[DOL. Clopin is reading a paper; Mulan and Mrs. Potts are enjoying a cup of tea in silence. Tarzan rushes in, brandishing an acoustic guitar and a tape player.]
Tarzan: (sickeningly excited) You guys! Listen to this! I wrote a song! Well, I wrote the chorus for a song. It’s sort of a work in progress.
[The others look at each other worriedly as Tarzan sits down on a stool and begins strumming a few chords. He then turns the tape player on and begins singing.]
Tarzan: (to the tune of “Walkin’ Away”)
[Tarzan is alone in the theater, hunched over in the far left corner of his seat. Mulan and Clopin tumble in, laughing.]
Tarzan: (bitter; as they take their seats, the laughter subsiding) See if I ever share my creative genius again...
>Changes for Jodie
Mulan: (firmly, to the boys) No. No puberty jokes.
[Tarzan and Clopin look offended.]
>By Robin
Clopin: Williams.
Mulan: Wright.
Tarzan: Hood.
Clopin: Chesterfield.
Mulan: Bird.
Tarzan: Leech.
Clopin: the Brave.
Mulan: Goodfellow.
Tarzan: of Batman and.
Clopin: Leffler.
Mulan: Starvling.
Tarzan: Canmore.
Clopin: Attila the Hun.
Mulan: the Frog.
Tarzan: of Loxley.
>I know it’s a stupid title,
Mulan: (scoffs) No joke.
>but I’ll explain it in the endnotes.
Tarzan: You’d just better, missie!
>* Beep Beep Beep Beep *
Clopin: Oh, great. It’s never a good sign when the annoying sidekick gets the first line.
>Jodie
Tarzan: Certainly not a decent character that’s actually FROM the show...!
>groaned
Mulan: We can groan, too. See?
[All groan]
>as she rolled over to turn her alarm clock off.
>Not another
Clopin: (as author) ...bad Daria fanfic.
>school day, She thought, I can’t do this anymore.
Tarzan: Hey, cool! She thinks in narration.
Clopin: What can't she do anymore?
Mulan: She should try something different then.
>She closed her eyes, once again seriously considering blowing it
Clopin: (as author) …up.
Tarzan: (interested) Blowing what up?
>off.
Clopin: That works, too.
Tarzan: (interested) Blowing what off?
>“Jodie, get down here right now! You’re already one minute behind schedule!”
Clopin: (as overenthusiastic trainer) Which is, of course, a mortal sin!
>came her father’s urgent
Tarzan: Urgent. Urgenturgenturgenturgenturgent. That’s a really stupid sounding word.
>warning.
>“Coming!” she replied, perkily,
Mulan: Eeeew...perk. [shudders]
>followed by another groan under her breath.
>Why the hell
Tarzan: Language!
>can’t he just leave me alone?
>She tumbled out of bed,
Clopin: (as author) ...on to a large, wooden spike. The end.
>careful not to wake the baby.
Mulan: BABY?! Hold on!
>It’s all his fault.
Clopin: Hey, babe. It takes two to tango.
>Mom was so much happier before she had him.
Mulan: Ooooh! [wipes brow]
Tarzan: Whoa! Too much information!
> And she wasn’t home griping… She caught her self in mid-thought. Don’t think like that!
Tarzan: (as Jodie’s psyche) Yeah! Italics are so last month!
>You’re supposed to be the good one.
>“JODIE!”
All: WHAT-IE?!
>“Coming, Dad.”
>She pulled on the familiar rose blouse.
Tarzan: Her familiar is a rose blouse? Cool!
Clopin: That’s...not exactly possible. Familiars generally have to be ambulatory. It’s kind of in the job description.
Mulan: But, is it a rule?
Clopin: Erm...Not in so many words... More a guideline, actually.
>Why do I always wear this? It’s so…pink. Maybe I’ll try something new tomorrow.
Tarzan: (innocently) Hey, is that what was going through your mind, Mulan?
Mulan: (snarls)
>But she knew she never would.
