Reporter: Hi, and welcome to Nosgoth at Ten. Tonight, our top story, the Sarafan win a major battle in their war against the Vampires. I have here Mr Raziel, who has graciously taken time out from running back to the Sarafan Stronghold to talk to me here. Mr Raziel.
Sarafan Raziel: A pleasure. I love to see my face on the Crystal Ball Service.
Reporter: Just as the CBS is always pleased to interview you. Mr Raziel, can you tell us about your latest victory?
Sarafan Raziel: Indeed I can. After much brilliant strategising by me, and despite the bungling of my Sarafan bretheren, I finally managed to destroy Janos Audron!
Reporter: Is this the Janos Audron who is thought of as an Angel, a benevolent figure who regularly donates to orphanages and was recently voted "Most Popular Non-human Entity" in the Uschtenheim Gazzette?
Sarafan Raziel: Er...no...this was a completely different Janos Audron! One who terrorised the population of the Western Mountains and the town of Uschtenheim until I heroically dispatched him to the abyss!
Reporter: How come we haven't heard of this evil Janos before?
Sarafan Raziel: Because the Sarafan Propaganda can only move so fast, alright?!
Reporter: I see. Next question - what's with the big nasty-looking sword there?
Sarafan Raziel: A weapon that I freed from the grasp of Janos Audron. A fine weapon indeed, and one that should have a grand name to go with it. I was thinking of...the Sword of the Amazing and All-Round Groovy Guy Called Raziel!
Reporter: Uh-huh. What do you make of the opinions of certain people in Nosgoth that the Sarafan are a group of psychopathic goons and an insane Time-Streamer masquerading as heroes, led by a brain-dead jackass who's ego is so big that he has to hire a horse and cart to carry it around with him?
Sarafan Raziel: I can see how a minority might wrongly think that, but frankly, we're a poweful army with dictatorial tendencies who have Nosgoth in our grip, so we couldn't care less what a few Vampire-loving rebels think. Any more questions?
Reporter: Yes - is there any truth to the rumours of a passion-filled night involving you, the entire staff of three brothels, Mortanius the Death Guardian and an amorous Block Puzzle?
Sarafan Raziel: This interview is over!
The Sarafan storm off.
Reporter: Well, that's the view of the Sarafan, but what about an average Nosgothian? Excuse me, sir!
Raziel (who is still chasing the Sarafan after climbing out of the frozen lake he fell into): Yes?
Reporter: I wonder if you'd mind answering a few questions.
Raziel: Well, I'm chasing a bunch of Sarafan to get a heart back so I can resurrect a newly-found mentor to help me save the fate of Nosgoth, but sure, I can spare a minute.
Reporter: Well, firstly, what's your name?
Raziel: Raziel.
Reporter: Oh, just like the leader of the Sarafan! What a coincidence!
Raziel: Yes...coincidence...
Reporter: So, what are your views of the Sarafan?
Raziel: Well, until an hour ago, I thought they were the bees knees, but after they tore the heart out of my friend Janos, my opinion has darkened slightly.
Reporter: So you're against their "Tough on Undeath" campaign in the run-up to election?
Raziel: Election?
Reporter: Sorry, slip of the tongue, I meant massacre.
Raziel: If it's Sarafan, I'm against it. I mean, how can you trust a megalomaniacal army whose name sounds like a brand of toilet paper? Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to save Nosgoth.
A bunch of Demons suddenly appear in bursts of flame, towering over Raziel and the reporter.
Demon: We've been expecting you, little Raziel.
Raziel: (VO) So, these demonic pests were not merely the product of Nosgoth's corrupted future, for here they were, hurtling...
Reporter: Raziel? Who are you talking to?
Raziel: What? Oh, now you've made me lose my concentration!
Demon: Do you really think you can save Nosgoth? Let me enlighten you, poor Raziel.
Reporter: Excuse me, sir.
Demon: Who, me?
Reporter: Yes. I was wondering, could you tell us about yourself, and your part in this whole "Nosgoth is going to be destroyed" business?
