"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981 "Apple" (c) Copyright 1767, Sir Isaac Newton. "Call waiting", great if you have two friends Conclusion: the place where you got tired of thinking I do not think you will accept my help, as I'm waiting to kill you "Junior, quit playing with your floppy!" "May you live all the days of your life." Swift "She's so fat that when she sings, it's over." "Silly wabbit, QWKs are for kids." "Toto, I don't think we're in DOS anymore..." $$$$$$$$ Money is the root of all wealth $$$$$$$$ (A)bort (R)etry (I)nfluence with large hammer Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. --- A naked man fears no pickpocket --- <----- The information went data way -----> 1 + 2 = 3; Therefore, 4 + 5 = 6. 1 Minute Shut Mouth Worth 1 Hour Explanation 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2. 2 wrongs don't make a right - but 3 lefts do! 2 wrongs don't make right but 3 rights make left 2+2=3.999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 2+2=5... It HAS to, the computer says so. A .45 beats a royal flush EVERY TIME A clean, neat, desk is a sign of a sick mind. A clear conscience is merely the result of bad memory. A closed mouth gathers no feet. A father is a banker provided by nature. A fool and his money is my kind of customer! A friend in need is a pest indeed. A girl a day keeps the wife away. A good pun is its own reword. A husband is a lover who pushed his luck too far. A penny earned is Cheap labor.. A penny for your thoughts; $20 to act it out A penny saved is a penny earned. The rest is the IRS's. A pessimist complains about the noise when opportunity knocks. A pill a day keeps the stork away. A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago. A waist is a terrible thing to mind. A wok is what you throw at a wabbit. Above all else -- sky. Above all things, reverence yourself Abstain from beans. Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder. Abstract Art,n.A product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered. Accidents cause people. Air bags...Inflation we can live with! All men are born equal. The tough job is to outgrow it. All programmers want arrays. Always forgive your enemies. They -HATE- that! An honest politician is one who, when bought, stays bought. An optimist is a guy without much experience... An optimist laughs to forget... a pessimist forgets to laugh. An ounce of pretention's worth a pound of manure... Anarchists of the world-- UNITE!! And on the seventh day He took an aspirin. And that, my lord, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shaped. And, pray tell, whose imagination are you a figment of? Answers: $1, Short: $5, Correct: $25, dumb looks are still free. Antenna coupling: insect foreplay ANTIQUE STRIPPER TO DISPLAY WARES AT STORE Any given program, when running, is obsolete. Any IC protected by a fast acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first. Any job worth doing is worth complaining about. Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. Anything free is worth what you pay for it. Apathy Error: Don't bother striking any key. Appreciate me now - and avoid the rush. Arabs wear turbines on their heads Architecture is the art of how to waste space. Are you sure (N/N)? Artificial intelligence. Natural stupidity. Artificial Intelligence: The other guy's opinion. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing. As confused as a termite in a yo-yo As easy as 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716 As for me, all I know is that I know nothing. As I said before, I NEVER repeat myself! As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong? ASCII stupid question...get a stupid ANSI. Asphault = Proctologist's malpractice insurance Aspirin is an OK contraceptive, hold it between the knees. Asset: a female ass -- Andrew P. Ostergaard Atheism is a non-prophet organization. Atheistic dyslexics don't believe in a Dog Auctioneer, n. The man who proclaims with a hammer that he has picked a pocket with his tongue. Baby Philosophy - If it stinks, change it. Back up my hard disk? I can't find the reverse switch! Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic Backup not found: (P) Panic (Any Other Key) Panic. Bad Credit? No Credit? No Problem. No Money? Problem. Bad Girl: nothing but a good girl found out. Bad is never good until worse happens Bad luck is being run over by the welcome wagon. Be alert, the world needs more lerts. Be sure not to start a tagline you can't fi Beam me up Scotty. This isn't the men's room. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.... Beauty is skin deep, ugly goes to the bone. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. Before you louse something up, THIMK! Being paranoid doesn't mean they _aren't_ out to get you! Being young is...I don't remember anymore! Between two evils, always pick the one you never tried before. Biggest security gap -- an open mouth. Black holes are where God forgot to cancel the infinities Black Holes were created when God divided by zero! Blessed are the pessimists; they make backups! Bo knows Taglines! Bo knows your girlfriend. Bored at 3:00 a.m.? PSSSTTT - got a modem? Brain: The apparatus with which we think that we think. BREAKFAST.COM Halted .... Cereal port not responding! Breaking Windows isn't just for kids anymore.... Breast size times I.Q. is constant. Bud said,`Let there be lite' and there was Lite. Bugs are Sons of Glitches. Bush/Quayle ERROR: Division by zero. But what if I'm a figment of MY imagination? Buy a Mac. It can do SOMETHING right. By all means, let's not confuse ourselves by the facts. C code. C code run. Run, code, run.... PLEASE! C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit. C programmers don't have the BASIC instincts. C++ programmers earn money by inheritence. CA Driving: To Change lanes, first pull out your 9mm.. Camptown Races, 6837.6 Meters Long. Do Dah! Capital Punishment: the income tax. Caution: Breathing may be hazardous to your health. Chaperone: a form of fire extinguisher. Charity: a thing that begins at home and usually stays there. Check book: a book with a unhappy ending. Chemists never die -- they just stop reacting. Chevrolet, Heartbreak of America. Chipmunks roasting on an open fire... Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint him. Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular. Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery. COBOL.....(C)ompiles (O)nly (B)ecause (O)f (L)uck Cocaine isn't habit forming. I should know -- I've been using it for years. Coffee in England is just toasted milk. Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum--I think that I think, therefore I think that I am. Cogito ergo spud: I think therefore I yam. Cole's law--thinly sliced cabbage. College don't make fools; they only develop them. Com'on folks, get a life! It's all just 1s & 0s! Committee--a group that keeps minutes and waste hours. Common malady: Diarrhea of mouth + constipation of brain Common sense is the uncommonest sense of all... Condominiums are not effective birth control. Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career. Consider your reputation. Try changing your name and moving to a new town. Conversation: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener. Copyright 1991 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved. Counting in binary is just like counting in decimal if you are all thumbs. Coup de grace -- French for lawnmower? Courage is fear that has said its prayers. Coward: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. Crime does not pay... as well as politics. Critical error: (S)hout, (S)mash, (B)uy a mac. Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt? Cure for baldness: Put on your hat! Cynic: One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye. Dafynition #287: TSR=Trash System Randomly Daisies of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but your chains. Dancing with Wolves, Sleeping with beavers Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie. Deadlines amuse me. Death cures cancer. Death has been proven to be 99 per cent fatal in laboratory rats. Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down. Death: to stop sinning suddenly. Defenders only...prosecutors will be violated. DEFINE: De ting you get for breaking de law. Despite of the cost of living, it remains popular. DESQview does Windoze. DESQview: Windex for Windows Diagonally parked in a parallel universe. Did you know that rats can't vomit? Did you know that SATAN is an anagram for SANTA? Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it. Difference between a virus & windows? Viruses never fail. Difference between men & boys is the price of their toys Diplomacy--the art of letting someone have your way. Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art. Dishonor will not trouble me, once I am dead. Do artificial plants need artificial water? Do files get embarassed being unZIPped ? Do HD's sneeze when they catch a virus? Do molecular biologists wear designer genes? Do Not Attempt to Traverse a Chasm in Two Leaps. Do not be led astray onto the path of virtue. Do not believe everything you hear or anything you say. Do not believe in miracles. Rely on them. Do not drink coffee in the morning or it will keep you awake until noon. Do not kiss an elephant on the lips today. Do not put statements in the negative form. Do Quarter Horses have only one leg???? Do unto others before others do unto you --T. Stephen Markham Do you always hit the nail right on the thumb?. Do you know what floccinaucinihilipilification means? Do you love me for my brain or my baud? Docs? Why would I want to look at the Docs. Nurses are better :) Documentation - The worst part of programming. Does "Bad FAT" mean disk has high cholesterol? Does killing time harm eternity? Dogs crawl under gates, software under Windows. Doing it the hard way is always easier. Doing nothing makes you tired 'cause you can't take a break. Doing Windows in C is a pane in the glass. Dollar: the jack of all trades. Don't ask me what the score is. I'm not even sure what the game is! Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain. Don't eat yellow snow. Don't force it, use a bigger hammer Don't happy, be worry! Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon. Don't judge a book by its movie. Don't let school interfere with your education. Don't look now, but there is a multi--legged creature on your shoulder Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. Don't open the darkroom door; it lets all the dark out. Don't play "stupid" with me... I'm better at it! Don't question authority, he doesn't know either. Don't read everything you believe. Don't steal, the government doesn't like the competition. Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done. Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice. Don't use commas, which, aren't necessary. Don't use no double negatives. Don't worry about the world coming to an end today, it's already tomorrow in Australia. Don't worry, if everything worked right you'd be out of a job. DOS never says "EXCELLENT command or filename"... DOS: Tells a computer what to do with itself! DOS=HIGH? I knew it was on something... Drive A: not responding.. .Formating C: instead Drive slower than your guardian angel can fly. Duct tape is like The Force-it holds the universe together Dumb luck beats sound planning every time Dyslexia rules KO. Each day a day goes by. Early to bed, early to rise makes people suspicious. Easy credit terms available... - Satan Eeeney-Meeney, Chili-beanie, the spirits are about to speak! - Bullwinkle Effective Gun Control: Keep muzzle pointed at target. Eh-buh-dee, Eh-buh-dee, Ehhh --Thhhhthat's all, Folks! - Porky Pig Entropy isn't what it used to be. Error finding REALITY.SYS - Universe halted. ERROR LPT1 not found.. use backup - PENCIL & PAPER ERROR: CPU not found E.T. E-mail home! Even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat. Even small mouths can gather BIG feet! Ever just seem to not be able to get around to procrastinating? Ever lob a live grenade into a basket of kittens? Ever stop to think and then forget to start again? Ever wanted to download a pizza? Ever wish you had a copy of tomorrow's newspaper? Every child should be given the desire to learn. Every day is starting to look like Monday ... Every once in a while I feel that I am at two with the universe. Every purchase has its price. Every silver lining has a cloud around it. Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid. Everyone is entitled to my opinion. Everything coming your way? you're in the wrong lane!. Everything goes on sale ... right after you buy it. Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex. Excuse me if I sound bitter....I taste that way too Excuse me, I have to recharge my flamethrower. Excuse me, while I change into something more formidable. Explosive when wet F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a drn!. Failure is never fatal and success is never final. Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children. Farfignewton.. the cookie of the stars.. Fatal Error: You're dead. Feel good? Don't worry; you'll get over it! Felson's Law: To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. Fighting for peace is like f***ing for virginity File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) First Law of Advice: The correct advice is to give the advice that is desired. First Shalt thou pull out the Holy Pin! Floppy disk - A disk that flops Flying is the art of throwing yourself at the ground and missing! For Sale: Dehydrated H²O - $14 per quart For those of you who think life is a joke, just think of the punchline. FORD = Fix Often, Repair Daily FORD = Found On Road Dead FORFEIT: What most animals stand on. Freedom is doing what you like, happiness liking what you do. Friction is a drag. Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate From Sharp minds come... pointed heads. Future, n. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true, and our happiness is assured. G=Guns, PG=Plenty of Guns, PG-13=More than 12 guns... Genius has its limits, but not stupidity Genius is the talent of a man who is dead. Gentlemen, it appears to be unanimous that we cannot agree. George Bush: 'A New World Odor!' Get off your ASCII. Getting caught is the mother of invention. Girls just wanna have fun...Guys just wanna have girls. Give a man an inch, and he thinks he's a ruler. Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it. Give me chastity and continence, but not just now. Give me patience! RIGHT NOW! Go Indians! And take the Browns with you. Go on, just hit me! ...Name:Esc, #:27, Rank:UL.. God dislikes money -- look who he gives it to. God isn't dead, he's just shelled to DOS. God must love the common man; He made so many of them. Going the speed of light is bad for your age. Good girls go to heaven..but bad girls go EVERYWHERE!!! Graffiti has changed deface of the nation. Gravity is a law. Lawbreakers will be brought down! GUI: Grab User In... Guns don't kill. Fast-moving projectiles do. H y! Wh r did my " " k y go? Hail to the sun god, He is a fun god, Ra! Ra! Ra! Half the lies our opponents tell about us are not true. Hand, n. A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket. Hands up! Said the laser printer. Happiness is wanting what you have. Hard DISK? Gee lady, I misunderstood you. Hard where? Soft where? Hard Work never killed anyone, but why chance it? Hardware: The part you kick. Hartley's First Law: You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, you've got something. Has anyone found my marbles? Have time to waste? Get Microsoft Windows 3.0! Have you got change for 10,000,000 people? Have you hugged a porcupine today? Have you hugged an electric fence today? Have you hugged your computer lately? He bellows like a cow standing on her tit. He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions... He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides. He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered. He played a Sanity card! AARRGGH! He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes. He who dies with the most toys is still DEAD! He who has had, has been, but he who hasn't been, has been had. He who laughs last found the dirty meaning. He who laughs last, didn't get the punch line. He who lives by the sword eats with bloody hands. He who looks like his passport photo is not well enough to travel. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. Hell is kept warm with profane burners Here today, dawn tommorow. Heredity: If your parents had no kids, you won't. Hey! Who uncorked my lunch? Hips or lips: Let your conscience be your guide... Hire the morally challenged. History repeats itself because nobody listens Home is where the computer is plugged in. Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense Honesty: Fear of being caught. Horn busted! Watch for finger... Hors d'oeuvres--a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces. How can I fail when I have no purpose??? How can I miss you if you won't go away. How did a fool and his money get together in the first place? How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows. How do I set my Laser Printer to STUN? How do they get teflon to stick to the pans? How much wood did Peter Piper chuck..No wait.. I [] My Cat. I [] My Dog. (Would you [ ??