Julianna: Chapter IV
The weeks passed quickly enough, and I began to recover quite well. My bruises and cuts were gone, though I had a few scars here and there, and the pain in my side had reduced to a dull ache that I only noticed now and then. An officer had gone to find Stanley, but he said that when he had arrived at the King residence, no one was home, and looking through a window he found the house utterly empty. Stanley must have run away, anticipating our actions. Apart from my physical health, my mental well being had gone downhill the first few weeks but I was beginning to recover. Mary told me she often worried about me during that first little while. She said she often found me staring at nothing, and when she spoke it sometimes took me 5 or 10 minutes to respond. I had spent most of my time either lying in bed looking forlorn, or wandering aimlessly around the house or the garden outside. In the past week I had begun to help out around the house and busy myself, but I had been feeling sick often and tired easily, so Mary urged me not to work very much. It was now nearly the end of August and the weather had begun to cool down, which helped me immensely. The sweltering, unbearably hot days only left me bed-ridden even more than usual, and the cool breezes that had begun during the past few days brought my energy up. Sighing, I arose from my squatting position that was fast becoming uncomfortable, and decided that I had worked in the garden long enough. As I stood, a funny feeling started in my stomach and worked it's way up my throat. Almost startled by the sudden nausea, I leaned against a nearby tree and tried to swallow it down, but it wouldn't stay down long. 5 minutes later, I was staring at my noon meal, down there on the ground, feeling rather embarrassed, even though there was no one else around. Well, it probably wouldn't happen again. Maybe the food had just disagreed with my stomach. But the nausea kept on, and the next morning it was there again. I was sitting on my bed, writing a poem when it suddenly occurred to me what was wrong. "Oh no!" I whispered to myself. It couldn't be! I had been sick and exhausted for weeks, but I thought it was just a side effect of the physical and emotional trauma I had been through. I suppose, in a way it was. I felt a tightening in my throat, and my eyes became moist. No, Julianna, don't cry. You've held back this long; you can't break down now. Just be strong. I pulled myself together, slipped on some shoes and headed down to the doctor's office, wanting confirmation, even though I was already quite sure.
"Are you sure you don't want to tell the Moores?" Doctor Brown asked. I nodded mournfully. "Yes, I couldn't possibly burden my dear friends with this. And please don't tell anyone else, I don't want it getting around." He frowned, and his kind eyes looked very sad. "Alright, you have my word. But, where do you plan to go? It will become obvious within a matter of weeks, you know. This is not a thing you can hide for long." I nodded again and sighed. "Yes, I know. I was thinking of sailing back to England, but I don't know if the baby and I could handle that. I lost my mother while coming here, and since then I've had an aversion to sailing." He nodded, and said, "I'm sorry, my dear, that must have been hard on you."
"Thank you… I was thinking perhaps I could find a home a little further away from the city… in the country. But I don't know. I don't have much money, just what my mother left me, but that will only feed me for a few weeks, and it definitely won't get me a place to live. But… it's about time I moved out of the Moore's home anyway. I do love them dearly, but I fear I've taken advantage of their hospitality for far too long now." He smiled kindly. "I am sure that they don't mind, but I understand the need for independence." He paused for a few seconds, as if he were trying to remember something, and then his eyes lit up. "Oh yes! Miss Christian, I know a family that resides just outside of New York, and I'm sure they would love to have you. They have taken in unwed mothers before. They're very accepting and kind… would you consider staying with them, if I spoke with them?" I shook my head in dismay, "Oh, no, I don't think I could do that! I've been far too dependent lately."
"You see, Miss Christian, this particular family owns an inn and I believe they could use your help there, and cooking in the kitchen, in exchange for a place to stay." I still was a bit wary of it, but it sounded like it was my best - and perhaps, only - option at the time. "Well, Doctor Brown, it's a tempting offer, and I thank you for mentioning it. In my present situation, it looks like my only option. If you will ask them about it, I will come back in a few days and see what their response was." He smiled in relief. "Good, good! I am so glad you agreed!" I nodded and smiled back. "Well, it appears it is time for me to go, Dr. Brown. Thank you very much for your help." "Yes, yes, of course! Have a good day, dear."
