Idle Talk Of the Sexes
Rated PG-13
By:Thundercatroar
Author's Note: I am the weakest link. Goodbye.

       Cheetara, Wilykit, Pumyra, Jella, and Kera were all sitting at the table in the grand room at Cat's Lair drinking "virgin" cocktails and talking about various things, until the subject of their mates came up.
      "Pumyra?" Pumyra looked at Cheetara and took another sip of her drink. "Are they still watching that stupid pageant?" Pumyra nodded her head in mild annoyance. Cheetara put her hand on her head and said in an affected voice. "My platform is aminal rights, and when I grow up I want to be a veterinarian 'cause they don't eat meat. Isn't my butt cute?" Cheetara batted her eyes and the table shook with laughter. The only woman at the table that didn't seem to care about her mate's interest in the show was Kera.  Jella looked at her sister in-law. "Doesn't it make you mad that Terron watches that crap? No, men are going to look, it's in their nature." Cheetara raised her eyebrows at her daughter.  "I told Terron when we got married that I didn't care where he worked up his appetite as long as came home to eat! Terron doesn't get mad when I look at other men, so why should I get ticked at him?"  Cheetara wasn't surprised at her daughter's liberal views on her marriage.
       Pumyra looked at Cheetara and laughed.  "What is the most annoying thing Tygra does." Cheetara grinned. "Which one? They're all pretty bad!" The entire table giggled and smiled. After everyone was finished, the topic was once again renewed. Cheetara thought a moment. "The thing that Tygra does that irks me to no end is that he takes the most simple task, something, ANYTHING that should take a few minutes to do and turns it into an all day affair." Cheetara took yet another sip. "Pumyra, do you remember when the faucet was leaking in the second floor hall bathroom?" Pumyra chuckled. "I swear, 'Tara, I have never seen you so angry in my whole life!" Kera chimed in. "I have, glad it wasn't at me!"  Cheetara smiled sideways, and looked at the others. "I had to get to the Unified Cheetah Clans meeting in like an hour, and what does Tygra do but decide to go ahead and replace all of the plumbing! He knew it was in that condition for a week, but he chose to wait until thirty minutes for me to go somewhere before he decides to fix it!  The thing that surprised me is that he's pretty anal about things like that, and will usually fix something when he discovers it in disarray. Anyway, I finally lost patience and drove there by myself, then Tygra got angry because he wanted to go with me.  He was mad over it for a week." Cheetara continued with the aid of flamboyant hand gestures. "I remember one time I went to a book store with him. He had intentions of buying an architectural manual, they're not cheap, mind you, but he needed it because there were revisions in the building codes. He stood for thirty minutes or so thinking about the money involved, even though he needed the book.  Tygra then decided that he did need to buy it, so he carried it all over the store, then decided that he really didn't need it at the checkout and put it back! "  Everyone laughed at Cheetara's facial expression.  "The very next day we were at the store again, buying the book.  I made him keep it that time." Cheetara said dryly.
     Pumyra ate a piece of candy and sighed. "Bengali is a sweet man, I couldn't have done any better for a mate, but I absolutely hate it when he eats in bed!  He'll eat crackers in bed get the crumbs all over, and then i'll roll in them.  One time I was roused from sleep smelling something that reeked like Hell.  I thought for a moment it was me, you know that you don't think right when you are half asleep.
      Anyway," Pumyra stopped. "Where was I? Cheetara smiled and said, "The reek like Hell?"  Pumyra made a face. "Oh, yeah, I got up and Bengali was eating onions, sardines, and peanut butter mixed together on crackers. I kicked him out of bed." Pumyra shuddered.  "Bengali will eat things that could make a goat's stomach turn, and then wonders why he has heartburn all the time! He also leaves his toys and comic books everywhere.  My one of my clients asked me if I had another kid, I just told her no, that they belonged to an adult child. My mate." All of the women were red faced, Kera snorted which made all the laughing harder.  "What about you Jella?" Asked Wilykit.
      "Tygro leaves the seat up." All of the women at the table looked at Jella in sympathy and knowledge. "Once I was half asleep and it was the middle of the morning, so I get up to do my thing.  I didn't even bother to turn on a light." Jella gave a little insight on military life. "Ladies, I live in a female barracks most of the time, if you turn on the bathroom light there, one of two things is gonna happen." The women listened in interest. "You are gonna see something that will keep you up the rest of the night." With that Jella raised her eyebrows.  "Or, the light will wake all of the women up, and they will kick your butt up one aisle and down the other."  The women at the table didn't quite know how to react. "I digress. Anyway Tygro left the seat up, I sit down, and my butt and night gown gets ha, ha, not only wet, but STUCK!" Kera giggled, she remembered how frightened Tygro was that morning as she and Terron pulled her up.  Jella's brow lowered, and her eyed darkened, her lips turned up into an evil smile. "Tygro always puts the seat down now."  The women giggled and everyone's attention turned to Wilykit.
