Chapter XVI
I wasn't quite sure what to think when I walked back into the library with Nathan to find Lisa crying unabashedly, her elegance crumbled as she slumped in a chair, face in hands, dress askew. My first impulse, strangely, was to comfort her, but the impulse passed as quickly as it came over me.
I looked up at Nathan, still confused, still needing answers… but he wasn't paying attention. He was staring at Lisa, and the expression on his face was heartbreaking. It was love that he felt for her, but it was not the same kind of love I saw in his eyes when he looked at me… but still, I was angry. How could he have kept this from me?
I bit my lip, afraid of the biting remark that lay on the tip of my tongue. My stomach churned as I stood there, the only sound breaking the oppressing silence was Lisa's quiet sniffles, and the beating of my own heart, which I heard quite vividly in my ears.
Finally, I spoke, unable to bear the lack of resolve.
"So what happens now?"
It seemed an almost callous and casual statement to be making, but still the question that we were all asking in our minds. As Nathan turned his gaze on me, frustration and confusion were apparent in his eyes. "You don't know, of course," I whispered, shaking my head. Nothing would ever be resolved, it seemed. Were we to forever play this charade?
Would any one of us walk out the door with some resolve, some surety? But then, my life had never been full of storybook endings. In fact, every aspect of my life was far from being ideal, far from the happy myths of fairytales.
Silence enveloped the room, and the tension in the air was thick… I frowned and glanced at Lisa, who had stopped crying and simply sat, face in hands… Nathan took a small step towards her, then halted as she looked up and straightened her back.
"Nathan, you and I are promised to each other, you can't just break it off! We'll see what happens when I talk to your Uncle about this," she huffed, then stood and stalked out of the room.
I watched as she slammed the door behind her, amazed at the how she had transformed so quickly, regaining her haughty stance and attitude.
Once again, Nathan and I were alone in the library. I was confused, angry, and yet… I wanted so much for him to take me in his arms and tell me everything would be all right, the way he had so many times before.
And it had been so long…
I frowned, momentarily wondering how Mary was handling the twins in the next room. I had handed both of them off to her as I followed Nathan into the library once again, grasping the tiny bit of hope that he had given me.
As I thought about the conversation that had followed, something hit me.
"Nathan? What will your uncle do when he finds out…?" I asked, feeling slightly sick from the ordeal, and still queasy with worry and anticipation.
He sighed and sank down onto the couch.
"I don't know, Julianna… and I'm not sure I'd want to know, either. He'll be angry, for sure. Lisa and I have been engaged for over a year, since before I met you… he wanted me to marry someone of … importance… wealthy, like him." He shook his head sadly, and I frowned down at him.
"You've been engaged for over a year, and you never told me?" I asked quietly, trying to resist the urge to scream at him.
He nodded silently, and as he stared at the ground, I stared at him, scanning over the features I had memorized so long ago, and the face I loved so well… How I loved those green eyes, eyes that seemed so sad and empty now. I choked down a sob that rose in my throat as I stood there, missing him desperately even has he sat, only a few feet away from me.
I studied his quiet elegance, the finery of his attire, his regal features… and knew that I had none of that, felt that I had no place in his life. I would be lost in it. And yet, in him, I had found myself, the world, and so much more. I could not let go.
And I did not. I placed myself beside him, and he finally raised his eyes to meet mine, which completely broke any resolve I had left in me.
"Nathan, what shall we do?" I whispered. Without answer, he placed his arm around me and tugged me close, and I rested my head on his shoulder, feeling such comfort and peace in his embrace… such as I never knew without him. He took my hand in his, pressed it to his lips and sighed.
"Dear Julianna, I've no idea what we shall do… but I know whatever I do, I must not leave you ever again, and you must not leave me, for my soul could not bear the parting, after this reunion… after such a long time. My heart is empty without you."
"I will not desert you, Nathan, I could not…" I whispered, overwhelmed by his confession… yet, I still needed answers.
"But Nathaniel, I deserve an explanation… please, I must know everything."
"Of course, I should have told you long ago, Juli… there is no explanation for my behavior, no excuse," he said softly, repentant.
"Yes, long ago, Nathan… But you can tell me now, I'm listening."
As we sat there, he unfolded the story, bringing understanding to me, finally. He told me how, typically, his parents had promised him to Lisa Fontaine when they had lived in England. Their families had been friends for years, since before Nathan and Lisa were born, and Lisa had always been Nathan's friend… or, as he said, more like a sister. But he knew nothing of love, and never resisted when his parents asked him to propose, never questioned until he'd met me…
"For fear of losing you, although I had no idea how I was to get out of this mess, I did not tell you, though I should have. You had a right to know, Jewel…" He said sadly, pulling me ever closer as he concluded the story.
