Chapter One: No More/Wherever He Ain't
Prologue:
We didn't even yell. It was like a quiet battle going on between us within those four walls that night. I don't quite remember what it was all about, I just knew, in the instant that the door slammed, that it was the end of "us". What I didn't see, was that it would be the beginning of something else.
Chapter One:
No more, no, never again would I give of myself so freely. And I promised myself that I wouldn't miss him. I would be angry though. I wanted to be far away, as far as possible. Wherever he wasn't was where I wanted to be! People say that someday you'll remember the good times, but right then I didn't remember them at all. I didn't think I ever would. I only remembered the fights, the misunderstandings, the jealousy, and how weak I was.
"No more." I whispered the words aloud, and felt weaker and stronger at once. I saw that my delusional dream of happily ever after and a life full of perfection had just shattered, but I told myself not to mourn, I didn't have time for that. I had to move on, be strong, and be the kind of woman he never let me be. And I would be. But that night, I wept.
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I awoke the next morning after a fitful sleep. Visions of he and I haunted me until finally I had had enough, and thankfully, it was morning. I opened my eyes slightly and immediately wanted to close them again. They were red and puffy and sore from crying, and when I remembered why, I let out a tiny whimper. Oh, I disgusted myself! It was over, there was nothing I could do about it, so why dwell on it? But the sun was coming through the window, shining in my eyes and it hurt, even with them closed, so I rolled out of bed and walked into the bathroom to brush my teeth. When I looked in the mirror, I groaned, my second pathetic sound that morning. I looked terrible, but besides that, the words "I love you" were written in the top left-hand corner in soap. After staring at them for a second I mentally shook myself, pulled out a rag and started cleaning it off.
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After showering and getting dressed I drove to work quietly, listening to the songs on the radio rather than singing along like I usually did. They were all love songs, every one of them! I kept flipping dials until finally I gave up and turned it off. Wasn't there anything else in this world that people felt so strongly about? Couldn't they write songs about something besides meeting the man of their dreams, being in love, breaking up? Couldn't they write about something like friendship? Suddenly, it hit me that I had even lost that. Being so wrapped up in my little love nest had caused me to ignore and neglect the friends I had before I had met HIM. I couldn't even let myself think his name anymore. I felt a wave of bitterness hit me like a slap in the face. How could I have let that happen? Now I had no one to turn to, and my friends would probably never take me back after how I had acted toward them. Men were a curse that was for sure. As I looked back, thinking about all the men I'd had in my life previously, I was thoroughly appalled at both them and myself. They had all been liars, making me promises that I foolishly had expected them to keep. Well, I wouldn't subject myself to that anymore! I'd learned my lesson this time. Yes, I would protect my heart and my soul. I would never open up to anyone like that again. I knew better now! Filled with resolve, I drove more purposefully toward my destination. That was when I realized that I'd missed the exit.
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