Moebius: BWAHAHAHA!!! So, Earthworm Raz, look how helpless you and your canine companion are, trapped in my patented pit trap!
Raz: Patented? It looks like a normal pit trap to me!
Moebius: You think so? Well, maybe it is...except for one difference! The spikes are desinged so that, once they skewer you, they will transport you forward in time to the end of the universe! Even if you survive the spikes, the universe's end will take you with it! And then, I shall rule all of Nosgoth!
Elder God chirps something.
Moebius: Yes, including Coorhagen!
Raz: You'll never get away with this, evil fiend!
Moebius: Ha! Just watch me! Now I'll pull this lever and puncture you like...like...
Elder God chirps.
Moebius: Yes, like a squid eating...what? What's your obssession with bananas?! You're a squid, not a monkey!
Elder God chirps.
Moebius: No! For the last time, monkeys do NOT have tentacles!
Kainey: Quick, Raz! Now's our chance!
Raz: You got it, fuzz-buddy!
Kainey: And quit calling me that!
Raz pulls out his really big Reaver and slices through the ropes, pulling himself and Kainey to land just on the edge of the pit. He then aims the Reaver at his arguing enemy.
Raz: Hey Moebius!
Moebius: Huh?
Raz: Eat projectile, foul Time Streamer! BWA HAHAHAHA!!!
Raz fires a projectile off the Reaver, and blasts Moebius into the pit.
Moebius: AAAGH! We're doomed!
Elder God chirps.
Moebius: NO!!! YOU ARE NOT A FLYING MONKEY! YOU ARE A BUNCH OF SQUID TENTACLES GRAFTED TO MY HEAD!!! WHY CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT, YOU STUPID B...
Whatever profanity Moebius was about to say is lost as the spikes send him and his symboitic squid far off into the future.
Kainey: Yes! Once again, the wings of tyranny are ripped off by the power-hungry Vampire Lord of justice!
Raz: I have no idea what you're talking about, but who cares? I WIN!!!
Raz leaps up into the air like a happy cartoon kid, but sadly lands on Kainey's foot. Kainey yelps in pain, then transforms into a huge, evil, purple version of Hash'Ak'Gik!
Raz: Aw man, not again!
Hash leaps at Raz and starts mauling him as the programme credits begin...
Singer: Earthworm Raz - from the Abyss he did crawl!
Earthworm Raz - a Soul Reaver did fall!
Raz was just a Vamp drinking blood of human crap when...
Raziel: AAAAAAAAAAGGGHHH!!!
Raziel sits up sharply in his sleeping bag, in his camp in the Termogent Forest.
Raziel: I've got to stop watching cartoons before bedtime!
***
Welcome to Part 4 of...
SOUL REAVER 2A: ESCAPE FROM THE BLOCK PUZZLES!
Tonight, Raziel finds a note from the long-dead Janos Audron informing him to go back in time to meet him, centuries before the events of Blood Omen! But Raziel is ever persued by his enemies, his so-called allies, and the watchful eyes of the dark forces and their sinister Block Puzzles...how long can Raziel keep ahead of his enemies? And how much more can his sanity take of this after that pointless Earthworm Jim crossover bit..?
***
After exploring Janos' ruined home (finding only a note pinned to the fridge saying "I'm dead, Raziel. Use Moebius' time-machine to come back to the past. I've got chocolate waiting for you!") and gaining the Air Reaver power-up, Raziel finds himself back in the swamp, staring at the door to the Time-Streaming chamber that he noticed earlier. Finally, he blasts the door down, entering the Chamber, only to find it blocked by a gap in the floor to wide to jump, even using his wings. Fortunately, there's an Air Plinth nearby.
Raziel: (VO) I have no idea why Moebius would use an obstacle to guard his Chamber when the only way to counter it was through the Air Reaver. But then, the Sarafan guard their citadel with a gem that will only open with the Light Reaver. So presumably, the Sarafan were now all locked out, and would probably soon get into real trouble when they rang their doorbell and woke their parents up. Moebius, for his part, would be in real trouble once I got my hands on his...
