We rejoin Kain as he exits a big cave that led to the Lightning spell.
After spending a few days dramatically reducing the monster population of
Dark Eden with it, he prepares to go to Avernus.<br><br>Kain: I hope Azimuth kept the home fire burning for me!<br><br>Irmok: Yeah, especially since you said you were going straight to Avernus
from the Pillars!<br><br>Kain turns to see Irmok the Mad.<br><br>Irmok: I mean, why in the world would you go back to Dark Eden if you
wanted to go to Avernus? On the off chance you'd get a kick-ass Lightning
spell?<br><br>Kain: What are you doing here?<br><br>Irmok: Popular demand.<br><br>Kain: How do you figure that?<br><br>Irmok points to behind Kain. Kain sees a huge crowd wearing Irmok t-shirts,
holding up signs saying things like &quot;We Love Irmok&quot;, &quot;Irmok for President&quot;
and &quot;Irmok for King as we don't have Presidents in Nosgoth&quot;, and even a
giant Irmok doll.<br><br>Kain: Grrr. And what merchandise do I have? A toy based on the SR1 me that
is damn-near impossible to get hold of! I want a Kain t-shirt! &quot;Vote Kain -
He'll kill you if you don't!&quot;<br><br>Irmok: I think the ink costs are too high for your t-shirt.<br><br>Kain: That makes no sense. But then, you are mad. I mean, you think
Steichencroe is a good place to live!<br><br>Irmok: No I don't. I hate it.<br><br>Kain: Then why don't you live somewhere else?<br><br>Irmok: I can never leave that town...<br><br>Kain: Yes you can. You're not in it now, are you? You're on the outskirts
of Dark Eden talking to me!<br><br>Irmok: No I'm not.<br><br>Kain: Yes you are.<br><br>Irmok: Not!<br><br>Kain: YES YOU ARE!<br><br>Irmok: Nope!<br><br>Kain: YOU DAMN WELL...oh, the hell with it. I'm out of here.<br><br>Kain gets on his motorcycle and starts driving away. After a few miles, he
shakes his hair free in the wind, marvelling at the feel of riding a device
that doesn't exist in his world. No sooner has he thought this than the
bike disappears, leaving him in a sitting position flying through the air.<br><br>Kain: Oh crap. Still, at least things can't get any worse...<br><br>Kain lands softly in a large wagon full of bedding.<br><br>Kain: Ha! I did the &quot;Can't get any worse&quot; line, and I'm fine! I am
invincible!<br><br>At that moment, the cart blows up. Kain runs around with an arm on fire
before plunging it into a lake. He sighs in relief for a moment, then
screams as he remembers that water burns the skin of a Vampire. Kain runs
off into the distance. The moral of the story is not to tempt fate, because
not only does fate hold all the cards, it holds the rulebook, the spare
deck, and it cheats.<br><br>****************************************************************************
**<br><br>Welcome to part 8 of Blood Omen 1a - Things to do in Nosgoth when you're
Dead!<br><br>In this chapter, we see pretty much the sort of thing that we've seen in
all the other chapters, except that this one is based in Avernus. And this
is the only part that is eighth in the series. Well, apart from part 5, but
that's only because I can't count.<br><br>****************************************************************************
**<br><br>Kain stands on a clifftop, looking down at a burning Avernus.<br><br>Kain: (VO) Avernus consumed itself before my eyes.<br><br>A giant mouth appears in the ground in the east part of the city and eats a
load of buildings.<br><br>Kain: Hmmm...I think I'll avoid that part of town.<br><br>Irmok: Here, if you're wondering where to visit, I'll sell you the Nosgoth
A-Z.<br><br>Kain: You again? What now?<br><br>Irmok: Just thought it might help you. You'd have made much faster progress
if you'd had it before. It lists everything. Malek's Bastion, the Pillars,
Dark Eden, Moebius' Cave...<br><br>Kain: Who?<br><br>Irmok: Moebius! You know, the Time-Stre...<br><br>AHEM!!!!!<br><br>Irmok: What? Oh...er...um...did I say Moebius? I meant the Oracle! Silly
me! Of course, the Oracle, and not the Guardian of the Pillar of Time at
all...<br><br>Kain shakes his head and boots Irmok over the horizon. He then marches on
into Avernus. No sooner has he entered the town, drunk the blood of a few
townspeople, wandered through some sewers and done some shopping at the
grocer's, than a grey, lightning shooting demon attacks him! The demon
shoots several lightning bolts, all of which Kain dodges with ease, making
it look like a scene from Dragonball Z.<br><br>Kain: KA...ME...HA...ME...HA!!!!!!!<br><br>A giant ball of light shoots from Kain's hands. However, the writer thinks
that the story has gotten a little too much like DBZ, so the Kame Hame Ha
wave merely blows up the local opticians.<br><br>Demon: Ha ha!!!<br><br>The demon shoots more lightning bolts, but Kain uses the Repel spell to
block them.<br><br>Kain: (with stupid fake Australian accent) Call that a lightning bolt? THIS
is a lightning bolt!<br><br>Kain uses the Lightning spell to kill the demon, as well as all other
life/death/other fromes within a half mile radius.<br><br>Kain: I love this spell!<br><br>Kain goes on, and is attacked by a green demon that breathes poison. Repel
spell and Flame Sword kills the demon.<br><br>Kain goes on, and is attacked by a red demon that throws fireballs. Repel
spell and a few implodes kill the demon.<br><br>Kain goes on, and is attacked by a black demon that is very hard (and not
supposed to be in BO1). Repel spell and Pentalich of Tarot kills the demon.
