Julianna: Chapter XIII
I sunk my toes into the deep green grass and breathed a sigh. It was rare that I found a moment to myself, since the twins were born, but they were both sleeping and I was having a rare case of insomnia, so I had ventured out into the warm night air, seeking peace.
I lay down on the damp grass and stared up at the starry sky, mesmerized by the stars and the bright, golden half moon that had risen very recently from below the horizon. This was pure perfection, I thought to myself, feeling a shiver of wonder despite the warm April air. Well, perfect, besides the fact that Nathan wasn't there beside me.
The scent of roses from the garden drifted on the air, and I breathed it in deeply, thinking back on the last time I had seen him. Since the day after the twins' birth, we had all but overcome the pangs of fear I experienced when he held me, and our times together were only a step away from heaven.
Drops of dew began to transfer from the grass to my dress, so I slowly stood up and meandered towards the garden, wanting to see the source of the sweet perfume I loved. The Haynes' had a small home, but a large amount of acreage behind their house that eventually led to a stream, and they had planted a small rose garden along the stone path that led there.
I had never been in the garden at night before, and as the moonlight spill over the beautiful scene, I wanted to cry for the flawless beauty of it. I closed my eyes and imagined an even more beautiful scene, feeling Nathan's arms wrap around my waist and hearing him whisper the words 'I love you'. Words I had longed to hear for months now.
Then I realized I wasn't imagining a thing, and I yelped. "Nathaniel Eric Traven, how dare you sneak up on me like that?!"
"Shhh, love. Who else were you expecting?" He asked, laughing quietly. "No one! I wasn't even expecting you! And I was just wishing you were here… and then there you were!" I whispered excitedly, practically bouncing in his arms. "Well, I suppose your wishing brought me home," He whispered, brushing a stray hair from my eyes. I opened my mouth to reply, but he quickly covered it with soft lips and drew me into a long kiss that weakened my knees. I melted against him, relishing the now-familiar way my body melded perfectly with his.
"I see you've been lying in the grass again; you're all wet," he laughed breathlessly into my ear once the kiss ended, and laughing, I kissed him again.
"The twins missed you," I said, smiling mischievously. "Oh, just the twins?" He asked, sounding disappointed.
He began walking away, so I ran after him and caught his hand in mine, tugging on it to slow him down. Then I stood on tiptoe and whispered in his ear, "I missed you too, but shh, don't tell." He laughed quietly, and resumed walking again, this time at a leisurely pace I could keep up with.
"So how are the twins?" He asked, showing me that two could play at my game, and I frowned teasingly. "Oh, they're wonderful, they're growing so fast… They certainly keep me busy, and tired," I said, becoming more serious.
He frowned, then put an arm around my shoulders, pulling me closer. "And how are you holding up, Julianna? Are you alright?" The concern in his voice touched me and tears sprung to my eyes. Not tears of sadness or joy in particular, just tears of emotion that I couldn't explain. I blinked them back as quickly as they appeared.
"I… I'm alright, Nathan; it's hard sometimes, of course. They bring me greater joy than I ever would have imagined… But of course it's hard…" I let the sentence trail off into the quiet night and realized that we had stopped walking. He moved to stand in front of me and took both my hands in his, again filling me with some indescribable emotion that was both pure joy and sadness at once.
"I know it's hard, love, no one was ever meant to have children alone, like you have, and you've been incredibly strong through it all. I admire you for your strength."
I drowned in his soft green eyes as they filled with love and understanding, and… yes, admiration. I shook my head, not understanding how he could admire me, how he could love me the way his eyes professed, I felt that I had been anything but strong… but still, those eyes had never lied to me.
"N-Nathan?" I stammered, and blushed as I did so. I had never been one for stammering before. "Yes, Jewel?" He replied, his eyebrows raising. Then my courage failed me, and I shook my head. "Nothing… nothing. Nevermind." I wanted to ask him if he had meant what he said earlier, when he approached me in the garden, but I wasn't even sure if it had been real, or just my imagination.
He frowned and lifted a hand to my cheek, tracing the scar under my eye gently with his index finger. Again, I found myself blinking back tears. This time, he saw them, and held out his arms to me. I melted into them, finding that once I felt his arms around me, I no longer felt the urge to cry, even though my heart had transferred from my chest to my throat. As he ran his fingers through my hair, still holding me incredibly close, I whispered, "thank you…"
"For what?" He whispered back, and hearing the smile in his voice, I pulled away slightly, looking up to catch it on his face. "For making my night perfect," I replied, and needing no further explanation, he kissed the top of my head and pulled me into a tight embrace once again.
