Two figures are sitting on a boulder. One is dressed in red and black iron armour, has flowing white hair and a dark, evil voice. The other has wild hair, a striped suit, and an insane voice. Both have something in common - they are both dead.

Kain: So Nupraptor, with his blind act of vengeance, threatens to destroy all of Nosgoth.

Beetlejuice: That sucks. Hang on a sec...

Beetlejuice scoops up some worms and shoves them in his pocket.

Beetlejuice: Save those for later! Anyway, so you've got to off this guy to save Nosgoth, eh? Well, you called the right ghost for the job! I'll bio- exorcise him into nothing!

Kain: Er...we need his head.

Beetlejuice: Why? It won't be much use once we're through with him!

Kain: Something about returning the Pillar of the Mind to its healthy state.

Beetlejuice: Right. Why not just use cement?

Kain: The DIY shop's closed for the bank holiday.

Beetlejuice: It's the bank holiday? Why the hell am I working then? Hey buddy, can you send me back to the Neitherworld? I'm going back to bed.

Kain: Sure. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.

Beetlejuice vanishes. Kain gets up.

Kain: (VO) I envied my newly-found friend. If only I could get the bank holiday off. But the Sarafan had wiped out the VUWU (Vampire and Undead Work Union) leaders in their crusade hundreds of years before. Perhaps once I'd restored the Pillars I should resurrect the Union. Or better yet resurrect the Union's members and let them do the work for me...

**************************************************************************** ** Welcome to chapter 3 of Blood Omen 1a - Things to do in Nosgoth when you're dead!

In this episode, Kain hunts Nupraptor, goes through some backwater towns, other strange and useless trials, and generally doesn't have much fun. On the plus side, though, he gets to slaughter innocent people and drink their blood, and that's pretty much the definition of fun, isn't it? Well, it is if you're a Nosgothian Vampire, so there!!! **************************************************************************** **

We'll skip the parts where Kain enters dungeons to gain more powers and stuff, because frankly, while the new abilities might be important, nothing much happens except for fighting and flicking switches, and it's hard to pardoy stuff like that. I mean, imagine this:

Kain enters an old building. He saves the game. He fights some guys. He fights some zombies. He flicks a switch that opens a door. He fights more guys. He finds a power-up that gives him a new ability. He solves a puzzle with his new ability. He fights a few more guys. He saves the game again. He leaves the building.

OK, now let's try and make that funny:

Kain enters an old building that really has no obvious relevance to his quest. I mean, if it were starting to rain, fine, he'd have to get out of the way of the water. But it isn't raining! Kain's supposed to be dead-set on fulfilling his quest, so why'd he just think "Hmm, I'll explore this old building. Who knows, I might find a new power that'll help me in my quest." Of course, the amount of times that he actually does find a new power in old buildings, it seems that every structure in Nosgoth has a Spirit Wrack spell, a Mist Form or an Implode weapon hidden in it. Makes you wonder how any quests in Nosgoth ever get fulfilled, seeing as the adventurer must spend his entire life going into random buildings to find power ups. So, anyway, Kain goes in and slaughters the guardians of whatever power the building hides. Is it just me, or would the guardians stand a better chance if one of them picked up the power-up before Kain got to it? Kain'd have a much harder time if the knife-thrower picked up the Repel spell first. Hmm...

Anyway, we'll just assume that Kain gets various abilities that may or may not make it into this story, depending on if they fit the mood. OK, some of them may fit a comedy, like using Control Mind to get King Ottmar to forget about his daughter's coma and do a striptease in front of his shocked soldiers. But how much fun can you really have with a Light spell? Kain sneaks into a brothel and activates Light right in the middle of a client's encounter, only to have the client discover that (insert your own unexpected and deviant situation here, depending on just how truly sick your mind is. Perverts!!! What's wrong with you?! Here I am, trying to right a serious parody, and look at the things you're imagining here! And on a related note, there'll probably be no more chapters of Blood Omen 1a because I've just insulted anyone who reads this one. It's not good practice to insult all of your readers. Especially when you're the one being sick minded, and your readers are sweet, lovely, innocent...er...come to think of it, would sweet, innocent people be fans of the Legacy of Kain series? It's not exactly Disney, is it? Kain would tear Mickey Mouse into little bloody pieces just to stop that annoying voice. And then he'd permanently cure Donald Duck's larynx problems with a Flay taken internally...)

Kain: I've been waiting for three hours down here! Are you going to quit your little digression and continue the story? At this rate, the Sarafan Lord's going to be marching around by the time I get to Vasserbunde!

Er, fine. So, Kain marches off, taking a detour through Nachtholm, where nothing interesting happens, and then Steinchencroe.

Kain: (VO) The village of Steinchencroe bore with it the infamous aroma of its inhabitants, who legend has it were cursed by Moebius to have their blood replaced by sewer water. When asked about his reason for cursing the city, Moebius gave a suprisingly good reason - he'd been drinking for seven hours, and during the following stagger around Nosgoth he'd come across a good reason to curse Steinchencroe. He just couldn't remember what it was. Further questions resulted in the horrible deaths of the Nosgoth Journal's reporters. The moral of this story is to never bother a Time-Streamer with a hangover. Although sometimes it's unavoidable.