Starting to see a pattern here?<br><br>Kain: The Repel spell. Never leave the crypt without it!<br><br>Because the writer is getting bored, Kain is suddenly dropped into a scene
full of demons of every size, colour, gender, sexual preference and
politcal affiliation.<br><br>Kain: Eeeep...<br><br>Demon: Get him!<br><br>Kain looks doomed. He activates the Repel spell, but there are too many
demons for him to kill before it fades. It looks curtains for the Vampire
until...<br><br>A computer crash turns the next paragraph into random symbols!<br><br>^%$*%^$#^%$)*(&amp;_@@#!&amp;*&amp;(^@@@^!*&amp;(*)*&amp;*$&amp;@^%#$#*(*I^%$*%^$#^%$)*(&amp;_@@#!&amp;*&amp;(^@
@@^!*&amp;(*)*&amp;*$&amp;@^%#$#*(*I^%$*%^$#^%$)*(&amp;_@@#!&amp;*&amp;(^@@@^!*&amp;(*)*&amp;*$&amp;@^%#$#*(*I^%
$*%^$#^%$)*(&amp;_@@#!&amp;*&amp;(^@@@^!*&amp;(*)*&amp;*$&amp;@^%#$#*(*I^%$*%^$#^%$)*(&amp;_@@#!&amp;*&amp;(^@@@
^!*&amp;(*)*&amp;*$&amp;@^%#$#*(*I^%$*%^$#^%$)*(&amp;_@@#!&amp;*&amp;(^@@@^!*&amp;(*)*&amp;*$&amp;@^%#$#*(*I^%$*
%^$#^%$)*(&amp;_@@#!&amp;*&amp;(^@@@^!*&amp;(*)*&amp;*$&amp;@^%#$#*(*I^%$*%^$#^%$)*(&amp;_@@#!&amp;*&amp;(^@@@^!
*&amp;(*)*&amp;*$&amp;@^%#$#*(*I^%$*%^$#^%$)*(&amp;_@@#!&amp;*&amp;(^@@@^!*&amp;(*)*&amp;*$&amp;@^%#$#*(*I<br><br>Kain stands over the bodies of a million demons, not a single scratch on
his own corpse.<br><br>Kain: What a great tactical maneuver! I destroyed those demons in a way
that was not only inventive, but also very hilarious!<br><br>No you didn't! You bribed me into getting you out of that scrape!<br><br>Kain: Shut up, writer. I don't need you anymore!<br><br>Out of spite, Kain is dumped into another load of demons.<br><br>Kain: Oh, very mature!<br><br>Kain skillfully fights (ie. uses the Repel spell a lot) to escape into
Avernus Cathedral.<br><br>Kain: Yet another TARDIS building!<br><br>Kain enters, kills a bunch of monks who were tinkering around with stealth
flamethrowers - flamethrowers cunningly disguised as simple books.