>She slipped into the gray skort and stepped into her shoes.
Clopin: See, Mulan, this is how normal girls dress.
Mulan: (snide) Oh, and I suppose you guys have normal attire?
>Stumbling down the stairs, she was reminded of her French Club meeting that afternoon.
Mulan: How was she reminded? Did she see a pile of mashed potatoes?
Clopin: (glares) At least we don’t sound like damn cash registers!
Tarzan: Cool it, guys.
Mulan: (pointing) And you! Your bloody language is so fricken’ convoluted that even the designated “teachers” can’t speak it properly!
Tarzan: What?! What is that supposed to...oh. Yeah. Can't argue with that.
>Ugh! Why did I join, any way? Oh, I remember. Because it would “look good on my college application.”
Mulan: You could always join the military instead of
going to college, you know.
Clopin: Or go on welfare.
>As she approached the kitchen, Jodie could hear her father chewing Rachel out.
Clopin: That's rather vulgar.
Tarzan: (clueless) He shouldn't have eaten Rachel if she tasted bad.
>“A ‘C-‘?!?
Tarzan: (as Milo Kamilani) C-negative! My grade matches my blood type!
>We expect better out of you, young lady!”
Clopin: (as Andrew) YEAH. You can do better than that. [pulls out a whip] Get to work!
>“But, it’s passing,” Rachel said, pleading her case.
>“Sure, it’s passing, but we want excellence. Why can’t you be more like your sister? She would never settle for ‘passing’.”
Clopin: (as Andrew Landon) No, she would rather read "Quicksand."
>No, don’t say that!
Mulan: (as Jodie) I’m more than pleased with “passing”!
>And they wonder why we fight so often.
Tarzan: Why do they fight so often?
>“Good morning, Sweetie,” Andrew Landon said as his elder daughter walked into
Clopin: (as author) ...the spinning blades he had set up the previous night.
>the kitchen. He momentarily forgot about the grade dilemma.
Mulan: Um, Tarz? I though you said he didn’t care about either of his daughters. I thought it was just the baby he paid any attention to.
Tarzan: (shrugging) Apparently the whole Andrew Landon mindset was rewritten by this chick.
>“Morning, Dad.”
Clopin: (as Mr. Landon) Yes, it is, dear! Very good! You get a cookie for your brilliant insight!
Tarzan: (as Jodie) Oh, thank you, Daddy! [pants]
>“How did you sleep?”
Mulan: (as Jodie) Terribly! It felt as if there were a bowling ball under my mattress!
>“Fine,” she lied as she began
Clopin: (as author) To plot revenge against her father, hoping to go on Jerry Springer and blame him for all her problems!
>to make her breakfast.
>“Did you decide which summer schools you are going to apply to this year?”
Mulan: Ewww! Summer school! How...boring. They still subject people to that?
>“Not yet.”
>“Dad?” Rachel tried to get his attention.
Clopin: (as author) ...by singing loudly, wearing a series of skin-tight, skimpy outfits, and dancing errotically.
>“Jodie, you’ve only got six more months,” he said, unaware of his middle child’s plea for attention.
Tarzan: Six months until what?
Clopin: Until the baby's due. Didn't you know? This is just a big soap opera!
Mulan: (gagging) Clopin!!
>“Dad?!?” Rachel said again, rather impatiently.
Clopin: (as Rachel) There’s a big, scabby band-aid on your sandwich!
>“Colleges look for students who get their forms in early. Punctual people
Tarzan: What, like comma people and period people?
>are more desirable than procrastinators,”
Mulan: I rather prefer procrastinators to exclamation mark people.
>he continued.
Clopin: (as narrator) ...boring us.
>“DAD!” Rachel screamed.
Mulan: (as author) “RACHEL!” Dad screamed back.
>Crying
Tarzan: (as author) ...and lava...
>erupted from a bedroom upstairs.
>Andrew immediately started
Clopin: Doing a Hawaiian Rain Dance!
>yelling at his younger daughter once again.
