Some of the Best Things Anybody Ever Said

In England there are sixty different religions and only one sauce.
Francesco Caracciolo (1752-1799)

Men come from Mars. Women come from Venus. Lawyers come from Uranus.

I'm astounded by people who want to "know" the Universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Woody Allen

Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.
Mark Twain

I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen

Death is Nature's way of saying "Howdy."
Unknown

One murder makes a villian, millions a hero.
Beilby Porteus

If once a man indulges in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination.
Thomas De Quincy (1785-1859)

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
Groucho Marx

I write poetry not for publication but merely to kill time. Airplanes are a good place to write poetry and then firmly throw it away. My collected works are mainly on the vomit bags of Pan American and TWA.
Charles McCabe

Man: an animal [whose]. . .chief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which, however, multiples with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable Earth and Canada.
Ambrose Bierce

Don't be humble. You're not that great.
Golda Meir (1898-1978)

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
Sam Levenson (1911-1980)

A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.
David Brenner

It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations.
Winston Churchill

I hate quotations
Ralph Waldo Emerson

I hate women because they always know where things are.
James Thurber

Love is an ocean of emotions surrounded entirely by expenses.
Lord Dewar

Love is a grave mental disease.
Plato (427?-348? BC)

Plato is a bore.
Nietzsche(1844-1900)

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
Mae West (1893-1980)

I married beneath me. All women do.
Nancy, Lady Astor

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older whe gets, the more interested he is in her.
Agatha Christie (1891-1976), who was married to one

May your soul be forever tormented by fire and your bones be dug up by dogs and dragged through the streets of Minneapolis.
Garrison Keillor

All right, then, I'll say it: Dante makes me sick.
Last words of Spanish playwright Lope de Vega on being assured on his deathbed that his end was very near.

I don't feel good.
Last words of Luther Burbank (1849-1926)

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
Last words of Pancho Villa (1877?-1923)

It is better to be a coward for a minute than dead for the rest of your life.
Irish proverb

Tell the truth and run.
Yugoslavian proverb

The Irish ignore anything they can't drink or punch.
Old Saying

What a time! What a civilization!
Cicero (106-43 BC)

Oh, this age!How tasteless and ill-bred it is.
Catullus (87?-54? BC)

There is nothing so absurd but some philosopher has said it.
Cicero (106-43 BC)

Patriotism is the willingness to kill and be killed for trivial reasons.
Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)

And that's the world in a nutshell--an appropriate receptacle.
Stan Dunn

The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he is really very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good.
Robert Graves

I know not, Sir, whether Bacon wrote the works of Shakespeare, but if he did not it seems to me that he missed the opportunity of his life.
J.M. Barrie (1860-1937)

Why do writers write? Because it isn't there.
Russell Lynes

Writing is easy. All you do is stare at a blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead.
Gene Fowler

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have a paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
Guy Davenport

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I ever met.
Abraham Lincoln

Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today.
Herman Woulk

Marry money.
Max Schulman's advice to aspiring authors.

The man who doesn't read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them.
Mark Twain

I have always imagined that paradise will be a kind of library.
Jorge Luis Borges

Your life story would not make a good book. Don't even try.
Fran Lebowitz

An Irishman is the only man in the world who will step over the bodies of a dozen naked women to get to a bottle of stout.
Unknown

One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time.
Nancy, Lady Astor

If you weren't such a great man you'd be a terrible bore.
Mrs. William Gladstone to her husband

He speaks to me as if I were a public meeting.
Queen Victoria on Gladstone

The only man, woman or child who ever wrote a simple declarative sentence with seven grammatical errors is dear.
e.e. cummings on the death of Warren G. Harding

Thing have never been more like the way they are today in history.
Dwight David Eisenhower

John Foster Dulles
Mort Sahl on being asked to say something funny

I would have made a good Pope.
Richard Nixon

Gerry Ford is a nice guy, but he played too much football with his helmet off.
Lyndon Johnson

No.
President Jimmy Carter's daughter Amy, when asked if she had any message for the children of America.

