The Assistant Directors' Chorale parts like the Red Sea, 
and Agent John Doggett steps to center stage:

(to the tune of "I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major General", 
from Gilbert and Sullivan's Pirates of Penzance)

DOGGETT:
I am the task force leader in the search for Agent Mulder.
I must get hot upon the trail before it gets much colder.
I'll search in every nook and cranny, under every boulder
I am the task force leader in the search for Agent Mulder!
I must admit I'm puzzled by that medical file folder:
If Mulder thought that he'd be dead before the year was over,
If he was sick and dying for a year he should have told her.
If Scully wants to cry a little she can use my shoulder.

ASSISTANT DIRECTORS' CHORALE:
If Scully wants to cry a little she can use his shoulder.
If Scully wants to cry a little she can use his shoulder.
If Scully wants to cry a little she can use his shoulder.

DOGGETT:
I'm very good at putting clues together from a paper trail
Give me half a chance and I think I could find the Holy Grail
But now, I must get back upon the scent before it's colder.
I am the task force leader in the search for Agent Mulder.

ASSISTANT DIRECTORS' CHORALE:
But now, he must get back upon the scent before it's colder.
He is the task force leader in the search for Agent Mulder.

DOGGETT:
Does Kersh think I'm impressed with all his stories aeronautical?
And why is he so worried that my mind will turn irrational?
He knows I'm not like Mulder is - impulsive and hysterical.
When I am on the job I am impeccably professional!
My presence on this case will be a masculine and manly one.
Testosterone alone may be enough to get this whole thing done.
It's true the task before me is impossibly Herculean
But Scully? I quite like her - and her eyes! They're so cerulean! 
    
ASSISTANT DIRECTORS' CHORALE:
But Scully? He quite likes her. And her eyes are so cerulean.
But Scully? He quite likes her. And her eyes are so cerulean.
But Scully? He quite likes her. And her eyes are so cerulean.

DOGGETT:
I'll take a bunch of agents to the desert dressed in shirts and ties
And follow Scully everywhere she goes because I like her eyes.      
Come on, men! Let's get back upon the trail before it's colder.
I am the task force leader in the search for Agent Mulder.

ASSISTANT DIRECTORS' CHORALE:
Come on, men! Let's get back upon the trail before it's colder.
He is the task force leader in the search for Agent Mulder.

DOGGETT:
So now I'm in the hot seat, and I think I know the reason why.     
They knew all along that I would fail. So why'd they'd make me try?
That mole looks really huge when it's backlit like that. Does it draw
stares?
I can't stop looking at it. Yes, it's rude, but at this point, who 
cares?
He's sneering at my neatly typed report like it's a piece of crap.
For honestly reporting what I saw, I'm gonna to take the rap.
Why doesn't he just charge me to my face with lies and perjury?
That mole is really bugging me, Kersh. Get some plastic surgery.

ASSISTANT DIRECTORS' CHORALE:
That mole is really bugging him, Kersh. Get some plastic surgery.
That mole is really bugging him, Kersh. Get some plastic surgery.
That mole is really bugging him, Kersh. Get some plastic surgery

DOGGETT:
Okay. So now I get it. This whole thing was just a big charade.
To make me look like such a dork that I can never make the grade.
They'll stick me in the basement with the X-Files, there to smolder.
So much for the great leader of the search for Agent Mulder.

ASSISTANT DIRECTORS' CHORALE:
They'll stick him in the basement with the X-Files, there to smolder.
So much for the great leader of the search for Agent Mulder.

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