[DOL. A horrible, grating noise sounding much like a dying goose is emanating from somewhere in the depths of the castle. Clopin is lying in a recliner, asleep. Mulan walks in, bewildered.]
Mulan: (yelling) TARZAN! What in the name of the emperor are you doing?!
Clopin: (waking and stretching) Good God. That’s a hellish noise if I’ve ever heard one.
[The noise suddenly stops; enter Tarzan]
Tarzan: Someone called?
Mulan: Yes…
Clopin: (yawning) What was that god awful noise?
Tarzan: (chuckling) Like that, did you?
Mulan: Not really. What was it?
Tarzan: I stuck one of your oboe reeds in my trombone mouthpiece. Pretty weird, huh?
Mulan: (really steamed) Don’t you EVER touch my stuff again! Do you know how freaking much oboe reeds cost?! You MORON! If anything happened to that reed…
Clopin: (holding her back) Calm down, dear. It’s just a reed.
Mulan: (jerking away) Easy for you to say, Clown Boy. You’re not going to have to fork over $11 for a new reed!
[The light goes off]
Tarzan: Cool it. His Most Exalted Deadness is calling.
[Mulan shoots him a Look; cut to Tower 13. Only Rasputin is seen. He seems to be quite tickled by something.]

Rasputin: (laughing uncontrollably) Cl…Clothes…Clothespin! Heeheehee!

[DOL]
[all look confused]
Mulan: Uh…Sir?

[Tower 13]
Rasputin: (calming down) Heehee I just...I just got off the interversal communicator with a rather feisty little duck who- what’s wrong with her?

[DOL]
[Mulan is lying on the floor twitching]
Clopin: (looking up) You said “feisty”.
[Mulan wails]
Tarzan: She just hasn’t been the same…

[Tower 13. Gaston has entered and is doing something in the background]
Rasputin: Ooh! I am good, aren’t I?
Gaston: Well, duh!
Rasputin: (looks self-satisfied for a moment, then continues) Be that as it may, this duck called me up to let me know that he’s got a group of guys trapped somewhere in Ontario who are referring to you as their “competition”.

[DOL]
Tarzan: For their in to the dome?
Clopin: (rolling eyes) Mulan! [kicks her] Get up.
Mulan: (standing up slowly; levelly) Kick me again and you’re dead.

[Tower 13]
Rasputin: A little feisty, eh Mulan?
Gaston: (laughing) Good one, Sir.
Rasputin: Heh heh. In any case, he says they seem to think that you’re something of a witch, but not in so many words, if you catch my drift.

[DOL]
Mulan: (from the floor) Is that so?
Clopin: Hey, now! We’re the only ones who’re allowed to call her that!
Mulan: (still from floor) Yeah!
Tarzan: (glaring at screen and shaking finger accusingly) Names! I want names!

[Tower 13]
Rasputin: (raises hands in the air innocently) I heard someone say “Ramses” in the background, but you didn’t hear it from me.

[DOL]
Mulan: (climbing up from floor) Oh, Mr. “the morning and the evening star,” eh?
Clopin: Baldy-boy’ll be hearing from ME soon.
Tarzan: (scoffing) DreamWorks. Ha!

[Tower 13]
Rasputin: On an entirely related note, let’s do the sidekick exchange. (extends hand invitingly) Eisner-puppets first.

[DOL]
Clopin: Well, following his huge successes as Donkey and Mushu [smirks at Mulan, she glares back], we’ve decided that the next big step for Eddie Murphy is to be inserted directly into an animated movie.
Mulan: (holding up poster with a picture of Eddie Murphy in the middle of a Care Bears-esque set, surrounded by Care Bears-esque characters) See, we’re not talking The PJs here. He will actually be a live action character on an animated background, not unlike Blue’s Clues’ Steve.
Tarzan: And if that’s not out of place enough, he’ll be provided with a sidekick himself… [Mulan picks up another identical poster, save one addition] Martin Lawrence.
Clopin: (sardonically) Together, we figure they’ll be able to instill some real values into the children of today. Or tomorrow. Or whatever.
[all huddle close around the camera expectantly]
Mulan: So…?