Nathan and I strolled through the door hand in hand and found Andrea and Daniel sitting in the front room, talking in hushed tones. But not for long. At the sight of us, Andrea jumped up and rushed to embrace Nathan, squealing in delight. Daniel stood up slowly and smiled in greeting.
"Andrea, sweetheart, shh… All 4 children are sleeping, for once! We wouldn't want to ruin that now, would we?" Dan quietly asked, laughing lightly at his wife's antics. She smiled and sheepishly shook her head.
"What kept you away so long, Nathan?" Andrea implored, finally relinquishing custody of his hands, to my relief. I hadn't been jealous; just … I shook my head, ridding it of the silly thoughts, and reclaimed Nathan's hand, smiling up at him.
He smiled back, then spoke. "It's hard to get away lately. My mother doesn't like me to be gone for long, for some strange reason. She has Charlotte and Katie, and Father to keep her company." Andrea and Daniel both nodded, understanding.
"And what of the late hour? Usually you come before supper," Andrea said, her eyes twinkling mischievously. Nathan laughed sheepishly.
"I admit I do have a weakness for your cooking, Andrea dear. I've been here for a while already, I just…" His voice trailed off and his face turned a deep shade of scarlet. I felt a considerable amount of heat rise in my cheeks as well, and laughed self-consciously.
"Oh, that's alright, Nathan, we understand," Daniel quipped, winking at me, which only resulted in my face growing ever warmer.
I missed the boldness that I had previously possessed, and was working to retrieve it. I hadn't felt more than a hint of it since the twins were conceived; I had become withdrawn and quiet, wrapping myself up in my sorrows, and then, as I began to recover, my demeanor had become so gentle and subdued that I barely recognized myself.
Even with Nathan, who had seemed to be my match in wits and who also seemed to think that most propriety was better done without, I had drawn upon every lady-like cell in my body during the past month or two, not speaking out, not initiating physical contact.
I sighed, wondering if the old me had been completely washed away with all the tears I had shed, if having children had subdued me to the point of no return.
"…Julianna, are you coming?" I heard Andrea ask, startling me out of my thoughts.
"Where to?" I asked, feeling somewhat disoriented. Nathan chuckled, and I turned to him, finding an amused smile lighting his face. "What?" I demanded, frowning, then realized they were all standing, waiting for me to follow them into the kitchen.
"We asked you… a few times… if you'd like to join us for a cup of tea. Are you feeling alright, my dear?" Nathan asked, sounding both amused and concerned at once. I nodded, finally catching on to the situation, and winked at Nathan. The joke was on me, and we all knew it, so I laughed with them as we sat down to talk over warm cups of tea.
Nathan stayed on for nearly a week, boarding at the inn while I stayed at Daniel and Andrea's. I had given up on living at the inn once the babies were born, anyhow. It seemed I was always moving back there for one reason or another, and it was so comforting to have them around all the time, especially since I was constantly in need of help with the twins.
Benjamin demanded Nathan's attention every minute that he was at the house, and when he was distracted with other things, Nathan was often drawn into conversations with Daniel and Andrea, or helping out with Samantha, who was constantly getting into trouble now that she could walk around on her own.
We rarely were able to have a single moment alone, and by the end of the week, I decided to take matters into my own hands. It was only a day until he left again for an indeterminable amount of time. Making sure that Daniel would be home for the day, I went searching for Andrea. She had hired help a month after Doctor Brown ordered me to bed, and the day was not a busy one. I found her in the dining room, penning a long missive. Marcus was asleep in my room, but Sabra was awake and enthusiastically waving her arms and legs about, removing any chance of startling Andrea. She looked up as we entered the room and smiled.
"Hi baby Sabra, how are you today? Sweet little girl…" She cooed, and I smiled at her antics, shaking my head in wonderment. The babies had pulled ridiculous behavior out of me as well, numerous times a day, in fact, and I often found myself pulling faces at them and talking in high-pitched, baby tones.
"Andrea, could you help me prepare a picnic?" I asked, wanting to get straight to the point. She looked up in surprise and gently took Sabra in her arms, bouncing her lightly as she stood up. "A picnic? What for?" She asked, and I smiled sheepishly. Before I could think up a proper answer, she winked knowingly.
"Oh, of course, of course… Nathan's leaving tomorrow!"
I groaned. "Don't remind me, Andrea. We've had nary a moment together since the night he arrived."
"So you're taking him out on a picnic. Sounds like fun!" She exclaimed, laughing.
I shook my head and stuck my tongue out at her, feeling childish as I did so, but the feeling wasn't wholly unpleasant. "Yes, Andee, I am going to ask him to accompany me on a picnic. I'll be taking the twins with me, so don't worry about that. I still feel uncomfortable leaving them…"
"Oh, I would be fine with watching them, Julianna, you know that. With Daniel home and the hired help, I have plenty of time on my hands."