I walked outside and headed back to the Moore's house. Upon returning, instead of going inside I went to the garden and sat down, leaning my back against a tall oak tree. I needed time to think. It was so overwhelming… there was actually a little life growing inside me. ME! I didn't feel alive enough for it to be true, but it was, and it always would be. From now on I had an enormous responsibility… It was just too much to think about all at once. And his father… Stanley was his father. It was such a terrible thought that I told myself I must never, ever think it again! No, he - or she - would grow up with just a mother. At least my baby would have that. I didn't have a mother, or a father anymore. I pulled my knees up to my chest and rested my forehead on them, then began rocking back and forth… back and forth… a song came into my head and I sang it to that soft rhythm;
"Lullaby, lulla lay, the sea is singing her lullaby… the snow falls, the wind blows, and I must stay here, but by and by… you will return, this much I know… lullaby, lulla lay…"
Mary found me there sometime later, still humming to myself. She knelt next to me and whispered, "Julianna? Jewels… come inside, it's getting dark." She took me by the arm and I complied, and we walked inside together. She led me up to my room and we sat on my bed. She tried to get me to lie down, but I needed to talk to her, and I decided this time was as good as any. "Mary dear…" She jumped, seemingly surprised that I had spoken. "I… I have something I need to talk with you about." She frowned, probably thinking I was delusional, said "No, Julianna, why don't you lie down and get some rest. Then we can talk about it." I almost gave in, I was so, so tired. But I shook my head, turned to her and gripped her shoulders. "Mary, listen to me… the time has come for me to leave you." She opened her mouth to object but I hushed her. "Shh, let me finish. I have taken advantage of your family's hospitality for far too long now, and I want independence. I know you've noticed that I've been feeling better lately, and I think I will be fine. Besides, I will be living with a small family in the country, and if I should need help I'm sure that they will be there." She frowned and sighed. "Julianna, I don't agree with your decision, but I understand it. I will speak with Mother about it, and leave the choice up to you." I smiled and embraced her. "Thank you, Mary, I so needed your support." She hugged me tighter and burst into tears.
"I wish you weren't leaving," murmured Mrs. Moore. "Me too," sniffled Mary, as she hugged me for the 20th time that day. "I'll miss you both very much," I sighed. "You've been very kind to let me stay here this long. I shall never forget it." I embraced Mrs. Moore and then Mary, again. A knock came at the door and Mary handed me my bag. I had made myself a few dresses since I had come here, and I had a few keepsakes that Mary and Mrs. Moore had given me. I didn't want to say the word good-bye, because I knew that I would cry if I did, so I just waved and closed the door behind me, leaving Mary and her mother clinging to each other and crying. Dr. Brown helped me into the carriage, and we set off on a long, bumpy ride. "Thank you for setting all of this up for me, Doctor Brown. You've been very kind." He smiled at me. "Oh, it was no trouble at all. And besides, that's my job… To help people. How have you been feeling, my dear?"
I shrugged. "Overwhelmed. But fine, physically. I think that all of my wounds have healed. The morning sickness has finally passed, and once in a while I can feel a tiny fluttering, as if the baby were moving, but I'm not sure if that is what I think it is," I smiled. He nodded and laughed, "Oh, it probably is the baby sometimes and other things at other times. Within a couple of months you won't be able to mistake it." I nodded and sighed, not wanting to think that far into the future. I only had 6 months until I was to be a mother. I would turn 19 in February, and the baby was due at the end of March. I glanced at Doctor Brown, and he looked as if he were concentrating on something very hard. Then he turned to me. "Julianna," He said, "As concerned as I am about your physical health, I am more so about your emotional state. When such a thing happens to someone so young - well, a girl of any age, really - it can take a very hard toll. You seem to be very strong, and I know you CAN handle it, but ARE you?" Caught in a moment of vulnerability, I wasn't sure how to answer. I couldn't lie to him, he would see right through it. So I told him the truth. "I don't know… I just don't know," I said, shaking my head sorrowfully.
More Chapters
Chapter V
Chapter VI
Chapter VII
Chapter VIII
Email: arionj@hotmail.com