      "Well, Kitten," Asked Cheetara sweetly. "What do you come closest to killing Brod over?"
      Wilykit put her hand on her chin.  "I don't know. Oh, yes I do!" Wilykit exclaimed triumphantly. "Brod will use things and not put them back where they belong! One time I needed some scissors and looked in the utility drawer for them and couldn't find them. Brod said that he thought they were lost so I bought another pair. A week later, those got missing.  I asked Brod where they were, he said in the barn, I walked out to the barn and I found eight pairs of scissors, including the "lost" ones as well as two oven mitts, spatula, half a jar of mayonnaise, and a pair of tongs." Wilykit grinned. "I don't even want to know why all that other stuff was out there."  The women giggled. Cheetara pat Kera on the hand.
      Kera looked around, she was the last to go. "This ones a driving related habit, and one you'll all sympathize with i'm sure."   Kera took a deep breath and smiled. "Ladies, THE thing Terron does, that ALL of our men do at some point that I hate the most, this is even WORSE than you know what, and fanning the sheets!" All of the women were in a quandary, that in their minds was pretty bad.  "Terron will pick his nose while he drives." All of the women nodded.  "Now it's not bad enough that everyone is watching him at the stoplights mining his nostrils, NO!" The women were laughing so hard that they couldn't breathe. Kera made a rolling motion with her thumb, middle, and index fingers.  "Terron won't get rid of what he finds, he'll roll the booger in between his fingers for what seems like hours, look at it and then when it's "ready" he'll toss it in the ashtray and look for another one!" Kera crossed her arms, the other women were in an uproar.  "I told Terron that one day someone was going to rear end us and he was going to stab his brain with his finger!  He already drives like he's been pithed!  What's even worse, I have to touch the steering wheel after his fingers have been up his nose!"  After a few moments the women settled down and started talking about the next logical topic.
      Cheetara looked at Kera. "What's the dumbest thing Terron has ever done?" Kera thought for a moment. "Well, i'm sure he hasn't done it yet, he's still young." The women laughed. "The dumbest thing to date however? Hmmmm. We were at the Point,  we got out, and took a walk to the quarry with a picnic,  and he forgot to put the parking brake on the vehicle. We were," Kera looked at her mother then away. "talking and some people were yelling and making violent hand and arm movements at us. They ran up to us and said that if that was our car we had better go get it. We looked up and the car was heading for the cliff, as hard as gravity could take it, I don't know how Terron did it, but he jumped in the car and stopped it before it went over the edge.  Your turn, Mom, I bet I know what it is."
     Cheetara sighed. "Tygra and I were shopping in the trade district." Kera began to giggle, causing Cheetara to, she had to tell Kera to hush so she could finish the story. "I had stopped at a booth admiring some amber jewelry. When I turned, Tygra had sauntered off. I go looking for him when I hear a scream, a paper bag hitting something, and Tygra making profuse apologies." Kera laughed so hard that the table was shaking. "I walked as quickly as I could to see what had happened." Cheetara took a deep breath, and didn't look at Kera. "Tygra had goosed a woman's behind, she was a cheetah too, and we were wearing the same pattern robe, so he thought it was me." Cheetara sighed. "Poor Tygra, before he had a chance to explain all of that, Kera who was four and a half or so at the time said, "mommy, mommy, daddy pinched that lady's heiney and she hitted him" " All of the women at the table shook with laughter, and slapped the table.
      Pumyra burst out with an incredibly wicked laugh. Cheetara looked at everyone. "This ought to be good." Pumyra thought for a moment. "I don't know if I should tell you this one, Bengali would kill me." Pumyra thought for a moment, all of the women looked at her pleadingly. "What the Hell? But you guys had better never let on I told you, or else!" Pumyra collected herself before she told her tale.
