receive some feedback and what a glorious feeling it was! Later gators, Emily