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Mystery Disney Science Theater 2000
Episode 1: When Spam Attacks
by Roaming Tigress

In the not-too-distant future
Way out in Hamilton, Ontario
The evil Negaduck and Megavolt
Were hatching a Nasty Scheme
They hired a temp by the name of Rameses
Just a bit of competition
Just a regular joe he didn't like.
Hi experiment needed a good test case,
So he conked him on the noggin
And he commuted him to Can-a-da. (Too cold!)

We'll send him cheesy spammings,
The worst we can find (la-la-la),
He'll have to sit and watch them all,
And I'll monitor his mind (la-la-la).
Now keep in mind Rameses can't control
Where the spammings begin or end (la-la-la),
He'll try to keep his sanity
With the help of his Disney friends.

Dis-Ney Rollcall!

Liquidator (I'm ready!)
Negaduck (Feel my wrath!)
Ammonia Pine (I'm here!)
Steelbeak (Hey babe!)
Megavolt (I'm electrifying!)
Frollo: (My conscience is clear!)
Scarrrrr! (Be prep-arrrrrrrrrred!)


W.O.L - Warehouse of Love

Rameses is typing away at the computer when it suddenly freezes up.

Rameses: By the power of Ra! I've had it with this computer! *pounds his fist on the keyboard*

Frollo walks past and sighs.

Frollo: Why you bother with that object is beyond me. All that...How shall I put it? Oh, never mind...

He walks away.

Rameses: *sighs as he reboot the computer* Work, work, work...

Scar pokes his head out from under the computer table.

Scar: It never works. Might as well give up!

The Liquidator: Microsoft works!

Scar: Right...That's a oxymoron if I've ever heard one.

Rameses logs back onto the Internet. He checks his email and discovers 10 messages - all spam. He sighs and pounds his head on the keyboard.

Scar: Ouch.

The Liquidator: Love it or hate it! Spam is spam!

Rameses: *depressed* Not a single ‘real' message...

Scar: I wouldn't take it to heart...

The Liquidator: After all, it's spam, and you only get it once a year!

Rameses: *growls* If only that was true...

Steelbeak looks over his shoulder.

Steelbeak: So I see yes having' a bit of trouble with da spam...Heh-heh-heh-heh!

Scar: *through clenched teeth* Laugh one more time...

Rameses: *laughs* Scar...That will be enough.

Ammonia Pine rushes in; dropping her mop and bucket of water she was carrying.

Ammonia Pine: Is that my cutie patootie I hear laughing'?

Steelbeak emits a scream of anguish and runs.

Frollo: *rubs his forehead* Pitiful...

Ammonia is chasing Steels about.

The Liquidator: Simple pleasures for simple minds!

The lights start flickering on and off and The Phantom of The Opera theme music is heard through the loudspeakers. Everyone groans.

Rameses: *rolls eyes* Let's just see what Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum want this time...

He minimizes Netscape and clicks on the ‘Negaverse Lair' icon.

Negaverse Lair - Negaduck is sitting haughtily in his chair, facing the monitor with his elbows resting on the table while Megavolt spins about excitedly in his in the background.

Negaduck: *sneering* When we told you that we're gonna send you the worst spam we could find, we really meant it! Hah!

Megavolt is now riding around on the chair and crashes into the wall.

Megavolt: Orch...

Negaduck: Now, now my test dummies, you'll just love this! *cackles and cracks his knuckles; leans back and looks over his shoulder* Megadummy, give me that...

Megavolt bows, holding a clipboard.

Megavolt: You're evilness...

Negaduck snatches away the clipboard and reads it.

Negaduck: Have fun with "Foreign Currency Strategies", losers! *laughs manically then shuts off the monitor*

The Liquidator: *Britto* Currency is a state of being!

*A remix version The Phantom of The Opera theme is played; everyone panics*

Rameses: Spam sign!

Door Scene

7...6...5...4...3...3...1

Scar, Rameses, Frollo, Steelbeak and the Liquidator take their seats.

>>Foreign Currency Strategies

Steelbeak: Starrin' Judi Detch and Da Chippendales!

The Liquidator: *dramatically* Dum-duh-dum-da-dummmmm!

>> Learn how to put your money

Scar: Up your -

Rameses: Scar!

Scar: *whines* Hey! I didn't get to finish!

>>to work for you!

The Liquidator: You must be of legal drinking age!

>>Unlock the secrets to successful

Frollo: *jumps up off the chair excitedly and shoots his fist into the air* Rice recipes!