Ronald Reagan is the Fred Astaire of foot-in-mouth disease.
Jeff Davis

Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair.
Johnny Carson

Well, I would--if they realized that we--again if--if we led them back to that stalemate only because that our retaliatory power, our seconds, or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive that they couldn't afford it, that would hold them off.
Ronald Reagan when they asked if nuclear war could be limited to tactical weapons

Nixon, Ford, Carter, Reagan--a Mount Rushmore of incompetence.
David Steinberg

The only thing that saves us from the beaurucracy is its inefficiency.
eugene McCarthy

All right, I will learn to read, but when I have learned, I never, never shall.
British novelist David Garnett at age 4, to his mother

Henry James writes fiction as if it were painful duty.
Oscar Wilde

Henry James chews more than he bites off.
Mrs. Henry Adams

Henry James was one of the nicest old ladies I ever met.
William Faulkner

I don't jog. If I die I want to be sick.
Abe Lemons

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Mark Twain

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get to the office.
Robert Frost

The enemy came. He was beaten. I am tired. Goodnight.
Message sent by Vicomte Turenne after the battle of Dunen, 1658

McCabe's law: Nothing has to do with anything.
Charles McCabe

Happiness is seeing Lubbock, Texas in the Rearview Mirror.
Song title

In this business you either sink or swim or you don't.
David Snell

The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New Jersey.
Woody Allen

If you want an audience, start a fight.
Gaelic proverb

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.
Steve Martin

The difference between Los Angeles and yoghurt is that yoghurt has an active, living culture.
Unknown

It was a blonde, a blonde to make a bishop kick a hole in a stained glass window.
Raymond Chandler

Man is the only animal that laughs and has a state legislature.
Samuel Butler

An empty taxi stopped, and Jack Warner got out.
Unknown

It was such a lovely day, I thought it was a pity to get up.
W. Somerset Maugham

Listening the the Fifth Symphony of Ralph Vaughan Williams is like staring at a cow for forty-five minutes.
Aaron Copeland

There is no pleasure in having nothing to do. The pleasure is in having lots to do, and not doing it.
John W. Raper

I'm trying to arrange my life so that I don't even have to be present.
Unknown

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
Unknown

If Today Was A Fish, I'd Throw It Back In.
Song Title

We don't know a millionth of one percent about anything.
Thomas Alva Edison

The cloning of humans is on most of the lists of what to worry about from Science, along with behavior control, genetic engineering, transplanted heads, computer poetry and the unrestrained growth of plastic flowers.
Lewis Thomas

The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well.
Joe Ancis

Cats are like Baptists. They raise hell, but you can't catch them at it.
Unknown

This book fills a much-needed gap.
Moses Hadas in a book review

There is something going on now in Mexico that I happen to think is cruelty to animals. What I'm talking about, of course, is cat juggling.
Steve Martin

Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
Mark Twain

What dreadful hot weather we have. It keeps me in a continual state of inelegance.
Jane Austen

Exit, pursued by a bear.
Stage direction for Shakespeare's A Winter's Tale

I can't die now. I'm booked.
George Burns

Lord Ronald said nothing;he flung himself from the room, flung himself upon his horse, and rode madly off in all directions.
Stephen Leacock

It takes about ten years to get used to how old you are.
Unknown

Your chances of getting hit by lightning go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and say "Storms suck!"
Johnny Carson

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln

When I cannot brag about knowing something, I brag about not knowing it.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.
Paula Poundstone

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.
Erma Bombeck

I have enough money to last the rest of my life, unless I buy something.
Jackie Mason

I try to watch what I eat, but my eyes are too slow.
Wanda Eda Lots

There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at, without results.
Winston Churchill

It doesn't matter what he does, he will never amount to anything.
One of Albert Einstein's teachers

In America, anyone can become President, that's the risk you take.
Aldai Stevenson

Did you hear about the woman who sent out 40,000 Valentine Cards doused in perfume and signed, "Guess Who?" She's a divorce lawyer.
Robert Orben

When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one.
Helen Rowland

She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.
Tommy Manville

How To Raise Your IQ By Eating Gifted Children
Book title by Lewis B. Frumkes

I think the world is run by C students.
Al McGuire

I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.
Unknown

What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.
Steve Martin

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as me to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
Charlotte Whitton

A Lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally.
Lillian Day

Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with a valentine.
Christopher Plummer

I have just enough white in me to make my honesty questionable.
Will Rogers

If you look good and dress well, you don't need a purpose in life.
Fashion consultant Robert Pante

Join the army, see the world, meet interesting people, and kill them.
Unknown

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
Blake Clark

Never get into fights with ugly people because they have nothing to lose.
Unknown

Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.
G. K. Chesterton

I'm in favor of liberalized immigration because of the effect it would have on restaurants. I'd let just about everybody in except the British.
Calvin Trillin

Historians have now definitely established that Juan Cabrillo, discovered of California, was not looking for Kansas, thus setting a precedent that continues to this day.
Wayne Shannon

It isn't neccesary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
Groucho Marx

I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it.
Steven Wright

If you can't annoy somebody, there is little point in writing.
Kingsley Amis

Great Moments in Literature: In 1936, Ernest Hemmingway, while trout fishing, caught a carp and decided not to write about it.
Guindon cartoon caption

When in doubt, have two guys come through the door with guns.
Raymond Chandler

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Voltaire

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have too.
Elvis Presley

Use an accordion, go to jail! That's the law!
Bumper sticker

When My Love Comes Back From The Ladies Room Will I Be To Old To Care?
Lewis Grizzard song title

I'm So Miserable Without You It's Almost Like Having You Here.
Stephen Bishop song title

I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
Song Title by Unknown

They Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat
Book title by Lewis Grizzard

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
August Strindberg

We tolerate shapes in human beings that would horrify us if we saw them in a horse.
W. R. Inge

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.
Garrison Keillor

Do you realize the responsibility I carry? I'm the only person standing between Nixon and the White House.
JFK

Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. Had he run unopposed he would have lost.
Mort Sahl

Ronald Reagan's platform seems to be: Hey, I'm a big good looking guy and I need a lot of sleep.
Roy g. Blount, Jr.

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Norm Crosby

First God created idiots. That was for practice. Then he created School Boards.
Mark Twain

The purpose of education is to get more jokes.
Unknown

You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.
Homer Simpson

The Infinite Universal Power is more than just a narrow-minded gatekeeper to a spiritual County Club.
Benjamin Hoff

Archaelology is Science that pretends to be Poetry.
Unknown

Most men are reasonably useful in a crisis. The difficulty lies in convincing them that the situation has reached a critical point.
Elizabeth Peters

Quondo Omni Flunkus Mortati (When All Else Fails, Play Dead.)
Motto of the Possum Lodge, from the Red Green Show.

Dire creature from the Netherhells should always be faced directly, unless it is possible to face them in some other way, say from behind a bush, in perfect safety.
"The Teachings of Ebenezum" Volume V

Exercise is the yuppie form of bulimia.
Unknown

Remember, Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but she did it backwards, and in high heels.
Faith Whittlesey

This thing about being a hero--about the main thing to do is to know when to die. Prolonged life has ruined more men than it ever made.
Will Rogers

There ain't no way to find out why a snorer can't hear himself snore.
Mark Twain

New Orleans: The least annoying French place on Earth.
David Letterman

To Norwegians, the polka is a form of martial art.
Garrison Keillor

When one is striding bravely into the future one cannot watch one's footing.
Elizabeth Peters

When the Irish wear buttons that say "Kiss me--I'm Irish" you look at them and, you know, you want to! Norwegians wear them, and you think, "Well, maybe tomorrow. . ."
Garrison Keillor

So, do you like . . . stuff?
Ralph Wiggum

A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
Mitch Ratliffe

I would rather serve with a polygamist who doesn't polyg than with a monogamist who doesn't monog.
Unidentified Senator

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is: Never try.
Homer Simpson

It takes enormous courage and belief to meet your destiny in life; you can see it so closely, and yet you still have to struggle toward it. Once you're aware of its existence, it's more a hard-fought objective than a preordained fact.
Sting

Who will bend this ancient hatred,
Will the killing to an end?
Who will say, "This far, no further,"
Lord, if I die today. . .
James Taylor

Better stop your groovin' round another rooster's hen.
song lyric by Lee Hazlewood

Carpe Ductum (Seize the Tape)
The Red Green Show

Si stultus es, cur curam? (Why should we care if you are stupid?)
Unofficial Motto of the WSU Writing Tutoring Center

The English are not very spiritual people, so they invented cricket to give them some idea of eternity.
George Bernard Shaw

To feel admiration for a man all through one's married life would, I think, be excessively tedious.
Agatha Christie

Death . . . is like being on holiday with a group of Germans.
Red Dwarf

Society has sacrificed its virtues to the Goddess of Getting Along.
Ruskin

Never jump into a pile of leaves holding a wet sucker.
Peanuts

No one ever went broke under-estimating the taste of the American public.
Mark Twain