The scene opens on a screaming Mortanius being dragged along the floor by
Vorador and Magnus.<br><br>Mortanius: NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br><br>Vorador: Oh, stop complaining. It's your own fault.<br><br>Mortanius: No it isn't!!!<br><br>Magnus: Yes it is. You must have done something to make Cat in a Hat choose
you for the watermelon bashing.<br><br>Mortanius: IT'S NOT FAIR!!! IF CRYSTARR HADN'T MADE THAT JOKE ABOUT
AUSTRALIAN ACCENTS I WOULDN'T BE HERE!!!<br><br>Vorador: Oh, shut up. Turel! Have you got the watermelon?<br><br>Suddenly, a van drives by, hitting Vorador and Magnus. The door of the van
opens, and an armoured arm reaches out and grabs Mortanius.<br><br>Mortanius: Wha..? What's happening?<br><br>Malek: Don't worry, sir! It's my duty to protect the Circle!<br><br>***10 minutes later***<br><br>Malek urges Mortanius into a thin stone tower.<br><br>Malek: In here, sir! They won't get you in here!<br><br>Mortanius gratefully runs into the tower, and Malek locks the door behind
him. In the tower, Mortanius waits in the dark. After a moment, he calls
out.<br><br>Mortanius: Malek? Where are you?<br><br>A PA system sparks into life.<br><br>Malek: Don't worry, Mortanius. I'm right here.<br><br>Mortanius: Phew! I must say, this is really good of you. Especially after
I, you know, kind of stripped you from your body and damned you to walk
Nosgoth as magically animated armour.<br><br>Malek: Aaaah, that's all in the past!<br><br>Mortanius: So, where are we?<br><br>Malek: Well, this is a place I built some years ago. To make sure it worked
properly, I kidnapped some random passer-by to test it with, then dumped
his corpse in a field. Obviously, I left some mis-clues to make sure I was
never implicated.<br><br>Mortanius: Ah...heh. So what does this place do?<br><br>Malek: Let's just say that this tower is called the &quot;Trial By Watermelon&quot;.<br><br>Mortanius: Oh! So this is an amusement park, is it?<br><br>Malek: Well, it's going to amuse me...<br><br>There is a rumbling sound.<br><br>Mortanius: What's happening?<br><br>Malek: Just gathering the watermelons.<br><br>Mortanius: Wait a sec...have you really forgiven me here, Malek?<br><br>Malek: Hehehe...I was going to get Moebius first, but you'll do quite
nicely, you flesh-robbing little bastard!<br><br>A trapdoor opens way above Mortanius, and a huge pile of watermelons starts
to drop onto him.<br><br>Mortanius: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO............!!!!!!<br><br>There is a huge chorus of messy bangs and splats. When the juice settles,
all that can be seen is a giant watermelon pile.<br><br>Malek: Heh heh heh...watermelons are good for me!<br><br>A watermelon rolls off the pile, and Mortanius slowly pokes his head out.<br><br>Mortanius: Ugh...errgh...I-I yearn f-for the s..sweet emb-b-brace of the g-
grave...<br><br>A huge watermelon falls down and smashes on Mortanius' head. The Death
Guardian is silent.<br><br>Malek: Ahhhh, so satisfying. And my anger therapist said that I wasn't
making any progress...<br><br>****************************************************************************
****<br><br>Welcome to part 11 of Blood Omen 1a - Things to do in Nosgoth when you're
dead!<br><br>Q. How do you know you're reading a chapter of Blood Omen 1a?<br><br>A. Because nothing makes any sense! Kind of like a University lecture!