Rameses: Sock monkey patterns!

Steelbeak: Candy Vendin' Machine mongahs!

>>investors!

All gasp.

>>Find out why

Rameses: ...The sky is blue. *sings* And I love youuuu...

Frollo: ...We're here wasting our time with such drivel.

Scar: ...Donald Duck is pant less while Mickey Mouse is shirtless..

Steelbeak: ...I'm just too sexy to wear dis suit!

>>currency trading is

Steelbeak: Currently illegal in de state of Utah and da Province of Quebec!

>>for you!

Rameses: *laughs* For me? I am so flattered...Really! I can't thank you enough!

>>We will supply you with

Frollo: Tickets to see "Callany and Consignation: The Movie"

The Liquidator: Secretaries that are simply to die for! Act now!

Rameses: A year's pass to the Toronto Zoo!

>>a free audio cassette

Frollo: Just what I've always wanted.

>>you need to know about this phenomenal market!

Scar: Could it wait? My favorite television show is on in fifteen minutes and I simply cannot miss it!

>>Simply reply with your name,

The Liquidator: And the names of your sea monkeys!

Steelbeak: And da name of yer sistah's best friend's uncle's next door neighbour's name!

>>mailing address and complete telephone number

Rameses: Is it even possible to have an incomplete telephone number? I mean COME ON!

>>to receive this valuable information!

Frollo: Please send your confidential information with us regardless of the fact that you don't know us!

>>All replies are kept strictly confidential.

Steelbeak: Welllllllll...I might tell my goldfish about Tom Smith's terrible grammar once in a while.

>>*must be at least 21 years of age*

Scar: I'm underage! Hurrah!

Rameses: It's over...It's over...

Everyone exits the theater.

Steelbeak: Well dat wazn't so bad. I mean it could be WOISE!

Scar: It was utterly ridiculous nonetheless!

Frollo: Utter crap!

Rameses: Oh really? I found it rather entertaining, actually. I mean it's something to do while we're locked here in this warehouse!

The Liquidator: Never fear! The Liquidator is here!

Remix Phantom of The Opera theme

Rameses: Gotta see what the Tyrannical Two want again...*switches the monitor on; Megavolt and Negaduck are sitting beside each other, grinning.

Negaduck: Today's performance was better than I expected. BUT you still fail to amuse me.

All the guys sigh.

Megavolt: You heard the boss!

Rameses: We tried our best! Honestly!

Megavolt whispers something to Negaduck

Negaduck: But of course! *laughs wickedly* In a period of TWO YEARS this continuous Bird-H2O-Cat-and-Man show will fry your minute little minds!

Megavolt laughs; Negaduck smacks him upside the head.

Steelbeak: *growls* We'll jus' see about DAT!

Negaduck: Stuff it, TURKEY!

Steelbeak: *outraged* Un tacchino lo ha chiamato! Un frickin ' TURCHIA! Figlio maledetto d'una femmina...

Rameses: *nervously* Steelbeak, that'll be enough...

Negaduck: *is laughing so hard that he starts to pound the desk* That is gold...Haha...A turkey that knows how speak Italian! Hahahaha...How cute *wipes away a tear*

Megavolt: *seriously* Ugh...Boss? He called you a son of a bitch...

Negaduck: *now very pissed off* WHAT????

Scar: I'm sure it was just a slip of the tounge....I can assure you!

Negaduck, growling, slips his hand into his monitor and reaches into Rameses'; everyone has the"deer in the headlights" look. Negaduck snatches Steelbeak by the collar of his suit just before he can run off. He somehow manages to lift him off the ground. Maybe Negs eats his Wheaties?

Steelbeak: Eeeep!

Negaduck: Before I let you go, I must tell you you're lucky to get away this time, but there won't be a NEXT time!

Negaduck drops Steelbeak who falls to the ground with an audible thump. The rooster gets up, dusts himself off and hides behind Rameses, who is still standing there with his mouth open in shock.

Megavolt: Goodbye, morons!

The Negaverse Lair's monitor fades out.

Scar: *walks past Steelbeak and looks up at him* Smart-ass. *wanders off*


Disclaimer:

Scar, Megavolt, The Liquidator, Frollo, Negaduck, Ammonia Pine and Steelbeak are copyrighted 1991-1996 by the Walt Disney Company. Rameses is copyright 1998 by DreamWorks. Concept idea from Mystery Science Theater 3000 is copyright Best Brains Inc. Please do not redistribute Misting without prior consent of the author.
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