Available now from www.seriolishop.com. This week's special offer - trade
in your old blood-drinking sword for an upgraded model that drains the very
souls from your enemies! (Small print - Upgraded sword may contain deranged
spirit that acts violently and unpredictably when awoken. The Serioli
accept no responsibility for the actions of such spirits.)<br><br>Anyway, eventually Kain falls down a long, long, long, long, long flight of
stairs and crashes into an ancient, decaying temple with a large book that
reads as follows:<br><br>Book: And Hash'Ak'Gik did say &quot;Kill your first-born sons and soak the soil
with their blood.&quot;. And a farmer did say &quot;Why, oh Dark Entity? Do you wish
to nourish yourself from such an act?&quot; And Hash'Ak'Gik did say &quot;No, I'm
just pissed off that I have such an awful name! Do you know what it's like
to try and pick up girls at a party when telling them your name makes them
think that you're coughing and hacking in their face?&quot; And the farmer said
&quot;I'd have thought that the fact that you look like a hybrid of a huge bear
and a mutant skeleton would prevent you from ever even talking to girls.&quot;
And yay, Hash'Ak'Gik did slaughter the farmer and use his entrails to make
a rather nice sauce that quickly gained much critical approval and was sold
for a very good price on eBay. And then, Hash'Ak'Gik did say &quot;Make me a
book that only opens on one page, and then write about my terrorising the
world on those pages. And put some bloodied handprints on the page for
dramatic effect.&quot;. And the writer turned to the illustrator and said &quot;What
did he say I should write?&quot;. And the illustrator did say &quot;Dunno, wasn't
listening. Just put in any old crap, we'll shove it in that old giant
cloakroom in Avernus Cathedral, no one'll ever read it there.&quot;.<br><br>Kain: How odd, and how useless. I doubt this has any connection to me, and
I'm sure I won't have to fight this Hash'Ak'Gik as a final boss.<br><br>Kain goes off and eventually finds the Soul Reaver, waiting patiently on a
table in the middle of a Cruxshadows gig.<br><br>Kain: YES! Finally, I have the ultimate weapon! Now no one will stop
me...OW!!!<br><br>The Reaver is smashing Kain on the head.<br><br>Reaver: Kain!!! I'm still pissed off that you killed my entire clan!!<br><br>Kain: Raziel? Dammit, I don't know you yet! Leave me alone!<br><br>Reaver: I'll leave you alone - leave you alone and dead!!!<br><br>The Reaver goes to stab Kain through the chest, but at the last moment,
Kain flips the &quot;Sentience&quot; switch to the OFF position, and the blade falls
silent. Shrugging, Kain walks through the door marked &quot;This way to
Azimuth&quot;. He enters, and suprisingly enough runs into Azimuth!<br><br>Azimuth: What's this? I had not even realized that that big wavy sword
thingy was here!<br><br>Kain: You didn't know that the Cruxshadows were playing in your cathedral?<br><br>Azimuth: Come, my demons! Let us sup on Vampire blood!<br><br>A horde of demons appear at Azimuth's command. One swipe with the Reaver
and they are in little bits.<br><br>Azimuth: Oh, fu...<br><br>Kain: Let's keep this suitable for kids - no swearing!<br><br>Kain hits Azimuth with the Reaver. With a splatter of gore, her body
explodes, sending visceral organs and vital fluids splurting all over the
room.<br><br>Kain: There, still suitable for kids!<br><br>Kain rips out Azimuth's third eye, which is suprising as it just happened
to be the only body part not currently acting as wallpaper paste. He also
picks up a strange device.<br><br>Ariel: It will deliver you...in time...<br><br>Kain: Huh? Where are you?<br><br>Ariel: At the pillars. I used my mobile phone to hack into Mortanius' PA
system.<br><br>Kain: Right...now what? Hmmm, maybe this'll help...<br><br>Kain opens a nearby book. On the page he opens on is a coloured
illustration which, oddly enough, is moving like a small TV screen. Kain
touches the moving picture, and dissolves into the book. He reappears on an
island with strange architecture. Two young men are there.<br><br>Kain: Huh? Where am I?<br><br>Sirrus: On Myst.<br><br>Achenar: You'll have to solve lots of really tough puzzles to get through
the island and escape...and release me too!<br><br>Kain: OK, let me think...<br><br>Sirrus: No! Save me! He's a git!<br><br>Achenar: Shaddap, Sissy-us!<br><br>Sirrus: No, you shut up Ass-enar!<br><br>Achenar: I'LL KILL YOU!<br><br>Sirrus: NO, I'LL KILL YOU!<br><br>Kain uses the Lightning spell to blast both troublemakers into smithereens.<br><br>Kain: Be quiet! I'll need to concentrate to get through Myst...oh, wait,
here's a Linking book back to Nosgoth!<br><br>Kain uses the book and disappears. Atrus walks in, twisting the ear of
Gehn.<br><br>Atrus: See, dad? If you don't stop being such a tyrant, I'll sick HIM onto
you!<br><br>Gehn: Eeeep! I'll be good!<br><br>Saavedro: Wow...makes my attempt at vengeance look a bit tame...</span>