Voice: Welcome to the HNN - Hylden News Network. Tonight's newsreader is the Elder God.

The scene opens on the Elder God, dressed in a tuxedo. He...yes, I know that it's hard to visualise a gigantic squid-octopus mutation wearing a tuxedo, but give it a try. I mean, this is a fan fiction story, not an actual newscast or even a real FMV. Jusrt suspend your disbelief, for crying out loud!

Elder God: Tonight's top story - maniac corrupts the collective sanity of society with nonsensical stories based on cult video game series. The stories, cunningly disguised as harmless parodies, use cunning tactics of irrelevant scenes, shameless plagerisation, boring rants and deadly block puzzles to slowly but surely wear away at the mind of the reader. Authorities have released the following picture of the writer...

A picture appears. Imagine an agonisingly handsome and sexy man. If you're a man, you want to be him, and if you're a girl, you just want him. He is the ultimate man, gorgeous, strong, and pure perfection. Got it? Well, the picture looks absolutely nothing like me, but this is MY story, and I'll look good if I want to here! You can suspend your disbelief long enough to see Squid-face in a tuxedo, you'll damn well suspend it enough to see me as not ugly, ALRIGHT?!?!?!

Meanwhile, as all this ranting is going on, the EG is passed a piece of paper.

Elder God: Excuse me, it seems that we have just gotten word of this madman's latest scheme to destroy the minds of...oh no. Oh dear god! Citizens, I urge you! Don't read the story! It's...too horrible! I...I have to go...

The Elder God runs screaming from the newsroom. Gee, I didn't think that the idea was THAT bad...

**************************************************************************** ***** Welcome to Chapter 6 of Blood Omen 1a - Things to do in Nosgoth when you're Dead!

In todays chapter, we see, for the first time...Blood Omen - The Musical!!! **************************************************************************** *****

Kain is walking through the Termogent Forest, avoiding the wet patches of the swamp. For no real reason, he starts to sing.

Kain: (sings) I....am...I am Kain! The Vampire! Seeking a cure from Hell's deep fire! Know me, know me, I am Kain! Defeating my enemies with broadsword plain! Swords of fire, axes, mace, Will deliver me to Vorador's place... Vorador's place... Oh.... But why, dear Vorador, why would you choose To live in this place where life you could lose? So much cursed water, at just every turn. You know if it touches you, your flesh it shall burn! Why, Vorador, why...?

Kain enters the mansion. It is a rich place, filled with...er...riches. He is quickly attacked by the Brides of Vorador.

Kain: (sings) Such charms! Such beauty! Such a beautiful sight! But no less the deadly, with their oh-so-cruel bite! But sentient no longer, just mere slaves To Vorador's whim, til the end of their days!

Kain wanders through the mansion until he comes across Vorador, waiting in his dining room.

Kain: (singing) Deep in the bowels of the forest so black, I found a true nightmare that certain did lack Any sign of even the smallest clue Of humanity's influence in this dank and dark room. Could this be what lies in wait for my damned soul? Will I become him, hearts dark as black coal?

Vorador: Why in the hells are you singing? It's not often I see one of our own, and they generally don't go around singing a lot! Here, drink up. Maybe that'll shut you up. Indulge your gift!

Kain: (VO, singing) He thought this curse a divine gift, a fortunate fluke on fate's random drift. And somewhere deep down, I did understand That Vorador was right - we should own this land! Do mortals not offer us their so-sweet blood While we left bodies to rot in the dust and the mud? Are their dreams nought but pathetic small prayers? For us to show power and make some of it theirs? An inter...

Vorador: Shut up and listen to me, kid! Do you want to know how to defeat Malek or don't you?

Kain: (singing) Oh, indeed, how I...

Vorador pulls out a cross bow with a flaming bolt and points it at Kain's heart.

Vorador: Any more singing and I'll have a bar-b-q right here!

Kain: *eep* I'll be good!

Vorador: Ah, now, about Malek...

The scene fades into a flashback...

