The scene opens on Kain, in a tuxedo, sitting at a desk.<br><br>Kain: Good evening. It has been brought to the writer's attention by a Mr
Cat In A Hat that some readers may have been offended by the term &quot;Stupid
Australian Accent&quot; in the previous chapter. Crystarr would like to take
this oppertunity to assure all Australian readers that he meant no offence.
In fact, what he was trying to say was that his attempt at an Australian
accent was what was stupid, not the accent itself. It was HIS attempt at an
accent which was stupidly pathetic, proving that the talentless bum really
should...<br><br>OI!!!<br><br>Kain: Er, sorry. Anyway, Crystarr hopes that you accept his heartfelt
apology, and enjoy the rest of his story. Neither the writer nor the
characters of Legacy of Kain have any problem with Australians.<br><br>Voice: I do!<br><br>Kain: The Oracle?<br><br>Voice: Oracle? I'm not the Oracle! I'm Moebius!<br><br>Kain: Oh, of course. So why do you have a problem with Australian fans?<br><br>Moebius, and not anyone else, understand?: Because they all treat me like
dirt, as if I'm just a monster for them to curse for my evil deeds!<br><br>Kain: But Moebius (and in no way a Seer, Soothsayer or any related
profession), it's not the Australian fans that do that. ALL Legacy of Kains
do that to you!<br><br>A Time Guardian, and not an Oracle: You what? Don't be daft! The fans love
me!<br><br>98% of all the Legacy of Kain fans in history run in and kick the crap out
of Moebius.<br><br>Kain: I can tell.<br><br>Definately Moebius: Ugh...I'm not...done...yet...<br><br>Raziel walks in and stamps on Moebius' head.<br><br>Raziel: Git.<br><br>Not the Oracle: Why...you...t-toxic...<br><br>Malek comes in and kicks Moebius hard in the testicles.<br><br>Malek: Bastard!<br><br>Kain: So, with our apology over, we can get on with the story. Is that OK,
Mr Time Guardian?<br><br>A very hurt, but not at all Oreacle-like Moebius: W-why man, he doth
bestride the world like a colossus...<br><br>Moebius faints.<br><br>Kain: I'll take that as a yes.<br><br>****************************************************************************
*****<br><br>Welcome to part 9 of Legacy of Kain 1a - Things to do in Nosgoth when
you're dead!<br><br>In this chapter, I parodise Legacy of Kain in a new and exciting way - with
my eyes shut!<br><br>*$HB#%I^%B if bur68u7%$E$&amp;^UGVE trbhur6gu^%&amp;%&amp;  O&amp;O f fujT rdrtu&amp;RT* %
yVUHB^R&amp;HK<br><br>Hmmm...on second thoughts, I think I'll keep doing it the old fashioned
way.<br><br>****************************************************************************
*****<br><br>Having fixed the Pillar of Dimension, Kain waits for Ariel to finish
chatting on her phone. Eventually, she turns her attention to him.<br><br>Ariel: Well done. You have found Moebius' toy.<br><br>Kain: What? His doll?<br><br>Ariel: No, his Time-Streaming device.<br><br>Kain: &lt;profanity deleted&gt;! I knew I'd left something at Avernus! I'll be
right back!<br><br>***3 hours later***<br><br>Having fixed the Pillar of Dimension, Kain waits for Ariel to finish
chatting on her phone. Eventually, she turns her attention to him.<br><br>Ariel: Well done. You have found Moebius' toy.<br><br>Kain: Yep! One Time-Streaming device right here!<br><br>Ariel: Uh, Kain? Where are you keeping the Soul Reaver?<br><br>Kain: Why right...huh? Oh, you son of a...<br><br>***3 hours later***<br><br>Kain: *huff* *gasp* G-got it!<br><br>Ariel: Wasn't that hand holding the Time-Streaming device when you left?<br><br>Kain: Awww CRAP!!!!!<br><br>***3 hours and 30 minutes later (Kain's getting too tired to run as fast
now)***<br><br>Kain: *gasp* *wheeze* O...K...got...them...both...<br><br>Ariel: Er...<br><br>Kain: I...forgot...the...Wraith...Armour...didn't...I...?<br><br>Ariel: Yep.<br><br>***1 day later***<br><br>Kain: Thank goodness for the Sanctuary spell...OK, got all three of them!<br><br>Ariel: And Mortanius' Death Orb?<br><br>Kain: Oh for...<br><br>***1 1/2 hours later***<br><br>Kain: ARIEL!!!! WHERE ARE YOU, YOU HALF FACED BITCH?!?!<br><br>Ariel: Something wrong?<br><br>Kain: I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE THE DEATH ORB YET! YOU TRICKED ME!!!<br><br>Ariel: Heh heh heh!<br><br>Kain: Well, that's the end of another chapter...<br><br>Ariel: I don't think so.<br><br>Kain: Awww, come on! This chapter's gone on for a day and a half already!<br><br>Ariel: I don't care. I'm not the one who has to wander around Nosgoth.<br><br>Kain: Fine. Who's next?<br><br>Ariel: The Legions of the Nemesis are on the march from the north, crushing
all in their path.  'Twas not too long ago that the Nemesis was known as
William the Just, a caring and gentle benefactor of the land, except for
his rather unhealthy squirrel obsession.  But, as his army grew in
strength, he himself grew in power, and his pet mutant squirrel grew in
number of limbs, the veil of tyranny fell and one kingdom was not enough.
