Disclaimers: The characters belong to Anne Rice. The song 'I'll forget you' Belongs to Frank Wildhorn and Nan Knighton.
Spoilers: Through TVA
This is kind of a sequel to 'When I look at you'
Dedicated to Paula who put the idea for a sequel into my head. (Hope you aren't sorry you did.) :)=
Comments always welcomed and greatly apprecaited! :)=
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I’ll forget you.
The more you stay inside of me, the weaker I grow.
I’ll forget you.
Tomorrow I will turn and let you go.
I’ll grow colder.
I’ll lose myself in anything but you now,
For there is nothing I can do now...But forget.
I’ll forget you.
I won’t remember arms that pulled me in, soft and slow.
I’ll forget you.
There has to be a way to let you go!
No more shadows, no more dreams of leaning in the dark above you.
I will forget how much I love you....any day.
“How are you doing?” Daniel looked me up and down , already making his own assessment of my current wellbeing.
“I am fine.” I tried to smile politely. I was damned tired of being asked that question though. Having the others gathered around, looking at me like I was a wounded puppy. A creature who demanded pity and comfort the moment I stepped into a room. I am rather loathe to admit it but it does get my back up a bit. I know they do not try to intentionally irritate me, but they do none the less. It seems as though they have all forgotten that I have lived and survived quite well for more than two centuries. And the greater part of it on my own I might add.
“And Lestat?” He asked more timidly, his eyes suddenly finding the pattern of the carpet more than a little interesting. “I mean is he.....”
“He is...peaceful, for now. That seems the best to be hoped for at this point. He was resting when I left his room. There’s no need for you to waste the rest of your evening. It looks to be a quiet night at home.” I smiled, nodding my head to the rest that had gathered, letting them all know as politely as possible that I wished for them to leave. They all seemed to take the hint, saying their goodbyes and for the thousandth time offering their support. I accepted each and everyone graciously trying not to let the facade fall. For I knew if I let it down for even a brief moment, there would be no pulling it back up. The fragile order I had tried to retain since Lestat’s awakening would melt into the utter chaos that was brewing in the heart of me. And that was something that no one would suffer but me.
Of course Daniel needed more convincing than the rest. He lingered by the door, not making any attempt to actually go though it.
“Daniel please...” I placed my hand to my head in a hopelessly mortal fashion that made me feel all the more weak.
“Lou-I don’t think its good for you to be alone here like this.”
“I’m never alone for too long Daniel -you all see to that.” It sounded more bitter than I had intended and I regreated saying it as soon as it came out of my mouth.
“We’re just worried for you....and Lestat. I know how hard this is on you. Maybe you should....you know....take a break....for a little while. Just until.....”
“Lestat needs me Daniel. I will not leave him I can’t.” I said firmly, repeating what I have told him and the others over and over again.”
“jesus lou-what is that now your fucking mantra?” He bridged the space between us, grasping both of my shoulders with his hands. “This is killing you! You are dying right in front of our eyes-how can you expect us not to try and interfere?”
“It is no ones place to interfere Daniel!” I slapped his hands off my shoulder, moving back, away from his touch. “I will live my life the way I see fit I do not have to answer to you or anyone. Lestat ne-”
“Lestat doesn’t even know who the hell you are half the time Louis! He’s gone! Whatever dream you are holding onto...let it go man...*please*.” My arm whipped out as though independent from my body, hitting him square in the jaw. He landed almost in the fire place at the other end of the room. I walked over to him as he slowly began to get himself together. It took every last amount of effort I had to keep my voice calm.
“I think it is time you left Daniel.” He did not look at me as he stood, making his way toward the door. “And tell the others they need not bother coming around tomorrow evening or any other if it is so damn taxing for them.” I fell to the floor as I closed the door shut. Tears that I had refused to let fall for so long now came ushering forth as the heaving sobs violently tore through my body. I wrapped my arms around my knees, pressing them to my chest in an effort to still my body. I didn’t want to wake Lestat. I had feared that my little outburst with Daniel already had.