(Except lectures don't have Vampires in them. Or Circle members. Or
Nosgoth, Soul Reavers, Repel spells...OK, so it was a bad comparison!)<br><br>****************************************************************************
****<br><br>Kain looks around, slightly puzzled.<br><br>Kain: (VO) At once, the battlefield was gone.  Where the ground was caked
with blood and icing (that Nemesis has a really strange sense of humour),
there was lush greenery.  Where chaos reigned only moments before, this
damning calm prevailed.  Alas, it seemed I was stranded here - the Time
Streaming Device lay in pieces at my feet, and they'd cancelled the last
train.<br><br>Kain explores the field he is in and finds a man lying there. He has been
beaten to death, his body battered with large fist-wounds the size and
shape of watermelons. In fact, he looks like he has been crushed to death
by falling watermelons, but that can't be true, because there is a sign
next to him that reads:<br><br>&quot;Despite all apparent evidence, this man was not killed while testing a
device to crush my enemies to death by dropping lots of watermelons on
them. Honest. 'M'&quot;<br><br>Kain reaches out to the corpse, and somehow reads his mind. Don't remember
picking up that spell. Oh well...In the corpse's mind, Kain sees a
gathering of villagers around a large platform. On this platform is a man
that looks a lot like the Oracle, but can't be him (and definately isn't
Moebius) because he is wearing white robes and sunglasses.<br><br>Faith Healer: Would you stand idle as vermin destroyed your crops?<br><br>Crowd: NO!<br><br>Faith Healer: As your house burned?<br><br>Crowd: NO!<br><br>Faith Healer: Will you allow this evil to continue, brothers and sisters?<br><br>Crowd: NO!<br><br>Faith Healer: Oh, will the wickedness end?<br><br>Crowd: NO! Er...we mean YES!<br><br>Faith Healer: Oh do you BELIEVE???<br><br>Crowd: TESTIFY, OH TESTIFY!!!!<br><br>Faith Healer: Then take me to your king, so that I can prepare you for the
onslaught! Oh, and please donate generously to my favourite charity, the
FFFETSP (Fund For Financing Evil Time Streamer's Plots)!<br><br>Kain snaps back to reality.<br><br>Kain: (VO) Ah, so it seemed that I was in the land of William the Just,
fifty years before the battle I had just escaped would take place. I knew
this partly because it was fifty years ago that Faith Healers roamed
Nosgoth, partly because of the positions of the clouds, but mostly because
of the sign hanging on the wall of the nearby castle stating &quot;Welcome to
the land of William the Just fifty years in the past. Sign kindly provided
by the Serioli Shoppe in Coorhagen. New offer - buy two axes and get free
membership of their Internet site soon to be created!&quot;<br><br>Kain pulls out a skateboard and starts riding towards William's castle. Yes
I know it's silly, but Kain simply won't wear the safety helmet. But then,
he is dead already, I guess.<br><br>Anyway, after beating some pretty pathetic guards, Kain breaks into
William's castle, steals the crown jewels, escapes, sells the jewels, and
lives a life of luxury for two years. Then he remembers he was going to
kill William the Just to stop him becoming the Nemesis, and sheepishly
breaks into the castle again. Fortunately, the Faith Healer and William's
conversation has been going on for two years, so Kain is still able to
overhear the last bit of it.<br><br>William: Yes, these weapons you have provided will see to that. Pray tell,
Moebius, what..?<br><br>Faith Healer (Not Moebius OR the Oracle!!!): AHEM!!!<br><br>William: Sorry, I mean the Ora...<br><br>Faith Healer (see above bracketed comment): AHEM!!!!<br><br>William: ...Faith Healer. What game do you play?<br><br>Faith Healer (I can't be bothered): Chess, your majesty. But that's not