[Tower 13]
Rasputin: (nodding) A noble attempt. But now, it is time to reveal the most brilliant sidekick ever to crawl out of Hollywood. Genie!
Genie: (poking his head around a door frame, stage right; blushing) Well, thank you, sir, but I --
Rasputin: (impatiently) No, you moron! The sidekick…
Genie: Ah, yes. (rushes in, wielding a transparent Sculpey model of a slug-like animal)
Rasputin: The true beauty behind Squishy here, is that it is devoid of both vocal chords AND the ability to make any noise whatsoever.
Genie: That’s right. No wisecracks, no irritating, out-of-place songs, and, best of all, no terrible, skinpeelingly bad puns. Er…heh heh. (shrinks away)
Gizmoduck: (appearing from stage left) Plus, as an added bonus, his lack of skin pigment often allows him to blend into his surroundings and, at times, even disappear!

[DOL]
Clopin: (muttering) Guys, I hate to say it, but…
Tarzan: (under his breath) Definitely would have prevented certain near-death experiences…
[Mulan looks thoughtful and at peace]

[Tower 13]
Rasputin: That’s right! I am the superior sidekick exchanger! Soon, companies will be calling me and begging for an idea! Oh, yes, Mr. Eisner, I’d love to develop a grating sidekick for your next movie! Certainly, Mr. Katzenberg. I’ll have that sent right over to you. I think I can whip something up, Mr. Bluth! Ha ha ha!
Genie: (raising hand timidly) I made the model…
Rasputin: (brushing him away) That’s not important. We must get to the experiment. Today, you will finally get to see the “Daria” monstrosity known as “Changes for Jodie.” And, since the author had the decency, nay, the attention span deficit, to keep it short, you shall also be screening an issue of The Angelfire Dispatch. Enjoy, suckers! And remember, you’ve got…competition now! Nyah-ha-ha-ha-ha!

[DOL. The Bells of Notre Dame are tolling up a storm]
Clopin: Iiiiiiiit’s Posting Sign!
Tarzan: (singing as they all run towards the door) Oh, I wish I was back in old Canada, a land which I never shall lampoon…

[Theater. Mulan has insisted on sitting in the seat between the boys, convincing Clopin to trade seats by promising him that, with easier access to Tarzan, she would hit him only half as often.]
Mulan: He didn’t mention Pandora.
Tarzan: She’s still involved somehow. She MUST be.

>To: melpomene217

Clopin: (sounding much like Eric Idle in “Nudge Nudge”) Melpomene, eh? The, uh…the Greek muse of tragedy, eh?
Mulan: (sarcastic) That’s a good sign…
Tarzan: (as Dispatch) Prevent…

>staticcling@megavolt.zzn.com

Clopin: MEGAVOLT HAS HIS OWN EMAIL DOMAIN?! What is this world coming to?
Tarzan: (smug) Actually, Mulan and I both have domains on that server.
Clopin: (hurt) And I thought I was the fan favorite!

>Subject: 4 OUT OF 5 ANGELFIRE STAFFERS RECOMMEND

Clopin: (as Eric Idle) Crelm toothpaste!

>OCCASIONAL BREAKS FROM PAGE BUILDING!

Tarzan: Staffers.
Mulan: You were an English teacher in a past life. Or a future one…

>From: "Angelfire Dispatch" <dispatch@mailbox.lycos.com> Add to Contacts
>
>THE ANGELFIRE DISPATCH

Mulan: I certainly hope this one hasn't been up the Duchess of Wharfedale's garter...

>Monday, March 5, 2001

Clopin: (as interrogator) And where were you on Monday, March 5, 2001?
Mulan: Not reading this message, that’s for sure.

>http://www.angelfire.com

Tarzan: /DOL/HELP_US
Mulan: (hits him) No! No plugging!

>part of the Lycos Network

Tarzan: Lycos! Go get it!

