………The Duck Pond was closed to the public, but Mr. Palmfeather, the Mighty Ducks’ agent, had left the side door open for me. The Ducks were going through the last drills of their practice when I took a seat in the stands and arranged my things. I’ve never been particularly fond of sports, but my years playing soccer allowed me to appreciate at least some of the scene on the ice. Admittedly, it was mostly the part concerning my lack of participation in the activity that I was appreciating. Finally, practice came to an end, and the subject of my interview retreated to the locker room, shooting a dirty look at his manager on the way.
………After a short wait, Duck L’Orange reemerged wearing something sleek and black under a floor-length plum overcoat and a winning scowl plastered across his face. He carried himself lightly, every step full of grace, but he was clearly upset. Halfway across the ice, he glanced up into the stands and caught my eye. His expression softened a bit.
………“Ah’m not gonna to lie to ya; this was not my idea,” he said flatly upon reaching me. “When Phil tole me I was gonna be intuhviewed fuh some magazine, I wasn’t puhticuhluhly lookin’ fouhwuhd to it. An’ Ah’m still not thrilled about tha whole situation.”
………“I’m sorry you feel that way, Mr. L’Orange.”
………“Duke. Look, Ah’m feelin’ a bit peckish. Ya wanna go to the dinuh down tha street?”
………And so it was that, over a large meatball sub and two cups of tea (he paid for mine, despite my protestations, proving that chivalry isn’t entirely a thing of the past, even if only anthropomorphic ducks from another dimension put it into practice), we proceeded with the interview.

AI: So, Mr. L’Orange, you’re a hockey star?
DL: Well, yes, I suppose I am. An’ it’s Duke.

AI: How did you get interested in the sport, Duke?
DL: Mos’ people on Puckworld play hockey – it kinda comes with tha territory. I was nevuh really intuh it, myself, but ya don’t grow up on uh planet of hockey-playuhs without pickin’ up uh thing uh two.

AI: Your words look so nice and modest on the page. Too bad our readers won’t get the full benefit of your rather over-confident delivery...
DL: Ah’m as humble as the next duck. So long as the next duck is ‘Dive.

AI: For our readers’ benefit, “’Dive” is Nosedive Drake, correct?
DL: Yeah.

AI: You and Nosedive have a very competitive relationship.
DL: ‘Dive’s gotta lotta growin’ up ta do, ya know? I just figuah, ‘e needs sumbahdy ta keep ‘im from gettin’ too big fuh ‘is britches. ‘E’s tha little brothuh of tha team, so we all sorta take care of ‘im in our own way. My way happens ta involve deflatin’ ‘is ego whenevuh ‘e needs it.

AI: And I’m sure he’ll appreciate it some day... On Puckworld, you were a jewel thief, correct?
DL: Ah, yes. Knew it would come around ta that. Jus’ thought it’d take a little longuh.

AI: How old were you when you turned to crime?
DL: Young.

AI: How young?
DL: Too young.

AI: Why? What drove you to thievery?
DL: Ah had uh hahd chilehood.

AI: Despite all that, you seem very cultured.
DL: Picked it up along tha way.

AI: Your gang, The Brotherhood of the Blade; you were pretty notorious?
DL: Yeah. Tha best.

AI: You sound like you’re proud of your reputation.
DL: Well, yes an’ no. Ah’ve made some bad choices, but Ah’ve nevuh been one ta tuhn in shoddy wuhk, if ya know what I mean. Ah’m proud of tha quality of tha job I did, but not tha job itself.

AI: Can you tell me about your most memorable jewel heist?
DL: [grins puckishly, but makes it obvious he doesn’t intend to answer]

AI: Well, then. How did you get the nick in your beak?
DL: Occupational hazuhd.

AI: And where did you lose your eye?
DL: Who sez I lost it? [another puckish grin]

AI: Is the stripe in your hair natural?
DL: Let’s jus’ say, Ah’m aimin’ fuh immouhtality. Ah’ve nevuh dyed, and I don’t intend ta.

AI: Ah, there’s that wit... There are many who consider your sense of humour to be your biggest failing.
DL: What can I say? I like ta think Ah’m pretty punny.

AI: Ha ha. Back to the important questions. What made you give up the life of crime?
DL: I realized that tha fate uh my planet was more impouhtant than uh few hunks uh rock. Not tuh mention tha fact that Malluhry, an’ theuhfouh tha military, suddenly knew wheuh ta find me.

AI: Do you have any advice for today’s youth?
DL: Find somethin’ ya love an wuhk fuh it. Be loyal ta yaself and ya true friends. An’ keep ya morals in line.

AI: Excellent advice. Now, I sort of anticipated that your answers would be a little on the shorter side, so I’ve brought along the Bernard Pivot Personality Questions in order to flesh the article out a bit more.
DL: Fine with me.

AI: What’s your favourite word?
DL: Redemption.

AI: What is your least favourite word?
DL: Traituh.

AI: What turns you on?
DL: Uh sense uh style.

AI: What turns you off?
DL: Scales.

AI: Like bathroom scales, or like—
DL: Lizuhd scales.

AI: Ah. What sound do you love?
DL: Velvet on velvet.

AI: What sound do you hate?
DL: Sirens.

AI: What profession other than your own would you like to try?
DL: I dunno...Guitahrist...?

AI: What profession would you not like to participate in?
DL: Gahbageman.

AI: What’s your favourite kind of cheese.
DL: Brie. Wait. That’s not one uh tha questions...

AI: Yeah. That’s one of my own... Okay, last one. If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
DL: Suhprise!