The scene opens on a random bunch of people dragging a screaming Kain
through some corridors.<br><br>Kain: NOOOOOO! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, HAVE PITY ON ME!!!<br><br>Guy: Oh quit complaining. Even Vorador wasn't this bad!<br><br>Kain: YOU CAN'T MAKE ME DO THIS!!!!<br><br>Guy: Actually we can. You're doing this, like it or not.<br><br>The guy throws Kain into a set that we can't quite see, and we hear Kain's
tortured screams...<br><br>*********************************************************************
<br>Welcome to Blood Omen 1a - Things to do in Nosgoth when you're Dead, part
7!<br><br>Following the success of the Musical last time, we're bringing you the next
evolution of Kain entertainment. So please enjoy...Legacy of Kain - the
Sitcom!
*********************************************************************<br><br>***Opening credits (to the tune of that Lovematic Grandpa thing the impsons
once did)***<br><br>Credit singers: While walking through Ziegsturhl, a noble passed away,
He found himself in Hell, but returned another day,
Now he's the Vengeful Vampire!
The Vengeful Vampire!
He'll fill his veins with blood...<br><br>The scene opens on Kain walking along a grassy path. He pulls out a sword
and kills a random passer-by.<br><br>Kain: VAE VICTUS!<br><br>While yelling his battle cry, Kain slips on a loose piece of mud and lands
on his butt. His sword lands on his head in a comical fashion.<br><br>***canned laughter***<br><br>Kain: Grr...I can't believe this...<br><br>Kain gets up and walks on. After a while, he comes across a sign post.<br><br>Kain: In my travels, I learned much about the legend of Janos Audron.
Here, in this quaint pastoral village of Uschtenheim, that dark enemy was
born.  Janos preyed upon its peasants until he was finally hunted down and
executed. Hmmm, sounds like a welcoming place. I'm sure that they'll
welcome a passing Vampire with open arms.<br><br>Kain walks into the village.<br><br>***5 minutes later***<br><br>Kain runs out of the village with an arrow in his hair and a dagger
embedded in his armour. A load of villagers chase him, armed with torches
and farming equipment.<br><br>***canned laughter***<br><br>Kain: How'd they get a Vampire-hunting party gathered so damn fast?!<br><br>The villagers chase Kain into a dead end. The poor Vampire presses against
the wall in terror. The evil villagers approach...<br><br>Kain: I only have one chance!<br><br>Kain pulls out a pair of dice and throws them to the ground.<br><br>Kain: JUMANJI!<br><br>A huge robot suddenly appears. As the villagers stare at it, Kain quickly
runs off.<br><br>Robot: Hi, I'm Jumanji the robot, and I need to eat humans to stay alive.<br><br>Villager: Really? When the Vampire yelled &quot;Jumanji&quot;, I thought he was going
to suck us all into a board game that had been giving him bizzare clues for
the last few days.<br><br>Jumanji: That's not very realistic now, is it?<br><br>***canned laughter***<br><br>Meanwhile, Kain runs until Mortanius uses his PA system to communicate with
him.<br><br>Mortanius: A triad congregates at the roof of the world, Kain.<br><br>Kain: The roof of the world? You mean the sky? It's not much of a roof...<br><br>Mortanius: A plot to twist the land, to shape the world.<br><br>Kain: I mean, roofs are there to keep it from raining on you, and the sky
is where rain comes from...<br><br>Mortanius: North is where your vengeance lies.<br><br>Kain: It's just not very rooflike, that's all I'm saying.<br><br>Mortanius: Will you just get your ass to Dark Eden?<br><br>Kain: Dark Eden? Well why didn't you say so?<br><br>***canned laughter***<br><br>Mortanius: I hate that canned laughter.<br><br>Kain goes to Dark Eden.<br><br>***canned laughter***<br><br>Kain: This audience would be really easy to please if it really existed.<br><br>***canned laughter***<br><br>Kain: Shut up!<br><br>As Kain walks, the land becomes more twisted, the monsters
more...er...monsterous, and the price of hot dogs here is simply
outrageous!<br><br>Kain: If it could be said that a land descended into madness, it wouldn't
be an accurate description of Dark Eden. It wasn't restrained on its bed in
the local mental hospital, it wasn't wearing a straitjacket, and it wasn't
wandering down the streets proclaiming that the world was coming to an end
or something. Magic seethed and shifted. I watched the dome of energy as it
expanded, absorbing and recreating, consuming life and leaving behind only
a twisted parody....uh-oh...<br><br>The energy passes through the shell...and remains unchanged.<br><br>Kain: HEY!!!! What, I'm not good enough for you to warp? Are you saying
that I'm already too twisted to make worse?! You yellow-bellied coward of
an energy dome! Get back here and warp me, you red glowing bitch!!!<br><br>***canned laughter***<br><br>And so, Kain makes his way to the big tower that is spewing forth the
energy...<br><br>Kain: Hmmph. Not much of a tower. It's only about ten times the size of me!
I'll bet there's barely enough room for a TV in there...<br><br>Kain enters the tower. Inside, it is many, many, many times bigger.<br><br>Kain: Grrr...I never get used to that TARDIS technology!<br><br>***canned laughter***<br><br>Kain: Or that.<br><br>A while later after some dull fight scenes, Kain meets the three Circle
members that are at the heart of this plot - DeJoule, Bane and Anacrothe.<br><br>Kain: Ah, not one but three. DeJoule the...well, you already know their
names, and I'm too lazy to recite them all.<br><br>Bane: Ah, so the Scourge of the Circle has arrived...<br><br>Kain: Scourge? You know, I've only actually killed one Circle member.
