Limits,

Where are they? How do we handle them? Is there any such thing?

I don’t really like the term "crush," it sounds so childish, but what else is there to call it? Love is far too strong a word, and like is too general. I can say I have an "interest" in someone, but that sounds too sterile. So perhaps crush is the right word, you be the judge. I’ve had a constant "crush" on two people for well over a year now, and I’m beginning to reach my limit with both of them, or so I hope.

Girl A

She was the first to attract my attention, and she is still foremost in my mind. She is not really the type I usually go for, personality wise anyway. She’s far more outgoing, adventurous, intelligent, and charismatic than I am. It’s not that any of those are bad traits, I just have a tendency to feel overwhelmed when presented with proof of my own inadequacy that way. So I don’t generally spend enough time around someone like that to build an interest in them. Girl A is different though. Somehow, in a way I can’t even begin to understand, she and I have developed a connection. A friendship that is strong enough to prevent me from fleeing, and also prevent me from acting on my crush.

I can’t tell her how I feel because she’s not interested in me, and the rejection would probably be too embarrassing to forget. It would destroy our friendship. By the same token I’ve noticed that I am distancing myself from her, not because I wish to be around her any less, but because I’m afraid she’ll realize how I feel. This too is damaging our friendship, so it seems I’ve run out of options. I’m not a man to give up easily though, so I’m creating a new option. I won’t tell her how I feel, but I will make sure she figures it out on her own. That way she’ll understand my behavior without the confrontation that would inevitably lead to embarrassment on both our parts. That should solve the problem.

Why do I like her? At every turn she does something to make me hate myself for how I feel about her. She knows how I feel about her, we never discuss it with each other, but we’ve both talked it over with a mutual friend. This friend informed me that her reaction to my interest was "Um, I don’t really think of him that way, dating him would be like dating my brother." Brother Syndrome, pure BS, the bane of my existence. So be it, I can handle that.

What I have a problem with is the way she takes advantage of my crush. In the past I’ve discovered that she’s used my feelings to prop up her own ego, an act which costs me nothing, except my respect for her. I’ve put some effort into weaning her of this particular habit the past couple weeks, and I seem to be making progress. Hopefully she’ll let go soon, and allow me to move on.

I know I said there were only two girls, and I wasn’t lying. Girl C is the one I actually have reached my limit with. My friends will be glad to know they no longer have to hear me talk about my "dance partner" after every chance encounter. Hell, I’ll be glad not to tell the stories! Goodbye Girl C, I wish you well, but stay out of my life.

There you have it ladies and gents, a look into my mind. It’s a murky, strange, little world, but I like to think of it as home.