Julianna: Chapter XII
In any other case, it would have seemed like a moment of pure abandon, and perhaps it was, but I didn't care, and it didn't matter to us what the situation was outside of that perfect heaven we had created.
The words, "I love you," kept running through my head, begging to be said, but that was the only thing I kept much control of. I didn't say them. Did I really love him? I had the conviction in my heart, the thought in my head, but despite all that I wasn't sure. Not sure at all, but the warmth in my cheeks and the butterflies in my stomach urged me to be sure, or not care about being sure.
Despite the unrest in my body I felt an incredible peace. The air was thick with it and it penetrated my thoughts, my heart. This was right, and that much I was sure of.
As I wiped away his single tear, my fingertips lingered on his cheek, and he untangled his hand from mine, then placed it over mine. Again, pleasant tremors unmercifully attacked my insides, and I raised my eyes to his, wondering if he was feeling the same thing. Judging from the effect that his eyes always had on me before that day, I should have been prepared, but the look in those deep, gentle green eyes made my breath catch in my throat and my heart began to beat wildly.
In a barely audible voice, he whispered, "Julianna," and the long silence was broken, but the moment was not. He leaned ever closer, so close I could feel his warm breath on my face.
Yes, kiss me Nathan, what heaven that would bring… I thought helplessly, but as his lips touched mine, ever so slightly, images of another night flashed through my head, panic filled me and I abruptly pulled away. Tears of embarrassment, pain, and remorse filled my eyes, and Nathan sat back with a sigh. I expected him to be embarrassed, upset with me, but his gentle manner did not allow it.
"Julianna, love, tell me what troubles you…" He whispered, but required no answer. Understanding filled his eyes when he saw the look of fear on my face, and he gently reclaimed my hand.
Why, why, why?! My heart asked, over and over. Why can't I simply let go of the past and get on with my future? It simply wasn't fair, but I was quickly learning that life was never fair. Tears spilled over, tears that I thought had fled. I had thought this day would be the mark of my healing, the start of the rest of my life. Stop that, Julianna, you know it is. This is just one obstacle you must overcome, I told myself. The icy fear having been somewhat discarded, my eyes sought Nathan's again, but when they found them, I was immediately sorry and lowered my gaze. The concern and sweetness I had found there overwhelmed me, and tears flowed ever freer.
Trying to find something else to occupy my mind, I lay Sabra down on the bed, carefully wrapping her in the afghan that Andrea had finished just days before, and Nathan followed suit, gently letting go of my hand and lying Marcus down beside her. He then sat back down in the chair beside my bed, and lifted a large, gentle hand to brush my hair out of my face.
"Julianna, it's alright, I understand. You need time, and time is what I shall give you," he quietly assured me, and though his words offered a little comfort, I protested.
"But, Nathan, I've HAD time! Too much… I want to be healed, I want to live my life and be happy. I want my children to have a decent mother, one who can laugh and play with them, and I want them to have a father, but with the way I'm acting now that'll never happen." With these angry, frustrated words, sobs escaped my lips, and he moved to sit beside me on the bed.
"Julianna, you can't be expected to fully heal from what happened so soon. It's not fair or right what happened, but look what came of it, my Jewel, look…" He gestured towards the tiny sleeping figures on the bed beside me, and despite my sobs, I smiled through the tears at their sweet faces and nodded.
"You're right, of course, now that they're here I don't think I could live without them… something good did come of it, but it still hurts, Nathan. It hurts so badly, sometimes I just want to rip my heart out and stomp on it, so I wouldn't feel a thing, not happy or sad, I wouldn't feel this terrible pain…"
Carefully, and ever so gently, he pulled me to him, and I rested my head on his chest, wary of anything more intimate.
"You wouldn't feel the wonderful joy that I saw in your eyes, either, Julianna, or the overwhelming love for Sabra and Marcus. It's still there, I can still see the happiness in your eyes. Find it again, and I promise you, whenever you seem to lose it, I'll be here to help you discover it, every time."
His words filled me with peace, and though tears still flowed, though my chest still ached with sorrow, I knew he was there, and that was all I needed.
"Tell me about your brother," I quietly entreated, hoping to be able to provide comfort in the wake of our tears. He had comforted me time and again. It was my turn. I felt him breathe a heavy sigh, and looked up at his face to see if I could determine what it had meant. "Sweet Julianna, of course you would ask that," he was smiling at me through his sad, moss colored eyes, and I resisted the urge to simply stare into them without reply.
I lowered my gaze and resumed leaning against his solid, comforting frame, and forced myself only to think of him, his gentleness. He had not said anything further than his earlier reply, so I gently prodded him with my elbow. "Nathan, tell me about him, it's only fair." I cringed. My words had come out wrong, so I hurried to right my wrong.