"But it's not over, is it, Nathan?"
"No, love, the confrontation with my parents will not be easy… nor will it be easy to fully explain the situation to Lisa… I do love her, Julianna, but as a sister, not a wife."
"And… you love me?" I asked, unable to resist… I wanted to hear him say it again, I wanted more affirmation.
"More than life itself, Juli, more than anything. We will get through this, and we will no longer be apart… Yes, Julianna… I love you."
Smiling, I sat up and turned to look into his eyes.
"I love you too, Nathan… with all my heart… and now, everything will be all right, won't it?"
I sounded like a child, needing such comfort, but Nathan simply smiled and nodded, pulling me into a kiss.
"Everything will be wonderful," he murmured against my lips, and I believed, although I knew the words held no promise for happily ever after, they were a comfort.
And truly, they did not, and it was not the end, but at that moment, I felt certain that everything would be fine, no matter what the trials we would encounter. As long as I had Nathan, I would be fine.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Somehow, I found myself standing with Nathan, hand in hand, confronted by his mother, his father, and Lord Beaumont. His mother was in quite a state, alternating screaming at him and lamenting with loud, over-exaggerated sobs. His father stood, quietly fuming, which disturbed me more than any yelling or crying. Nathan's uncle finally spoke, in tense, quiet tones.
"Nathaniel Traven, how dare you do this!"
It was more a statement than a question, and Nathan did not answer, simply stood and stared him in the eye, which was more than I had the nerve to do.
"You… have… no… right!" Lady Traven finally sobbed, sniffling in between every word.
Nathan inhaled sharply, and I turned my gaze to his face. He was absolutely rigid, tense… and my heart went out to him. I squeezed his hand, and he relaxed slightly, without altering his gaze or posture at all. He squeezed back, and I sighed. What would it take to gain this family's acceptance? Would nothing ever change their attitude towards me? Well, what I was about to do would probably set firm their distaste for me.
Stepping forward, I took a deep breath and collected myself before these strangers, then began to speak with as much conviction as I could muster.
"Lord and Lady Traven, Lord Beaumont… please hear me out. Your son is a good man, and it's no wonder that you would like him to marry someone of such stature and grace as Miss Fontaine. But… by some strange fluke, he chose me, which I shall be eternally grateful for, and I do hope it is not the cause of too much inconvenience…" I paused, aware of the more-than-slightly bitter undertones in my voice, and the indignant, hostile stares I was receiving. Nathan gently pulled me slightly closer to him, and I sighed.
"I don't know how much you love your dear son and nephew, but I love him more than life itself… what more could you want for him? I believe he loves me too. No, I am not wealthy, and perhaps many think I am shameful, having two children out of wedlock, but those are the people who are so haughty that they never took the time to understand, only the time to gossip and judge. Perhaps those people are you, I don't know… but please, try to accept me, try to accept Nathan's choice."
I frowned and glanced around the room, afraid that my little speech had had either a negative or no effect at all.
Lady Traven's sobs had completely disappeared, as if she had forgotten she was upset. Lord Beaumont still looked a bit huffy, but Nathan's father looked thoughtful, peaceful even.
"Well, Miss Christian, has Nathaniel even properly proposed to you yet? Asked for your hand?"
I ventured a tiny smile, and a glance at Nathan's face. He was staring down at me, with that look of love and wonder in his eyes that I had been so accustomed to… How I'd missed him!
"No, Father, I have not. Shameful of me, isn't it?" He said quietly, and his mother made a loud sound of disbelief.
"Shameful of you to even consider being wed to this girl, Nathan," she cried in distress.
Suddenly, I realized that all this time, I had just assumed he and I would be together, live out our lives as man and wife, though I had never even considered marriage to him. Strange, it was.
But as Lady Traven stalked out of the room, I saw a twinkle appear in Lord Traven's eyes, and his lips curved upward slightly, reminding me of Nathan when he was up to something mischievous. I smiled back, then turned to kiss Nathan on the cheek and whisper in his ear, "Well, he's right, you haven't properly proposed yet!"
Turning the same mischievous smile on me, I finally saw some semblance of happiness appear in his eyes, and he kissed my forehead.
"Well, we shall have to do something about that, won't we?"
