On the night of a Full Moon, Kain awoke in his grave, no longer humajn, but
a Vampire!
...
Two weeks later, Kain got out of his grave. He always was one for a lie-in.
Kain: (VO) I awoke to a new existence, in a dank womb of darkness and
decay. I struggled in vain to think of something funny to say here, but
sometimes even the writer of the LOK A series runs into writer's block...
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Welcome to Blood Omen 1a - Things to do in Nosgoth when you're dead - Part
2!
In today's episode (which was delayed as a tribute to the games of LOK
having a habit of coming out later than expected...well, that and
hayfever), Kain awakes to the unlife of a Vampire and promptly goes off on
a killing spree. This is a typical reaction of a Vampire upon awakening, as
they have no money to go on a spending spree and buy some fresh clothes, so
they go on the only type of spree available. Or something. Anyway, on with
the story!
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Kain checks himself and finds various equipment. Hellfire-forged Iron
Armour, a powerful iron sword forged by the Serioli (I wonder what happened
to them? It's the only time we ever come across the name of those people.
The only trace of them left are Kain's sword and their website,
www.seriolishop.com, makers of fine weapons and armour. Temporary offer -
buy a two-handed weapon and get a free dagger!), and the ability to
teleport back to his grave, strangely enough. The ability to teleport into
a mansion, a cake shop, a classy brothel, a nice tavern, etc would surely
be more satisfying? Hmmm...
Anyway, Kain finds a bunch of various items, like vials to increase his
blood-carrying capacity, pyramids to increase his magic-carrying capacity,
and giant red thingies that let him save the game...er, I mean find
respite, or something. He kills a couple of innocent graveyard staff, whose
only crime was to try and decapitate him with a shovel. The guys who run my
local cemetary are a bunch of old men who barely ever step out of their
houses, but I guess Nosgoth's employees are somewhat more militant.
Eventually, Kain steps outside.
Kain: (VO) The world had changed to my eyes. I had not expected such
cruelty from the light. I now understood why Vampires in movies always wore
sunglasses all the time. I had foolishly believed it was a feeble attempt
to look cool. But I had spurned a chance for shades because the frames had
not matched my skin colour. Last time I listen to fashion gurus!
Kain works his way to the exit of the graveyard, which for some bizzare
reason is built like a labyrinth. Do the dead really try to escape that
often? And doesn't it make it awkward for people come to visit their dead
loved ones? Finally Kain makes it out, and runs right into the pack of
thugs that killed him. Why they were all hanging out around Kain's
graveyard is a bit strange, but we won't dwell on it as they would be the
only ones who could tell us, and they'll be dead in a sec.
Thug 1: What trickery is this?
Thug 2: I thought we killed him?
Thug 3: Didn't he have black hair and less green skin before?
Thug 4: Get him!
Kain: Ha! You may have killed me last time, but this time I have this!!!
Kain pulls out the Soul Reaver and kills three of the thugs. He goes to
kill the fourth, only to have the Reaver disappear from his hands.
Kain: Hey! I was using that!!!
You don't HAVE the reaver yet! You get that later on!
Kain: But I want it now!!!
Don't be such a crybaby!
Kain: You never let me have any fun!
Don't talk back, young Vampire, or I'll send you to your crypt!
Kain, sulking, pulls out his iron sword and butchers the last few thugs.
Kain: (VO) Their sneering faces were forever etched upon my memory. I had
crossed death for this moment. My mind was empty save for one thought - I
would kill. There is no greater release than that from vengeance sated.
With my assassins dead, my quest was over...oh, wait a sec.
Kain enters the tavern he was in at the start of the game. We hear voices.
Bartender: Wh-what are you doing?!
Kain: I told you you'd be top of my butchering list!
Bartender: NNNNOOOOOYYYAAARRRGGHGHHH!!!!!!
Kain: And Conflict is the best, so NEEER!!
Kain exits the tavern, soaked to the skin in blood, and wearing a t-shirt
singing a strange song...
Kain: (singing) I stabbed the Barkeep, but I did not stab the Tavern's
Wench...*ahem* NOW my quest is finished!
Mortanius: No it isn't.
Kain: YIKES!!! Where are you?
