Julianna: Chapter XIV
Something akin to shock flickered in his eyes, and I held my breath. His forehead creased in concentration, and his eyes sought the ground. The butterflies in my stomach grew into something larger and more violent, and I felt sick…
"Nathan…" I whispered, but not of my own will.
"J-Julianna…" He stammered, "I… I don't want to say I don't feel the same affection for you, b-but there are some things I must work through before I can say … before I can commit to that," he said quietly, unexplainable fear dancing in his eyes.
I nodded slowly, digesting his words. Finally, I whispered, "alright… that's fine."
Avoiding his eyes, I turned to check on Sabra and Marcus, who, miraculously, were still sleeping. Deciding that I had cried enough, agonized over this man who didn't seem to love me, I nodded once more and began pushing the carriage towards the stone path.
"Julianna! You know I care for you, you know that…" His voice trailed off… it sounded so agonized. I barely paused, feeling the urge to turn around run into his arms… I loved it when he held me. But no more… I shook off the notion and walked faster.
Finally, I found my voice. "Nathan, I care for you, but I can't let myself have false hopes. I have two children to care for…" I let my voice trail off along with my train of thought, and mentally fed the anger coursing through my veins. It would keep me strong until I found stability on my own. I was too dependent. Far too dependent.
Catching up to me, Nathan pulled me into his arms, despite my loud protests, and the force of his grasp re-awakened the fear in me that I had seemed to overcome.
"Julianna, don't do this! I do love you… there is …a difficult situation at home…" He stopped speaking as he saw the look in my eyes, and quickly let go of me, stepping away. "I'm… I'm sorry, love, I…"
I shook my head and walked away as fast as the cumbersome carriage allowed, leaving him standing helpless, the gorgeous, perfect scene turned to misery, like crystalline white snow to slush.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Finally returning, I carefully pulled the twins out of the carriage and carried them inside, depositing them in their cribs less than gracefully. I sat down on my bed stiffly, and sighed heavily. Where had I found the courage to tell him what I had, and why had it all been for naught? I didn't understand… but I knew that I couldn't let myself despair over it.
I loved Nathan with all my heart, but my responsibility… was the twins… I had to take care of them and no disappointment would keep me from it.
Just as I began to relax slightly, I realized that both babies were crying, most likely hungry. Sighing, I mumbled to myself, "welcome back to the real world…"
I picked up Marcus first and lay him on the bed, then picked up Sabra and lay her next to him, frowning. It wasn't a rare occurrence to have them both awake and hungry at the same time, but it was still a stressful thing and every time, I wondered what to do.
Suddenly, I felt the slight urge to let them cry, and weep along with them. How had I let any of this happen? Clearing my vision with a shake of my head and a few rapid blinks, I picked up Marcus and began feeding him, tickling Sabra to keep her happy until Marcus was satisfied.
Scooting further onto the bed, I leaned against the wall and sighed. How had I allowed myself to become so weak? So dependent? I had been strong-willed, independent… perhaps a bit too much so at times, but it was better than the way I was now. My personality seemed to have fled me, and I had become yet another face in the crowd, another fainting, helpless female.
I rolled my eyes in disgust, and nearly laughed at the gesture. It was something I hadn't done for quite a while!
Sabra began to whimper again, so I carefully lay a somewhat calmer Marcus down on the bed and bounced her in my weary arms. Even at two months, they seemed to have grown so much, and my arms and back were already suffering from it. I quickly turned my mind to other things, knowing that if I didn't focus on the ache, it wouldn't matter.
That was the solution to everything, it seemed… That's right, Julianna, don't focus on the ache, turn your mind to other things… I told myself silently.
And don't talk to yourself…
I sighed and looked down at Sabra, then Marcus… both happily cooing at me and showing hints of smiles, treasures they only fully revealed in their sleep thus far. This was where I would find my happiness, my peace in life. They would, likely, be the only children I would ever have, and I fully intended to make the best out of it.
Forcing myself to smile, I bent down and tickled Marcus, drawing a giggle from him, causing his green eyes to light up… and fill me with both joy and loneliness. They were so like Nathan's eyes… The father he would never have. Would I ever rid myself of this man… the man whom my thoughts turned to with no warning, day and night?
Would I ever stop loving him so much that my arms ached to hold him forever, so much that my heart begged to be one with his? Yes, you must! I firmly told myself, but there was an opposing voice in my restless mind. Never.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Julianna… Julianna?" The soft female voice drew me from sleep… I'd fallen asleep? I opened my eyes and found myself looking at Andrea's concerned face.