     "This is two stories in one, it's how I met Bengali and Lynx-O, and the dumbest thing Bengali has ever done in his entire life.  I was working part time as a diner waitress on Old Thundera, earning money to pay for my healer classes at night. I kept seeing this white tiger guy looking through the window every day.  When I would see him, he would quit watching, or walk away. Now this bothered me at first, on one count, because I thought he was just leering at me like a pig, on the second, I thought if he was, maybe he was planning something worse. I usually got one of our bigger male patrons to walk me out at night, but I never saw him then." All of the women listened with interest.  "Eventually Bengali started coming in for coffee. That was all he would get, but he made sure that he left me something on the table for looking after him, usually too much, Lynx-O who owned the forge he worked at, was usually with him.  It wasn't later until I found out that Bengali was Lynx-O's adoptive son." Pumyra continued.  "Anyhoo,  Bengali was quiet, he hardly ever said anything, and when he did it was a few words, usually blustered, he would blush a lot too.  After I spent some time around him, I figured out he was harmless, thus wasn't afraid of him anymore.  That went on for about two years." Pumyra giggled. "Girls, this is where it gets good. One day a customer was giving me some problems, and he slapped my behind. Bengali stood up and threatened to kick the six and a half foot tall man's behind for him, not in cleaned up language either.
      I will never forget the look that Bengali had on his face when the man got up.  The guy was a monster, but Bengali didn't back down, I have to hand him that." Pumyra put her head in her hands and shook it. "The guy punched Bengali out, I broke a pitcher over his head, that didn't do a bit of good, the guy turned on me, but Lynx-O was able to use a pressure point and render the guy unconscious." Pumyra laughed. "It scared me to death, it took thirty minutes for Bengali to come around.  Lynx-O tossed water in his face, that finally made him wake up. Needless to say, the owner of the diner wasn't too happy, and fired me, but Lynx-O gave me a job looking after the paper work at the forge, so everything turned out okay." Kera smiled. "That's sweet, Pumyra. I have always felt that a man who will open himself up to pain for you is worth keeping." And the table roared.
      Cheetara smiled. "Pain. now THAT'S something that men can't deal with at all." Jella smiled and said with an upraised hand, "Testament, priestess! I play hit Tygro all the time, and he acts like i'm trying to kill him!" Pumyra looked at her friends and dryly said, "Yeah, we women menstruate, vomit, gag, and give birth to babies the size of a Thundertank, and a man with a little splinter in his finger will act like there's a two by four in it!"   Cheetara laughed. "Are we bitter, healer?"  Pumyra gave Cheetara a sideways smile.
 

      "Hurry up, Tygra Miss Kondas is walking down the runway.  She won the Miss Thundera pageant, I told you so!" Tygra growled. "Panthro, here's your five credits! I hate it when you are right!" Lion-O looked at the two. "Hey, gambling is illegal on Thundera!" Lion-O tried to give a serious look. Panthro laughed, and looked at his near empty beer mug. "Only because you lost too, Lord Lion-O! Choke up my money!" All of the men enjoyed a good laugh and held up their beer mugs to be filled by Tygro. The men heard the laughter emanating from the next room. Tygra looked at Lion-O. "I wonder what they're talking about?" Lion-O grinned. "It can't be good for any of you!" Tygra nodded.
      All the men grew quiet, and their eyes glazed as an advertisement for ladies underwear flashed across the screen. When it went off the silence was finally broken. "Thirty seconds of sweetness! Thank the Gods for telescreen!" Said Panthro in a cheerful voice.
      Bengali shoved a handful of popcorn into his mouth and shook his head. "Rowwrrr!  I have to go to a white sale with Pumyra tomorrow, she wants some new curtains.  I said that I liked them, and she said that was why she wanted new ones!" Bengali growled.  "You'll holo-record the Bobcats game won't you?  Sure we will,"  Said Panthro. "I feel for you, man." Panthro thoughtfully added.  "Yeah," Said Tyger as he looked at Panthro. "thank you from the bottom of my heart for raising Ardua like a man! I sure am glad she isn't interested in crap like that! Who cares if the curtains on one wall matches the others or not?  Well," Said Tygra, "it is important to have the correct decoration for a room. It's an aesthetic thing." The men looked at Tygra. "What?"  Terron changed the subject.
      "Kera's still mad at me. I swear I don't understand women!" Tygro looked at his brother in-law. Panthro chimed in, "Who does?" The men laughed and Tygro said, "What about this time?" Terron ruffled his hair. "Aw,  Kera and I had an argument about her borrowing my blasting caps, then not replacing them! Then she drags up an argument that we had like two weeks before and grinds that into my butt!" Tygra nodded. "She gets that from her mother!" Tygra looked at the score then looked at Terron. "Cheetara never listens to me about anything, EVER! I remember she and I were arguing once, and she dragged up fight that we had when we were little kids!"