>“Now look what you’ve done! You woke up your brother! You’re grounded for the rest of the month!
Mulan: (as Jodie) Dad...it’s the 31st.
>And, another thing…”
Clopin: (as Andrew) Go change your clothes!
>Forget this. Jodie thought as she left the house, her bread still in the toaster and orange juice on the counter.
Tarzan: Hey, now. You’d better eat that. You’re going to be hungry later!
>
>“What did Orwell mean when he wrote that ‘War is Peace, Freedom is Slavery, Ignorance is
Mulan: Everywhere.
>Strength’?” He was met with silence.
Clopin: Nice to meet you, Silence. That’s an interesting name you’ve got there.
>Again. Sighing, he resorted to that intelligent girl in the front row. What was her name again? Ah, yes. “Daria?”
Mulan: Ah. Stream of consciousness writing. Always fun.
>“What Orwell was trying to say, was that…”
Clopin: (snorting) That was a cheap way for the author to avoid coming up with an answer.
Mulan: Well, do you know what he meant?
Clopin: Erm…
>Jodie tried to drown out O’Neill’s feeble attempts to make the mindless drones understand the novel
Tarzan: (as author) But it soon proved futile and she was forced to destroy him.
>as she began furiously writing a note.
Clopin: [growls over the ensuing note]
>Mack-
Mulan: Truck?
>Meet me outside the library right before lunch.
Mulan: Maybe he doesn't want to talk before lunch. Guys
usually think only about their stomachs at lunchtime, you
know.
>I need to talk to you about something.
Tarzan: (as Mack) Well, that narrows it way down. There are only about 100 people at this school whose names start with J.
>She had finally decided on what she had to do. There was no turning back now.
Mulan: (as author) There was no turning forward, either.
> >Glancing around nervously to make sure he wasn’t coming, she slipped the note into one of the vent holes in Mack’s locker,
Clopin: (as author) Thereby blocking it and preventing the ventilation of his locker. Two months later when the locker was opened again, its owner and every student within a 20-yard radius was bowled over by the intense stench of a rotten tuna sandwich and an old pair of gym socks.
>then attempted to fight her way through the crowded hall and on to her next class.
Tarzan: I still hold by my conviction that high school students should employ Sir Launcelot’s method of fighting his way through a crowded area.
> >History seemed to drag more than usual today,
Clopin: How can History possibly drag any more?
>as time has a tendency to do when you dread what will inevitably happen. The fact that Mack was right there
Tarzan: (looking around nervously) Right where?
>didn’t help much, either. Apparently he had already been to his locker, as he smiled and nodded in her direction as he walked in.
Clopin: Oh, come on. That could mean any one of a number of things!
>She knew what she must do, though, and accepted her fate.
Mulan: Oh, jeez. More of that Pandora-esque alluding to some vague action that is to take place some time in the near future. You think these two could be one and the same?
>“Why, Ms. LANdon, YOU seem especially VAcant today.
[Tarzan holds up a sign with an arrow pointing to
Jodie's head reading, “This space for rent!”]
>Is there something you would like to SHARE with us?”
Mulan: No. It's top-secret information.
>“No, Mr. DeMartino. I’m sorry.”
All: No, you’re not!
>“Well, in THAT case, maybe you would like to TELL US which WAR I was just discussing.”
Tarzan: The Ci? I don’t believe I’m familiar with that particular war.
>*Brrrrrriiiiiiiiiiing*
Clopin: There’s that damn side-kick again.
>Saved by the bell.
All: (singing) It's alright, 'cos I'm saved by the bell!
> >“Jodie! Over here!” Mack called from across the hall.
Tarzan: They make medicine that can help with that.
>“What was it you needed to talk to me ab…”
Mulan: c, d, e...
>“Mack, I’m sorry,” she started, choking up.
Tarzan: (as author) …on the clutch.
>“This can’t go on. I care for you, I really do, but
Mulan: (as Jodie) Let’s just be friends.
>I just don’t have the time to make this work. I know how much I hurt you by
Clopin: (as Jodie) ...Hitting you the other day.