The Air Plinth sputters, as if it were clearing its throat impatiently.
Raziel: (VO) I'm getting real tired of things interrupting my musings.
Raziel uses the Plinth to enter the Chamber, and he activates the machinery.
Raziel: (VO) So, into the Time-Stream I went. It was probably pretty stupid using the thing when I have no idea how to. For all I knew, it could be set to take me to the Sixties, a time when concepts like love, creativity and drug-induced happiness were all forbidden on pain of death. Hmmm? I'm in Nosgoth, remember? Things here aren't the same as in your world. For instance, did you know that in Nosgoth, a Microsoft is a slang term for a Wereworm? Yes, the poor soul turns into a small, wriggly worm every full moon. I personally prefer to concentrate on...
Bored, the Time-Streaming Chamber boots Raziel far into the past...and into another world...
Raziel lands on his head, on a grassy bank, near a huge crowd cheering at some guy being carted by in an odd-looking mechanical horseless cart. Raziel, dazed, gets up and looks around. A movement in a window some way away catches his attention, and he freezes when he sees the sign on the building. Unfortunately, due to his dazed state, he misreads the sign as the "Texas Block Depository".
Raziel: The Block Puzzles...they're not getting me again!
Raziel activates the Reaver and swings it to the building, just as two bangs, like those of a very small cannon, are heard. Raziel fires just as the second goes off, but as he does so, he slips on a banana peel. This has two effects. The first is that Raziel lands on an inflated crisp packet, causing another loud bang. The second is that his Reaver bolt is way off target, slamming into the man everyone was cheering. Raziel gets back up to see a scene of raging panic, and to read the sign correctly this time.
Raziel: Ooops.
Raziel quickly darts into a nearby alley to wait for his re-insertion into the Soul Reaver story.
Raziel: That wasn't good. Well, let's just hope that the people forget after a while. I mean, how long could they obssess about who shot that guy?
Raziel is then plucked out of this rather tasteless attempt at a comedy scene and thrown back into Nosgoth.
Raziel: Mental note - whenever thrown into another world or series while time-travelling, don't do anything at all.
Raziel reappears in the Chamber, and exits to find a nice, snowy day in the Termogent Forest.
Raziel: (VO) To paraphrase that famous sci-fi characters - Luck, protector of fools, fledglings and beings named Raziel. Despite the fact that I had as much clue as to how the Time-Streaming Chamber worked as Melchiah had of winning "Most Beautiful Vampire in Nosgoth", I'd not only emerged from the Chamber alive, but judging by the Sarafan banners and dead Vampires, I'd appeared in the same time period that I'd been aiming for. It seemed almost too easy...but then again, I was due for a break! I skipped off, happily towards Janos' stronghold.
Raziel makes his way via the pillars towards the northern mountains. Along the way, he runs into a bunch of Sarafan troops.
Sarafan: There's another one! Get him!
Raziel: Hey! I'm not a Vampire anymore! Look, Vampires have more flesh and a jaw...
A Sarafan Warrior-Priest nearly decapitates Raziel with his axe.
Raziel: If you'd just listen to me...
The Sarafan really does decapitate Raziel this time. Raziel fades into the Spectral Plane.
Raziel: You git!
Raziel uses a portal to warp back to the Material Realm, activates the Reaver, and attacks the Sarafan.
Sarafan: Hey! That's not fair! All the other Vampires die when we chop their heads off! Why won't you?!
Raziel: Because I'm the protaganist, not some background sprite!
Raziel kills the Sarafan.
Raziel strolls through the mountains, occasionally stopping to kill his former brethren (and those annoying sorceresses who won't stand and fight), before finally arriving at Janos Audron's home.