So many cities, so many dead.  Willendorf will be sure to follow.  The
Nemesis must be stopped or all shall be lost...<br><br>Kain: Sorry, I must have mis-heard. What Pillar did you say the Nemesis
guarded?<br><br>Ariel: Er...none.<br><br>Kain: Right. So, now that you've got that pointless bit of digression out
of the way, who am I going for next?<br><br>Ariel: You must stop the Nemesis! You must rally the forces of Willendorf!<br><br>Kain: Ariel, you see this map of Nosgoth here?<br><br>Ariel: Yes. You're pointing to the rumoured site of the Lost City.<br><br>Kain: Yes. Well, that's where the people who care live.<br><br>Ariel: But Kaaaaaaiiiin!!!!<br><br>Kain: It's bad enough you've got me going after every member of the sodding
Circle after it was supposed to be just Nupraptor. Now you're getting me to
go off some guy I couldn't care less about! Well, T.S! I'm not going!<br><br>Ariel pulls a lever, and Kain appears near Willendorf.<br><br>Kain: Grrr...odd, normally these teleportations were more painful...<br><br>A flowerpot falls on Kain's head.<br><br>Kain: Ha. That didn't hurt!<br><br>An anvil falls on Kain's head.<br><br>Kain: YYYYEEEEEOOOOOWWW!!!! Why you...<br><br>Mortanius: Strange, isn't it Kain?  That one cannot quite accept that which
sustains him:  you in your death and me in mine.  But death cannot reign in
a world without life and soon you will find the quest ahead of you is yours
and yours alone.  I can assist you no longer.<br><br>Kain: Assist me? You've done nothing! All you do is occasionally pop up and
give some cryptic and frankly not very helpful remark about something or
other!<br><br>Mortanius: Hey! I did bring you back from the dead, remember?<br><br>Kain: Remember? You never let me forget!!!<br><br>Kain uses his Disguise to enter Willendorf, which fools all the guards,
because I can't be bothered to do all that Beguile crap. Once again,
showing just how determined and relentless he is in his persuit of revenge
(although this whole trip seems unrelated to his quest in the first place),
he takes a quick trip to the Library.<br><br>Kain: (VO) The great library of Willendorf.  Filled with dull tomes of
trite accounts by pompous historians about matters that could not possibly
be of interest to anyone but themselves. And pornography. The people of
Willendorf are trying to reduce the amount of brothels in Nosgoth. Judging
by the quality of this stuff, though, they're destined to fail. Not that I
took much of a look at it, of course! No, I...er...oh, look, what's this?<br><br>Kain: (VO) The book spoke of the birth of the Circle.  The Circle served
the Pillars, and did a pretty crappy job at it. One little prblem and the
whole thing falls apart, and needs a Vampire to come and fix it. At the
unlikely, though increasingly common, death of a member, the Circle remains
broken for a time, until the Pillars can cull a worthy successor. Meaning
that they just pick some guy off the street, probably. Who let Nupraptor be
a Guardian?<br><br>Kain: (VO) I came upon another book of interest buried deep amongst the
library's tomes.  It spoke of a small cult that existed in Nosgoth, ages
past.  Wherever they traveled strange tales of human possession would
follow.  Little is known of the god they worshipped, he was referred to as
the Unspoken. Though his real name was Hash'Ak'Gik, he had contacts within
the Circle, his favourite colour was green, and he really enjoyed &quot;It's a
Wonderful Life&quot;. The monster really was sick.<br><br>Finally, Kain quits the stupid library and actually gets to visit the court
of King Ottmar.<br><br>Kain: (VO) The court of King Ottmar. Flipping Heck, it was tacky. Why was
it painted with pink and lime coloured starts? And why was there a large
yellow smiley face on the door leading to the antechamber? Ottmar needed
his head examined.<br><br>A servant blocks Kain's path.<br><br>Servant: The king sees no one! He is in mourning for the princess!<br><br>Kain: He'll be in mourning for his kingdom soon. And he'll not mourn for
you because he's a royal, and royals couldn't give a crap about the normal
citizen in their country! Bastards, being born into power and money, and
assuming that they should be superior because they won the genetic lottery!
You can tell that the writer is a British anarchist, can't you? Hehehe...<br><br>Servant: You shall not pass!<br><br>Kain: brings the hilt of the Soul Reaver down so hard onto the servant's
head that the head disappears into the servant's torso.<br><br>Servant: You can pass!!!!<br><br>Kain walks right in, and faces Ottmar.<br><br>Ottmar: A birthday present. To celebrate her birthday, I declared a
contest.<br><br>Kain: Er, hello? King fellow?<br><br>Ottmar: Whoever created the finest doll in the realm would be granted a
royal favor.  Hundreds of dolls were brought, but the winner was obvious.<br><br>Kain: I don't care about these bloody dolls! I want you to get your army
together and stop the Nemesis!<br><br>Ottmar: Elzevir, the Dollmaker, created a toy of such beauty that all were
captivated by it.  And all he would take in payment was a lock of her hair.<br><br>Kain: Hello?! Are you listening?!?!<br><br>Ottmar: Soon after she became like this; a lifeless puppet.  Whoever
restores her to her former self shall have this kingdom!<br><br>Kain: I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR STUPID DAUGHTER!!!!!<br><br>Ottmar: Well I'm not going after the Nemesis unless my daughter is restored
pretty damn pronto!<br><br>Kain: Oh, COME ON!!! This is ridiculous! Now I'm going after a blimming toy
man?!? I swear, this had better all be worthwhile...<br><br>Kain storms out.<br><br>Kain: *grumblegrumble* You see the Vampires in films, they seem to spend
every night of their unlives killing enemies and having passionate sex with
beautiful women (or men, depending on gender and preference). And what do I
spend my nights doing? Wandering through mountains in search of toy shops.
I swear, someone will pay for this. Oh yes. Someone will pay...<br><br>And here ends another chapter. These chapters seems to get a little less
coherent and a little more pointless each time, don't they?</span>