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April 2001

Lisa's Daily Thoughts For April 2001

April 14th
The day before Easter yipee! I am excited? not really. I'm actually quite bored, listening to the constant clicking of me...and Mike at our keyboards. Not much to write about today, except I had a bad one and I miss Rowen. Peed on myself today...you may think it's funny and it is in a way...but you try having Cerebral palsy which is a disability resulting from damage to the brain before, during, or shortly after birth and outwardly manifested by muscular incoordination (muscle spasms) and speech disturbances. And you try going to the bathroom by yourself with no one home. By the way I speak quite fine I just have a lil lisp from time to time.
I wonder if Mike worked on my forum pages any...but he's busy yapping and RPing right now...which I guess I will too so see ya tomorrow!

April 15th
hmmm a good day I suppose...started out bad ended up good. We were suppose to get up at 9:30 am but Mike changed it to 10...we didn't get out of bed until 11:30 am, which would have been better if I could do things myself, but I must rely on him which gets on my nerves a lot of times. Though I've tried to do that before and he got worried and upset at me. Simply because I tried going to the bathroom cause I had to go and I got tired of waiting for him to get up, but I knew he was tired so I didn't want to wake him.
We we also late for Easter dinner, because we got up, prepared and left so late, everyone was leaving when we go there. For anyone who likes to get to things on time or early, knows that being late, gets under your skin easily. But things worked out in the end cause Mike finally spent some time with his Gram (grandma) and they had a nice talk to catch up on things.
It is now hours later same day at 10:24 pm, my mood has darkened for reasons I have yet to understand. Perhaps it is my stress, perhaps I am tired, or am I lonely? All three...? Emotions are so hard to understand sometimes. "I don't know why you're in such a shitty mood tonight." "Poo on you Lisa!" Whether the words were said in irritation or a joke...they have impact on vunerable feelings. I don't know why I am a shitty mood...even if I did would people understand? Poo on me for what? Because I put a stop to something and they didn't like it?
I don't know, this mood has just shadowed me...has for sometime in recent months. I tried working on message boards tonight, my message was lost when aol booted me. Overwhelming sense of failure hit. I reposted but it wasn't the same, tried another one and stopped in the middle of it. Trying to finish this thought but I can't seem to focus. Am I worth as much as people say?Why can I not ever see what they do?
I have RP plans in the next few weeks...wonder if any will show up and participate...or will I be disappointed again? I'll wait to see cause I have no choice. I seek no reassurance for it only works for a lil while then the mood comes back of doubt and questioning...I hate being human. Perhaps I worry and care too much? People tell me I have a great life and wonderful things...if thats true why do I question and doubt myself in the good I try to do and chew myself out, feeling awful when I snap and feel even worse when someone retaliates. I want to be gentle and calm but I realize I cannot be that always, so why when I do break my calm and I do lash out...why do people make me feel it is wrong to do so?
Can I really carry on and not give up? For many months I have debated this and each day my mind presses me forward no matter how much I inwardly struggle. I suppose that is the answer to my own question, but is it? The pressure gets more unbearable every day...how long will it be before I crack? Nothing last right? So is the fight worth it? I believed so once...why are things changing now? Why can I not renew myself? Is this change? Did it come too fast? Was I not ready? Too many questions I cannot answer, too much confusion and heart ache to continue to write..I'm sorry.

Back to main? or would you rather continue. Neither? Then maybe you'd like to see Previous Thoughts If you already on the April Page then clicking on the previous link will take you to may..because April is when I started the "daily thoughts"