Greetings all,

A while ago, when that Sunscreen song was driving me nuts, I started filking to it so that it would be more bearable while it was invading my every waking moment. I had meant to share this, but then I saw that another great mind had thought alike and posted first, so I shelved mine.

But anyway, it's that time of year, and in honor of Sister Megasus and all the other graduates (and with no disrespect for the other filker, with whom I clearly share a brain cell or two), here it is:

EVERYBODY'S FREE TO WATCH "X-FILES"

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of '99: watch "The X-Files." If I could offer you only one tip for the future, "X-Files" would be it. The long-term benefits of watching "X-Files" have been proved by science, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own obsession . . . um . . . focus. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of Mulder and Scully. Oh, never mind, you will never understand the power and beauty of both until the show is cancelled. But trust me, in twenty years, you will look back at your videotapes and recall, in a way you can't grasp now, how many new episodes lay before you and how fabulous they really were. Mulder is NOT as big an ass as you imagine.

Don't worry about the alien invasion. Or, worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to stop a train by parking your car in front of it. The real dangers in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the mutants that crawl out of your vents at 4 PM on some idle Tuesday.

Believe one thing every day that scares you.

Trust no one.

Don't be reckless with other peoples' DNA; don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Deny everything.

Don't waste your time on cattiness. Sometimes they're silly bimbos; sometimes they're evil hellspawn. But the Mulderbabes never last long, and In the End, There Can Be Only Scully.

Remember Clyde Bruckman's Final Repose, forget Teso dos Bichos.
If you succeed in doing this, tell me how. Keep your friends close; keep your enemies closer.

Resist or serve.

Don't feel guilty if you want to spend your life watching "The X-Files." The most interesting people I know spend their life watching "The X-Files." Some of the most interesting people ON "The X-Files" dont HAVE a life.

Use plenty of latex.

Be kind to your ova, you'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe Mulder and Scully will marry, maybe they won't. Maybe they'll have uberscullies, maybe they won't. Maybe Mulder will die a martyr's death at 40. Maybe they'll dance to "Walking in Memphis" on their 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever they do, don't congratulate yourself too much. Or berate yourself either. The shippers are right. So are the noromos.

Enjoy Skinner's body. Appreciate it in every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or what other people think of it. Those are the greatest pectorals you'll ever see.

Believe the lie.
All lies lead to the truth.

Listen to your informants, even if you don't quite trust them; do NOT listen to Modell he will ONLY MAKE YOU KILL YOURSELF.

Get to know who your real parents are.
You never know what they've been up to.
Stay close to your siblings.
It makes it easier to tell them apart from their clones.

Understand that supporting characters come and go, but for Krycek, who never stays gone.
Work hard to bridge the gap between shippiness and slashiness, for the more overt the show gets, the more we'll need the people we knew when it was ambiguous.

Live in Aubrey, MO, once, but leave before the deranged hicks kill you.
Live in Home, PA, once, but leave before the deranged hicks kill you.

Fight the future.

Accept certain inalienable truths: the mytharc won't hold together, Chris Carter will mess with your head, you too will get confused and when you do, you'll fantasize that when you first started watching, the mytharc made sense, Chris Carter was on the level, and Mulder respected Scully.

RESPECT SCULLY.

Don't expect anyone else to rescue you.
Maybe you have the protection of a shady government operative, maybe you'll have a partner that says you're his "one in five billion;" but you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or people might get into fierce, neverending debate on the Internet about which 'do looked best on you.

Be careful which fandoms you embrace, but be patient with those who embrace them.
Fandom is a form of self-preservation. Being a fan is a way of fishing our culture from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts, and recycling for more than it's worth.

But TRUST me on "The X-Files."

Author: Serin

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