>not being there for you when you need me
Mulan: That's a poor excuse.
>and never having time to do anything with you and the only way to show you that I really love you is to let you go.
Tarzan: (as Jodie) …to the game on Friday.
>I just want you to be happy, and I don’t have the time to do it.
Clopin: (as random female student) Oooh! Sounds like someone’s getting dumped!
>I hope you’ll find someone else who’s
Clopin: (as Jodie) ...Not as ditzy as I am!
>not too busy trying to make everyone else happy to give you what you need.”
Tarzan: At this point, Mack broke into a snappy song and dance number a la so many other cartoon characters.
>A single tear trickled down Mack’s face as he heard the words he hoped he never would.
Clopin: (as random student) You’re a sissy boy, MacKenzie!
>He didn’t bother to wipe it off, but instead let it run its course, finally stopping at the corner of his lip.
[All lean over to have a good yak. They stay down for quite a while.]
>Jodie leaned forward and kissed him one last time, the salty taste of the tear in her mouth.
[All raise up.]
>Jodie leaned forward and kissed him one last time, the salty taste of the tear in her mouth.
[More vomiting ensues.]
>She turned and brusquely walked down the hall. She had to stay strong. The model student.
Clopin: What does being the model student have to do with acting like a- oof!
>She turned down the first corridor and, as soon as she was out of sight, broke down.
Clopin: (as author) ...the door to the boys’ locker room and whipped out an acid flamethrower.
>With head in hands, she ran down the hall and into the bathroom. She hung her
Tarzan: (as author) ...self from the pipes criss-crossing the ceiling.
>head over the sink, her shoulders heaving.
Mulan: Uh... I believe you’ve woken up, gotten dressed, stormed out of the house, and broken up with your boyfriend. An eventful day, I think.
>Just then, Brittany walked in, unknown to Jodie.
Tarzan: Jodie should try to make more friends.
>“Jodie?”
Clopin: The intruder in the mirror, eh? Sound’s like a cheezy teen angst novel to me.
>What little mascara she had put on had formed streams down her face.
Clopin: Obviously she's not big into teen fashion, is she?
>“What the hell do you want?”
Mulan: She was just being nice. Jeeze.
>“Eep!” Brittany squeaked. She turned and ran out, her pigtails
Clopin: (as author) ...catching in the door as it slammed shut.
>flailing behind her.
Tarzan: (as author) ...a forty-two movement opus...
>wiped her face off with a paper towel,
Mulan: (as author) ...managing only to smear the mascara in even more,
>and headed towards the cafeteria.
Tarzan: (as author) ...growled so loudly that the entire cafeteria
stopped eating and stared at her.
>reminded her of her lack of sustenance so far that day. She got in line and
Clopin: (as author) ...drop-kicked the cafeteria cook into a vat of soup.
>bought a lunch.
Clopin: (bitterly) Probably. Wouldn't surprise me in the least.
>“Why, hello, Jodie. Do you feel alright?” inquired the cashier as she rung up Jodie’s lunch.
Tarzan: Felter? She was the sub on Hey Arnold!, right?
>I’m fine. Why do you ask?”
Mulan: (as cashier) Because you have mascara smeared all
over your face.
>“You just look a little down, that’s all.”
Clopin: Er... I beg to differ.
>Thanks for asking, though.”
Tarzan: (as cashier; overly sappy) Here's a BIIIIG smilie to make you
feel better!
>“You too.”
Clopin: Why?
>That was out of the question.
Clopin: Why?!
>As she gazed around, she couldn’t help noticing that Mack was nowhere to be seen.
Mulan: So, then, why couldn’t she sit in her usual spot?
>Wonder where he is? I hope he’s all right.
Tarzan: You obviously didn't care anything for his feelings while you were dumping him...
>There they were.
Clopin: (as author) The clowns that haunted her in her dreams. They had all laughed at her. Said she was paranoid. But she’d see who was laughing after the clowns were through with them.