important. Just remember - a Vampire is coming to kill you.<br><br>William: Right. Big Bad Bloodsucker. BBB. Dontcha worry, my enormous mutant
squirrel will do him in.<br><br>Faith Healer (I don't have to write this story, ya know! I could be
watching Family Guy right now!): And if not, your new weapon will certainly
do the job!<br><br>William: Yes, true. But Smokey will be more than adequate. Though come to
think of it, I haven't seen him since the crown jewels were stolen...<br><br>Kain looks smugly at the squirrel-skin shirt he is wearing under his
armour.<br><br>Faith Healer (Do you have any idea how hard it is to write &quot;Not Moebius&quot; in
different ways each time?): I'm sure he's around.<br><br>William: Yes. Well, I suppose I'd better wait in an undefended chamber with
my worst guards for the Vampire to come and undoubtably lose to this wimpy
little boy.<br><br>Faith Healer (Especially when you lot already know that it IS Moebius! Why
do I even bother?): I am sure your life is in good hands.<br><br>William: And should I want to contact you again?<br><br>Faith Healer (I really can't wait til I reveal that this is Moebius and I
can stop writing these things): I shall know, and I shall be there...in
time...<br><br>William: You mean in a taxi?<br><br>Faith Healer (I need a hug...): That too.<br><br>William: Cheerio!<br><br>William leaves. The Faith Healer (And I'm hungry too...) laughs evilly.<br><br>Faith Healer (I'm going to have supper soon): Ha! This is so easy! Almost
as easy as giving Malek the biggest screwjob he could get without paying at
one of Nosgoth's many brothels!!!<br><br>
Kain shakes his head and walks away, right into William and his thugs.<br><br>William: Ah, yes, the Vampire. Moe...the Ora...the Faith Healer told me you
would come. You can't win. I have my guards!<br><br>Kain: Yeah, well I have something you don't - the Soul Rea...!<br><br>William holds up the Soul Reaver that is native to this time frame.<br><br>Kain: ...oh.<br><br>William: You're up Crap Creek without a paddle now!<br><br>Kain: But I have something else that you don't!<br><br>William: Oh yeah? Like what?<br><br>Kain slams a boot into William's crotch.<br><br>Kain: I have a pair of testicles that AREN'T screaming in agnoy!<br><br>Kain kills Willam, and then kills the guards, except for one who hides in
the corner. As you do. Kain walks on into the next room and finds another
Time-Streaming Device.<br><br>Kain: (VO) A Time-Streaming Device. Strange. When coincidence seems too
convenient, I prefer to call it Ralph. But then, I always did have a fetish
for giving human names to intangible ideas of humanity.<br><br>Kain disappears into the future. The surviving guard couldn't help noticing
this. The reason he couldn't help noticing this is because he was
distracted by the time-travelling Vampire. No longer receiving help,
noticing this died. It has never been explained who or what noticing this
was, not why it needed help. The guard couldn't help noticing this. The
reason that he couldn't was because noticing this was already dead.<br><br>????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
???????????????????<br><br>***Writer's note***
I apologise for the breakdown of sanity and logic in this chapter. The
breakdown occured because I stopped my medication. Unfortunately, I stopped
my medication too late. The reason that it was too late was because my
medication had already killed noticing this. You see, my medication and
noticing this were both in love with the guard...<br><br>????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
???????????????????<br><br>Meanwhile, Kain reappeared in the present and ran screaming out of the
castle, before that bizzare bit of narration could catch up with him. As
soon as he ran out, he was hit in the face by the smell of Vampire blood.