>
>
>WARNING!

Tarzan: (as the people at the end of commercials) Keep out of reach of children and teens.
Clopin: If taken internally, will cause serious gastric disturbances.
Mulan: In case of accidental ingestion, seek professional assistance or contact a Poison Control Center immediately.

>We will NEVER send you

Clopin: (as Dispatch) ...on any insane quests involving Chaos theory and butterflies.

>e-mail asking for your password.

Tarzan: Doodely doodely doo – What’s your password?

>If someone does, let us know.

Mulan: (as whiny child) Mommy Angelfire! Mommy Angelfire! Clopin asked me for my password!
Clopin: (also as whiny child) I did not! She’s lying!
Tarzan: (as mother) Finish your vegetables!

>IN THIS ISSUE:

Tarzan: 101 Dramatic Changes Absolutely Vital to Retaining Your Sexually Active Lifestyle.
Mulan: Tarzan!

>NEED A

Mulan: Tylenol? Yes, thanks.

>BREAK FROM

Mulan: …Reading bad fanfic? Certainly. Much obliged.

>BUILDING PAGES?

Clopin: (wiping brow) You bet! After all, it’s such backbreaking, strenuous work!

>Animation Express has some very cool, very funny, very witty, very odd,

Tarzan: (as Dispatch) …very adjective-y…

>and very FREE animations for you to check out!

Clopin: Hey, hey, hey! I believe that claiming ownership of me is considered copyright infringement!

>A wee

Tarzan: Heh heh. They said “wee.”
Mulan: Tarzan…

>dog dreams of a trip to the moon;

Clopin: (brushing away a “tear”) How touching.

>an evil

Mini Me: Evil!
Tarzan: (a la the vulture from Jungle Book) Now don’t start tha’ again!

>computer and a voodoo doll fight for the space in a woman's head;

Tarzan: There’s plenty there! Can’t they just share it?

>Mr. Man

Mulan: Mr. Danny Man?
Tarzan: Noooo, that’s “Mann” with two ns.

>stumbles upon giant mosquitoes,

Clopin: (as Eric Idle) There's nothing more dangerous than a wounded mosquito.

>puffy pink monsters and true love.

Mulan: Uh, oh… It’s Jigglypuff mating season.

>-->

Tarzan: I see Robin Hood’s been through here.

>http://lt.angelfire.com/bin/lt?link=af/dp/30501/animexpress

Clopin: Ugh. Anime… [shudders]

>
>
>------ Now, get back to page-building ------

Mulan: But I don’t wanna!

>
>EVER WISH YOU COULD BE AN INTERNET MILLIONAIRE?

Tarzan: Uh oh…
Clopin: Nooooo! No more Pyramid Spam!

>We all do.

Mulan: Thank you, Sally Struthers Spokeabout.

>But, you can start making some money with your personal site.
>Check out our Super Affiliate

Clopin: Super Affiliate – nephew of Superman, brother of Super Dave, and best friend of Super Dude!

>Program!
>
>-->

Tarzan: Better be careful. You could put an eye out with one of those things.

>http://lt.angelfire

Mulan: (interested) Lt. Angelfire, eh? I’ve always liked a guy in uniform.
[Tarzan and Clopin snicker]

> .com/bin/lt?link=af/dp/30501/superaffil
>
>
>
>------ And now, a word from our sponsor ------
>
>Everyone has a reason to look for a better job - what's yours?

Mulan: Well, I’m trapped in this drafty dungeon with a man raised by gorillas and a snail-eater with a puppet, there’s only one bathroom, and I have to listen to people like you attempt to sell me stuff EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE! Thank you for asking.

>Headhunter.net gives you more than 250,000.

Tarzan: (confused) Reasons? I seriously doubt she needs any more of those.
Clopin: (wide eyed) Dollars? Wow.
Mulan: (disgusted) Heads? Ewww…

>Need more money,

Tarzan: Sure, we all do.
Clopin: Wait a minute! Are we supposed to be getting paid for this, then?