I laughed at her comment, knowing it was only half-true, then sobered somewhat. "I know, but I still get nervous… it's only been two months, they're still young… I don't know."
I frowned, not knowing how else to explain my qualms about ever leaving the twins. It was just a nagging fear that never left me, even when I left them for only a few minutes when they were sleeping; I rushed to check on them the moment I walked back in the door. I was tempted to hold them even while they were asleep, but my arms ached as it was, and I knew I couldn't be so overly protective.
Andrea's voice brought me back to the present. "That's fine, you take them with you. I just hope they're asleep so that you and Nathan can actually have some time to yourselves… I'll help you prepare some food," She said, smiling brightly. I blushed at her open-ness about Nathan and I, wondering how very obvious we really were, and sighed.
"Nathan?" I ventured quietly, not wanting to disturb the sweet scene I had found upon entering the living room - Samantha was fast asleep on his lap, and he was rocking slowly with his eyes shut, but I could tell he was awake. His eyes flew open, and as his gaze rested on my face, he smiled.
"Oh, Julianna… Good afternoon." The pleasant tone of his voice encouraged me, and I walked to his side so that we could talk without disturbing the sleeping baby. He reached an arm out and pulled me in for a quick kiss, then released me, seeing the look on my face.
"What's wrong, love?" He asked, frowning. How quickly my mood had changed from cheerful to dismal! I shook my head in dismay. "I… well, you're leaving tomorrow, and we've hardly had a single moment together since you arrived a week ago…" My voice trailed off, and I sighed at the sound of my voice. I hated to whine, it was so unbecoming, and so unlike me. But rather than being disgusted, he smiled gently at me. Sadly.
"Oh, Jewel, I know. I shall miss you… I was hoping…" He paused for a second, and I broke in without thinking.
"Nathan, would you please accompany me on a picnic this afternoon? I would have to bring the twins along, but I thought it would be nice to spend some time together before you… leave." My last word was barely audible, and tears sprung to my eyes.
Slowly, he stood up and carefully placed Samantha in her crib, then, I melted into his offered arms. "My sweet Jewel, of course I will. I had hoped that we could spend more time together this time, but it seemed that I was always needed here or there…" He sighed and gently kissed my forehead.
"I need you, Nathan," I whispered, surprised at my confession. I didn't want to think of myself as reliant on him, but in a way, I was, and somehow it seemed alright.
"Oh, Jewel, I know… I'm sorry. I need you too, it's been unbearably hard not to just forget everything else and run to your side," He whispered back, and I nearly cried when I heard his words.
He needed me? Me? I thought in disbelief. He didn't need me; I was simply a burden. I pushed that thought away as quickly as it came, angry that I could think such a thing, and listened to his heartbeat, resting my head on his solid chest.
Suddenly, a baby's cry emitted from down the hall, and I sighed, pulling away reluctantly. "I'd best go see to him," I said quietly.
"Whenever you're ready, Julianna, we can go," Nathan said gently, briefly embracing me once again before I ran down the hall to see to Marcus' needs. After I changed his diaper, I sat down on the bed and nursed him, frowning to myself. A simple picnic with him was all I'd have … until who knew when. I always felt a pit of dread in my stomach when I thought of him leaving, knowing how very little time we actually had together… and I always wondered, in the back of my mind, if he'd really come back each time.
"It's so peaceful here," I sighed, glad that I had made the decision I had. We were done eating, and sat side by side, hand in hand. All thoughts of his departure had vanished, and I thought only of the present. Nathan nodded his agreement. "Beautiful. I've always loved the sound of water, it's comforting…" He said, his gaze wandering from the lovely scene to the baby in his arms.
"Are you sure you needed to bundle them up so, Julianna?" Nathan asked. "It seems very warm to me."
I smirked at him, knowing he was right. "It is warm, I just want to be careful. Marcus seems somewhat frail… I'm sure that Sabra would be fine, she's so robust and healthy… but, I just want to be careful," I repeated. He smiled understandingly, and bent over to kiss Sabra's sleeping head. "They're so precious, I can understand why you would want to take every precaution," he said quietly. I nodded, glad that he understood. "Yes, every precaution," I sighed.
He stood up carefully, then offered his free hand to me, helping me rise. "Shall we?" He asked, and I smiled. We walked to the baby carriage and placed the sleeping babies in it, then began walking. Nathan pushed the carriage with one hand, and then offered his other to me, which I gladly took.
Sighing, I began to contemplate his departure. I squeezed his hand lightly and walked somewhat closer, knowing how I would miss the feeling of security that holding his hand provided. Knowing I would miss… everything. My thoughts drifted back to the night that he had arrived, the beauty of it all… and my confusion.
