ThunderSpringer
By: Thundercatroar
Rated R (That's a no brainer!)
Author's Note: This story has racial stereotyping, so if you don't want to get mad, don't read it.  I am sure that I am not the first person to come up with this idea, so I hope that I don't offend any previous writers. In the interests of ease for writing, when each character speaks the first letter of their name will appear, if character has same letter the next will be represented to differentiate. Example= Chilla- C: Cheetara- Ch:.  If you thought "The Switch" was bad, get a load of this puppy, er, kitten!  R.D. Rivero, this is for you too.
 
 

      The raucous audience screams and begins to throw cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer, and G-Strings at the stage while chanting "JERRY, JERRY, JERRY, JERRY!

The Jerry Springer Show theme music cues, the logo appears, and the announcer speaks. "Ladies and Gentlemen, Jerry Springer.  The audience roars and Jerry Springer walks onto the stage.

      "Hello Chicago!" The crowd roars, readying itself for bread and circus. "Do any of you remember the cult classic cartoon Thundercats?" The crowd roars. "Well, we have a special treat for you today." The  crowd of people begin to chant BRING OUT THE SKANK, BRING OUT THE SKANK, BRING OUT THE SKANK. Jerry smiles wickedly, and throws crack cocaine and matches out to the audience.

J:"I would like for all of you to  put your hands together for a special lady, her name is Chilla."
      The audience claps and cheers. Chilla walks out on the stage, the response was favorable except for a few who jeered her, she froze them.

J: "Hello, Chilla, welcome to the show. It is a pleasure to have you here." Jerry smiles. "You said you had to come here to get something off of your chest.  Chilla pauses for a moment and gathers herself.

C: "Yes, Jerry." A  backstage picture of Mandora flashes up. "I really love Mandora, we have even been talking about having a commitment ceremony for a long time.  I know when I tell her it will hurt her but I can't keep living this lie!" Chilla cries, the audience says "Awwwwwwww."

J: "Well, Chilla, what is the secret?" Jerry winks.

C:"For a year I have been having an affair."
      The audience "OOOHHHHH!"

J: "Really, Chilla? With who?"

C: "Snarfer of the Thundercats"
      The audience yells and laughs.

J: "Alright send out Mandora!"
      Mandora walks out onstage and Chilla meets her halfway, the two share a deep, loving, yet passionate kiss. (The audience hoots) The two sit down and hold hands.

J: "Well!  Mandora!"

M: "Hi, Jerry!"

J: "Mandora, you really seem to care for Chilla."

M: "Yes I do, Jerry!" Mandora says with a lilt in her voice. "She's my nervy little lawbreaker!" And the two share yet another kiss.

J:"Well, Mandora, Chilla has something to tell you."
      The audience jeers and Jerry makes them be quiet.

J: "Go ahead, Chilla. The truth sets us free."

C: "Mandora, you know that I love you, right?" Mandora nods.
"Well, I , I had a moment of weakness, and I slept with someone else. A-a- man."

M: "A MAN!!!! WHO?" Mandora asks angrily as she throws away Chilla's hand. Jerry interrupts.

J: "Well, We have Snarfer right here, Come on out!"
      Mandora jumps up to stomp the strutting, Snarfer, Steve stops her and holds her.  Snarfer is restrained by his own personal officer.

M: "You little piece of BEEEP,  and i'm gonna BEEEEP and stick it up your BEEEP and you can spin on it you sorry piece of BEEP! BEEEEEP!"

J: "Well, Officer that was a mouthful! I didn't think that Interplanetary Control tolerated language like that!"  The audience laughs and says "Whoooaaahhh!"

J:  "Well, Snarfer What do you have to say about this?"

S:  "Well, Jerry, snarfer, snarfer, I really like Chilla, the love that we have shared for the past year was magic, it was reeeaaallly good, yes sir, snarfer, snarfer!"  Snarfer giggles. "Mandora's just jealous because she doesn't have a BEEEEEEEP!"

M: BEEEEEP! You impotent little toad, I'LL KILL YOU!"  Mandora rushed Snarfer again and Steve barely manages to catch her.
      The audience chants- STEVE, STEVE, STEVE, STEVE! Mandora is made to sit back down.  Mandora chokes back tears.

M:  "Chilla, I loved you, I trusted you! How could you do this to me?  We bought matching BEEEEEP together, WHY?"  Mandora bursts out in tears.
      The audience says- "AWWWWWWWW!"
C: "'Dora, I don't love Snarfer, I love you!"