       Bengali nodded in agreement. "Rowrr, Pumyra moves my "Crimson Avenger" action figures and stuff out of our bedroom all the time, and she also accidentally threw out my special edition gatefold copy of Crimson Avenger number thirty signed by Nikki!" Panthro looked at Bengali. "The one with the gatefold cover, the issue where the Avenger battles against the Riveronator?" Bengali nodded evenly. "That would piss me off royal!" Said Panthro with arms crossed.  "That's not all!" Said Bengali with annoyance. "Pumyra won't let me eat in bed either, she says my food stinks!"   Bengali bit into a mayonnaise, salami, ham, chicken liver, onion and marshmallow sandwich. Lion-O looked at Bengali. "She might have a point there, Ben!" Bengali glared at Lion-O. Tyger looked at his father. "No wonder why you have heartburn all the time, Dad!" All of the men laughed at Bengali.
       Tyger turned to his bodyguard and friend, Garrick a Reptilian. "Garrick, tell us, what are Reptilian women like?" Garrick thought for a moment. "Well, my Prince-s-s, they are us-s-sually quiet. Reptilian women are beautiful flowerss-s-s, but when they get angry they are vicious-s-s-s and s-s-s-spiteful.  S-s-several Reptilian men have had their tails-s-s cut off by angry women." All of the men made faces of pain.  Panthro regarded their cold friend. "See? All women are the same everywhere!" The group laughed. Lion-O looked at Panthro. "I am surprised that you never got married. I can't find a woman that will put up with me, and knows how to rebuild a Thundrillium restrictor plate. If I can find a woman that can do that, and make a Hell of a sandwich i'd marry her today!"
       Tygro looked at his compatriots. "Have any of you guys ever had to go buy, um, female stuff before? Gods that's embarrassing!" Tygro said. Tygra added.  "I always tell the checkout person that they're not for me, just to be sure they know." Tygra said with authority.  Panthro laughed loudly, and Lion-O snickered. Tygra was irritated, knowing what they were thinking about and said, "Oh, shut up!"  Terron slapped Tygro on the back.
       "Tygro? Yes? What is the most annoying thing that Jella does? The thing that ticks you the most." Tygro didn't need to think long. "Jella is a good woman, but she will get angry over the silliest things!" Lion-O looked at Tygro with interest. "Like what? Well," Said Tygro, "Jella will throw a fit at a traffic light because she has to wait, I don't understand it, and one time Jella flipped off a priestess because she didn't use a turn signal. Sometimes it's like she isn't afraid there is an underworld or something!" Tygro said confused. "What about you, Terron?" Asked Panthro.
      "That's easy," Terron said with guarded disgust, his father in- law was there. "Kera will drink everything out of a container but a little bit and put it back into the fridge, same with food. I hate it when she drinks directly from the container too. She will also perfume the room with that potpourri crap. It makes me sneeze. I love Kera very much, but I enjoy retreating to the barracks when the heat is on. I don't know if you have seen Kera very angry before, but it's something to see.  She's worse than Ardua."
       Tyger gave Terron a look of great surprise. "I don't believe that.  And Ardua does really weird, and annoying stuff too." Panthro grinned. "What can my angel possibly do to annoy you?" Panthro said it with a grin. "Well, she will do everything backwards,  has a Hell of a temper, and she never finishes one project before starting another.  She's also impatient and impulsive. Yeah," Said Panthro. "That's Ardua all right!"  Terron smiled at Tyger. "What about the weird stuff?" Tyger looked at all the men, blushed and said, "Never mind."
      Panthro sat back and looked at Lion-O. "Well, my Lord, you have been awfully quiet, and we have neglected you. What about you and Lynxana?  You two have have been getting friendlier as of late, what does she do to bug you?" Lion-O put his hand on his chin. "Lynxana won't let me win a fight, she always has to have the last word, no matter what." Lion-O crossed his arms. "I thought maybe since I was the Lord of the Thundercats she'd throw me a fight every once in awhile." Tygra laughed. "Lion-O, I never figured you to be one for wishful thinking!" All of the men laughed loudly and slapped each other on their backs.
      The women in the next room looked at each other. Pumyra finally spoke up. "I wonder what those men are talking about?" Wilykit grinned. "Either breasts, or something else more horrifying." All of the women laughed. Wilykit continued.  "Look at it this way, girls," Said Wilykit, "men are like kids, when they are loud you don't have to worry about them, but when they are quiet, trouble's brewing!"  All of the women at the table agreed. Kera smiled at Wilykit. "Your turn,'Kit.
      Wilykit sighed.  "Brod bought a book about electrical wiring, he was determined to save us some money by wiring the porch lights himself." Wilykit rolled her eyes. "I don't know if you have ever smelled singed Jackalman hair, but it's not nice. It's a wonder it didn't kill him!" The women laughed and turned to Jella.
       "Tygro hasn't done anything dumb but one thing, and he made me promise to not tell anyone that he did it, so sorry, ladies." All of the women looked disappointed.
      Pumyra poured everyone a new round of drinks, and the conversation continued.
The End