Julianna: Chapter VI
I awoke to silence, and realized I had probably slept in far too long. Silence meant that Benjamin was outside playing, or doing chores, and that Andrea and Daniel were, most likely, over at the inn preparing breakfast… or lunch. I kicked the covers off and sat up, shivering in my sparse nightgown. It was mid-September, and the mornings were beginning to be very chilly, although it was still warm during the afternoon.
I wanted to get back in bed and snuggle up under the heavy comforter, but I didn't. I stood up, undressed quickly, and braided my long hair. Almost unconsciously, I placed my hands on my belly and noticed for the first time that it had swelled far past it's normal size. Well, that was quite normal as far as I knew, it just seemed so soon, and like it had grown so fast. I sighed and got dressed, then walked down the hall to the kitchen. There was a piece of paper on the table so I walked to it and picked it up.
"Julianna, I am down at the inn. Feel free to join me when you wake. I'll be in the kitchen. - Andrea"
I left the note there, went back to the bedroom to get my shawl and then walked to the inn. I walked in the door and looked around. I was in what seemed to be a small dining area, with people seated at the tables that were scattered around the room in an organized fashion. To the right were stairs, leading up to a long hall, with the rooms they rented out on either side, I presumed. The smell of bacon and eggs started my stomach rumbling, and so I headed for the kitchen. "Ah, Julianna, you're up!" Andrea said cheerfully. "Yes… I'm sorry I slept in so late, I…"
"Oh, don't think a thing of it!" Andrea interrupted, "I quite expected you to. I'm sure yesterday was very exhausting for you, and we both were up late. Now, help me serve this food, and then I want you to come back and tell me some more." I smiled and she handed me two trays, then pointed out which tables the food was to go to. I felt slightly self-conscious as I served the food, knowing that there were several pairs of eyes staring, and wondering… I glanced down, trying to decide if the swelling was visible enough to be the object of great curiosity, or if it was just me, being a new person. After a few seconds of pondering I decided it could be either, or both, depending on who was looking. I sighed and walked back to the kitchen with empty trays. Andrea turned off the stove, then sat me down in a chair, and pulled up one for herself. "Now, tell me more… Where did we leave off last night?" I searched my memory… "Oh yes," Andrea said. "You left for the America's." I smiled. "You have a better memory than I do, Andrea. Yes, we boarded a ship bound for New York, Mama 5 months pregnant, and I unhappy because Mary and her family had ended up on a different ship. Stanley, of course, brought along as much of his money and fine things as possible… I think he would have brought his house, but it was too big to fit…" We both laughed at the thought. "Our quarters on the ship were quite fancy, and we were all well cared for, thanks to Stanley's money, but Mama got sick… very sick. Stanley started to be extremely impatient and unkind with both Mama and I. I think he was angry with her because he knew that, as sick as she was, either her, or the baby, or both wouldn't survive the trip, and he wanted a son very badly. I don't know why he was angry with me… but he has been ever since. About halfway through our journey, Mama took a turn for the worst." My voice had begun to tremble as my memory flashed back to that terrible time… But I kept talking. "I stayed with her all night while Stanley drunk himself into a stupor, stroking her hair and talking to her like she always did with me when I was ill. We called a doctor in - she had started having contractions, and we wanted to know if he could save the baby… he told us Mama was beyond help, but that the baby might survive if she delivered it before she died." I felt wetness on my cheeks and I brushed away the tears. Andrea handed me a handkerchief and I smiled at her, then continued. "She died in my arms, which in a way was comforting. At least I was there for her, like she had been for me. Before she passed on, she told me I needed to be strong, and build the life for our family that she had wanted…" I paused, and somehow, I was there, in that ship, holding her hand…
"Mama, it's okay, everything will be okay." I was comforting myself more than Mama, I knew… "Jewel, please… promise me something." I was crying… sobbing. Mama was utterly calm, and it drove me to madness. "Anything, Mama, anything you ask…" For the first time in my life, I saw her eyes moisten, and a few tears escaped onto her cheeks. I brushed them away gently, and said again, "Mama, anything you want… tell me. What is it?" "Be strong for me, Jewel. You must be strong, and carry on without me. If this baby lives, I want you to take care of him." I shook my head, "I can't… I can't go on without you. You are going to live, mama, you will."