M: "How can I trust you now, Chilla? How?"  Chilla shakes her head and tries to hold Mandora's hand, she won't allow it.

S: "Mandora, you are just jealous because I have what it takes snarfer, snarfer! Chilla is mine now, yes sir!"

M: "Why you little! BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!" Mandora gets hold of Snarfer's neck scruff and shakes him, then punts him into the audience, shattering the audience members that Chilla froze earlier, the crowd goes wild. Mandora and Chilla are taken off of the stage forcefully.

J: "Whoo, now that was rough! We'll be back!"
     The audience cheers and the camera pans away from the wounded Snarfer sitting in a stage chair.

      Cheesy music plays: Alluro wearing a leisure suit and cowboy hat appears. "I am cutting prices to the bear bones here at Alluro's used cars! A 1975 Gremlin just 100 credits!  Behold, a 1980 Ford Escort 3000 credits,  Look at this beauty, an 3476 Trensherr Darkcat low mileage just 12,000 credits yes, that's all friends, and of course all of the packages include my famous 2000 kilometer or first fill up guarantee!" Alluro throws the psyche club ball, it lights with a blue glow, and he uses his hypnotic voice. "Yes, you will come to Alluro's used cars and buy a vehicle, come, there is no use resisting, you will come today. You will take advantage of the value."   Black screen

      Cue Ancient Spirits Of Evil music: "Hello, I am Mumm-Ra the Ever Living. As you know, Ma-Mutt and I have spend a lot of time trying to defeat the powers of good and kill those petulant Thundercats," Ma-Mutt barks in succession.  "but I always make sure to mark my calendar and remind my friends, and myself to have a regular breast exam."  Mumm-Ra dials phone. "Hello? Mumm-Rana? Yes Mumm-Ra? Have your rack checked, BEEEP! MWAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Zaxx's voice comes over the speakers. "This was a public service announcement brought to you by the Third Earth Evil Association." Black screen

      More cheesy music plays. Luna walks on a beach with Amok, Amok looks depressed. "Whaaaahhh, Amok what is wrong with you?" Amok stops and takes Luna's hand. "Amok not feel fresh."  Commercial is cut off by return of Springer Show too early.
      Springer music plays again, the crowd yells and chants "JERRY, JERRY, JERRY, JERRY, JERRY!"

J: "And we're back!"

J: "If you all would, please welcome Pumyra."
     Audience claps, Pumyra walks out onstage and quickly takes her seat.

J: "Hello, Pumyra."

Pu: "Hello, Jerry."  Pumyra looks around cautiously.

J: "What can we do for you today?

Pu: "I am sick and tired of playing second fiddle to a vehicle!"
      The crowd says, "AWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

J: "You are a very attractive lady, Pumyra. How could you play second fiddle to anything?"

Pu: "Thank you, Jerry."  Pumyra wipes her eyes. Jerry smiles.

J: "Well, you got a little revenge here not too long ago, didn't you, Pumyra?"

Pu: "I sure did, Jerry!"
      Jerry looks at the control booth.

J: "Please roll the footage!"
      The rotating "fan" is shown- 3, 2, 1,  beep.

Pu: "Panthro?"
      The camera shakes as Pumyra angrily walks towards the Thundertank with a crowbar, the front and back are covered in retractable armor.
Pu:"Come out of there! I know you are in there!"
       Pumyra starts to strike the Thundertank with the implement.
Pa: "BEEEEP! What in the BEEEP do you think you are doing, BEEEP?"
       Pumyra tries to find a chink in the armor and open the Thundertank but cannot, she throws away the crowbar and gets out a can of red paint and shakes it.

Pu:"Panthro this is your last chance it's either me or the Thundertank."
      There is silence for a moment.

Pa: "Fine! BEEEEP, i'll take the BEEEEPin' 'Tank any day ya' BEEEP!"
       Angry, Pumyra begins to spray paint bats on the outside of the Thundertank.

Pu: "BEEEEP, you, Panthro, and BEEEEP your Thundertank too! You probably BEEEEP already are!"

    The crowd chants: "PUMYRA, PUMYRA, PUMYRA, PUMYRA! HOO,HOO,HOO,HOO!  Pumyra smiles and give the audience the "thumbs up".
 

J:  I would like for you to welcome the mightiest of the Thundercats, please if you would put your hands together for Panthro.
      Cue Panthro in the Thundertank music: The Thundertank bursts through the backstage wall, Panthro jumps out of the Thundertank and begins yelling expletives.

