The scene opens on a man in a suit sitting at a desk.<br><br>Man: Ladies and gentlemen...<br><br>At this point, the man suddenly explodes for no real reason. As the bits
settle and the smoke clears, Mortanius and Janos Audron walk onto the
scene.<br><br>Mortanius: What do you reckon that was about then?<br><br>Janos: I'm guessing that the writer's running out of ideas.<br><br>Mortanius: Ah, figures. To be honest, I'm suprised he's kept the series
going this long!<br><br>Janos: Yeah. It's been months now. When d'you reckon he'll get a clue and
pack the whole thing in?<br><br>Mortanius: With his idiocy? Probably never. Sadly for the rest of us.<br><br>At this point, Kain walks in.<br><br>Kain: Guys? It's not a good idea to insult the writer like this.<br><br>Mortanius: Why not? He's a total moron!<br><br>Janos: Besides, he's not going to drop a giant anvil on us, ya know!<br><br>Janos and Mortanius are suddenly turned into chocolate cake and eaten by a
passing elephant.<br><br>Kain: You're right. He didn't.<br><br>****************************************************************************
*****<br><br>Welcome to part 10 of Legacy of Kain 1a - Things to do in Nosgoth when
you're dead!<br><br>In this chapter, an empire of blood, carved by the Vampire Kain, will not
appear in Nosgoth. That doesn't happen until well after Blood Omen 1. Also,
yet more apologies to Cat in a Hat for using the wrong gender in my apology
to her last chapter (and thanks to Flute for pointing that out!). To show
how sorry I am, please indicate which character you least like in LoK, and
I will drop a giant watermelon on them next chapter!<br><br>****************************************************************************
*****<br><br>Kain: (VO) I spent several days trudging through the wildernesses of
Nosgoth to get to the Toymaker's mansion. I was foolish to listen to the
rumours saying that the tunnel from the castle to the area where Elzevir
was stationed. No wonder Ottmar couldn't get his daughter's soul back. The
guy employs utter fools in his army! So I had to walk through forests and
through Stahlberg to continue. The Nemesis had destroyed Stahlberg, all the
Universities and probably a couple of brothels too. I detested the scars
left upon the world at the hands of the Nemesis. Dunno why. I didn't care
one way or the other about him last chapter. But that was before I'd been
taken the wrong way through that damned tunnel, I guess.<br><br>Kain trudges through the ice fields he has found himself in, and finally
stands before the giant stronghold of Elzevir the Dollmaker...<br><br>Kain: OK, hold it there. I know I touched on this before, but I really have
to express my displeasure on this point. I am Kain. By the point of the
series that we've reached at December 2002 (when this chapter was written),
I could also be known as the scourge of the Circle, the defeater of the
Hylden, the Dark Emperor of Nosgoth, the Lord of the Vampire
Clans...basically, a very feared and powerful guy. Right? So now my enemy
here, my latest &quot;Most powerful enemy in Nosgoth this month that Kain has to
destroy to save Nosgoth&quot; is called Elzevir the Dollmaker?!? Who next?
Altair the Teddy-father? Samarne the Video Game Designer? The guy who
invented the Rubix Cube? Grrr...<br><br>Kain walks into the dark and menacing Toys 'R' Us branch, and is met with a
labyrinth of ailses (how the hell do you spell the plural of &quot;aisle&quot;?
Answers on a postcard to...) containing toys, shoppers, and employees who
keep doing a slightly altered version of the following scene:<br><br>Employee: Excuse me, sir, can I help you?<br><br>Kain: For the millionth time, NO!!!<br><br>Employee: Ah, just browsing?<br><br>Kain: No!!! I'm trying to find Elzevir the Dollmaker so I can rip him apart
and steal a doll of his!<br><br>Employee: Ah, that'd be aisle 735.<br><br>Kain: The last employee said it was this aisle!<br><br>Employee: No, this one is Yu-Gi-Oh cards.<br><br>Kain: Er, we've done the Yu-Gi-Oh jokes.<br><br>Employee: Yeah, but that was ages ago! The audience won't remember that far
back!<br><br>Kain: I think you underestimate the intelligence of the LoK fans. They're a
highly intelligent bunch.<br><br>Employee: Didn't your voice actor have a scene in the New Adventures of
Superman where he showed disgust towards sycophants?<br><br>Kain: We don't talk about that. I am a classic and highly original anti-
hero. Lord Nor was an idiot.<br><br>Employee: The point is that I think you're exaggerating about the LoK
fandom's intelligence.<br><br>Kain: Oh yeah? We'll see about that! Pick an audience member at random.<br><br>Employee: OK...that one!<br><br>The camera shows Irmok the Mad.<br><br>Kain: He doesn't count.<br><br>Employee: Why not?<br><br>Kain: He's a character, not a fan, and also, he's dead.<br><br>Employee: He's not dead!<br><br>Kain throws an Implode at Irmok. Irmok, suprisingly enough, implodes.<br><br>Kain: Yes he is.<br><br>Employee: Alright...that one!<br><br>A tall, long haired fan walks into the scene.<br><br>Kain: Now, you're just a random LoK fan, aren't you?<br><br>Fan: Yes. That is true.<br><br>Employee: Wait a sec...6 foot six? Shoulder-length slightly-messy hair?