>a challenge, something new?

All: (grumble in agreement)

>Search 250,000+ jobs at

Tarzan: Kentucky

>Headhunter.net on Lycos.
>
>http://direct.lycos.com/redir/_Headhunter_D_TEXT
>
>
>------ Back to our regularly scheduled text ------

Mulan: (robotic voice) Ha. Ha. Ha. That is so funny.

>
>
>
>BUILD A BIONIC PAGE!

Clopin: Well, okay. But I would personally prefer a Bionic Marie.
[Tarzan makes appropriate cymbal noises]

>Metaphorically speaking, of course.
>Make your page better.

Mulan: Make your page butter? What?!
Clopin: Better.
Mulan: Oh.
Tarzan: (singing) Oh, I’m leavin' here a butter man.

>How?

Clopin: Prominently display my picture at the top.

>We'll give you the technology.

Clopin: Oh, come on. How much technology could it take? A camera, some film, a scanner…

>Our own "Oscar Goldman", super-designer Mike,

Mulan: I always thought Patrick was the super-designer behind that operation. Hmmm… The truth comes out!

>has made some nifty-keen, totally bitching,

Tarzan: See, Mulan. They can say it!
Mulan: They sound like morons.

>classy and refined,

Clopin: Because “classy and refined” and “totally bitching” are practically synonymous…

>pages for you to Cut&Paste.
>If you've got a good grasp of HTML,

Tarzan: (as Dispatch) …let go!

>check out the HTML Library!

Mulan: (as Dispatch) The books are real snoozers, but the architectural formatting is lovely.
Tarzan and Clopin: (shaking their heads) What?

>We'll give you the capability to make a bionic page.

Clopin: (as Liquidator) For just one MILLion dollars!

>
>-->

Tarzan: Did you see that?! That one almost had my name on it!
Mulan: (condescending) That’ll do, Tarzan. That’ll do.

>http://lt.angelfire.com/bin/lt?link=af/dp/30501/htmllib

Mulan: Is that like Women’s Lib or something?

>
>
>
>SITE OF THE DAY INSPIRES NEW SONG!

Clopin: (as news reporter) 13 year old girl’s home page blamed for Aaron Carter’s “Leave it to Me,” next at 10.

>Site of the Day
>A new site, every day
>Check it out
>Before baling hay.

Mulan: Wow. That was almost as good as a Redwall song...

>We never said it was a good song, or that we didn't write it, or that we should even be writing songs in the first place.

Clopin: That’s right. Now, get back to page-building!

>Anyway, check out

Tarzan: (as Dispatch) Steven King’s newest novel, chock full of nauseatingly gory…gore:

>the

Tarzan: (continuing as Dispatch) Murder…

>Site of the Day!

Mulan: Tarzan, are you reading ahead?
Tarzan: (indignant) Of course not. I have a gift, is all.

>A new site, every day.
>Okay.

Clopin: (as Pepé) Build a Jacuuuuuuuuuuzi, and we will come, okay?

>
>-->

Tarzan: Gah… [is cut off by a Look from Mulan]

>http://angelfire.lycos.com/doc/best/
>
>
>------ Angelfire Recommends

Tarzan: (as Dispatch) …brushing after every meal.
Clopin: With Crelm toothpaste!

>------
>
>
>LIKE YOUR MUSIC LOUD?

Clopin: (shouting) HELL, YEAH!
Mulan: (deadpan) Crank that Dufay, Frenchie. And watch your language.

>Get all the latest in Heavy Metal news, exclusive interviews and reviews

Tarzan: Hey, they rhymed! (singing) Get all the latest in heavy metal news/exclusive interviews/and…reviews

>at Metal Update.
>
>-->

[Mulan slams her hand over Tarzan’s mouth before the image even registers in his mind]
Tarzan: (innocently) Mmmwhuh?

>http://lt.angelfire.com/bin/lt?link=af/dp/30501/metal

[Tarzan scribbles down the URL.]

