By RD Rivero 

November 6, 2000 
 

"SNARF! SNARF!" Liono shouted at the top of his lungs, "SNARF!" 

The Lord of the Thundercats stalked his ferocious prey through tall stacks of wooden boxes. He spun around suddenly - the evil creature was coming into view. Quickly, he reached down and grabbed the snarf by the neck.

"Hee, hee, hee," a voice laughed from the shadows. 

"Who's there?" Liono asked. 

"It's just me, Cue, you know, RD's Mary Sue?" 

Liono growled and tightened his fists so hard Snarf's head burst in a sea of foul pus and goo - but the angered Liono did not notice.

"I DON'T LIKE MARY SUES!" he shouted and stomped toward the voice. "I DON'T LIKE MARY SUES! MARY SUES MUST DIE!" 

"Hey, hey," Cue stepped back toward the door, "no need to be violent or anything, Liono." 

The lion pounded his fists, spraying droplets of snarf blood about the place. He reached the Mary Sue figure and held the small man in place with his bulging arms. "Sorry," he said, stroking Cue's hair. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to frighten you. It's just that I'm mad, mad, mad!" He stopped and whispered: "I see dead people." He looked back and forth, his eyes wild and glaring. "Cue? Do you think I'm beautiful?" 

"What are you talking about?" he asked in complete shock. 

"Am I beautiful?" the lion twiddled his mane with his forefinger, letting Cue go free a little. "I'm a big girl, you know." 

"I suppose you, might, be attractive, to someone." 

"Snarf taught me about boys," he said in a feminine tone. He smiled and winked. "You want to play with my sword - you want to watch it grow?" 

"AHHH! AHHH!" Cue shouted and, running under Liono's straddled legs, he crashed onto a pane of glass. He looked back - the Thundercat was bouncing toward him. Cue banged his body up against the window until the frame broke - he was about to shout for help but Liono reached him and, tripping on Snarf's broken carcass, slipped and pushed Cue out by accident. 

RD's Mary Sue plummeted five feet to his death. 
 

Outside on the grass the Thunderkittens played with themselves by themselves. WileyKit was shackled in a straight jacket, a tin foil hat covered her head. WileyKat was throwing paper airplanes and popping bubble wrap. He looked at his sister - she looked at him. She spread her legs and he sat between them - they rubbed their heaving bodies together. 

"I stole Tygra's credit card," he whispered into her ear between groans of pleasure. "You want to go buy condoms?"

"Why? They're not made small enough for you." 

"Oh, that's right. I forgot."

"Let's go to the store anyway, I have to buy Pumyra her tampons." 

"Pumyra?" WileyKat asked, already on his feet. "Pumyra, who?" 

"I don't know," his sister had removed her straight jacket and the two dinner plates she had stuffed under her shirt. "I think Bengali's dating her." 

"Hey, guys," Liono said, waving his arms in a most effeminate way, "what are you crazy cats doing?" He reached under WileyKat's tunic. "We've got to get something more manly for you, big boy - oh, gross, you did it with her already! You didn't save any for me!" 

"Why are your arms red, Liono?" WileyKit asked. 

"That? That's 'cause I killed Snarf." 

"Finally! You should have done that years ago." 

"Well, it was an accident and besides, he was the only one who'd play with me -" 

"Oh, Liono," WileyKit hugged him from behind, stroking his buttocks, "we'll play with you." She looked at her brother, "See, WileyKat, that's how big yours has to be," she pulled Liono out. 

WileyKat's eyes nearly burst out of their sockets. He took Liono's member and examined it closely with his fingers. "That's huge, Liono, that's incredible! How long is it?" 

"Snarf said it was three inches." 
 

The screen goes black and a strange figure appears from the haze. 

"RD! What are you doing? I said to keep it decent!" Slinky Avenger said, sternly. 

"Sorry - I'll move it along." 
 

"We're going to the store," WileyKat said. "Let's buy condoms and see what they look like on Liono." 