"Oh, Andrea…" I sat up and instinctively made sure that Marcus and Sabra were beside me. Sabra was, but…
"Marc… Oh, you have him." I said, blushing. Andrea was standing beside my bed, bouncing him lightly and frowning at me. "Julianna, did something happen?"
She was far too intuitive! I shook my head and sighed. "No, nothing important… has Nathan gone?"
"Yeeessss," She drew out the word indefinitely.
"And?" I prompted, then smacked myself inwardly for it.
"He seemed rather upset, he said the same thing as you did. 'NOTHIINNG'," she mocked in a whiny voice, then placed her hands on her hips. "I WILL get to the bottom of this," she said, shaking her head.
She then sat down on the bed next to me, placed Marcus in my arms and hugged me, her mood changing drastically. "And you will be alright. Just trust that everything will turn out like it should. It always does, eventually…" She said, then pulled back and smiled at me.
I attempted a smile in return, but failed miserably. She embraced me again and then left me alone… No, I wasn't alone. I had two sweet spirits there with me, and they'd always be with me. They had to be, because they were the only thing I was living for. I couldn't lose them as I had everyone else. Literally everyone. I shook my head and smiled down at Marcus, determined to find my happiness in the tiny faces that lay before me.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"I just feel so… empty," I moaned quietly to Mary, and she nodded sympathetically.
"You're missing a part of you. Of course you feel empty."
I frowned at her. "He's not a part of me, Mary, and he can't be. It's not fair, but that's how it has to be… It just can't work," I sighed plaintively. I hadn't allowed myself to speak of Nathan for a month, but I could keep nothing from Mary, and so sitting there on her bed, I'd poured out the entire story.
"It could, you know, Jewel. It could. Why didn't you try to find out what kept him from proclaiming his love for you?" She asked, taking my hands in hers as I glanced at the crib by the bed, making sure Marcus was still asleep, and listening closely to be sure that Sabra was fine downstairs with Mrs. Moore.
Turning my attention back to Mary, I frowned.
"It CAN'T, Mary. Do you have any idea what he'd be taking on? A family of three, and a woman who can't seem to put herself back together. I'll probably NEVER completely get over all of this, and I've accepted that, but I know he wouldn't… and I'm quite sure that whatever kept him from telling me he loved me… was… valid," I finished lamely.
"I don't think he'd mind the family, Julianna, he seemed quite taken with the babies last time I saw him. And you, as well. You're right, it would be hard, but I suggest that you find out what exactly is going on, because if you don't you'll never be at peace about all of this," Mary said, smiling gently.
She was so maddeningly right, but I didn't want to accept it. Silence followed, and I deliberated, wondering what to do. In a flurry of thought, the answer came to me, and my heart constricted. No, no, I couldn't do that… but I had to.
"Mary, could you take Marcus and have your mother help you dress them properly to go out, while I go saddle up the horses?" I asked, rising from my seat on the bed. "Oh, and get ready to go, too, I'll need your help."
She frowned up at me with a quizzical expression, and I just smiled. "I keep telling myself I need to be a little bolder, Mary… I sorely miss that part of me."
But as we rode towards Lord Beaumont's estate, I felt anything BUT bold, and began to question my actions. How would seeing Nathan again affect me, knowing the effect he had on me every time I'd seen him before? And what would I tell Lord Beaumont when I showed up on his doorstep, asking for his Nephew? I was sure Nathan didn't live with him, but was also sure he would know where I could find him.
Drawing in a sharp breath, I tried to relax, but ineffectively, and glanced over at Mary, who was holding Marcus. She was as fidgety as I was, but kept herself occupied with keeping a squirmy 3 month old on the horse, directing the horse, and keeping all three of them happy at the same time. I was dealing with the same thing, and Sabra was 10 times more rambunctious than Marcus was, but I barely noticed. I was used to taking them on rides with Andrea and I.
"Jewel, it's alright."
Mary's voice startled me out of my reverie, and I smiled at her in an automatic response.
"I know, Mary," I replied, although I felt very differently. She nodded silently, and I realized how much I had missed her quiet, understanding nature. Well, quiet, except when she got excited. I laughed quietly. Life at the Haynes' home had begun to feel so secluded after I recovered fully from the birth of the twins that I'd finally decided to return to the city for a few weeks to visit… and perhaps even stay.
Sighing, I took in my surroundings and realized that we were only perhaps a quarter of a mile from the huge mansion that Nathan's uncle called his own.
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