Romantic-era Goth clothes? WELSH ACCENT???<br><br>Fan: Your point would be?<br><br>Employee: You're not a random fan! You're Crystarr, the guy who's writing
this rambling excuse for a fanfic!!!<br><br>Crystarr: Er...there's no concrete evidence for that!<br><br>Employee: Yes there is!<br><br>Crystarr: Like what?<br><br>Employee: It says your name every time you have a line! I don't believe
this! Now this is a self-insertion fic? You've got a huge ego problem if
you think anyone wants to read about you...<br><br>Suddenly, a giant pelican waddles by and eats the employye.<br><br>Crystarr: Now what are the odds of that happening? Answers on a postcard
to...<br><br>Crystarr walks off, his demonstration of how not to take constructive
criticism complete. Meanwhile, Kain is having a nervous breakdown due to
the way that this fic is progressing (or the way that it's not progressing,
depending on your point of view {look, the last time that any sort of plot
advance occured was a page and a half ago - since then we've just been
going on about Toys'R'Us employees! [Hey, I wonder how many digressions in
brackets we can fit into this paragraph? Answers on a postcard to...]}).
After a few weeks of therapy, Kain returns and charges into the manager's
office, where he finds Elzevir juggling dolls.<br><br>Kain: Elzevir! I have come for the soul!<br><br>Elzevir: You mean the soul of Princess R?<br><br>Kain: R? Is that the Princess's name?<br><br>Elzevir: Yep. That's why I took her soul in the first place! So then I
could have an extra R-s...<br><br>Kain: That joke is NOT going to appear in this fic! I do have a little
dignity left!<br><br>Kain is suddenly dressed in a dress made out of kippers.<br><br>Kain: Or not. Please tell me why I'm wearing fish.<br><br>I'm not really sure. Answers on a postcard to...<br><br>Elzevir: OK, this is getting weird, even for me. I'm going.<br><br>Elzevir escapes through a secret door, hidden behind a poster advertising
an upcoming joint venture between Toys'R'Us and www.seriolishop.com (this
week's special offer - buy any sword and get it imbued in the Elemental
Font of your choice!). Kain follows Elzevir.<br><br>Elzevir: How did you find my secret door?<br><br>Kain: You used it right in front of me.<br><br>Elzevir: Oh. Drat.<br><br>Kain: Dollmaker, I have no time for these games!<br><br>Elzevir: If it weren't for these games, you wouldn't exist!<br><br>Kain: Not the Legacy of Kain games! I mean these games you're playing with
me!<br><br>Elzevir: The Soul is mine! I earned it! Ottmar gave it to me!<br><br>Kain: You shall earn it...with blood!<br><br>Elzevir: Blood money? But I don't have any change!<br><br>Elzevir suddenly finds a blade impaling him through the chest.<br><br>Elzevir: Fairwell, my love. I was lucky to have made you. I may be dead,
but I invented Nosgoth's first Barbie doll...<br><br>Elzevir dies. Thamkfully, Nosgoth is spared the Barbie dolls. Kain picks up
the Soul Doll.<br><br>Kain: Strange that such a tiny thing - a shred of burlap and silk with a
single lock of hair nailed to it - could bring a kingdom to its knees.