>They were certain to let her sit with them.
Clopin: (as author) ...because clowns are funny that way.
>“So Tom says that he wants to go bowling, but I want to go to Pizza King.”
Tarzan: Hard decision. Let's flip a quarter.
>Jane was saying as Jodie walked up. “So Tom says ‘But we went to Pizza King yesterday’. So I go…”
Mulan: Hold on! Since when did Jane start talking like that?
>“Your stories get stupider and more pointless everyday.” Daria pointed out.
Clopin: (as Daria) Yeah. Soon they’ll be as bad as this one.
>“Hi, Daria. Jane. Mind if I sit here today?”
Mulan: (as Daria) NO! GO AWAY!
>“Not if you can handle the thrilling King Tom stories.”
Mulan: (confused) Shouldn't that be "Not if you can't handle..."?
>“Hey. Go right ahead, “ Jane said, ignoring Daria’s comment.
Clopin: Oh, if only ignoring this fic were so easy.
>“Thanks,” Jodie said.
Tarzan: (as Jane) You look horrible! Oh, wait. That's the way you normally look. Sorry. My mistake.
>“Yeah, I’m fine. I’m just a little depressed, that’s all.” Jodie replied, sniffling a little.
Clopin: I suggest Prozac! The wonder drug!
>“And, since misery loves company, here you are.” Daria deadpanned.
Mulan: Didn't she just tell you that?
>“Oh, a little hectic. You know. Nothing new,” Jodie answered, as if nothing
Tarzan: Happened?
>were wrong.
Clopin: A great observation! Give Daria a medal.
>interrogator style.
Mulan: [shines a bright flashlight in Tarzan's face] Okay, 'fess up!
>“Something you don’t want us to know.”
Clopin: The May pole.
>“It’s nothing, really…”
Tarzan: Gawd, Daria! She obviously doesn’t want to talk about it!
>“It’s just that,” Jodie started, “I…I broke up with Mack.”
Clopin: Time to pass out the tissues, right?
>“Oh, I’m so sorry,” Jane said, taken aback.
Mulan: Oooh, I want to know!
>Daria said in her usual unmoved style.
Tarzan: (as author) ...while Jodie burst into tears again.
>for a few minutes, all three poking at their food nervously.
Clopin: Maybe their food isn't dead yet.
>Finally, Daria broke the silence.
[Clopin drops a vase, which shatters on the floor.]
>“So, where did you wind up going last night?”
Clopin and Tarzan: (as Beavis and Butthead) Diarrhea, cha cha cha!
>Jane yelled at her, appalled that she would bring up something like that at a time like this.
Tarzan: (as surfer dude) Wuhl, yah. Like, that was totally uncalled for, ‘nstuff.
>“I was just trying to make conversation,” she retorted.
Mulan: (as Jodie) ...go on Oprah.
>get on with my life,
Tarzan: (singing) This is it! This is life, the one you live, so go and have a ball!
>and talking about something else will certainly help.” Jodie said, still sniffling a little.
Clopin: (as author) ...of the white powder Daria proffered.
>“Well, what do you want to talk about?”
All: Anything but Tom!
>Jane asked her.
Mulan and Tarzan: (as Jessica and Gina) Whateverrrrrrrr!
>Jane took this as an invitation to finish her Tom story.
Clopin: Who cares?
>Daria groaned and rolled her eyes as Jane started up again.
Mulan: Looks like Daria agrees with you, too.
>Jodie half-listened, glad to have something to take her mind off of Mack, but bored to tears all the same.
Tarzan: Like she needed anything else to cry over today...
>“You can tell her to quit
Mulan: (as Daria) Smoking.
>anytime you want to,” Daria whispered to Jodie.
Mulan: When has Daria ever whispered?
Tarzan: Burger?
Clopin: Daddy?
Tarzan and Mulan: Don’t call him that!
Clopin: And the library is such a boorish place to met. I
suggest a nightclub.
>
Clopin: I like Dave Barry's land torpedo idea, myself.