Demon: Well, er, as you ask, my name's Tran'fa'Rit, and I'm a Demon bent on destruction and chaos. I've been sent to slow down Raziel here as he chases his former self and the others back to the Sarafan Stronghold.
Reporter: I see, and is there a reason that your dark masters want to see Nosgoth destroyed?
Demon: Well, it all started over an argument about the Pillars. See, the foolish Winged Vampires intended to make the central Pillar that of Balance, while my masters argued that the obvious choice was the Pillar of Opposable Thumbs. Things escalated, and...
Raziel jumps the Demon and slaughters him with the Reaver.
Raziel: NO ONE PUSHES ME OUT OF THE SPOTLIGHT!!!!
Raziel runs off, laughing insanely and shouting "I'm gonna get you, past-version-of-me!!!". The reporter watches him go, then turns back to the audience.
Reporter: And now the weather forecast. It's going to be a fine, clear day today, though meteorologists say there is a 57% chance of feiry rains of flame in Dark Eden caused by instabilities in the sanity of Circle members, but should remain clear for a few hundred years...
*****
Welcome to Part 5 of...
SOUL REAVER 2A - ESCAPE FROM THE BLOCK PUZZLES!!!
In this, the final part of Soul Reaver 2a, Raziel continues his relentless quest of Janos' heart, pausing only for chats with reporters, Demons, Giant Squids, and the occasional monologue. Meanwhile, Kain returns from therapy a new Vampire, just in time to step into a dramatic conclusion....or possibly a cliffhanger ending, with a few block puzzles remarks thrown in. It's late, I just want to get this thing finished, I'm missing good stuff on TV for this, everyone's having fun except for me, lonely me writing this parody as a replacement for real life, I think I need a hug...etc, etc.
*****
We see the underground Pillar chamber with a small version of the Elder God present. From outside the chamber, we here the voices of a Demon and Raziel.
Demon: You shall not pass!
Raziel: Someone's been watching Lord of the Rings! Now's the time you learn you're not Gandalf!
Demon: No matter how hard you battle, you shall never...huh? Wait...what are you doing with that pencil sharpner? No....NNNYYYYYAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Raziel saunters into the chamber, where the Elder God seems displeased.
Elder God: You have failed me, Raziel.
Raziel: I wonder, Old One. Did you truly ressurrect me, or were you simply there when I awakened from my torment in the Abyss? I suspect you found me merely convenient. Dropped in your lair by Kain, indestructable for some reason. A durable and gullible tool for you to...
Elder God: Fartface.
Raziel: Er...what?
Elder God: It's my final scene, and I only get one line? I think not. I want to say things! I want attention! Me! Look at me! I could be the next Christopher Lee, Vincent Price...
Raziel: The next Hugh Grant?
Elder God: Yes, the next Hugh Gr...no!!!
Raziel skips out of the chamber, leaving a ranting giant squid behind. He carries on until a trio of Black Demons block his way at the Pillars.
Demon: He thinks he can change his destiny.
Demon: What a fool.
Raziel: Look! It's Hash'ak'Gik!
Demons: What? Where! I want his autograph!
Raziel steps on that part of the floor of the Pillars that sticks out, the bit that looks like it should do something but doesn't. Instantly, the Demons are cast away by a large spring that catapults them into the distance.
Some time later, Raziel makes it back into the Sarafan Stronghold. His escapades leading to this point could be detailed, but as they consist mainly of fighting Sarafan losers that die in three hits, it's not really worth it. We'll just skip to the point where he finds the Reaver just waiting for him, only to have Moebius and Malek appear behind him.
Moebius: So, Raziel - here we are, finally. You have no choice but to confront me now - and I am not so foolish as I've let you believe. We have business to conclude.
Raziel: Oh damn, are you going to launch off into another tangent again? Should I have brought a book?
Moebius: *ahem* Janos?
Raziel: Oh, right! You little bastard! You made me lead you to Janos! I'll kill you!
Raziel moves to attack Moebius, but the Time-Streamer motions for Malek to block his path, and also uses his staff to disarm the Reaver.