"OK," his sister said. 

The three began to walk to the Wollo village where the denizens were prancing about the streets with butterfly nets, chasing the Berbil zombies that had tried to invade the night before. 

They came to the big store in the center of the village and inside they split up and scoured the aisles - they had no money and they were intent on stealing. 

WileyKat spotted a crowbar on the floor. "Panthro would love one of these - he's always getting stuck up Tygra's -" 

WileyKit found tubes of multicolored Seran wrap. Her eyes glowed over with lust, spittle dripped from the sides of her open mouth. "The promised land!" She stripped her clothes - a large wet spot had formed around her crotch where she and her brother had deposited their bodily fluids earlier. She wrapped herself in the plastic sheath. 

"Hmmm," Liono rubbed his chin. "Hmmm, 'Love Potion #9' I wonder if I could use it on that Mumm-Ra stud muffin. Rowl!" He pulled out his sword: "Sword of Omens, give me sight, beyond sight! Show me, Mumm-Ra!" In a blaze of wild light he saw the mummy skinny dipping in the circular pool, his skirt lay on the outer edge, an inflatable pool toy shaped like Liono floated by him in the bubbling water. "He's naked, he's naked! Oh, oh, get up! Get up! Oh!" Mumm-Ra looked out into the distance - toward Liono - and smiled as if in answer, wagging his finger 'no.' 

Liono, WileyKit and WileyKat met up again near the front of the store. In their arms were cartons of orange juice, a can of Pringles, bagels and squeeze cheese bottles. Captain Cracker was ahead of them on the line, cursing and arguing with the cashier. The Thundercats squinted at the clerk - they had never seen the number three before. They had seen three things, three cars, three cups but never the actual number three. 

The pirate banged on the counter: "I'll never by pink spork from you pussy lovers ever again - go on, call for a price check!" He picked up an electric razor: "I'll cut you down to size you overrated number!" 

The number three turned its upper, pointy thing from side to side as if in terror. It banged the end of its body onto a big red button. A flash of light followed and from a hole that then formed in the air Officer Mandora fell to the ground. 

"Oh, great," Liono said, "it's Broomhilda." 

"I think she's hot," WileyKat said. "I wonder if she'd like to -" 

"I don't think so, WileyKat -" his sister grabbed his arm, holding him back.

"But she looks like she needs it," he said, protesting her strong grip, "like she hasn't had a boy in a long time -" 

"That's 'cause I don't think she likes boys," Liono said, shaking his head. 

"Maybe that's why she's so mad all the time," WileyKat lamented. 

The number three hit the floor while Mandora and Captain Cracker fought with pool sticks. 

"This be a fight to the death, Man-woman!" 

"Wrong, buddy, you're under arrest!" She slapped a pair of cuffs on the pirate's wrists. She took out a small, remote control and pressed its flashing orange button. A huge Mech planted itself before the main door, blocking the exits. 

A small light bulb turned on in WileyKat's head - he inched up to the counter, it lay on its side, its contents spewed out all over the floor. He picked up a bar of Mentos and snapped it in half. He gave a candy to each of the Thundercats and they chewed - an odd and annoying music played in the background. 

The ground rumbled and the Thunder Tank crashed through the storefront. 

"Dang blast it!" the panther shouted, throwing a computer mouse off of his lap. "Guys, come on! Mumm-Ra's holding a wild party at the pyramid!" 

"Mummsies!" Liono shouted and jolted into the vehicle - the kittens followed arm in arm. 
 

The pyramid was rocking with the sounds of blasting, deafening music. 

Outside, the kittens broke away from the adults - they had found around the obelisks a cardboard box labeled 'open me.' The curious pair tore the lid off with their claws and found rolls of toilet paper within. She looked at her brother - a devious smile was painted on her face. 

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" she asked. 

"You want to do it here?" he answered, parting his tunic. 

"No, silly, I mean, let's T.P. the pyramid." 

"OK, but are we still going to do it here?" 

