My life as written by other people.
Ok, as you may have guessed or realized by now, I'm a weird bastard. During my 19 years on this planet I've collected a lot of writings,
speeches and whatnot that as far as I'm conserned really reflect my life. And because I have nothing better to do with my miserable existance I'm going to share them with you.
"As soon as I was born, I noticed that babies have it pretty easy: Wake up, cry, piss, roll over, drool, suck, eat, gag, belch,
puke, giggle, crap, crawl, stand, fall, cry, scream, bleed, coo,
sleep...and dream.
I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full blown sociopath. I'm probably the only child who went directly from shenanigans
to crimes against nature.
I was always a little different. Most kids had a dog named
Spot. You know what I called my dog? Stain. Different. Instead
of my thumb, I sucked my ring finger. And I had a strange ambition: I just wanted to live longer than Jesus.
My mother said it was because I was sensitive, so she washed me in Woolite.
I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was at the midnight show. My cap gun had a sliencer.
My lemonade stand had dance hostesses.
Still I was practical. When one of my playmates died in an accident, i asked his mother if I could have his toys...
...I became a loner; I just wanted to be by myself. I had an imaginary
friend, but I didn't bother with him. Fuck 'im! let him get his own friends.
I got no time for people like that.
When you're a loner you have to make up your own games. Tag was difficult.
I used to play cop. And instead of hide and seek i played a pathetic little game called hide. one time I remained hidden for
well over a month before i realized no one was looking for me. It was sad, really.
But there are compensations. To this day I remain unchalanged at musical chair.
My mother would always say, "Why are you playing alone?" And I would say,
"I'm not playin', Ma. I'm fuckin' serious!"
Eventually I was sent to a psychologist, and I honestly believe he was crazier than I was. I should've
stabbed him many times in the eyes with a railroad spike when I still had the chance.
I consider it a lost opportunity."
-- George Carlin --
"I'm kidding folks a hard on is always a good thing, unless your Catholic. I was raised Catholic and let's face it folks
That religion is VERY Anti-dick!"
-- Bill Mahr --
"...and if you so much as look at an alter boy the wrong way, we don't send to to some far of church NO!
We make you stand in times square holging a neon sign that reads. "I carry a torch
for kids who carry candles." you FUCKING ASSHOLE!
-- Dennis Leary --
Email: gutterpunk@hotmail.com