Moebius: I think not, Raziel. Malek,do not let this creature leave. He poses a danger to the Circle. Poor, deluded Raziel... did you somehow imagine you had the guile to change history on me? I'm the Time-Streamer - I knew your every intention before you did, you imbecile.
Voice from distance: MALEEEEEEK!!!
Vorador from distance: Call your dogs! They can feast on these sausages I brought them! I believe in being kind to animals...
Malek: Lord Moebius, there is trouble within. The Circle is under attack...
Moebius: Hold fast, Malek. This one is the real danger to us.
Malek: But Mortanius will have my ass if the Circle gets killed...
Moebius: Don't worry, I'll back you up.
Malek nods, and turns back to Raziel. Moebius mouths "Yeah, right", and sticks his tongue out at Malek.
Raziel: What are you trying to concoct here, Moebius?
Moebius: Not much, just a little thing called decaffinated coffee.
Raziel: Indeed...I admit that I've underestimated you to this point, Moebius - but it's a mistake I won't repeat.
Raziel grabs the physical Reaver and flourishes it.
Moebius: Wrong again.
Moebius pulls Malek out, and the door locks. We hear their voices from the other side of the door.
Malek: So exactly what did you need me here for, Moebius? I may as well have been a wax dummy for all the stuff I did here!
Moebius: Oh, go get the crap beaten out of you by Vorador, will you?
Raziel looks at the Reaver in his hand. He tries to drop it, but it won't come away. He tries pushing it away with his feet. Nothing. After the sandpaper, the chainsaw and the small thermonuclear device fail, he shrugs and walks deeper into the Stronghold...
Raziel saunters through the Stronghold until he runs into two familiar Sarafan warriors - Melchiah and Zephon.
Zephon: Come to take your revenge, Demon?
Melchiah: Back to hell with you!
Raziel: (VO) I recognized these two as my former brethren...in life as Sarafan, and in unlife as Kain's vampire 'sons'. Melchiah and Zephon, the weakest of Kain's brood. These bastards had no idea what future lay in store for them, how they would become the very thing they so despised, how they would be used as bit characters in a video game or two, how Zephon would only ever attract a small fan base and Melchiah only pity from the fans, while guys like me and Kain had hordes of Vampire-loving girls hording after us, desperate for us, and while Kain could enjoy himself, I didn't have the capability to take advantage of the star-struck girls, my body being little more than skin, bones, and no vital organs. I vowed that I would take out my frustrations on these two...
Raziel stops his little voiceover when he realises that the Sarafan have been hacking away at him for about ten minutes now, yet the wounds they inflict instantly heal up.
Zephon: Die, you little git!
Melchiah: I've cut off this arm three times now!
Zephon: I swear, if I was a huge, spider-like monster with my own personal army, this guy wouldn't stand a chance!
Raziel: Oh, I think I could handle that.
Zephon: You? The only reason you haven't had your head fall off yet is because it's supported by that stupid tea-towel...
Raziel promptly cuts off Zephon's head.
Raziel: Say what you will about me, but never, EVER, talk down to the towel! Now, Melchiah...
Melchiah: Er...I don't suppose we could settle this over a cup of coffee...?
Raziel stabs Melchiah through the heart.
Raziel: I never drink...coffee...
Melchiah dies, not because of the fatal wound, but from the sheer awfulness of Raziel's "joke". Raziel picks up Zephon's head.
: Alas, poor Zephon, I knew him well. Well, not really.
Zephon's head: That joke is soooo two games ago, Raziel!
Raziel: Tasteless dead bastards.
Raziel tosses the head away and continues deeper into the stronghold. Here, he meets Rahab and Dumah.
Dumah: Have you come to reclaim the monster's black heart?
Rahab: You'll have to get through us first.
Raziel: (VO) My former brethren Dumah and Rahab confronted me next - this all seemed so elegantly choreographed. Though I personally wondered why the whole lot of them didn't just pile onto me at once, seeing how well the last two managed. And while I think of it, how come none of these guys were running to help Malek against Vorador? Did they think "Well, someone's slaughtering the Circle, but they only called for Malek, so I guess they'd rather not have our help. There's no point in going just in case Malek can't handle the intruder, or he gets delayed, or trips and falls down the stairs..." No wonder the Sarafan never managed to destroy the entire race of Vampires, if they were that incompetant.