Raziel: After my long journey, I finally stood on the threshold of enlightenment. For here was Janos Audron's mountain retreat, intact and unblemished. The upheaval that would one day topple this ancient edifice had not yet occurred, and while I had no certainty that Janos still lived, this scene boded well, for I presumed that the collapse of the retreat must have followed the ancient vampire's demise. Unless of course his maid had retired first, of course. There was only one obstacle - how to reach the balcony suspended at that maddening height? This was the architecture of winged creatures. The tattered ruins of my wings were of no use. I would need to devise some other means into that mountain. If only I could find that pogo stick. Or an Air Plinth. Or be able to climb! I mean, Why in Nosgoth can't I just climb up to the stupid balcony? It's not like the wall is utterly devoid of handholds, and I've climbed sheer walls before. Huh. Somewhere, I bet Zephon is laughing his guts out at me.
Raziel eventually finds a way into the labyrinth, where he has to navigate via some blood-related puzzles that are much too close to block puzzles for his liking.
Raziel: The object of my quest lay just beyond my grasp, for here, suspended at the apex of the chamber, was the threshold that surely led to the great Vampire himself. I didn't know whether Janos Audron was the monster depicted in the Stronghold, or one of the noble creatures memorialized among the ruins of the ancient vampires, and I didn't care. Demon or angel, he alone held the key to my destiny. But I told myself, he'd damn well better have the answers I seek after these stupid "fill the goblet and pour into the bowl" puzzles. As for the now-infamous coin, it had better be worth a lot of money! I intended to buy my own Vampire army, just like Kain did (except he didn't buy them), rampage the land and cleanse Nosgoth of all puzzles. First, though, I had to find a way to reach Janos...and then it hit me!
Raziel walks right into a lever, which hits him across the chest. Staggering back up, Raziel pulls it, and a lift opens, which then takes him to Janos's antechamber. Walking out of the convinient lift, Raziel addresses a blue-skinned, angelic-looking creature with large wings.
Raziel: Janos Audron?
Janos: It is heartening, after all these years, to hear my name spoken without contempt...Raziel?My child, what have they done to you?
Raziel bursts into tears and hugs Janos like a child hugging a parent.
Raziel: It was horrible, Janos! They made me go through block puzzles! BLOCK PUZZLES! So many of them! I thought I'd go mad!!!
Janos: I know the feeling. For thousands of years, I have waited alone here, losing faith. At the time of the Binding, nine guardians were called to serve the Pillars. And I was summoned as the tenth guardian - the keeper of the Reaver, the weapon of our salvation.
Raziel: But you never had to deal with Block Puzzles!
Janos: Over time, our race died out. Until I alone remained... sustained only by my obligation to you, and by my guardianship of the blade.
Raziel: And the other nine? Why did their guardianship not sustain them?
Janos: I don't know. But I suspect laziness. I told them that we should have actually checked their references when we interviewed those Guardians. That States Guardian in particular, he had a really slothful look about him. But I digress. As our race dwindled, the humans prospered. I have watched, over the centuries, as our history faded into myth, and finally receeded altogether. The humans have forgotten us entirely, and claimed the Pillars for themselves - wholly ignorant of their true purpose. To them, I am merely a devil; the origin of their vampire 'plague'.
Raziel: Why would the Pillars summon human guardians, then, if they are meant to be served by vampires?
Janos: Because we entrusted their programming to Microsoft, and by the time we found out just how serious the bugs were, Vampires were no longer born, so we had to use humans for the Pillars v 1.01. This is the crux of our dilemma. And this is the terrible irony - with their Vampire purge and the increasing relience on Windows NT, the members of the Circle have assulted the very architects of the Pillars they are sworn to protect. They have embarked on a treacherous path. With every vampire they kill, and every Linux OS they destroy, the humans are slitting their own throats.
Raziel: I get the feeling you're not Bill Gates' biggest fan.
Janos: They know I'm up here, beyond their reach, and it terrifies them. McDonalds know that I know their terrible secret, and they dread the day I let the papers know. Plus, the Sarafan aren't overly happy with me either.
Raziel: This is turning into a rant against big companies! When are you going to get to the Coin I've been hearing about?
