I have uncovered a mass global conspiracy that could forever rock your world! I have been quitely collecting data, and I'm afraid I must now say, the situation is bleek. I feel we must form a resistance before it's too late! read on to discover the ugly truth! There is a secret government which allows the aliens to abduct a certain number of people a year* in exchange for printer's ink? You see, when the aliens abduct these innocent people they either eat them or take them to Mars where they are forced to mine printer's ink. (And you wonder why toner is so expensive?!) (I am unsure of the exact numbers, but I imagine it is in the ballpark of around 500 persons per 42 tons of ink.)

There is a catch, however! You see, the aliens aren't allowed to abduct people that have computer chips inside them. The computer chips are part of a super top secret research project that the secret government is conducting. At this point in time my colleagues and I are unsure as to the purpose of The Project, but we can only assume that the secret government is bad, therefore, The Project is bad! The computer chips are of alien orgin, and can monitor everything we do- all we eat, think, smell, hear, and say! You may be wondering how so many people can have a computer chip inside them and not remember it being put in, and the answer is so simple only a genius like me could have thought of it! You see the secret government is operating under the front of the Nabisco corporation. No one would suspect a snackfood company of commiting such dastardly deeds!! Nabisco hides computer chips within the filling of Toastettes! Whenever you eat one of these tasty Pop-Tartsesque treats, you are quite possibly "enrolling" yourself as a guinea pig in The Project.

There was a .99999% probability that when people consume these devices the chip will turn to such an angle that it will cut the inside of the consumer's throat. Obviously the secret government took these odds and so far this has only happened once, and it happened to ME!! I know about their sick little plan and I'm trying to stop it. Ever since I started warning people about the evils of the printer's ink and the toastettes, the government has been out to get me and my co-conspirators! They are hunting us down one by one! At one point they attempted to send an alien disguised as my grandmother to bring me lots of M&M's, they know that once my chip is deactivated I will be abducted by aliens and promptly devoured! (The resistance has discovered that a chemical in the hard candy shell of M&Ms disolves the computer chips, and if eaten in excess, can cause the chip to disentigrate to such a degree it can no longer transmit your readings to the scientists heading The Project. We are currently unaware of the part the Mars company plays in this whole scheme, but we can only assume that they are in fact a sect of Martians who are sick of Earthlings using all of their natural ink and want the Secret Governmet out of commission!)

Recently, a friend and colleague of mine was attacked in a vicious way! The aliens are abducting her one organ at a time! She was complaining of a terrible stomache ache, and, upon examination I discovered she didn't have a stomache ache, in fact she didn't have a stomache!! The terrible pain was being caused by her breakfast set loose in her abdomen, with no container to hold it! Cheerios were bombarding the liver and she had orange pulp in her kidney! Of course I couldn't let my friend suffer like that so I performed pocket-knife surgery and replaced her stomache with a piece of Tupperware, so far it has worked wonderfully. I am now wondering if perhaps I may be able to replace my own stomache with a piece of plastic, in which case I could find my computer chip and further study it. However I don't think performing surgery on myself is a very good idea, and since no doctor can be trusted and my friends have such weak stomaches (no pun intended!) I must wait until an opportunity presents itself!

NEWS!! 9/18 Orihah has informed us of more of Nabisco's dastardly deeds: his theory is that the Nabisco/Secret Government is in kahoots with another evil company known as The International Bank for Ex and Live Current Hippies (I BELCH for short). Their evil plan is to put all the hippies Ex or Current in so much debt that they can put them into indentured service for the aliens mining the printing ink, but that isn't their most evil goal! By putting all the hippies mining ink on Mars there won't be any cool people left on the planet, therefore making life so boring that everyone will die from complete boredom, except the bankers whose life is already so boring that it won't even phase them. And isn't a entire world full of bankers really scary? Indeed it is!! We can't let this happen! *Pepper steps up to her podium* Normally at a time like this I would deliver a speech to get us all cheering and fuming mad at Nabisco. But in the hippy spirit of this message, I think this is a bit better *music ques up* "What the world needs now...... Is love, sweet love! It's the only thing, that there's just..... too little of!" *Pepper gets hit in the head with flying produce and decides maybe singings not her thing!* SAVE THE HIPPIES!!!

That is all the news from the frontlines of The Conspiracy for now. Check back here for more updates, as you can see, the situation is grim. I may be offed by Nabisco at any moment, but now you know too, and death can't silence me any longer!! Now you can tell others, and they can tell others, who can also tell others! The truth must be passed on, our way of life will survive!!! Join the resistance!! Before it's too late!!!!!