(Metaphorically. You can't be actually hit in the face by a smell. Though
with the way this fic is going...)<br><br>Kain: (VO) With William dead, Mo...the O...the unidentified Faith Healer's
plans have been thwarted, the Nemesis has been prevented, and the stock
market crash...still happened, actually. Hey, I think that saving Nosgoth
from the wrath of the Nemesis is pretty good, you ungrateful bastards!<br><br>At this point, a bunch of humans run by, screaming things like &quot;Death to
all Vampires because of what that one did fifty years ago, killing poor
William who never did any harm to anyone at all!&quot;.<br><br>Kain: Why do I suddenly get the feeling that I've been had?<br><br>Kain walks into a village square, where Vorador is secured in a guillotine,
about to receive a nasty case of &quot;Head-related Detrimental Disorder&quot; (aka
Decapitation, aka getting your head lopped off, aka keeerrr...CHOP!).<br><br>Kain: Hmmm...I bet I get blamed for this...<br><br>The blade slides down. As does Vorador's head. The Executioner holds up
Vorador's head in triumph.<br><br>Vorador's Head: I'll be back when you least suspect it...Blood Omen 2...<br><br>Executioner: We are free of this unholy scourge until the next game!<br><br>Faith Healer (Watermelons): Not yet, my child. Would you be free of a
plague if only one city was cleansed?<br><br>Crowd: NO!!!!<br><br>Faith Healer (Bluuuurgh): Would you spare one wolf in a pack that has
devestated your herd?<br><br>Crowd: NO!!!<br><br>Faith Healer: Would you give someone your last Rollo?<br><br>Crowd: NNNNNNOOOOOO!!!!!<br><br>Faith Healer (Cor, lommicks!): Then let us destroy them all!<br><br>Crowd: TESTIFY!!!<br><br>Faith Healer (Buttocks): HE is the last! DESTROY HIM!!!<br><br>The crowd turns on Bert the baker and brutally tear him apart.<br><br>Faith Healer (I like cake!): Er...guys? I meant Kain. You know? The Vampire
over there?<br><br>Crowd: Oooops! Sorry Bert!<br><br>Kain: (VO) Something occured to me in that moment. That sigil on his
forehead. The Faith Healer and the Oracle were the same person. More than
that. The Oracle, the Faith Healer, were in fact....<br><br>MOEBIUS THE TIME GUARDIAN!!!!!!!<br><br>&quot;O Fortuna&quot; from &quot;Carmina Burana&quot; starts playing dramatically as Moebius
(Yes! He WAS the Oracle AND the Faith Healer! Shock!!! Horror!!!) laughs
evilly. Men gasp in horror and grasp their swords. Women hide their faces
in their hands and weep. Children cry and run to their mothers for comfort,
but don't receive any because their mothers are all too busy hiding their
faces in their hands and weeping. Shocking, isn't it? Who'd have thought
that Moebius was the Oracle all along? There weren't any clues at all!
Amazing...<br><br>Moebius: BWA HAHAHAHA!!!! I am victorious! The Vampires are all dead! The
Cricle collapses! All is mine! Nothing can possibly stop me now!!!<br><br>Kain stabs Moebius through the chest.<br><br>Moebius: Well...maybe that...<br><br>Kain: Ironic. By going back in time and altering the past, you turned
William the Just into the Nemesis.<br><br>Moebius: How's that ironic?<br><br>Kain: I'm the guy not dying, so I decide what's ironic and what isn't?<br><br>Moebius: It doesn't matter. I have seen your destiny. The future says you
die.<br><br>Kain: Well then, I'll have to create a plan involving the Soul Reaver, my
eldest child, and time travel to avoid that fate. Besides, Moebius...<br><br>Moebius: What?<br><br>Kain: I am dead...as are you...<br><br>Kain swipes his sword into Moebius' neck. It cuts to the bone, then gets
stuck.<br><br>Moebius: YEEEEEEEAAARRRGGGHH!!!!<br><br>Kain: Awww, crap....<br><br>Kain tries to pull the sword out, but it is tightly lodged in.<br><br>Moebius: NNNEEEEYYYYYUUUURRRGGGGHHH!!!!<br><br>Kain puts one foot on Moebius' chest and heaves with all his strength. The
sword flies loose...as do most of Moebius' visceral organs.<br><br>Kain: Ewww, messy. Oh well, let's take heart! One more chapter, and this
whole parody is more finished than...er...a very finished story!<br><br>Kain puts his sword over one shoulder and walks off, whistling. A few
moments pass. Kain, with a very embarrased look on his face, stalks back
and picks up Moebius' Hourglass.<br><br>Kain: It's been so long, I forgot about the whole &quot;Restore the Pillars&quot;
thing...<br><br>A few miles away, Ariel argues with her phone sales representative over her
last phone bill. I'd give you the details, but it's not relevant to the
story, or particularly interesting for that matter.</span>