That's not really a Scourge, is it? OK, maybe if I kill the three of you,
then you can call me that. But a better name would be &quot;Guy who killed one
Circle member&quot;.<br><br>***canned laughter***<br><br>DeJoule: Fear him not, Bane...<br><br>Bane: I'm not afraid! Who said I was afraid?<br><br>DeJoule: What I meant was...<br><br>Bane: Are you calling me a coward?<br><br>DeJoule: No, I just...<br><br>Bane: RIGHT! That's it! I've had it with you! You're always insulting me!<br><br>DeJoule: No I'm not! That was my first line...<br><br>Bane: And you used it to question my bravery! I'll kill you!<br><br>Bane swipes at DeJoule, but misses and runs head-first into the wall.<br><br>DeJoule: Now that's what I call using your head!<br><br>***canned laughter***<br><br>Kain: That joke rates laughter?! That was the worst joke I've ever heard!
Who in their right mind would laugh at that?!<br><br>There is silence...<br><br>Anacrothe: Well, sod this. I'm bored. Malek! You deal with this!<br><br>Anacrothe disappears. Malek appears in his place.<br><br>Malek: Awww, but I'd almost beaten Shao Kahn with Johnny Cage!<br><br>***canned laughter***<br><br>Kain: Cowardly little git! Get back here!<br><br>Bane: I AM NOT A COWARD!!!!!!<br><br>Kain: Not you. Anacrothe.<br><br>DeJoule: Ha! We outnumber you three to one! You're dead!<br><br>Kain: Ah, but I have a secret ally!<br><br>Malek: Oh yeah? Who?<br><br>Kain flashes his ring in the air. Vorador appears.<br><br>Vorador: Yo!<br><br>***wild canned cheers and applause that lasts for about three minutes***<br><br>Vorador: Geez, Kain. I only gave you that ring three hours ago. How the
hell did you get in that much trouble so quickly?<br><br>Kain: The writer hates me.<br><br>Raziel: No he doesn't. If he did, you'd be faced with loads of block
puzzles! No, if you'll excuse me, I've got things to do.<br><br>Raziel leaves.<br><br>Kain: He seems to appear a lot for someone who died hundreds of years ago
and won't be brought back for hundreds of years!<br><br>Vorador: Don't think about it, Kain. Think about the good things in your
life instead.<br><br>Kain bursts into tears.<br><br>***canned laughter***<br><br>Malek: Uh, can I say something?<br><br>Vorador: Sure, why not?<br><br>Malek: Vengeance!  Vengeance for my eternity of suffering!<br><br>Vorador: Whelp!  As if you knew what eternity was!<br><br>Malek: Infinite time. Forever. Never ending.<br><br>Vorador: Shut up and grovel before your true master!<br><br>Malek: Never!  I'll hack you from crotch to gizzard and feed what's left of
you to your brides!<br><br>Vorador: They won't eat me. They're vegetarians.<br><br>Malek: Vegetarian Vampires?! That makes no sense!<br><br>Vorador: That's why it fits so well with this story.<br><br>Malek: Enough of this! DIE!<br><br>Vorador pulls out a small device with a button. He presses the button, and
Malek is crushed to bits by a gigantic boot.<br><br>Vorador: Guess he had a pressing engagement.<br><br>***canned laughter***<br><br>Kain: I swear, one more bad pun...BANE!!! Where the hell do you think
you're going?!<br><br>Bane: Nowhere! I'm not running away!<br><br>DeJoule: I am!<br><br>Kain: Get back here!<br><br>Kain chases the Circle members out into a courtyard. After a quick fight,
he kills the pair, returns to the tower, grabs Malek's mashed helmet, then
turns into a bat and flies off to the Pillars.<br><br>Vorador: How about a thank you? I have feelings too!<br><br>***canned laughter***<br><br>Back at the Pillars, Kain uses the artifacts to heal the Pillars of
Conflict, Energy and Nature. Ariel is, suprise suprise, talking on her
mobile. She puts it away to speak to Kain.<br><br>Ariel: Well, Kain, first Nupraptor's head, and now Malek's helmet? Looks
like you know how to get ahead in this game!<br><br>***canned laughter***<br><br>Kain: Grrrr...<br><br>Ariel: Now you must seek Azimuth the Planar at the heart of Avernus. Three
instruments await you, to aid you in your quest, but first you must rise
and you must fall and find your salvation in between. Kind of like an
intern at the White House...<br><br>***several 'oooh's and canned laughs at that cheeky joke***<br><br>Kain: Wait a sec...the laughter seems louder over here....<br><br>Kain pulls up a slab in the base of the Pillars. He finds Dumah and Faustus
in a small alcove underneath with the laughter machine used to make all the
canned laughter. There is a moment's embarassed silence. Dumah presses a
button.<br><br>***canned laughter***<br><br>Kain: It was YOU all the time!<br><br>Faustus: Er, we can explain...<br><br>Kain: I know why you're here! You're the two pretty boys that all the
fangirls go after! I'll bet the writer put you in just as a nod to Morning
and Syvia's Fluff fic!<br><br>Dumah: Er, I think they call her Anamae here...<br><br>Kain: I don't care! Not get back to your proper games!!!<br><br>Kain picks both Vampires up by the throat, boots Faustus into Blood Omen 2,
and then throws Dumah into Soul Reaver 1. He then smashes the machine with
his sword.<br><br>Kain: If anyone wants me, I'll be at Avernus!<br><br>Kain stomps on a piece of masonry. From the distance, a rope shoots out,
grabs Kain by the wrist, and pulls him over the horizon at breakneck speed.<br><br>Ariel: That boy has serious problems.<br><br>***credits don't roll, as the machine Dumah and Faustus were using is in
more pieces than Raziel after a few hundred years in the lake of the
dead...***</span>