=======================
Steel of the Windchimes
=======================


	
	There's nothing left for me to do but hold your hand and hope
that one day I'll feel you squeeze back.  I'd do anything if you'd 
just open your eyes, look at me and smile.  I've always loved your
smile, even when I didn't always like you.  My God, that all seems
like so long ago.

	I didn't mean to hurt you so bad, I just hope you can believe
that, I hope you can understand.  Sure we've fought, but it was 
never suppose to end like this.  Not ever, no.  I feel so bad, I
feel so bad that I can't stand it.  The guilt is killing me, killing
me as surely as the blood in your brain is killing you.  But I can't
bring myself to want to stop feeling this way either, because I know
I deserve it.  I deserve it for doing this to you.  For doing it to
everyone that loves you.

	I can never forgive myself, but I hope that you can forgive me.
Even if I don't deserve it.

	Shane?  Do you feel me squeezing your hand?  Do you know who I
am?  I wish you would just open your eyes, prove those cock-sucking
doctors wrong and just open your eyes.  I know your angry Shane, being
in a coma, not being able to move or do things for yourself, I know
these things make you angry.  So wake up, let me see you get angry.

	Or just wake up.

	Do you feel my hand on your face, Shane?  Do you feel me 
touching your hair or looking at your closed eyes?  Shane, wake up, I 
know you can do it.  The part of me that isn't dying too, knows you 
can do it.  I woke up, Shane.  You can wake up too.

	Shane.  Shane?  When I got my neck hurt, I promised myself that 
I would never hurt anyone else that way.  I *promised* myself.  I 
broke that promise with you, I hurt you, and I'm *sorry*.  Really, 
please?  Please, Shane?

	God, the guilt.  I can't breathe, I can't think.  I'm so sorry.  
I am so sorry.

	Shane?  Can you feel me holding your hand?

	I would give anything to just turn back time, to go back to the
ring that night and stop myself from busting your neck.  From breaking
whatever the hell it is I broke.  I'd give anything, Shane.  Is that
enough for you to forgive me?  Is that enough for me to forgive myself?

	Your father forgave me.  Shit, I can hardly believe it.  But 
Vince, that - that *man*, forgave me.  I'm killing you, slowly, and
he told me that he knew what I did was an accident, that he knew I'd 
never do this to you intentionally.  And that I could see you, that I 
could sit here.  That I could watch you die because of what *I* did.

	Maybe he didn't forgive me after all.

	You're so alive.  Even this close to death, you're more alive
then me.  That life you have inside of you, that inspiration, passion,
love, fear, anger, determination.  It's something that I think I'll 
feel, long after you are gone.

	Shane?

	I sometimes don't know why I stay here with you.  Why I sit, and
stare, and wait.  Do you know I'm here?  Do you know how long I've been
waiting?  Is that why you never go?
	
	Do you feel me holding your hand?

	Someone put windchimes up in the window of your hospital room.  
Stephanie I think.  She hates me, you know.  She can't stand to look at
me, I think she's planning on having me beat up by that fiance of hers.
That's okay.  He's a lifetime away.

	The windchimes make this sound, this light, tinkling sound that's
delicate, light and musical.  The sound plays by movement, by the wind.
Nature's song, life's song.  Steel pipes and thin chains make that
sound.  So strong, but so beautiful.

	Like you.

	Can you feel me touching you?  Can you feel my cheek brush yours
as I try to feel breath, any breath, come out of your mouth?

	Can you feel my pain as deep as I feel yours?

	The nurses tell me I have to go.  She's a real knockout Shane, 
and she looks at you like she knows you.  She probably thinks she does,
you've been here for so long.  But she never really will, unless you
wake up.  Unless you look at her.

	Hunter's here too now, he says Jesse's waiting in the car and
that Chyna is worried.  They're all worried, about us both, I think. 
How they can worry about a killer is beyond me, but I like the way his
hand feels on my shoulder so I'll leave without a fight this time.  But
I'll come back, and I'll keep coming back until there's nothing to 
come back too.

	I won't miss you, because I've already lost you.

	Do you feel my goodbye Shane?

	Goodbye.

	

	
	

**end