Janos: You can see how they flaunt their kills to torment me... or perhaps simply to lure me out.
They have this foolish notion that destroying me will somehow topple our entire bloodline.
Thankfully, we're not that fragile.
Raziel: Hello? Coin? Are you listening to me?
Janos: Don't try to find the coin, Raziel. That is impossible. Instead, try to realise that there is no coin.
Raziel: Oh, great. Now we've begun the Matrix quotes. That movie has only brought me confusion and headaches, just like mankind seems to have brought you only torment and grief. You must hate them.
Janos: They fear what they don't understand; and they despise what they fear. Plus they invented stiff shirt collars and morris dancing. But no - I do not hate them.
Raziel: Vorador does.
Janos: He was forced into much morris dancing. He cannot forgive them.
Raziel: Should they be forgiven?
Janos: They don't understand what they're doing. They are simply unenlightened, vulnarable to maniplation, and suffering from a terminal lack of common sense.
Raziel: So it's all true, then - what Kain and Vorador have told me - I really am some kind of unholy vampire messiah.
Janos: Unholy? -no. Messiah... perhaps.
Raziel: I don't like that word - it smells of brussel sprouts.
Janos: The Binding must be secured, Raziel. The Pillars are the lock...
Raziel: ...and the Reaver is the key?
Janos: Yes.
Janos leads Raziel to a large ornate chest with a sign on it saying "I thank you for not stealing the Ultimate Weapon. Thanks! JA :)". He opens it, and brings out the physical version of the Reaver. Strangely enough, the sense of vertigo that happens when Raziel approached the blade all the other times doesn't happen. Of course, by this time Raziel has sobered up.
Raziel: The Reaver is here? Why do I feel nothing?
Janos: Because you've stopped eating the magic mushrroms. The most formidable weapon ever forged by our swordsmiths. They infused the blade with vampiric energy, empowering the Reaver to drain our enemies of their precious lifeblood.
Raziel: (VO)As Janos presented the blade, an inexplicable sense of dread crept over me, more palpable than anything I'd felt before, except possibly that time I looked out my window and saw a pair of Jehovah's Witnesses walking towards my front door. I was at once horribly repelled, and yet irresistibly compelled to reach out to them, reach out and tear out their throats. The Reaver had a similar effect, except the urge was to pick it up, not kill it.
Raziel: Please - take it away from me. I've already got one. What I'd really like is a plasma gun from Doom. Or maybe a sniper rifle?
Janos: Those are not worthy of you.
Raziel: Well, what if we imbued it like the Reaver? The Soul Rifle. I think it sounds pretty groovy!
From outside the door, there comes the sound of armoured soldiers walking, and voices. One voice is heard over the others, speaking in a dark, sinister tone...
Voice: I TOLD you the little blue creep went this way! That's the last time we trust you with the directions, Dumah!
Janos: I fear you have been followed.
Raziel: Really? I was hoping you'd left the TV on in the other room...
The door bursts off its hinges, revealing a group of Sarafan Warrior-Priests, armed with cruel weapons, and Moebius' staff.
Janos: The door was unlocked, you know!
Sarafan (who sounds a lot like Raziel): Sorry. Mr "I want to break everything to make myself look big" Rahab was watching Sneakers last night. Anyway, what were we doing..? Oh yes, I remember. *ahem* Janos Audron! Finally, foul fiend, you shall meet your end!
Sarafan (who sounds a lot like Melchiah): Oh no, he's been watching Flight of Dragons again! Help me, guys!
The other Sarafan start slapping the sense back into their leader. One of them turns to Janos and Raziel.
Sarafan (who sounds a lot like Turel, not that we'd know because he never actually turned up in Soul Reaver 1!): Sorry, this'll take a second. You guys might want to grab a sandwich or something.
Janos: You must save yourself, Raziel.
Raziel: Janos - no! I want that sandwich!