Raziel promptly finishes his musing by stabbing both the Sarafan through the chests. The Sarafan sure are dedicated, as they continue to stand there, as if ready to fight.
Raziel: Er...guys?
Dumah: Silence! Prepare to be...
Rahab: Dumah?
Dumah: What?!
Rahab: Stop me if I'm wrong, but don't we normally have hearts?
Dumah: What kind of question is that?
Rahab: It's just that yours is kind of on the floor...
Dumah: So? So's yours!
Rahab: So...that means we're dead, doesn't it?
Dumah: You and your stupid stories! "You need hearts to live." "You can't fly just by jumping off a roof." "Clipping your toenails with a sharpened halberd is a bad idea." Well, excuse me if I'm Mr "Breaking Conventional Thought and the Laws of Reality", but I'm not going to die just because my heart's been...
Dumah drops dead. Rahab shakes his head, lies down on the floor, puts a comfy pillow on the floor, rests his head on it, zips up his sleeping bag, puts a "Do Not Disturb" sign, and dies. Raziel turns to the reader.
Raziel: This joke was brought to you by the request of a young lady called Morning, the letters A and U, and the number 7.
Raziel leaves the bodies and walks through a large gate into the chapel area. Here, Turel is waiting for him.
Turel: Get back into the pit you crawled...
Raziel: TUREL!!!!! FINALLY, I'VE GOT YOU!!!
Turel: What?
Raziel: Did you really think you could escape me just by being cut out of Soul Reaver 1?! At last, I have you...and I'm going to enjoy this!!!
Turel: Wait...what are you...no...no...NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOO.....!!!!!!!
***Scene removed due to graphic violence***
Raziel: (VO cont'd) ....with the desk lamp and the bottle of Demestos bleach, Turel wouldn't be bothering Nosgoth for a while. Now, onwards!
Raziel walks deep into the Stronghold, into the chamber that would eventually become his memorial room. And the Sarafan Raziel is here, awaiting him.
Sarafan Raziel: So Vampire, here we are. You destroyed my brethren, but you'll find I am not such easy prey.
Raziel: Seeing as I'm the same as you, but with incredible powers and thousands of years more experience and ability than you, I reckon you're dead meat.
Sarafan Raziel: What? Sorry, I wasn't listening. I was thinking about this girl I like...
Raziel: Uh-huh. Look, just give me the Heart of Darkness, will you?
Sarafan Raziel: So, you've come to avenge that filthy parasite have you? You're a righteaous fiend.
Raziel: Apparently you are...I mean I are...I mean...crap, best line of the game, and I blew it.
Sarafan Raziel: No, vampire. This is where it ends, but you won't be leaving this room. Now, let's finish this. I'll make it mercifully quick.
Raziel: As you did for Janos?
Sarafan Raziel: No, that beast had eluded us for far too long. It would have been a shame to end him too quickly. It's ironic, really - the "great Janos Audron" turned out to be no challenge at all... thanks to you. Did you hear his cowardly screams when I tore that black heart out of his carcass?
Raziel, in a fit of rage, steps forward and kicks Sarafan Raziel right in the family jewels. Sarafan Raziel groans and doubles up. Raziel stabs the Reaver right through his former self's gut.
Raziel: I announce you.
Sarafan Raziel: *gasp* *hack* ...announce... *cough*
Raziel: Yes! Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, a dead jackass with an oversized nose-picking device on his forearm!
An unseen crowd bursts into applause. Sarafan Raziel bows, then dies horribly.
Raziel: And so it ends. Except for Moebius, the Elder God, and probably a load of other guys I don't know yet...what the...?
The Wraith Reaver manifests again, and coils around the physical Reaver. Suddenly, the two blades stab Raziel through the chest!