"No, child, I won't. You will live with Stanley when you reach New York, and I want you to be a good girl. You're already turning into a beautiful young woman. Keep reading, and writing… you always had such talent. Please, promise me you will do that for me." I promised her… and the full weight of it crashed down on me as the baby was delivered, 5 weeks early. "He's quite healthy," The doctor said. "Healthy, but still, it was too early. You take him, Julianna, there should be enough of a supply of Goat's milk on board to feed him till you reach New York." Mama was slipping away… "I love you, Julianna," She whispered. "I love you too, Mama…" The doctor handed me the new baby boy, and my mother, my angel was gone. I brushed away the remaining tears on my cheeks and walked away, determined to do as she asked…"
"Julianna… Julianna? Are you alright, dear?" I looked up, and realized that I must have been sitting there for some time. I had stopped crying, and Andrea was standing next to me with a concerned look on her face. "Yes, I'm alright… I was just remembering." She put her arm around me and gave me a quick hug, then sat back down. "You don't have to tell me any more, if you don't feel up to it," She said, ever so kindly. "No, it's alright, I want to finish… We had to bury my mother at sea… it was too far away from the coast, they said. I took care of Jacob - that was the baby's name, Jacob - and he seemed to be alright. We docked in New York in January, and the day after that, Jacob died too, in his sleep."
Now Andrea had tears in her eyes. "Oh my, that must have been so hard on you…"
I shrugged. "I suppose it was, but after that I didn't cry anymore. Mama told me to be strong, so I did as I was asked. Stanley and I found a large estate in northern New York, somewhat comparable to the one he had owned in Manchester. This time it was just the two of us, no servants. He took up drinking - well, he had already loved his alcohol, but by then it had become more than just something he did on Saturday night with his friends." I sighed, thinking of the dire consequences that had been suffered as a result. "We buried Jacob behind the house… I planted flowers by his grave, and made a crude headstone with both his and my mother's names on it. Without even seeking them out, we found that the Moore family - Mary's family - lived 15 miles away, but upon visiting them, found that they, too, were in mourning. Mary's father had died a month after they arrived, which was perhaps a week before we had. Mary was the only child at home - her older brother, Matthew, had gone away to find work. I suppose we sought comfort in each other, and after that we became even better friends than we had been before. Nothing too eventful happened after that…"
I told her of meeting Nathaniel at the gala we had both attended, but didn't tell her his name, and expressed my sad conviction that I would never see him again, and that it was best that way. I didn't tell her of what Stanley had done to me. I wasn't ready to talk about that yet.
Our tears having been dried, she embraced me again. "Thank you for listening, Andrea… I've never told anyone all of that before, and I feel much better." She smiled. "Oh, it was my pleasure. You're an amazing woman, Julianna… truly amazing."
As the next few weeks passed, Andrea's words ran through my head again and again, and I wondered what she had meant. Amazing? That had never been a word I would have used to describe myself, and no one had ever said such a thing to me before.
The work at the inn - that I soon began to do more of than Andrea - became routine, and sometimes, enjoyable. I soon became acquainted with some of the regular customers and I found that most of them were quite accepting and friendly. I moved into a room at the inn, wanting to feel independent, but I always had dinner with the Haynes' and stayed until the children's bedtime.
Daniel was nearly always away during the day, but in the evening he always found time to spend with his children and wife, and I began to look forward to all the simple activities that families take for granted. I had settled in so well, and everything seemed so perfectly laid out that something was bound to happen to throw me off course. It was a Saturday morning, which meant I didn't have to be downstairs until 11. I expected to sleep in, as I was prone to do on weekends, but at 8:30 I rolled out of bed. The very air around me seemed excited and in a strange state of unrest, but I brushed off the feeling and sat down at my small bureau, armed with paper and ink. Images of a tall man with flaxen hair and eyes of the softest green kept popping into my head, but I pushed them out absent-mindedly. I wrote a few words on the crisp, white paper, and could think of no more, so I peered in the small mirror that Andrea had set on the bureau a few days after I had moved into my new room. I dropped the pen I had been holding in my right hand and brought it up to my face, tracing the white scar that ran from the middle of my cheekbone to my temple. Well, it was fading, but I knew it would always be there, a constant reminder of… - The baby kicked me, and I jumped, startled out of my morbid thoughts. I placed my hand on my now very evidently swollen belly - I couldn't even hide it with loose dresses anymore - and whispered, "Shh, baby." But instead of calming, it just kept randomly kicking, sometimes on both sides of my belly at once. I laughed and shook my head. Energetic little baby, aren't you? I thought silently. After a few minutes, it calmed again, and then I felt a rhythmic thumping. Hiccups? "Well, that's what you get, little man… or woman!" I sighed and stood up, got dressed and wandered downstairs. No one was there, or had even come down yet. I started walking towards the door, meaning to walk down to the Haynes' home. As I reached for the doorknob, I heard quiet murmuring in the kitchen. A voice that sounded like Andrea's, and a distinctly familiar male voice… where had I heard that voice before? Not thinking that I could, perhaps, be disturbing something that I wouldn't want to disturb, I walked into the kitchen to see whom Andrea was talking with.