Kain wanders through the town and encounters a rambling madman, whose name may be Irmok the Mad. Or not. But we'll call him that anyway.

Irmok: The bastards in Steinchencroe shun me as Nosgoth shuns them! I know what it means to be an outsider, vampire. I fear you not, but remember this - there are others who will speak to you, so long as you know how to look!

Kain: So, they call you Irmok the Mad because you ramble insanely, yet occasionally your madness reveals a greater truth?

Irmok: No. t's my real name. Irmok the Mad. It says so on my birth certificate.

Kain: That's your real name?! But...how? Why?

Irmok: Well, the truth is I'm not from Nosgoth. I'm an alien from a distant planet. It was called the Planet Where People Have Long Descriptions of Themselves Instead of Surnames. I was called Irmok the Normal Guy With a Slight Case of BO. I was ashamed of my odour problem, so I went to see Bert the Mad Scientist That'll One Day Be the Death of This Planet. He created a possible cure for me, but it failed and destroyed the planet. I was the only survivor. In shame, I had my name legally changed to Irmok the Mad, a short description, which was the ultimate punishment on my home planet. What's more, my BO was still not cured, which is why I live in Steinchencroe.

Kain: Is this true?

Irmok: No, not really. I really am mad.

Kain: I'm actually relieved.

Kain wanders off and eventually arrives in Vasserbunde. He stops to chat with and eat peasants, then strolls off to Nupraptor's retreat.

Kain: (VO) The wind carried screams from the west. But I passed this brothel and carried on to Nupraptor's Retreat. Screams were also coming from here. I smiled - someone in this world was suffering more than I. Probably Raziel encountering another Block Puzzle.

Kain waltzes passes the guards, who are to stunned to see a dancing Vampire to offer any resistance. He enters the Retreat.

Kain: Nupraptor was renowned through Nosgoth for his mind tricks, telepathy, telekinesis, and collection of antique bottles. I sought not his wisdom, but his life. And possibly the PIN for his bank account.

Nupraptor: You dare intrude upon my sanctuary?

Kain: The PA system again...no, Nupraptor. I'm intruding upon your Retreat. Totally different.

Nupraptor: Can I not mourn in peace?

Kain: Nope. But look on the bright side - they have great BBQs in Hell!

So, Kain wanders through the Retreat. He encounters a serving girl, listens to her, then kills her.

Kain: (VO) Wounds such as hers would never heal. Death would only be a mercy.

Girl: But it's only a paper cut!

Kain: No, it's a grevious wound that's left your mind traumatised. Death is the merciful option.

Girl: I was reading the newspaper!

Kain: Yes...a very violent article that destroyed your sanity.

Girl: It was the cartoon page!

Kain: Er...death would only be a mercy!

Kain kills the girl and drinks her blood before she can argue.

So, Kain walks through the fortress which, like all buildings in Nosgoth, is a few hundred times larger on the inside than it looks on the outside. Dr Who and the other Time Lords actually got the blueprints for their TARDISes from a Nosgoth architect. That's a little known fact.

Eventually, Kain finds Nupraptor, who is playing cards with Malek.

Nupraptor: Ha! Blue Eyes White Dragon! I win!

Malek: Git! I'm not going to defend you against Kain now.

Malek disappears. Nupraptor turns to Kain.

Nupraptor: Ah, Kain. Care to play a Shadow Game? I'll wager my Millenium Head on it!

Kain: We did a Yu-Gi-Oh joke in Chapter 1.

Nupraptor: Yeah, but the writer really likes Yu-Gi-Oh.

Kain: Isn't this parody going to have anything original in it? And what about the readers who haven't seen or played Yu-Gi-Oh? They're not going to understand this scene!

Nupraptor: I play...La Jinn the Mystic Genie! And one card face down!

La Jinn manifests in attack mode. Kain groans.

Kain: Fine...Succubus Knight in attack mode.

Nupraptor: Ha! Your Succubus Knight walks right into my Spellbinding Circle trap!

The Succubus Knight is weakened by the Spellbinding Circle, then destroyed by La Jinn.

Kain: Right, right. Er...aww crap, just one card. Right, Petite Angel in defence.

Nupraptor bursts out laughing.

Nupraptor: Petite Angel? You have THAT in your deck? "Oh, look at me, I'm big bad Kain, I have a cute orange blob with wings, I want my mummy!"

Kain: And I power up the Petite Angel with Sword Thrust of the Heart!

Nupraptor: What? I've never heard of that card!

Kain: Here, let me show you how it works.

Kain thrusts his sword in Nupraptor's chest. Nupraptor looks really suprised, and then dies. Kain lops off his head.

Kain: (shouting) And let that be a lesson to the rest of you Guardians! No more cheap ripping off of other series! Now, let's see...awww, man, do I have to?

Yes.

Kain: Fine.

Kain holds up Nupraptor's head.

Kain: Alas, poor Nupraptor, I knew him well. Well, not really. That sounds much better when no one's expecting it!

Kain wanders off. And the chapter ends abruptly, because the writer wants to cook something to eat. Sometimes, honesty is the best policy. Except in anything to do with work or education. This has nothing to do with the story, but it's distracting you all while I run off to the kitchen!