Pa:"BEEEEEEP! How dare you come in between me and my baby? Can't you see it's over between us? BEEEP You and BEEEP yourself, I have something more here than you could ever offer!"
       Panthro points at the Thundertank with pride and winks at it.

Pu: "I still love you!"  Pumyra plaintively whines.

Pa: "Who cares?  You had better not try to hurt my woman again, or else!"
      The crowd boos Panthro, then roars when Bengali leaps out onstage and Steve has to restrain him.

B: "You suck, Panthro, you don't deserve Pumyra!"
      Panthro feigns fear, and laughs. Pumyra wipes her eyes.

B: "How could you do this to her?"

Pa: "Why don't you shut up you little wuss, I can kick your BEEEEEP! I BEEEP bigger than you!  Why don't you go find Tygra and BEEEP Then get Lion-O to help you BEEEEP and then BEEEEP and then take a BEEEEP BEEEEEP!"
       Bengali makes an attempt to attack Panthro, Steve and the other's hold him back and Pumyra looks at Bengali in shock.

Pu: "Tygra?"

Pa: "Yeah, right, honey, didn't you notice how that those two have been doing so much supplemental "mapmaking"?"
      Pumyra looks at Bengali, he looks away.

Pu: "Ben, why?"

Pa: "Cause he's a pervert!"

B: "Who you callin' a pervert, MACHINE BEEEEEEEEP!"
     Panthro makes a face and Bengali tries to rush Panthro again Steve makes him sit down.

J: "Well, Panthro is there something you would like to say? Or do?"
      Jerry smiles and rubs his hands together.
      A priest walks out on stage with issue number three of the Thundercats comic book by Marvel Comics,  "Siege In Silver and Stone".

Pa: "There sure is, Jerry."
      Panthro kneels in front of the Thundertank and takes a ring out of his suit.  Pumyra is being held back by Bengali and Steve.

Pa: "Thundertank, will you marry me?"

Pu: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
        Pumyra has to be restrained by Steve and three other guards.  Panthro stands beside the Thundertank and takes his vows.
Preacher: "Do you vow to take care of this vehicle and give it regular maintenance?" Panthro looks at Pumyra and Bengali then smiles wickedly.

Pa: "I already do."
      The audience says, "EWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

Preacher: "I now pronounce you man and machine, you may now kiss the, um, whatever."   Panthro gives the Thundertank a passionate kiss, the audience goes nuts and Pumyra throws a boot at Panthro.

Pa: "KISS MY GRAY BEEEEEEEEEP!"

J: "We'll be back."

      Slow music plays. a few hundred Micrits and Kudi have seductive looks on their faces as Monkian and Jackalman fan them with large feather fans. "Hello, my name is Kudi, how would you like to talk to me and all of these lovely little people and make your wildest fantasies come true? Reeeowwwwrrrrr!  All you have to do is call 1-900-HOT-KITY.   We're waiting for you."  Kudi blows a kiss, S-S-Slithe trips and drops a plate of fruit, and kills a few of the Micrits.  Small print flashes on bottom screen, it says 10 credits a minute.  Black screen.
      (Imagine an affected Carribean accent for this one-TCR)
      Cheetara looks into camera, she has a tiger print turban on her head. The screen flashes a phone number 1-900-CHAR-LATN.   "Hello Honey Child, call Mistress Cheetara right now and see what your future is in de cards." Cheetara shuffles tarot cards and cradles a telephone receiver on her ear and shoulder. "I hate to have to tell you dis' Honey, But you got de card wid' de man with a skull hanging out of de back of his backside yeah, dat means you gonna die soon!" The first caller yells and hangs up.
      Cheetara talks to the second caller,  "Oh, child, do you man sound like dis?  Oh, honey, I love you, I need you, you are de only one for me? Yes!" Says the other woman on the phone. "Well Honey, I sorry to be de one who be tellin' you dis', whooooo but he be a liar and he is de skank ho too, and he be messin' around on you, wid' you best friend no doubt.  He be de father of you baby too ain't he girl? Yes, Cheetara, you are absolutely right! Well you should have thought about dat before you BEEEEP!"
      Commercial turns to another caller. "Yeah,"  Says Cheetara. "dat's right you man is having an affair, go cut off his BEEEEP, maybe he stay at home den' dat's right!" The caller sobs and hangs up. Cheetara looks into camera. "Dat's right just call me and we see what de cards and stars hold for you. CALL ME NOW!!!!"   Black screen.

