"What Do You Do With a Drunken Mulder?"

What do you do with a drunken Mulder?
Hope his taste's changed now he's older--
Put all his neckties in a folder
And forget to file them.

Way, hey, and up he rises;
Goes right out and then he buys his
Next damned batch of ugly ties--his
Favorite store is Wal-Mart.

What do you feed to a drunken Scully,
Sick with cancer, feeling surly?
Microchips and salsa--Ole!
Early in the morning.

Way, hey, and up she rises,
Way, hey, and up she rises,
Gets right up and analyzes 
Coffee every morning.

What do you do with a drunken Skinner,
Too much beer, too little dinner,
Now that his job keeps getting grimmer?
DUCK, YOU FOOLS! (This morning)

Way, hey, and up he rises,
Way, hey, and up he rises,
Gets right up and exercises
Early every morning.

What do you do with a drunken Ratboy,
Liar, traitor, half-chewed cat toy?
Let him kiss the wrong damn fratboy
Early in the morning.

Way, hey, but up he rises,
Way, hey, and up he rises;
Life is full of big surprises--
Some of them disarming.

What do you do with a drunken smoker,
Smiling, evil, black-lunged joker?
Feed him to a Brood Queen 'till you choke her
Early in the morning.

Way, hey, and up he rises,
Way, hey, and up he rises,
Just one taste and her gorge rises,
Early in the morning.

(ad infinitum)

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