Daniel, my poor sweet dear Daniel. I knew he was only trying to help. Worse than that I knew he was telling the truth. I suppose that is what angered me so. I myself have been thinking much the same thing these past few weeks and it shames me. I can not take this. I thought I could. I wanted so much to be strong for Lestat and help him heal, but it seems as though that will never happen. I don’t know if the Lestat I know even exists anymore.
In a way it was easier when he was comatose, lying on the chapel floor. At least than I had the comfort of deluding myself. I had the certainty of hope to hold on to. I knew that he would wake, there was never any doubt in my mind. The trouble is, I was so focused on waiting for that moment I never thought to look beyond it.
There is nothing now to hold onto, no hope no certainty. Nothing. No...that is not exactly true. There are a couple things I know. I am dying. Yes this is a fact. If I stay here with Lestat the both of us will be lost. A cold icy hand clenched my heart and held fast as the realization finally dawned on me. I had made up my mind. There was no other choice. I followed my feet as my body began to move, going toward the stairs. I shut off any thought, letting my body take over. I knew that would be the only way I could leave this house.
But everytime I close my eyes, you come to me again.
I swear I feel your touch upon my skin...
You haunt me everywhere
Til I reach into the air
Trembling to think of all those nights that might have been.
I’ll forget you.
I hear you whisper to me in the dark. Still I know, I’ll forget you.
God help me find a way to let you go!
I do not want you!
And still you steal each breath I’m breathing from me!
With just a touch you overcome me...and I let you.
I’ll forget you...
When I die.....
I had to stop at Lestat’s door one last time. My mind over riding my body’s will. I leaned against the door frame, feeling that dull ache rise inside of me that always comes when I look upon him. He seems to me a child, curled in a fetal position on his bed. The covers wrapped and tucked haphazardly about his body, ending with the fist full he has in his hand tucked tightly under his chin. He stirred suddenly, and I thought that perhaps he might be awake, but I heard the familiar groans and realized he was just dreaming again.
I willed myself to move away, but my feet were firmly rooted and my eyes transfixed on his sleeping form. How did he expect me to go on in a world where his light no longer shown? I couldn’t possibly find my way in such darkness. Even when we were seperated all those years, I never truely believed him dead. If I had , I would have met the sun myself. To think of my life without him in it seems an oxymoron.
I walked over to him, all will of my own completely gone now. I sat beside him on the bed, simply staring down at him. “Damn you Lestat.” I whispered softly. “Couldn’t at least one of your promises be true?” I softly layed my hand upon his hair, brushing it aside to place a kiss upon his cheek. He bolted upright, startled out of his dream. I leaned back, allowing as much distance as I could between us. Learning from experience that this was a very wise move. He looked around with jerking motions, his eyes finally falling on me. A blank stare greeted me as he passively looked me up and down. Then very slowly I saw the beginings of a struggle, grasping desperately for recognition.
“Louis!” he smiled, pleased with his discovery.
“Oui Lestat C’est moi.”
“Louis..” He looked at me with a puzzled face of pure innocence. “Louis you are crying.” He stated, moving forward wiping the tears with his fingers.
“Oui.” I said, unable to trust my voice with anything more.
“Would you like me to brush your hair?” He asked smiling once more. Once again, he seemed for all the world like a small child. “That always makes me feel better.” He lept up from the bed before I could even respond, going to the vanity to get his brush. He straddled himself behind me, undoing the ribbon in my hair as he began to run the brush through it. Despite myself I felt my body leaning into his.
“You are always sad Louis.” He said demurely as he continued his task, begining to hum a song. I knew that it was pointless to leave. He was my maker, my lover, my friend... so many things. How could I leave him like this? The others would look out for him, but it wouldn’t be the same. They don’t care the way I do. Besides, what good would saving myself do if my only reason for living was here, slowly slipping into oblivion. No, there was no way I could escape this. If this was to be the death of me so be it. Maybe then I could finally have peace. Maybe then I will be able to forget him.
Fin