Mortanius: I'm not actually here. This is just my voice.
Kain: Yeah? And just how am I conviniently hearing your disembodied voice
now?
Mortanius: Well, you see, I'm...er...uh...um...I'm using...the Whisper?
Kain: You can't use that! That's a natural ability of Vampires! And it
doesn't come about until Blood Omen 2!!!!
Mortanius: OK....I'm using a microphone and PA system.
Kain: Ah, that makes sense. So, what can I do for you, bone-face?
Mortanius: It is not over, Kain. These fools were merely the instruments of
your murder.
Kain: Really? None of them looks like a trumpet.
Mortanius: Look to their masters. Look to the Pillars, and gain way to the
Fortress of the Mind.
Kain: Is that a fairground ride?
Mortanius: Oh, for...
A giant, disembodied hand picks up Kain and throws him far over the
forests. He lands at the base of the Pillars, rather hard on the steps.
Kain: Ugh...The Pillars of Nosgoth. Even in life, few monuments have hurt
me such as this. I marveled that such beauty should injure my long-dead
skin.
At that moment, the ghostly figure of a woman with half her face a rotting
skull flits about the Pillars.
Ghost: Nupraptor, your madness has shattered our dreams and blinded you...
Kain: Keep your distance, or I'll send you back to Hell, Spirit!
Ghost: Huh? Sorry, Nup, I've got company. I'll call you back.
The Ghost puts her mobile phone away and turns to face Kain.
Kain: Wait a second...I know that joke! That's exactly the same thing that
you did to Raziel in Soul Reaver 2a! Are we going to have Ariel talking on
her mobile every time we see her?
Ariel: But Nos-net gives me twenty free minutes of talk time!
Kain: Free talk time? YOU CAN TELEPATHICALLY SPEAK OVER LONG DISTANCES! ALL
THE MAIN CHARACTERS IN LEGACY OF KAIN CAN DO IT! WHY DO YOU NEED TO SAVE
MONEY ON A MOBILE PHONE?!?!
Ariel: You can't text with telepathic messages.
Kain: Can't text...? You have to be the only person in Nosgoth with a
mobile phone! Who would you talk to?!
Ariel: Nupraptor has one.
Kain: Is that true?
Ariel: As far as you know.
Kain: For all I know, you could be...I can't believe I'm here, an Undead
Vampire at the mysterious Pillars of Nosgoth, arguing with a ghost about
mobile phones with free talk time!
Ariel: Fine, I'll give you the answers you seek.
Kain: I seek only a cure.
Ariel: There is no cure for death.
Kain: No, a cure for these innane conversations I keep getting drawn into.
Ariel: Than you must destroy the sorcery that is now poisoning Nosgoth.
Only then will you realize peace. The Nine of the Protectors of Hope were
sworn to use their powers to preserve our world, exterminate Vampires (no
offence) and throw the best parties in Nosgoth. Now these pillars have been
corrupted by a traitor, and the parties have been reduced to paper-hat and
balloon affairs. My murder at the hands of the traitor drove my love
Nupraptor mad...well, madder. He always was a bit too attracted to the
wrong half of my face... Now he spreads misery and pain among the Circle,
crumbling the very foundation of Nosgoth, and spoilng the taste of almost
every make of ice cream that exists. You must restore balance. You must
right the Pillars of Nosgoth. And if possible, try and find my battery
charger. This phone keeps cutting out.
Kain: I care not for the fate of this world, or your phone.
Ariel: Then for yourself Kain. Beware the Unspoken...
Ariel fades away. Kain waits for a few seconds.
Kain: Hello? Hey! HEY!! WHAT THE HELL IS THE UNSPOKEN?! Stupid ghost. Well,
sod her. I'm not moving from this spot until someone tells me what the
Unspoken is!
Time passes...
Kain: Don't care. Not moving!
More ti...
Kain: I said I don't care!
Don't interrupt me!
Kain: Leave me alone!
Right! I warned you! Get back to your crypt, and no supper for you tonight!
Kain: Aww, that is so unfair! I HATE YOU!!!
Kevin, er, I mean Kain storms back into his grave, slamming the lid. *sigh*
I bet he hasn't hoovered his grave either...
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