Small things frequently have enormous consequences...<br><br>Or so you keep telling the girls.<br><br>Kain: WHAT?!?! Oh, that's it! Give me one good reason why I shouldn't kill
you right now!!<br><br>Hmmm, can't think of one. Answers on a postcard to...<br><br>Kain: AND QUIT THE DAMN POSTCARD JOKES!!!!!<br><br>Never! When will I quit the postcard jokes? Answers on a postcard to...<br><br>Kain: AAAAAAAGGGGHHH!!!<br><br>Kain throws the Soul Reaver up towards the writer. The writer quickly
increases gravity, forcing the Reaver back down, clonking Kain on the head
and knocking him out...<br><br>***<br><br>Kain wakes up, finding himself sitting in an armchair. He looks around. He
is in a room where all the walls are covered by red drapes. Nearby, there
is a small sofa where a young lady is sitting. And near that, a small man
seems to be dancing, his back to Kain. He turns around and speaks, his
voice strange, as if someone taped him speaking backwards, then reversed
the backwards speak...<br><br>Man From Another Place: Let's rock!<br><br>Kain: Huh?<br><br>Man From Another Place: I have good news. That gum you like is going to
come back in style!<br><br>Kain: Gum? I don't eat gum! I'm a Vampire! I drink blood!<br><br>MFAP: Vampire?! OK, something's wrong here...<br><br>Laura Palmer: I thought something was wrong. Special Agents don't normally
wear suits made out of fish.<br><br>Kain: What? AM I STILL WEARING THIS STUPID THING?!<br><br>Suddenly, a slick-haired man in a suit runs in.<br><br>Cooper: Sorry I'm late, I've been suffering from insomnia and I couldn't
get to sleep...hey! Who's that, and why's he in my seat?<br><br>Kain: It's another frigging crossover! I don't believe this! I'm stuck
wearing Kipper Armour whilst inserted in a scene from Twin Peaks!<br><br>MFAP: I think you've wandered into the wrong dream. Laura, get the cherry
pie.<br><br>Cooper: And some coffee!<br><br>Kain: Cherry pie? Coffee? None of this makes any sense! It's all surreal!<br><br>Laura: It's Twin Peaks. And a dream. And it's not a very well written fic.<br><br>Kain wakes up. Consequently, he disappears from the Red Room.<br><br>Cooper: OK, that kind of spoiled the mood.<br><br>MFAP: Yeah...we'll try again tommorrow night.<br><br>***<br><br>Kain wakes up, dressed in his Iron Armour again, and for some reason in
King Ottmar's chamber.  Ottmar's sorcerers had grabbed the doll, and were
restoring the Princess's soul.<br><br>Ottmar: I do not know that I can thank you enough, warrior.  My kingdom is
but a small price to pay for my daughter's life.  Willendorf is yours, if
you wish it.<br><br>Kain: 'Tis not your kingdom I desire, but your army, Ottmar.  I require
troops to vanquish the Horde that descends upon us from the North.<br><br>Ottmar: Very well.  Courtiers, fetch me my armor and mace.  There is war to
be waged!<br><br>The scene changes to a dramatic pre-battle moment. The Horde of the Nemesis
menacingly advances in the distance. Ottmar gives one final pep talk to the
Army of the Last Hope.<br><br>Ottmar: The scourge of Nosgoth is upon us, friends!  We shall die today as
heroes, lest we live tomorrow as slaves! Ready thine arms! FOR NOSGOTH!!!<br><br>The Army cheers, and the battle begins...<br><br>***5 minutes later***<br><br>Kain looks down on Ottmar, dying from a sword wound in the chest.<br><br>Kain: Great. Perfect. You couldn't last five blooming minutes, Ottmar.
You're dead, your soldiers are fleeing, and the Nemesis is still poised to
conquer Nosgoth. This whole excursion has been a pointless waste of my
time! Me and Ariel are going to have words...<br><br>Ottmar: The Nemesis and his Horde fall upon us, my friend.  I fear I can
defend Nosgoth no longer.  The Nemesis must be destroyed...for my daughter,
Kain! For the world...<br><br>Kain stabs Ottmar with the Soul Reaver.<br><br>Kain: Yeah, yeah. Now what do I do?<br><br>Kain is surrounded by a load of Horde soldiers.<br><br>Kain: At a guess, I'd say this is not a good thing.<br><br>Suddenly, the Time-Streaming Device activates, and Kain disappears.<br><br>Horde Guy 1: Yikes! What happened there?<br><br>Horde Guy B: Dunno! One moment he's there, next he's buggered off just like
that!<br><br>Another Horde Guy: Vanished! Just like the last After Eight mint...<br><br>Horde Guy Called Randolph Crandall-Twine: But where? Where did he go?<br><br>No, it's not much of a cliffhanger, as anyone who knows anything about
Legacy of Kain already knows the answer. But the question is still valid -
where did Kain go? Answers on a postcard to...<br><br>Employee: Ha! I'm back! That pelican couldn't get the best of me! I AM THE
TOYS'R'US EMPLOYEE! I AM INVINCIBLE!!! BWA HAHAHAHA...<br><br>Suddenly, a giant roll of toilet paper rolls by, crushing the employee. The
employee is never seen again. The moral of this story is that I didn't have
a clue how to end this chapter.</span>