"Good morning! I thought you would have slept in this morning, my dear…" Andrea said, but I was staring at the back of a tall man… the images from that morning came back to me in a rush, and I stood, seemingly petrified. "Julianna, come meet my friend." The tall man spun around as Andrea spoke my name and suddenly became as petrified as I. "Julianna," he said, and the low, smooth tones of his voice floated over me. "Nathaniel…" I murmured, amazed that my lips could still move. Then there was Andrea, hands on hips, demanding to know what she obviously didn't know. Nathan was the first to gather his wits, and he turned to Andrea. "Andrea, darling, Miss Christian and I have already met. A few times, in fact." I nodded and sat in a near-by chair to steady myself. Nathan's gaze traveled back to me, and I saw his eyes widen as he realized my delicate state for the first time. It was his turn to steady himself, and he sat down in the chair that Andrea was standing by. Looking back at me, he let out a barely audible sigh, and spoke. "I presume it is no longer Miss Christian, but that you have taken another's name? Or were you already married the night we met?" I heard the slightest trace of anger creep into his voice and I suddenly felt as if I had betrayed him somehow, wronged him. Of course, what else could he possibly assume? "I owe you an apology, milord…" And I could find no more words, no more excuses. Andrea walked over to me and whispered in my ear, "I'll leave you two alone, it's obvious you have some issues to discuss." I opened my mouth to protest, but she waved her hand and said, "I'll be upstairs cleaning if you need me," then left the room. I sighed, and rather than returning my gaze to Nathan, I folded my hands in my lap and stared down at them. "I fear it is I who owes the apology, Julianna. It was I who initiated our first conversation, and I who came calling." I shook my head slowly. "No, sir, it is I. I asked you to come, which was not my place and I do see the error of my ways." I debated whether to voice the next sentence, but, as I looked up and saw those beautiful eyes fill with pain and confusion, I decided I had to tell him the truth. Part of it, at least. "You see, Nathaniel, I… I'm NOT married." At those few words, he seemed to become even more confused. "Then you are widowed, Madame?" I shook my head and sighed. I didn't wish to tell him the full details of what had happen, but perhaps… if I explained a bit, he wouldn't think badly of me. But then, why did I care if he did or not? I couldn't be with him, and if he knew, he wouldn't want me anyhow. Before I could say or do anything, he spoke again. "Well, I don't know how this came about then, but I must say, I either misjudged you by more than a stone's throw, or there is a perfectly reasonable explanation. I don't know what in the world it could be, but…" I broke in, suddenly feeling far too strongly that I had to tell him or all would be lost. All of what? I pushed the thought away and rushed to speak before I lost my nerve. "Nathan, I am not married, and I never was, but I assure you, this was not my choice. Not by any means." His eyes narrowed, and I hurried to explain myself before any thoughts could formulate properly in his head. "Yes, I know that that seems absolutely ludicrous, but it's true. Of course, it's never anyone's choice to have a child out of wedlock, but it goes beyond that. The… the very action that created the child, was not my choice." There. I hoped that would explain it well enough, and that I would have to say no more, because my hands were shaking and so was my voice. I ventured a glance at his face, and saw a thousand emotions battling for supremacy. Anger, sadness, joy, sympathy… those were only a few. In the end, anger took over. "You mean to tell me that some bastard of a man forced himself on you?!" He was furious. The gentle look in his eyes betrayed the words coming from his mouth. I nodded, ever so slightly, and he slipped out of his chair and knelt next to me. This time, pain was ever present in his expression, his eyes and his voice. "Julianna," He whispered, "I apologize for speaking such harsh words in front of you, but I do not feel regret for the man I spoke them of. How could he…? How could anyone?" I stared down at him, my eyes filling with tears and my stomach, with butterflies. "He was drunk," I finally choked out, and he breathed deeply, as if to calm himself.
He took my hands in his, kissed them both, then stood up, bringing me with him. I breathed in deeply, and as I let it out, I felt a gentle release somewhere deep inside me. The tears flowed freely, and he took me in his arms, buried his face in my hair, and whispered, "Sweet Julianna… I'm so sorry…" I buried my face in his chest, shamelessly partaking of the comfort he offered. He tightened his hold on me, and I began to shake with the pure sorrow that flowed through me. He kissed the top of my head, rested his cheek there, ran his fingers through my hair. The tears turned into sobs, and I shook with all the anguish I had ever felt… In this one moment, I was releasing all the sorrow and fear I had felt when my mother died, when little Jacob died, when I stood, holding my mother's baby, watching her slip into the endless ocean of blue and white waves. I had never truly cried until this moment, and the sweet torment of it wracked my very soul.
It seemed like hours before the tears stopped flowing, days, even. As I released my last, shaky sob, like an offering to the God of Sorrow, Nathan ever so gently placed a hand under my chin, lifted it, and looked into my eyes. "Julianna… You are amazing," He fervently proclaimed. Again, someone had said that word to me. I shook my head in weak wonderment, and he kissed my forehead. All my strength seemed to have left me with the tears, and his strong embrace held me up, fortified my spirit, and comforted my weary heart.
More Chapters
Chapter VII
Chapter VIII
Chapter IX
Chapter X