She rolled her eyes: "Sure, after we're done," she sighed, handing him a roll. 

Inside, the Lunatics and the mutants were tearing the place apart while Mumm-Ra was showing QuickPick how he had decorated the interior of his sarcophagus. Mumm-Rana was leading the Warrior Maidens in the Macarena. An evil cow kept licking the inside of a toaster, electrocuting itself much to the delight of the partying onlookers. 

Liono sneaked up to Mumm-Ra and gave him a strong bear hug from behind. 

"Oh you've been working out my ever-living bundle of hugs and kisses." 

"Liono!" the mummy shouted. "Liono?" He turned around and looked down at the Thundercat's crotch. "Liono -" he dropped his Martini - the tall glass shattered on the stone floor. 

Liono picked him up and kissed him deeply - the two stumbled to their sides and tumbled about the crowd. 

"Oh sweet mystery of life I think I've found you!" Mumm-Ra sung while he and Liono vanished into the shadows of the pyramid. 

Alluro came upon Cheetara and while she was not looking he swung out his club. Under his spell she turned around. He smiled wickedly. 

"Let her have it," Tygra shouted. "She's been a bad girl!" 

"Yes, yes, you've been a bad girl, Cheetara, show us what kind of a bad girl you've been! Strip!" 

Cheetara tore off the top of her uniform - tongues wagged everywhere. 

"Dance around that statue - dance like you mean it!" 

Cheetara, still in Alluro's trance, approached one of the statues of the ancient spirits of evil and wrapped her legs around it. Heaving her body up and down, licking the rock and rubbing her bare flesh upon it she danced exotically. The statue's eyes began to glow red and somehow its skirt started to - 

The crowd cheered and applauded - Slythe and Monkian took pictures while Jackalman and Bengali ducked behind an alter to relieve themselves of their urges. 

WileyKat and WileyKit ran into the main chamber - their crotches smeared with bits of toilet paper. He tripped on a spatula and knocked her forward onto a sledgehammer. The heavy object slid down the steps and activated a chainsaw. The buzzing weapon crawled forward, splitting the rocks until it came to stop over an exposed part of a gas pipe, gashing out a large hole in it. 

"Gas leak!" Panthro shouted - everyone turned to see. A green methane spewed into the air from the long rent in the pipe, turning everyone's stomach. Gagging and choking followed. 

"Everyone get out! Get out!" Mumm-Rana shouted, she and Warrior Maidens scrambled for cover. 

In a series of mad dashes the partygoers trampled themselves out of the pyramid. The intense sound roused Liono and Mumm-Ra from their slumber to their feet. They had been on the floor, their bodies intertwined and exhausted.

"What's going on," Mumm-Ra asked. "Where's everyone going?" He sniffed the air. "Ma-Mutt? What did that devil dog do now! I thought I left him outside!" 

The two walked into the main chamber. 

"We missed the orgy!" Liono said. 

Mumm-Ra petted his mane gingerly. 

"No, we didn't, my ferocious lion!" He kissed the Thundercat on the lips. "Roar for me!" 

"Meow!" Liono purred. 

"Oh! You turn me on - Ancient Spirits of Evil, transform this decayed form into Jagga!" 

"Yum, yum! I remember how he used to play with me! He was a lot better than snarf!" 

The Jagga-Mumm-Ra creature stood before him, naked, the red eyes glowing in the greenish air. 

"Could you make it a little longer?" 

"Anything for you, my sweet!" 

Liono's eyes widened. He wrapped his arms around his lover and they kissed again but as their fur rubbed together, little sparks of static streaked through the air and - 
 

"Oh, the humanity!" TugMug shouted - the pyramid exploded in a great, orange blast - sending large rocks and bricks soaring, streaking the dark sky, making the ground quake and groan. 
 

"Wow!" Liono shouted astonished - tiny bits of burnt toilet paper swirled in the open air around them. "That was incredible, Mumm-Ra! You rock my world!"