>
>------ Account Information ------
>
>YOUR MEMBERNAME: melpomene217

Clopin: What compelled Rasputin to use that screen name, do you suppose?
Tarzan: One can only imagine…

>
>LOST PASSWORD
>Go to http://

Clopin: www.biteme.com

>angelfire.lycos.com/doc/getpasswd.html to get it back!

Tarzan: Hey! We could go there and get the password and tamper with Rasputin’s account!
Mulan: Uh, Tarz, it sends the password to your email address.
Tarzan: Dagnabbit. So close.

>HATE SPAM?

Clopin: (as Pepperpot) I don’t like Spam!
Mulan: (glaring) Sing the song and you die.
[Tarzan, who has his mouth open as if to sing, shrinks back guiltily; Clopin feigns offense.]

>Do you hate those way annoying e-mails

Tarzan: (valley girl) You, like, totally read my…thing that’s in my head, dude!

>promising to make you rich?

Clopin: That’s kind of a stupid question. Does anyone actually enjoy getting spammed?

>We do too.

Mulan: (as Dispatch) That’s why we sent one to you.

>Report spammers with Angelfire pages.

Tarzan: Dear Angelfire, You sent me a spam in your last Dispatch. Please rot in hell.
Mulan: (appalled) TARZAN!

>We'll bring the beat-down on them.

Clopin: (raising eyebrow) That was an awkwardly placed hyphen…

>We do like the foodstuff though.

All: Eeeeeeww!

>--> http://angelfire.lycos.com/doc/spam.html
>
>SOME FOLKS JUST DON'T GET IT

Mulan: And if you don’t get it…
All: …you don’t get it.
Tarzan: Wait…get what?

>Report any Rules violations to our abuse posse.

Tarzan: They’re, like, LA cops, right?

>Make the free internet a better place for all of us.
>It's the right thing to do.

Clopin: As opposed to the left thing to do, I suppose.

>--> http://angelfire.lycos.com/doc/watch.html
>
>RANTS, RAVES, REQUESTS
>Do you love us, really love us?

Tarzan and Clopin: No!
Mulan: (under breath) You guys better shut up. They are providing the page we’re hosted on…

>Let us know how much.
>Or maybe you just like us...

Clopin: (as Dispatch) Or maybe you don’t even like us. In fact, you probably despise us with every fiber of your being. Gah, I’m so depressed.

>Use our new improved Feedback Forms!
>--> http://angelfire.lycos.com/doc/feedback.html

Tarzan: Why should I? What’s in it for me?

>Your account email address is staticcling@megavolt.zzn.com.

Mulan: Thank you so very much. I don’t think I could ever have figured out my own email address, especially considering I’d have to be logged into my account to be reading this, if I were actually subscribed rather than BEING TRAPPED IN THIS FREAKING DUNGEON AND FORCED TO READ THE DAMN THING!
Clopin: Why does Raspy have an account on Megsy’s domain?
Tarzan: (mockingly) And watch your language.

>
>To SUBSCRIBE
>--------------------------------
>If you have received this e-mail from a friend,

Tarzan: What kind of a loser sends the Angelfire Dispatch out to their friends?

>and wish to be on the Angelfire Dispatch mailing list,

Mulan: What kind of a loser subscribes to it?

>please go to http://angelfire.lycos.com and register to become a Member of

Clopin: The Army Reserves!

>Angelfire and the Lycos Network.

Clopin: Them, too.

>
>Angelfire -- You make the pages, we make it easy.

Tarzan: Actually, from what I’ve heard, Angelfire is pretty difficult to work with.

>http://www.angelfire.com
>Copyright 2001 Angelfire, a Lycos Network Site. All Rights Reserved.

Mulan: Including the right to be laughed at, I assume.

>Angelfire« is a registered trademark of Quote.com, Inc. a Lycos Network company.
>
>"You're young and you got your health, what you want with a job?"

Tarzan: Kind of ironic that they sent an email to Raspy with that quote, huh?
Clopin: Let’s just get out of here.