       Snarf sits in the middle of the floor working a puzzle. "Snarf,snarf, don't let the curse of incontinence stop you from enjoying the active lifestyle that you have become accustomed to, brrrrrrrr. Do what Snarf does, use these "It Depends" adult Snarf undergarments, snarf, snarf. Look." Screen shows multiple ply layers of absorbent material, Red-Eye wearing a lab coat pours blue liquid onto the undergarment, and it soaks up every drop.  Red-Eye demonstrates the hole in the back of the undergarment to accommodate a snarf's tail.  "Brrrrr, i'll let you in on a little secret, snarf, snarf," Snarf winks. "i'm relieving myself right now, brrrrrrrrr!"  Snarf smiles and Lion-O shakes his head, and says, "You rascal!"  Black screen.

      Jerry Springer logo pops back up on screen, the audience yells and throws condoms at the stage.

J: Welcome back. Now I have saved the best for last I would like for all of you to all put your hands together for the king of beasts, the mighty Lion-O, Lord of the Thundercats.

      The crowd gasps, then roars as Lion-O walks out onstage wearing a large pink felt hat, it along with the Sword of Omens and Claw Shield, all have large pink ostrich feathers hanging out of them.  He is wearing a stark white zoot suit, and has about thirty gold rings on each finger. He carries under his arm a cane. Tygra walks out wearing a skimpy pair of fluorescent green tiger print jockey shorts, Cheetara is wearing a black teddy, Wilykit has on a skimpy pair of "Daisy Dukes" and a tube top.  The audience chants "CHEETARA TAKE IT OFF, CHEETARA TAKE IT OFF, CHEETARA TAKE IT OFF!"  Cheetara stands on the stage and runs her hands up her body, then flashes the audience. The crowd goes wild.  Wilykit follows suit.

J: "Hello, Lion-O"
    Lion-O smiles, he has a mouth full of silver and gold teeth.

L: "Hello Jerry!"

J: "That's quite an entourage you have there."
      Lion-O grins and slaps Wilykit on the behind, as well as Tygra.

L:"Pimpin' ain't easy, Jerry, but it for damn sure is rewarding!"

J: "I guess that's why they call you "Lion-Ho"!"

L: "You know it, Jerry!"
      The audience laughs, Jerry smiles.  Lion-O looks to his side and throws a fit.

L: "BEEEEEEEEEP! Pumyra where were you last night? You were supposed to take care of the Robear Berbil fire fighter's convention! I'm gonna BEEEEP slap you!"

B: "Tygra, how could you?"

T: "Gods, Ben, I gotta make money to live, why do you think we met like we did?"

B: "HOW COULD YOU?"
      Bengali jumps towards Tygra, Lion-O jumps up and brains him with his cane.

T: "BEN!"

J: "Nobody beats MY ho's without payin' first!"

J: "How chivalrous!"

J: "Well, everyone we have one last guest.  Put your hands together for Wilykat."

       Audience roars as Wilykat hurls a chair at Lion-'s head and it makes a direct hit, knocking out Lion-O. Cheetara and Tygra jump up and try to attack Wilykat, Steve and the other cops grab them, Cheetara's teddy tears revealing her chest, the censor blur covers her shame.  The audience roars, the males chant, "WHO LET THE DOGS OUT, HOO, HOO, HOO, HOO, HOO!"
      Cheetara and Tygra are made to sit down, they are guarded by Steve and the others.  Cheetara tries to make her tattered clothing cover her body. Lion-O comes to.

J: "Well, Wilykat? What do you think of your sister's choice in career?"
      Wilykat thinks for a moment.

W-kat: "Well, it's nice that everyone else has broken her in, but I want her just for myself now."
       Wilykat nervously gets out a wedding ring.

W-kat: "'Kit, I love you very much, I can't stand to see you used so much by everyone else, I hardly get a chance to anymore, will you marry me?"
      Wilykit looks at her brother warily.

W-kit: "Why not, what's a little incest between family?"
      Wilykit and  Wilykat kiss passionately, as well as deeply. Lion-O tries to jump the couple, but Steve and the other cops stop him.  Pumyra throws her other boot at Panthro, he dodges it and flips her off.
      Preacher steps forward, and takes the Thunder kitten's vows, then pronounces them man and wife.  Lion-O sulks.

J: "What's wrong Lion-O?"

L: "I guess that I have to pay to sleep with her now!"
       Wilykat looks at his new wife.

