My name is Hannah and I have lived most of my life in shame. I have not been able to have children. I have no status in my community because of that. To my people, to be infertile is a curse of God and a woman's greatest tragedy. And I have carried that pain and torment with me everyday since I was first married and realized I couldn't bare children. I was married when I was 13 and I am now an old woman of 35. I have endured 22 years of this shame and I have grown tired.
My husband has another wife and she is able to have children – she has many sons and daughters, she's a real baby-making machine and she knows it. She has teased me mercilessly, into my old age. I hardly need her reminding me of my uselessness. She has been very cruel. My husband – God love him, has tried to comfort me, but he doesn't really get it. He doesn't really understand my suffering, my agony. He tells me that he loves me, but I am still unfulfilled. And I know that I am the favoured wife, he treats me well. He treats me special. But that is not what I want, I want a child. It's as simple as that.
Do you understand my intense need to have a child – especially a boy-child? It is all I have ever wanted. It is all I ever needed to make me whole.
Surely some of you can relate to my suffering. Surely, I am not alone, I am not the only one who has suffered. I know that many of you have suffered illness, I know many of you worry about your children, worry about your parenting – oh, but to have children to worry about. I know many of your worry about change and about your church and about money. We all have our worries, but how do we deal with them?
I must say, I had not been dealing with my troubles well. Several months ago now we traveled to the temple in Jerusalem. It was a long journey and I was sick and weak with worry. The pressures of my infertility weighed heavy on my heart. Children were all I could think about, all I could worry about. It was totally preoccupying my every thought and moment. I had lost my appetite and I couldn't eat or sleep. I was completely miserable. My husband was worried for me. I wasn't dealing with the worry well, instead I was letting it control me, I was letting it rule my every thought. I was becoming selfish and greedy for children.
When I got to the temple, I fell down on my knees and I cried out to the Lord in my agony and pain. There were other people around, mostly men and I know how men just don't understand, so I prayed in silence. Indeed it was a strange thing to do, in my religion one always prays aloud so people hear you and can pray with you. But I just needed to be alone with God that day. But oh, what ramifications of such an action.
Eli, the priest came over and started reprimanding me. He was mad and said, "Get up and stop making a spectacle of yourself." He said, "Its obvious you're drunk, have you no shame but to come to the House of the Lord with enough liquor in you so that you act the fool!" That's what he said to me, I was just trying to be alone with God and that's what he said to me. So I told him he was wrong to think such a thing of me. I told him that I was pouring out my soul to the Lord. I told him that I was not a worthless woman, for I had been praying out of my great anxiety and torment.
Well, when he heard that, he soften. He seemed to understand what I was going through. He told me to go in peace and he blessed me.
Well I just felt like a weight of stress and anxiety had been lifted off of me. Between my prayers and Eli's blessing, I didn't feel sad any more. I had renewed confidence that everything would be okay and it was.
I couldn't believe it but after all these years, I conceived and I am now 5 months pregnant. The child leaps in my womb now as I speak. I am so overjoyed I just want to sing all day long.
Song of Hannah VU 878 vs. 1-3
The story of Hannah brings into focus the classic question is why there is anxiety and distress, why there is suffering of any kind in our world. Some people say that God sends it to test us, but I think what Anglican priest, Carol Siegel says about suffering is more helpful. He says 6 things:
1. Suffering is not God's desire for us, but occurs in the process of life. 2. Suffering is not given in order to teach us something, but through it we may learn. 3. Suffering is not given to punish us, but is sometimes the consequence of sin or poor judgment. 4. Suffering does not occur because our faith is weak, but through it our faith may be strengthened. 5. Suffering can either destroy us or add meaning to our life. 6. The will of God has more to do with how we respond to life than how life deals with us.
I can really relate to Hannah's story, not the infertility but the anxiety, for the past couple of weeks I have been very anxious about Chris' work and about money. And like Hannah, I prayed and other people prayed for me and the weight of the anxiety was lifted from me. Praise God.
I know that many people are anxious about my leaving. Change causes stress for most people. It is how we deal with the anxiety that is the issue. We have so little time together, you and I, let's make the most of it. Let us support one another and pray for one another and love one another. Let us deal with the stress of change from a place of love rather than anxiety.
If we begin with God, we begin with love – we begin with security and forgiveness. And so, if the story of Hannah teaches us anything it is to begin by expressing our deepest wants and needs to the Lord. Bathed in love, we can cry out our anxiety and distress to God. And God will lead us to a place of peace and fulfillment. Amen.
