No Sex (In The Basement Office) 
to the tune of the song "No Sex (In the Champagne Room)" by Chris Rock



Ladies and gentlemen, X-Philes alike
I have one piece of advice for you.
No matter what a shipper tells you
There is no sex in the basement office.
Oh, there are videos in the basement office
But they're not his.
Those agents want sex, and there's no sex in the basement office.

Don't ever visit a gulag in Tunguska.
Sure, it seems harmless
But what about all those doctors with the purity control?
They know you don't have the vaccine.

If a woman says she's Samantha, and she looks like Samantha, she's not.
If Cancer Man says a girl is Samantha, and she looks like Samantha, 
she's a clone!

Take off those silly-ass heels.

The faceless alien rebels couldn't possibly have killed all those 
people.
The Consortium did some of that stuff.

Fox Mulder, if you go to Massachusetts and meet an entomologist, don't 
tell Scully!
Why spend the next four years listening to her mutter "Dr. Bambi" every 
time she pops a clip?

UST-ain't nothing wrong with that!

No matter what you think of what I'm saying
Remember this one thing:
There is no sex in the basement office.

Ooohhh....
No sex in the basement office
No sex in the basement office
No sex in the basement office
No sex in the basement office
No sex in the basement office
No sex in the basement office
Absolutely, positively no sex in the basement office.

If an informant gives you clear photos of a UFO, he hasn't been an 
informant that long.
A REAL informant is too paranoid to be obvious.

If Krycek gives you a kiss-he'll probably stab you in the back.
If Fowley gives you a kiss-she'll probably stab you in the back.

Here's a horoscope for everyone.
Bill Mulder: You're gonna die.
Jeffrey Spender: You're gonna die.
Mulder: You're gonna die TWICE.
Well-Manicured Man: You're gonna die.
Scully: You're not gonna die at all!

Of course, no one ever "dies" on The X-Files.

If you've been getting messages from an informant for four months
And you haven't found a single solid lead yet
He is a GOOD informant.

Some of the things I've said may not apply to you.
Some of the things I've said may offend you.
But no matter who you are, you must remember this one thing.
No matter what a shipper says
There is no sex in the basement office.
NONE!

No sex in the basement office
No sex in the basement office
No sex in the basement office
No sex in the basement office
No sex in the basement office
Can't get none, can't have none
In the basement office
Absolutely positively
No sex in the basement office....

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