Clopin: She's planning to... (very dramatic) TAKE OVER THE WORLD!
Tarzan: With a giant Twinkie!
>“Uhh, the Ci…”
Mulan: At least its relatively unobtrusive...
>She made her way over in his direction, her heart pounding and stomach churning.
Clopin: I believe it's called Pepto Bismol.
Clopin: Ouch.
Tarzan: (falsetto) Dibs!
Mulan: Dibs!
Clopin: (as Eric Idle) Yes?
Clopin: (singing) I don’t understand you... I just don’t understand you.
>“Good bye, Mack.”
Clopin: Ugh. That was one of the more sickening passages ever written.
Tarzan: I don’t know. I have a feeling that the next couple of sentences might have been worse. I didn’t get to read them, though.
Rasputin: (off screen) You didn’t read that? I’ll just have to run it back, then.
Mulan: (under breath) Tarzan, you idiot…
>“Good bye, Mack.”
Tarzan: (raising up) Yup. I was right.
Mulan: Good thing these air-sickness bags are still here.
Clopin: (whiny) I already used mine...
Mulan: (rubbing her elbow) That kind of hurt. You alright, Clopin?
Clopin: (with great difficulty) Ugh… Juss fffffine.
Tarzan: Trying to be a model student, Mulan?
Mulan: You can't throw acid and flames...
Clopin: You only say that because no one ever has.
>“Oh, God! What have I done?” she moaned between sobs.
>She raised her head out of her hands and glared at the intruder in the mirror.
Tarzan: Maybe it's Alice in Wonderland, and she'll go through the mirror into an alternate universe.
Mulan: Even that would be better than THIS storyline.
>Strengthened by this sudden outburst, Jodie composed herself,
>Although she didn’t feel up to eating, her stomach
>Oh, boy. Spaghetti again. What is this, the third time this week? She thought as she picked up her tray.
>“Hello, Mrs. Felter.
>“I’m fine.
>“Have a nice day.”
>Jodie looked around for a place to sit. She couldn’t sit in her usual spot.
Clopin: Heads is the Pizza King.
Mulan: Tails is the bowling alley.
Tarzan: [flips a coin] Heads!
Clopin: That's democracy for you!
Mulan: [whines] Two out of three!
Tarzan: (sighing) Since the writers decided to give her a boyfriend. Just wait until you get to the part in the series where Daria gets one.
[Mulan looks horrified.]
Clopin: (as Jane) And take the evil clowns with you!
Tarzan: No, that's right.
[Mulan mouths the words to herself and attempts to follow the sentence's lack of coherence.]
>“Are you okay?” Jane asked Jodie after taking a good look at her.
Mulan: You guys! Stop advertising for pharmaceutical corporations!
Tarzan: Can't we put her on it anyway?
[long dramatic pause, and all shudder at the thought of
Jodie on Prozac]
>“So, how’s life?” Jane asked.
Clopin: Mattered?
>“There’s something you’re not telling us…isn’t there?” Daria asked,
Tarzan: I see the light; it BURNS!
>“Come on, out with it!” Jane said, playing around.
Mulan: The mulberry bush!
Tarzan: The jungle gym!
>“There’s gotta be something.” Daria coaxed.
Mulan: I guess she wants the entire school to find out about her problems, doesn't she?
>“Well, I guess this wouldn’t be an appropriate time to tell that dumb jock joke I heard, would it?”
Clopin: Have you heard the one about the football players from Nashville?
Tarzan: Lay off the Country already, would you?!
>They sat in awkward silence
Tarzan: Ewwww... [shudders]
>“Daria!”
>“No, it’s okay. I need to
Clopin: (as Jodie) ...cry some more.
Clopin: Eww, lyrics from an old sitcom... Didn't we tell you to stop singing?
>“I don’t know. Whatever.”
>“Okay, well, Tom and I wound up at…”
Tarzan: Not I.
Clopin: It's bad for your health.
Clopin: Now, apparently.
Tarzan: Let’s break!
[Exeunt.]