Screams are heard and flames are felt as Vampire after Vampire is put to death. The Sarafan laugh at the slaughter of their enemies, revelling in their genocidal war. The scene ripples, and we are looking at it through the scrying pool of the Circle of Nine, who watch in satisfaction as the undead are sent to the great beyond. As the carnage continues, one of the Circle turns to another, a look of concern on his face.

Guardian 1: My friend, did you hear that?

Guardian 2: Hear what?

Guardian 1: I thought I heard a weird voice, going on about aeons, words, blood, and stuff.

Guardian 2: Actually, no you didn't. See, this is Vorador's flashback of memories, and it doesn't have the whole "initiation of a new aeon" bit in it. So really, you didn't hear anything.

Guardian 1: Geez, does that mean we have to go through all that stuff before we reach any new footage?

Guardian 2: Yeah, spin on!

Fast forward special effects...

Vorador: ...this story and Soul reaver 2a! Heh heh...

Vorador dissapates into mist. A moment later, Malek runs into the room.

Malek: Stupid Moebius, still don't see why he needed me to guard the stupid Reaver if he just gives it to that weird...whoa!!! There must have been one hell of a party in here! Everyone's drunken themselves into a stupor! Hey wait a sec, don't people normally have skin? Or chests? Or heads? Don't..?

Vorador appears behind Malek and slams him over the head with the hilt of his sword.

Malek: Ow! Hey, I thought it was a mallet earlier?

Vorador: I'm spicing up the tale.

Malek: Grrr...hey! Aren't I supposed to be cursed by Mortanius now?

Vorador: Not yet.

Vorador and Malek start fighting. Malek blocks Vorador's thrust and pokes him in the eye. Vorador staggers back, and Malek slams the hilt of his polearm into the Vampire's face. Another blow follows, this time to the abdomen, and Vorador slumps to his knee. Malek laughs, raises his weapon to behead Vorador...and Vorador punches him in the crotch! Malek makes a groaning sound, and Vorador rolls to his corner to tag in Umah!

Malek: Urrgh...huh? What's SHE doing here?!

Umah: An Evenflow DDT!

Umah carries out her threat, slamming Malek's head into the concrete. She gestures to the crowd for her finisher, the Betrayel in Meridian, but as she goes for it, Malek counters with a hurricarana! He staggers up, goes to his corner, goes to tag Moebius...but Moebius grabs Malek's head and snaps it on the ropes! Moebius runs away laughing, drawing many boos from the crowd. Malek staggers around and gets slammed in the head by Umah with a steel folding chair. Vorador runs in and pins Malek with a foot on the ropes - 1..2..3!

Ring Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, the winners of the match, and NEW Nosgothian Tag Team Champions...UMAH AND VORADOR!!!

Kain: Er, excuse me?

The flashback abruptly ends, and the scene returns to Kain and Vorador in Vorador's mansion.

Kain: What the hell was that?

Vorador: How I beat Malek. Why?

Kain: You what?! That sounded like a rip-off of the WWF!

Vorador: It's WWE now.

Kain: Who cares? I quit watching it when they got rid of all the Vampires and Demons. They were the only good things about it!

Vorador: True...

Kain: (sings) Oh Vorador, your account of the battle...

Vorador: Awww no, not again! Look, if you stop singing, I'll give you this ring!

Kain: Cool, a valuable ring...hey, wait a sec! This is a bunch of teeth glued together with blod! This is worthless!

Vorador: Ah, but if you need me, this ring will summon me. Use only in dire peril.

Kain: Like if I run into several members of the Circle along with Malek and need you to take Malek down while kick the collective ass of the rest of them?

Vorador: Try to at least wait a night or two before using that ring, Kain. Now begone!

Kain walks through a door with a green neon exit sign. It leads him out of the mansion, on the other side of the forest. Nice short cut!

Kain: (sings) And so, I left, a vision before my eyes... Of what I am becoming as my humanity dies... But not all the news is bad, For here in my hand, The key to summoning an ally in this land... So I journey...

A brick flies from out of the distance and smashes Kain on the back of the head, dropping him face first in the mud.

Vorador: And stop singing!!!!!

Kain: Everyone's a critic...