Raziel: AAAAAAAGGGHH!!! Dammit! There must be a virus in this thing! Why didn't I virus-check it after each upgrade? I knew that the Air Forge was an iffy site to download from...
Raziel slowly fades away. As he seems incapable of realising what is happening, an auto cue appears for him to read from.
Raziel: With all other foes exhausted, the conjoined blades turned themselves on me. And I realized, finally, why I had sensed nothing when Janos offered me the blade. The Reaver was never forged to be a soul-stealing weapon...it wasn't? Odd...The ravenous, soul-devouring entity trapped in the blade was - and always had been - me. This is...ME?! Awww man, this sucks. I swear, everywhere I go nowadays, I have to fight myself! This is why the blade was destroyed when Kain tried to strike me down - the Reaver could not devour its own soul. The paradox shattered the blade. So this was my terrible destiny - to play out this purgatorial cycle for all eternity. I could not bear it. Despair overwhelmed me. I hadn't felt this bad since I was a Vampire and I'd drunk the blood of a guy who'd virtually drowned himself in absinthe...
The auto cue disappears, and behind where it was, we see Kain.
Raziel: YOU!!! How did you get in here again, Kain?! Why don't the Sarafan attack you instead of me, you big fat jackass?!
Kain: Don't fight it, Raziel. Give into it!
Raziel: You're kidding, right?
Kain: Trust me...
Raziel: (VO) I felt myself weakening, unable to hold on any longer. The Reaver was too strong, the compulsion to simply let go too great. And then...a growing sense of vertigo, and the familiar displacement. The paradoxical moment when my twinned soul hovered both outside and inside the Reaver blade. This was the instant - the glimmer of temporal distortion - Kain had been counting on all along. As much pain as I was in, I started to llok around for any suspicious coins, before remembering Janos' words - there is no coin. Maybe I'd misunderstood. Maybe instead of looking for the coin, I should be...
Kain grabs the Reaver's hilt and pulls it out of Raziel.
Raziel: YYYYOOOOOWWW!!! Owowowowow!!! Kain! I was doing a voiceover there, you jerk!!!!
Kain: Oh, quit whining.
The vertigo increases, as history starts to change.
Raziel: (VO) Behind Kain's eyes, I could see new memories blooming and dying, as history labored to reshuffle itself around this monumental obstruction. And I could see by the dawning horror on his face that perhaps he had left a light on in his private chambers back in our time. Imagine the bill for several thousand years. Although we'd travelled thousands of years back in time, so maybe the bill would be minus a lot of money. Which would mean the electric company would have to pay Kain money instead. I was about to point this out when he started talking again.
Kain: My god... the HYLDEN!!! We walked right into their trap. Raziel! Janos must stay dead...
Raziel loses the last of his strength, and reverts to the Spectral Realm.
Raziel: (VO) But Kain's warning was lost as I slipped into the spirit realm, too weak to maintain my physical form. And there, waiting for me as always, was the Reaver - the wraith-blade, my own soul, twinned and bound eternally to me. Or at least til the gurantee ran out. And I realized that I could never escape my terrible destiny, I had merely postponed it. History abhors a paradox. But not as much as I abhor Block Puzzles...
Suddenly, the scene is stormed by every character to appear in Legacy of Kain so far. Everyone from Kain, Moebius and the Elder God to Raziel's brethren, to Ariel, Mortanius and Nupraptor, to Elzevir, the Nemesis and Hash'Ak'Gik, they all run in, start bating the hell out of Raziel, all screaming the same thing...
All: STOP GOING ON ABOUT THOSE %£%£"^ BLOCK PUZZLES!!!!!!!!!
They leave, and a battered Raziel moves painfully to bring out a mobile phone from his cowl. He dials a number, and then speaks to someone at the other end.
Raziel: Ugh...hello, Amy? I'm feeling a bit out of sorts...owow. Can you put something between now and...the next Soul Reaver? Owch...I dunno, put another Blood Omen game in, anything...Yeah, fine, whatever...
The call is ended abruptly when a huge Block Puzzle falls from the sky and lands on Raziel. The scene ends on his tortured sobbing...