I consider myself to be fairly patriotic – I always stand at attention for the Pledge of Allegiance (and even go so far as to ::gasp!:: say it), as well as the national anthem, I know every state capital, I have the first two stanzas of The Midnight Ride of Paul Revere memorized (or I did at one time...), and I absolutely love a good, homemade apple pie. Even so, I have recently developed a fascination with our neighbor to the north.

What has “America Jr.” got going for it? A whole zarking lot, let me tell you. Shall I list the reasons it is superior?

~ I had a lot of fun when I visited in third grade.
~ They don’t traipse off to war every time there’s an opportunity.
~ How many of their indigenous animals are extinct?!
~ “Oh, Canada” is much easier to play than “The Star Spangled Banner,” not to mention easier to sing.
~ Speaking of ease, the flag is considerably simpler to draw than, say, Sri Lanka’s.
~ They use the metric system.
~ It’s natural resources include maple syrup, geese, meese, Mounties, hockey players, and funny names.

~ 1/2 of the letters in its name are ‘a’s.
~ Canada Dry is the only ginger ale that doesn’t make me nauseous.
~ Their margarine is orange.
~ There are so many fun songs about it.
~ The first episode of Monty Python’s Flying Circus was called “Whither Canada.” Or was it “Wither Canada?”
~ It has given us Mike Myers, Seth Rogen, Jay Baruchel, Ryan Gosling, Colin Mochrie, Charles de Lint, Teri Clark, Dan Aykroyd, Brendan Fraser (sort of), Le Cirque du Soleil, the Barenaked Ladies, Kim Cattrall, Roaming Tigress, Maggie’s grandmother, and lots of other famous people.
~ And, finally, unlike SOME countries, Canada did not give us Adam Sandler, Britney Spears, Michael Eisner, Carson Daly, Dave Aizer, Jason Alexander, or that creepy guy who wears the question mark jackets.

So, there you go. That’s why Canada is awesome. I’d move there right now, but 1) I’m still a bit underage, and 2) It’s too smeggin’ cold. Sorry guys. I’m a redneck, born and bred. Anything below 70° is unbearable.

Back to the warmth of the red, white, and blue

Psst! You wanna see an awesome site? Go to Well Known People who Happen to be Canadians.
Created February 18, 2002