THE SMOKER
With apologies to Mr Poe

Once upon a case so dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,
Over many a dumb and stupid theory of my partner's lore,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of someone gently rapping, rapping on my Taurus door.
"'Tis some animal," I muttered, "tapping at my Taurus door-
Only this, and nothing more."

Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December,
And a man had dropped an ember, burned our office's décor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow; vainly I had sought to borrow
Bullets to relieve the sorrow of my partner's paramour-
Poor Diana who was shot, she was my Mulder's paramour-
Tried to make her blood outpour.

I was really quite uncertain why the thought of Fowley hurtin'
Thrilled me- filled me with sadistic feelings never felt before;
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating,
"'Tis some animal entreating entrance at my Taurus door-
Some poor animal entreating entrance at my Taurus door-
Only this, and nothing more."

Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
"Sir," said I, "or Madam, truly some explaining I implore;
See, the fact is I was napping, and so loudly you came rapping,
And so rudely you came tapping, tapping at my Taurus door,
That you woke me, so I'll shoot you"- here I opened wide the door-
Darkness there, and nothing more.

Deep into that darkness peering, long I sat there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, curious if aliens would yank me out the door;
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token,
So a naughty word I spoke unto the lurker out the door-
"S***!" I whispered, and a voice reproached me, murmuring "You swore!"-
Merely this, and nothing more.

Back into the Taurus turning, all my Irish temper burning,
Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.
"Surely," said I, "surely this could not be Mulder's childish pranking?
Let me give him, then, a spanking, and his fortitude explore-
Let my gun be still a moment and his fortitude explore-
I will hit him till he'll roar."

Here the door did slowly open, but my mood was swiftly broken-
Inside stepped the man a-smokin' whom I so loved to abhor.
Not the smallest greeting made he; not the least respect he paid me;
When his cigarette did fade, he chucked it down onto the floor-
Calmly threw his dirty fag down on my nice clean Taurus floor-
So I swore at him some more.

Then the smoker tried beguiling my hot temper into smiling,
With the stupid alien patterns of the underpants he wore.
"Though your panty friends are prancers, man," I said, "I need some answers.
I just need to know the chances – will my partner me ignore?
Tell me whether he will ditch me now the X-Files are no more."
Said the smoker, "Nevermore."

Much I marvelled this ungainly man to answer me so plainly,
Though his answer certainly did not my confidence restore.
For we cannot help agreeing that this detestable being
Ever yet was blest with something less than stainless truth at core-
His deception and his lack of morals made me him deplore.
So I scorned his "Nevermore."

But the smoker, sitting lonely in the other seat, spoke only
That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour.
Nothing further then he uttered- not one cigarette he guttered-
Till I scarcely more than muttered, "he has ditched me oft before-
On the morrow he will leave me, as he's left me oft before."
Then the man said, "Nevermore."

Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,
"Doubtless," thought I, "what he utters I should thoroughly ignore-
Of conspiracies he's master and it would be a disaster
Not to shoot him just like Pfaster till his guts are on the floor-
Then the plans he's made will vanish from the world for evermore-
Yes forever, evermore."

But the smoker still beguiling all my fancy into smiling,
And I started to believe that what he said I should explore.
So into my soft seat sinking, I betook myself to linking
Words to actions, gravely thinking what this man whom I abhor-
What this grim and wrinkly, ghastly, gaunt man whom I did abhor-
Meant in croaking "Nevermore."

This I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing
To the man whose squinty eyes now burned into my bosom's core;
This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease reclining
On the car seat's soft suede lining that I'd often gloated o'er,
Till my Mulder spilt his coffee on that soft suede lining o'er,
Ah my Mulder! Such a boor.

Then methought the air grew colder as I spoke about my Mulder -
Told the smoking man how Mulder's ass I really did adore.
"Ah!" I cried, "Mulder's panspermia makes me feel even squirmier!
It gives me hypothermia, these chills I can't ignore!
If he ditches me, my will to live will truly be no more."
Said the smoker, "Nevermore."

"Prophet!" said I, "thing of evil!- prophet still, if man or devil!-
How do *you* know that my Mulder will not ditch me anymore?
Desolate yet all undaunted, by the thought I am enchanted-
My his ass I still am haunted- tell me truly, I implore-
Are you sure he will not ditch me?- tell me- tell me, I implore!"
Said the smoker, "Nevermore."

Suddenly a tiny glimmer of perception did it shimmer.
Though my Mulder was quite yummy and his ass I did adore...
"He's a PUNK to always ditch me! Mulder never could enrich me!
He deserves that Fowley bitch, *she* can his underpants explore!
I don't have to marry Mulder, do I, smoker?" I implore.
Said the smoker, "Nevermore."

"Now I need a man with power," I mused, "And a nice big shower!
Tell me, smoker, do not cower...are you ready for amour?
Come with me and quit your smokin', forget all that I have spoken,
Leave my loneliness unbroken!- dump your clothes outside my door!
But please promise me that Mulder's name you will not speak no more."
Said the smoker, "Nevermore."

And the smoker, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
Right beside me as the engine comes to life with a big roar -
And we leave for a vacation that will alter the whole nation -
He will have an operation that his smoked lungs will restore
And we'll live in peace together- finally I'll get to score!
As for Mulder- nevermore!

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