You Might Be A Redneck If...

You think the play The King and I is about Elvis.

You ever listed fuzzy dice on an insurance claim.

Your trolling motor used to be a fan in a barber shop.

You list tick removal as a skill on your resume.

You've ever had to turn your truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.

You've ever driven around looking for your porch roof after a bad storm.

Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.

Your nicest towels say, "Property of Motel 6."

The photo on your driver's license includes your dog.

You've ever walked through the living room and caught your neck in the clothesline.

You have three first names.

Your most expensive piece of art is held up with thumbtacks.

You've ever rolled your riding lawn mower.

You were ever fired for shooting spit balls.

You repair your foam cooler with duct tape and bubblegum.

Someone yells, "Hoe down", and your girlfriend hits the ground.

You've ever worn camouflage pants to church.

You've ever watched a tornado from a lawn chair.

If you go to the family reunion to meet women.

If you walk your son to school because you're in the same grade.

If both your wallet and your dog are on a chain.

If your richest realtive calls you over to help him take the wheels off his house.

If you've ever found a car while cutting the grass.

If going to the bathroom at night involves boots, a coat, and a flashlight.

You think safe sex is when the participants are married to each other.

A night on the town includes city jail.

You develop a 1 to 10 warning system for your gas attacks.

Your local funeral home is also a U-haul franchise.

You think the Yellow Pages have something to do with training a puppy.

You have season tickets for the tractor pull.

Your Uncle Bob died peeing on an electric fence.

Your mama is banned from the front row at wrestling matches.

You've ever phoned ahead to make dinner reservations at Shoney's.

You've never stayed in a hotel without stealing something.

Your arms are hairless from checking your knife's sharpness.

You gave your wife a glue gun for your anniversary.

You keep a pellet gun by the front door.

You applied for a job while wearing a stocking cap.

For Valentine's Day you take your wife to dinner at the Wal-Mart snack bar.

Your daddy has ever said, "You kids run down to the dump and see what they left."

You cried when Merle Haggard was inducted into the Country Music Hall of Fame.

Your flashlight holds more than four batteries.

You think the quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.

There is a puddle in your driveway year-round.

You've ever read the entire Sunday paper sitting in the bathroom.

The liquor store knows you by your first name.

You thought Power Rangers were Ford pickup trucks.

Every deer-crossing sign on your road is shot full of holes.

The strongest smell in your house is butane.

A dating service matches you up with a relative.

You've ever bet on gator wrestling.

The tires on your car don't fit under the fenders.

You think the traffic sign "Merge" is a personal challenge.

There's no record of your birth---anywhere.

You consider a spotlight hunting equipment.

Orkin uses your house as a training site.

You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

Your lawn fertilizer was in your cow about five minutes earlier.

You've ever had sex while wearing work gloves.

You make wind chimes out of frozen orange juice lids.

You've ever removed a wart with a firearm.

Your car alarm eats your dog food.

FedEx stops at your house only for directions.

You own a pair of knee-high moccasins.

You can play the "Star Spangled Banner" on your turkey call.

You put "horns" on your new bride in your wedding pictures.

You have a beer can crusher mounted on the dashboard of your car.

Your wife bought you motor oil for your birthday.

You buy a police scanner to keep up with your relatives.

All your relatives would have to die to wipe out illiteracy.

The man from the power company threatens to cut off your service, and you threaten to cut off something of his in return.

There are engine parts on your coffee table.

You've ever been on television not wearing a shirt.

You've ever backed down an exit ramp.

You've ever heard, "I told you it was loaded," while staring at a hole in your ceiling.

You think the most effective form of advertising is on the side of a car going 200 mph...round and round and round.

Two of your weddings made America's Funniest Home Videos.

You use a piece of bread as a napkin.

Your dog passes gas and you claim it.

You're wearing a ball cap in your driver's license photo. And so is your husband.

You've ever hitchhiked naked.

The biggest sign on your place of business says "Minnows."

Your mother's nickname is Chainsaw, Swampdog, or Flea Bed.

Drying your clothes depends on the weather.

Your wife keeps a can of vienna sausage in her purse.

You go fishing with a generator and copper wire.

At the track you always bet on the dog that "does his business" right before the race starts.

You've ever written your resume on a cocktail napkin.

You've ever walked through a drive-thru window.

The beer truck delivers door-to-door in your neighborhood.

You've never paid for a haircut.

You and your wife wearing matching outfits to church.

Your satellite dish has more square footage than your home.

The most fun you've ever had involved water balloons and a ferris wheel.

You've ever had hot flashes at a cattle auction.

Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom.

You can pick objects off the floor with you toes.

You can open your walk-in beer cooler witht the clapper.

You and your dog are on the same medication.

You take a spit cup on the dance floor.

You think cow tipping should be an Olympic sport.

Somebody yells "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend hits the ground.

The cleaners inform you that they can't get the sweat stains out.

You have an above ground pool and you fish in it.

You burn out your clutch in a funeral procession.

Three weeks after the circus, you're still talking about the elephant's accident.

Your family reunion features a chewing tobacco spit-off.

The school principal has your number on speed dial.

Your class reunion is a keg party in the woods.

You list "beginner's luck" as a skill on a job application.

You sent out birth announcements for your new puppies.

You think the last four words of the National Anthem are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

You think Roe v. Wade deals with boat ownership.

You've ever worn your seatsuit to a funeral.

You riding lawn mower has cup holders.

You play pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey and get 4 theeth kicked out.

You've ever plucked a nose hair with a pair of pliers.

You've ever burped and killed a fly.

You have to wash your hands before you go to the bathroom.

You wear overalls to save on the cost of shirts and underwear.

Your little black book is a string of cocktail napkins.

You have a Jack Daniel's poster in your living room.

The sound of a siren sends your family running for the woods.

You've ever had to have a wrecker pull your car out of a pothole in your driveway.

Your first pet wasa chicken.

The farthest anyone traveled to your family reunion was 2 miles.

The engine hanging in your yard is newer than the one in your car.

Your gun safe is bigger than your refrigerator.

Your home phone is three blocks away in a booth.

You didn't know you were crosseyed until you joined the army.

You honk your horn during love scenes at the drive-in.


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