W-kat: "Not if I get to watch, and take video."

L: "It's a deal!"

J: "It does my heart good to see everyone getting along so well, now!"
       Jerry yawns.

J: Well everyone, we're almost out of time, Tygra?"
       Tygra looks at Bengali.

J: "Tygra you have something that you would like to say to Bengali?"
      All eyes are on Tygra.

T: "Ben?" Tygra looks away. "I love someone else."
       Bengali gets enraged.

B: "Who?"  He says irately.

T: "I love R.D. Rivero, I love the sensual way he writes about me, it's magic, he captures my primal magic! Once you go R.D., you never go back!"
      R.D Rivero bounds up onstage. Tygra grabs him, and gives him a deep passionate kiss. R.D. Rivero manages to get his hands around Tygra's neck and with a violent movement snaps it. Tygra's body falls to the floor with a thud.

R.D. "Take that Mary-Sue!"

      The audience looks on in shock. then chants "MARY-SUE, MARY-SUE, MARY-SUE, MARY-SUE!"
       Bengali falls to the floor and cradles Tygra's limp body and shakes his fist in the air screaming,

B: "DAMN YOU RIVERO! YOU KILLED MY TYGRA AGAIN!"

     R.D.Rivero flips off Bengali and the other Thundercats and runs away.

J: "We'll be back."

     A monster truck rally commercial comes on. "SUNDAY, SUNDAY, SUNDAY, SUNDAY! Come one come all to the Third Earth monster truck rally, see the famous Thundertank face off against the RatStar, and Mu-Tank." Footage of a flaming Mutant Fistpounder sailing over fifty school buses flashes over the screen. "Watch the famous Monkian and Team Poo-Thrower attempt to beat their own record and jump over eighty burning school buses. Remember, Sunday is candy fruit and beer night, Berbils get in free!"  Black screen.

      Commercial flashes up: Ratar-O holds his neck, Jackalman holds his groin rolling on the ground, and Monkian bleeds profusely.   An important sounding deep voice speaks.  "Have you been injured through Thundercat violence? Let a real legal team handle your insurance claim. Call Thundera Tiger, and Lady Thundera Ambulance Chasing Legal Offices, We don't take "no" for an answer." Thundera Tiger and Lady Thundera are holding baseball bats with nails sticking out of them, they grin menacingly. Black screen.

      Jerry Springer logo pops back up. audience chants, "JERRY, JERRY, JERRY, JERRY, JERRY!

J: "And we're back."

      Jerry walks up into audience and holds microphone for audience member, Robear Belle. She says in her high pitched robotic voice,
RB: "Can I rub Steve's head?"

      The audience goes wild as the barrel shaped Robear runs down and rubs Steve's head. The audience chants, "STEVE, STEVE, STEVE, STEVE, STEVE, STEVE, STEVE!"

      Jerry holds the microphone for another audience member. "Yes, I want to talk to Cheetara," Baron Tass holds up a credit. "what will a credit get me?" Cheetara hisses, "I wouldn't touch you to scratch you, go find Torr, or Mr. Grubba, BEEEEEP!" Baron Tass lumbers down the aisle to kick Cheetara's behind, three cops stop him, Steve has to hold Cheetara.
      Jerry holds microphone for another audience member, a sweet grandmotherly figure steps up. "This one um, Pumyra, Honey, you need to drop these zeros and find yourself a hero, and the rest of you, BEEEEEEEEEEP all of you, you all are sick and you belong in BEEEEEP!"
      Jerry holds microphone for final audience member. "Chilla, honey, you need to just stay with Mandora, girlfriend, and you, Bengali, we can be evil together, and warp each other's minds!" The Mad Bubbler sits down.
      Jerry steps over to the side and delivers his final word.
      Jerry looks into the camera with feigned wisdom and delivers his speech.
      "It is simply not enough to love someone and then be unfaithful, you must love the one you are committed to, and if you don't love the one you are committed to then you don't love them. It doesn't matter if you have the strongest relationship in the universe, if you don't trust each other you don't have anything." Jerry wipes his eyes with a handkerchief. "If you don't have trust then you don't have love, if you have no love then you can't trust." Jerry continues on, Panthro takes aim with his wife's laser cannons. "Therefore if you are cheating with someone HUUURRRRKKKKK!" Jerry's guts are sprayed all over the walls and the audience.  Panthro kisses the Thundertank and pats it. "Direct hit, baby!"
The End