"I mean, you have comforted me so many times, and I've poured my troubles on you more than I ever should have. I only ask for the chance to do the same…"
The thump-thump of his heart was comforting, so I did not move my head to see the expression on his face. He began stroking my hair, and a sharp intake of air was the result on my part. It was a pleasant sensation, feeling his hand run gently down my back, over and over again. "I suppose I owe you that much," He said softly, and I could hear a smile in his voice. He paused for a second, then began speaking, his tone serene and quiet.
"Marcus was only 2 years older than me, but in my mind he was always 'the big brother'. He was my hero…" His voice trailed off for a second, but he continued. "He taught me about everything, except for women. Mother is still trying to do that, although she reassures me every day that there's no figuring them out." I laughed quietly, but held my tongue, biting back a clever retort.
"He was really different, perfect almost. It seemed like he wasn't fit for this world, only for something higher and better. Maybe that's why he didn't stay around very long…"
I heard the slightest tremor in his voice, and wrapped my arms around his middle, hoping to offer some slight comfort to this sweet man whom my heart told me I loved and my mind protested to constantly. In response, he untangled his hand from my hair and pulled me closer. My heart was beating so fast I thought it would burst from my chest… I pushed the memories away, focused on the present, and he went on.
"I loved him so much, Julianna, it was so hard to say goodbye to him. I wished I had been taken instead, I still do sometimes, but Mother always told me I had more to do here, and that Marcus' time on earth was finished. I thought it was nonsense, that if there really was a God out there, he wouldn't have taken my dear brother away, or made my family suffer for his loss so much." He sighed shakily.
"My poor Nathan," I whispered, empathy filling me. I was afraid I would cry again, and draw more sympathy from him. I knew he would try to comfort me no matter how harsh his pain, so I held them back and swallowed the lump in my throat.
"How did he…?" I didn't finish the question, not wanting to say the dreaded word. I knew the reaction it drew from me, when people asked how Mama died, how Jacob passed on, why they were 'not with us any longer'. The gentle phrases always drove me crazy. They all meant the same thing, so why did people skirt around it? Not saying it was the easiest, I had concluded long ago. He expelled a sorrowful breath, and I was almost sorry I had asked.
"Cholera. The doctors said it was a miracle no one else in the family contracted it, but I said it was a curse. They burned everything that belonged to him, which left my mother heart broken. She had no remnants of him but memories. I had what I had learned from him, good memories. I've never been capable of conjuring up a single sour recollection of him; he was the best, most perfect person I ever knew… It's been a year and a half, but I still miss him as if it had been yesterday, Jewel, I miss him so much." He pulled back slightly, looking down at me with imploring, tear filled eyes, as if searching for a remedy for his pain in mine.
I transferred my arms from his waist to his neck, my head resting just below his chin. I felt almost childish, but I had no other form of consolation to offer. He sighed and lowered his lips to my cheek, brushing them gently across it.
"I'm sorry about your brother, Nathan, although I know from experience that apologies will never suffice for the loss of a loved one. I wish I could do something, something to…" I could no longer find words. They seemed so clumsy, so insufficient and callous.
"Ah, my sweet Jewel, you have done more than you would imagine. I've never spoken of this to anyone before, and it's taken a considerable load off me. You are so very sweet and comforting, I can't imagine anyone being more helpful," he whispered, breathing warm air on my cheek and sending me through another fit of butterflies, tremors, and goosebumps.
Suddenly, I realized how very close we were, how tight our embrace was, and panic fluttered through my heart once again. No, Julianna, don't ruin this. It's so perfect! You can't ruin this… I told myself, and pushed the fear away, but I must have stiffened because Nathan took my by the shoulders and held me at arms length, looking concerned.
"What's wrong, Julianna? Tell me…"
I avoided his eyes, my gaze fluttering about the room at random, knowing that his eyes would claim mine and I would again sink into his welcoming embrace, risking embarrassment yet again.
"Jewel, don't worry, I understand… I really do."
He gently placed a hand under my chin and lifted it, and mine was a hopeless case. His eyes were like magnets, and soon I was looking straight into them, finding only understanding and warmth.
"I'm sorry, Nathan, I wanted to listen to you, repay you… but ultimately it seems you always end up helping me…" I was on the verge of tears again, but I found self-control in some deep, dark corner of myself and used it against them, banishing them from my eyes. It seemed as though the morning had been a series of my tears and his embraces, and then ultimate embarrassment. I didn't mind him holding me, in fact I wanted him to do so for the rest of forever and longer, but it seemed as if some unseen being was working against us.