Had he said the three words that I had heard so softly in my mind? No, I decided… He hadn't even hinted at the idea, and hadn't said a word about it since. I frowned and sighed, drawing a concerned glance from Nathan. I smiled back reassuringly, then returned to my musings, almost regretting the way my thoughts were running wild, wishing I could be talking to Nathan instead. But I knew if I spoke then, everything would come rushing out, and… I shook my head and sighed again.
I knew I loved him. I knew it with a surety I'd never felt before… but I didn't know if he loved me, and I had to know before he left. Or at least I had to tell him, because if he didn't come back I would never have the chance again, and I couldn't risk that. But then, if he didn't come back I would be deliberately letting myself lose someone I loved yet again. Perhaps if I didn't say the words, it wouldn't hurt so badly when he disappeared from my life… I let a low moan escape my lips, bewildered at my runaway train of thought, then quickly squelched it when Nathan stopped walking.
"What's wrong, Julianna? You look troubled."
I frowned and walked to the front of the carriage, checking on the twins as an excuse not to answer just yet. Before I raised my head, I plastered a somewhat fake smile on my face and said, "I'm fine, Nathan, really."
"No, there's something…" He said, frowning. He pulled me to the shade of a nearby willow tree and took my hands in his after securing the carriage. I couldn't meet his eyes, nor could I speak. "What's wrong, my Jewel, what has you so troubled?" He asked gently, and I sighed, touched at the concern in his voice. "I… don't want you to leave," I finally choked out, my voice trembling, and my eyes filling with tears as I did so. At my words, he pulled me in to embrace me and kissed my forehead.
"Ah, I don't wish to leave you either, Julianna. And we have had so little time together… But I'll return, you know that, don't you?" He asked, tilting my chin up to look at my face.
"I… don't know," I whispered miserably. Tears began streaming down my face unbidden, releasing every pent-up emotion that I'd felt recently.
"Oh dear, sweet Julianna… There's something else, isn't there?" Nathan said. I merely nodded, then rested my head on his chest, trying to focus on the landscape that lay spread out in splendor before us.
The sun was shining, barely a cloud in the perfect blue sky. A breeze just barely unsettled the acres of grass, trees, and wildflowers, and through a tiny grove of oaks, the sun lit on the stream, casting a silvery sparkle about the entire vicinity. Pressing closer to Nathan, I felt him take in a sharp breath, amazed, as I was, at how perfect the scenery really was.
My tears subsided slightly as I stood in wonder. But as my thoughts returned to the present, I again burst into tears, wondering if I would ever be able to tell him my feelings as wholly as I felt them. Nathan peered down at me, gently brushing away the tears as they came. Finally, he led me to a nearby stone and seated me on it, determined to coax the rest of it out of me.
"Julianna, love, please tell me what is troubling you so. I cannot leave you in such emotional turmoil…"
I shook my head, blinking back more approaching tears. "I… don't know how to tell you, N-Nathan, it's not even important, I j-just…" My shaky voice trailed off. I didn't know what else to say, but I knew I couldn't say exactly what was on my mind. "Of course I'll come back," he'd say, and then I would be embarrassed. What would he say if he knew I loved him so intensely? What effect would those three, seemingly simple but ever so difficult words have on him? My thoughts were interrupted by Nathan's voice.
"Julianna," He said, firmly, but patiently, kneeling next to me. I gazed down at him, entranced by his eyes, my tears finally coming to a complete halt.
"Please. I'll never be able to rest if I don't find out what is troubling you so."
Beholden to his shimmering green eyes, I finally spoke. "Nathan, I have to tell you this now, because I'm afraid you won't be back," I whispered, and his eyes widened. "I…" He began, but I interrupted.
"Wait. I know it sounds silly, but everyone I have cared for so far has been taken from me in some way or another." My voice still shook, and held the breathy quality that was always present after I cried.
Nathan sighed, and wordlessly gathered me into his arms once again, allowing me to continue.
"I… I feel very foolish, Nathan, and I have no idea how you'll respond to this. I'm not sure I can bring myself to say it. I fear… I fear that somehow, it will make you vulnerable to some evil, being put in the category of…"
"Julianna, it's alright. You can tell me anything, you know," he whispered in my ear.
I sniffled and frowned, feeling a pit of fear and anticipation in my stomach, then pressed onward; knowing it was now or never.
"Nathan, I just wanted to say… to say…" I hesitated, feeling an enormous lump gather in my throat.
"To say?" He said quietly, smiling down at me. His smile encouraged me, and I braced myself for his response.
"Nathan, I love you."
More Chapters...
Chapter XIV