Janos teleports Raziel out of the room. He reappears on the other side of a locked door, where he can hear horrible screams on the other side, and a voice saying "Sorry Janos, he must have seen A Knight's Tale too! We'll get round to killing you in a couple of minutes."
Raziel: (VO) My surroundings whirled sickeningly, and I found myself transported safely away from the ambush, to an adjacent chamber. Janos had delivered me from the Sarafan, selflessly forfeiting his own safety to preserve my life. And now I feared that my newfound mentor would be slaughtered by the very crusaders I had so recently revered. The irony pierced me, despite the fact that Janos had also prevented me from having a nice cheese sandwich, for I realized that I had been duped by Moebius from the beginning. The Sarafan had simply followed the path I gullibly blazed through this sanctuary, and had arrived bearing Moebius's staff. Thus armed, they had Janos at their mercy. It seemed Janos had conveyed me into the heart of the Fire shrine. I thought perhaps if I could complete the forge and imbue the Reaver in time, I might have a slim chance of saving Janos from his grisly fate. Hopefully, it'd take them several minutes to snap their leader from that fit of corny dialogue he seemed trapped in.
A couple of minutes later, and for once not blocked by any block puzzles (blocked by block puzzles! Get it! huh? No? Oh well, suit yourself then.), Raziel has imbued the Reaver with Fire. He races back to Janos' room and opens the door with the Fire Reaver. Sadly, it looks like he's arrived too late. The Sarafan, who have removed their helmets and are obviously the humans who would become Kain's Vampire sons. Well, I say obviously, we've only seen Raziel's human-like face before, in a statue and kind of in the Soul Reaver 1 intro, but it seems like a reasonable assumption. Anyway, the human Raziel rips open Janos' chest and pulls out Janos' heart.
Turel (probably, all these Sarafan look the same to me): Look at his black heart, how still it beats!
Zephon: What?
Turel: Dammit! I was up all night practicing that line!
Suddenly, the entire building shakes.
Dumah (maybe): The fiend intends to bury us alive!
Janos: (weakly) No, I just left the furnace on...
Dumah: Raziel, we must get out of here!
Sarafan Raziel: Remember the sword!
The Sarafan rush out of the room, Dumah pausing to cross off the word "not" on the note on the chest, and to grab the Reaver. Raziel rushes over to Janos' side.
Raziel: I'm sorry...
Janos: No, Raziel. Perhaps this was my true purpose - to save you this once. Embrace your destiny. Reclaim the Reaver. It alone was forged for you, and you alone.
Raziel: You said "alone" twice. I think you're mixing up your lines with the out-takes. Thos out-takes seem to be cropping up a lot in this parody...
Janos: I've just had my heart ripped out! What do you expect, perfectly quoted Shakespeare?!
Raziel: How about Robert Frost. He's good, and it'd be easier...
Janos: Oh good grief...
Janos dies (apparently, the events in Blood Omen 2 might suggest otherwise), and Raziel sadly leaves the building, moments before it collapses. He lands on the frozen lake.
Raziel: (VO) As I backed away from Janos's body, I was overwhelmed by a sense of self-loathing so deep, I could barely contain it. In that instant, I rejected all that I ever was, and embraced the role Janos had safeguarded for me so patiently throughout the centuries. I knew then what I had to do - the task for which I was uniquely...
Raziel stops as he sees Rahab slink back into the ruined building. A few moments later, he comes out, sheepishly holding Moebius' staff.
Rahab: Er...forgot this.
Raziel: It'll be the last thing you ever forget, you Sarafan dog! Prepare to die!
Rahab: Behind you! A block puzzle!
Raziel: What? Where?!
Raziel spins around, only to see mountains, snow, and a few Vampire bodies.
Raziel: I think you're mistaken, Rah...
Raziel turns back, only to see Rahab disappear around a corner, laughing like a madman.
Raziel: Why you little...
Raziel charges across the frozen lake, swearing vengeance. Halfway across, though, the ice breaks, and he falls in with a loud splash. The water muffles his comments, which is just as well, because most of them are unprintable anyway.