He shook his head and again gave me a sad smile. "You are so sweet, Julianna. Being with you is the best tonic for my soul, no matter what the situation, and that's the truth."
Why, why, why do you have to be so sweet?! I yelled inwardly, melting even further than before, if that was possible. The way things were going, I should have been a tiny blob on the ground by then. I sighed, and, without much effort, due to my thought a second before, I smiled wordlessly, again feeling that words were too clumsy for the moment.
Apparently, he thought so too, because without warning, he leaned over and kissed me on the cheek, pulled me into a soft embrace, then released me, not wanting to frighten me. Just as we pulled apart, the door opened.
"Andrea, Daniel!" I exclaimed, both surprised and pleased to see them. Daniel hadn't even seen the babies yet, and I was eager to show them off. Andrea looked somewhat less tired than she had when she had escorted Nathan in, and I thought she must have gotten a little more sleep. Daniel looked somewhat more rested, but I was sure he had stayed up with Andrea. They both smiled, and Andrea walked to the bedside, peering at the babies. "They're so sweet, Julianna, just beautiful. How are you feeling?" She asked. "Very well, Andrea… I'm still basking in this feeling of new motherhood, it's very overwhelming, but…"
She nodded, understanding full well how I felt. "Yes, I know. Have you named them?" I paused before answering, seeing Daniel waiting at the door, hesitant to enter. "Come over here, Daniel, I want you to see the babies," I beckoned, smiling at him. He was so quiet, laid back and gentle. I rarely heard a word come from his mouth, but he was one of the most caring people I had ever known.
He slowly walked to the bedside, and I glanced at Nathan, noting his silence, but he just smiled and I smiled back. Andrea moved so that Dan could see the babies, both still slumbering peacefully, and a smile slowly spread across his kind face.
"They're… so cute," He finally stated, and we all laughed. I nodded in agreement. "They are cute, aren't they? Would you like to hold one of them?" I asked. I would have offered both, but I was sure he would feel awkward holding two babies at once. He nodded, then stood there looking flustered. I laughed again, and picked up Marcus, turning him over to Daniel's practiced arms, then, seeing the look on Andrea's face, I offered Sabra to her, and she willingly accepted.
"So which one is which?" Daniel asked, not looking up from Marcus' face. I laughed. "Well, you are holding Marcus Alexander. He's the younger of the two… by about 10 minutes," I conceded. "
"And you, Andrea, are holding little Sabra Dawn."
She smiled, the sparkle in her eyes matching that of her husband's.
"Oh, Julianna, Benny wanted to see the babies… is that alright?" She asked. "Samantha's sleeping, so we'll wait to bring her in, although I don't know how interested she'll be in the babies just yet anyway."
"Of course! I'd love to see him, anyhow…" I said. I had developed a sisterly kind of love for the Haynes' two sweet children, and had missed spending evenings with them. Andrea handed Sabra to Nathan on her way out the door, and again a smile appeared on his face. Having nothing to do with my hands, I folded them in my lap and stared at them, feeling self-conscious. But the feeling didn't last for long, as Benjamin came bouncing in, landing ungracefully on the bed.
"Hi, Benny!" I exclaimed, truly glad to see him. "Hi, Julianna!" He replied, jumping into my lap and wrapping his arms around my neck. I winced as he did so, still feeling extreme soreness from the night before, but hugged him back regardless, and Andrea quickly came up behind him and pulled him off the bed.
He pouted for a mere second, then caught sight of Nathan holding Sabra, and curiosity claimed his expression. He creeped over to where Nathan was sitting, and carefully pulled back the blanket that was wrapped around Sabra so that he could see her face. "She's funny looking," He finally decided, and again, we all laughed. "They get a little cuter as they get older, Benny," I promised, and he nodded solemnly, then he tromped over to his father, tugging on his shirt, wordlessly asking for a glimpse at Marcus.
Daniel lowered himself to Benjamin's height to allow him a look at the baby, and Benny seemed even more intrigued this time.
"He's okay looking," he announced after a moment, and I laughed quietly. "It is a he, right?" He asked, turning to me for confirmation. I nodded in amusement. "Okay. So Julianna, are they sort of my niece and nephew, since you are sort of my sister?" He inquired, which sent me into a fit of laughter, but again I nodded. "Yes, Ben, Sabra can be your niece and Marcus can be your nephew," I replied once I had recovered.
"Weird names," Ben said, and walked to the door. "I'm going to go play now, okay?" He said, and didn't wait for an answer. "See you later, Julianna." He ran off and left the 6 of us there, 4 of us smiling in amusement and the 2 babies still sleeping peacefully.
Chapter XIII
Chapter XIV
