Mike Owens
Love your neighbor as yourself.
What Is Love?
Deliberate love ( agape),Love is the deliberate choice to allow another person into your life. This Deliberate Love (God's love) is a deliberate decision of the mind to love someone, no matter what. This love is a love of choice. To accept them unconditionally, to receive all their flaws, as well as all their gifts and perfections. This Deliberate Love is a giving love and is not dependent on the other person. To give to them without care for return payment. This Deliberate Love is a sacrificial love putting the other person first, even if you are not even counted. Deliberate Love is giving yourself to the other person totally, and without reservation or condition, even to the point of death.
But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. .... For if, when we were God's enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life! (see Ro 5:7-11)While we hated God, whether passively through indifference, or actively through choice and rejection, God showed us His love by giving His only Son to die for us!
Inclined Love (phileo),
Inclined Love is the love of affection (man's love). This is the love of best friends, this is the love of parent and child, of brother and sister. This love is the warm fuzzies you get just being around someone. It is thinking about that person all the time. It is day-dreaming about that person. This love is the love that takes delight in being with the other person. It is wanting to sing, to dance, to laugh, to cry, just at the thought of that person. It is having everything remind you of that person. It is seeing only the good in the person, ignoring or minimizing the bad things. It is bringing that person into the conversation, no matter what the topic is. It is finding excuses just to be around that person, just to hear their voice, just to see them, just to touch them. This love makes you long for the person in their absence. It is feeling hurt, feeling pain, feeling empty and alone just to think of that person NOT in your life. It is stretching your comfort zone to allow that person into your life, to please them. It is changing those areas you can change to please the other person, what you think, how you feel, what you believe, where you go, how you act. It is spending anything on the other person, your time, your energy, your money.... everything. :
Jacob was in love with Rachel and said, "I'll work for you seven years in return for your younger daughter Rachel." Laban said, "It's better that I give her to you than to some other man. Stay here with me." So Jacob served seven years to get Rachel, but they seemed like only a few days to him because of his love for her. Ge 29:18-20; see through 29:30Sexual Desire (thelo),
Love is desiring to experience that person totally. Desire is the physical side of love. This is the love of arousal, the erotic love of passion. To touch them, to be touched by them, to taste them, to smell them, to hear them sigh or laugh or cry or moan, to see them totally: to see them naked, or totally exposed, before you, as you are before them. It does not matter if this exposure is literal or not. This is a purposeful craving or hunger for something or someone.
One of the best examples of this love that can be given is found in the Song of Solomon. This book in the Old Testament is a love letter between to lovers who cherish each other tremendously. It is even thought to represent the love affair between Christ and His Bride (the Church). Yes, I have called our relationship with Christ a love affair. Only those persons who are ashamed of the sexual side of love, who think of it as sinful or dirty, an act only to be tolerated for the sake of procreation would be offended by this statement. True love must encompass the totality of man: Body, Soul and Spirit, as God intended for us. I will look more at the Song of Solomon later on.
We have three basic loves mentioned in the Bible: deliberate choice, warm affection and desire, and each is part and parcel of the other. Can you choose to love someone and not feel affection for them? Some would say you can, but I don' think so. Those who say you can only deceive themselves. They tend to approach God and Christianity through the letter of the Law, not through the Spirit.:
He has made us competent as ministers of a new covenant--not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life. 2Co 3:6Can you choose to love someone and not feel desire for them? Not necessarily sexual desire, but desire to know them better then you do? Can you choose to love someone and not delight in being with this person? Can you choose to love someone and not try to find excuses just to be around that person, just to hear their voice, just to see them, just to touch them? Can you choose to love someone and not long for the person in their absence? I don' think so. Have you ever seen a mother or father with a new born child?
Can you have affection for someone and not choose to love them? This may be possible, but only because most of us do not understand love, or are afraid to express love. We "love from afar". Do you not have affection for your children, or parents, or siblings, and you choose to love them, even when they are unlovable?
Can you have affection for someone and not desire to touch them, to be touched by them? It does not matter if this touch is physical or not. Touch is the most basic form of human communication. There is a built-in need for touch, which can have severe consequences to our general well being when we lack this touch in our lives.
Desire is perhaps the only phase of love that can sustain itself (for a short time) without the other two phases. I believe, for most people, this is where their "love" begins, and for most of these people, it is where love ends also. To put it into proper perspective: we fall in LUST with someone, then fall out of LUST when things don't go well.
Now we will look at each of these three basic loves mentioned in the Bible separately and closely to see what love actually is.
What Is Love?
I believe that normally "true" love will follow a certain pattern: attraction, affection, love, desire. For many in the world this pattern is askew: attraction, desire, affection, and then maybe love. For some it is attraction, desire, and then maybe affection and love.
Attraction
First comes attraction, this is fairly obvious, since you must be attracted to the person in the first place, or you won't waste your time with that person. To a certain extent, this is the love of desire. You desire certain traits in a companion, and these are the traits you look for when seeking a partner. Attraction can be many things to many people. A beautiful face can attract, a shapely body, a good sense of humor. A particular feature may attract, such as long hair, short hair, curly hair, strait hair. An attitude may attract, such as friendly, serious, caring, giving, intellectual. Age may be the determining factor, younger, older, same age. Whatever it is for you, you are attracted to the other person. You may approach them, or they may approach you for first contact. You exchange vitals: name, age, occupation (or major interest). You get to know each other on a surface level. You like what you see and know. Things are great!
Affection
When it comes to love, men and women have two entirely different views. Ok, now you've dated a few times, you know each other fairly well, now it's time to make a decision. Do you like this person enough to go to the next step? Or should you drop things and look for someone else? You decide to continue. This is the love of best friends. This love is the "warm fuzzies" love. This love is the love that takes delight in being with the other person, makes you long for the person in their absence. Now is where the main differences crop up.
To the man, the next step is physical. Man, by nature, is a conqueror. He sees everything as a challenge. Love is no exception. He is attracted to the woman, now he must conquer her, have her for his own. A man seldom shows his true emotions. Is the man sad, "I feel fine." Is the man happy, "Well, yippy." Is the man sympathetic, you'll never know. The only emotions a man shows easily is anger and sexual desire. The man is aroused, sexually excited, stimulated. The man, wishing to have sexual relations with the woman, will say and do anything he needs to do to achieve his goal. His only interest at this point is sex.
To the woman, the next step is emotional. The woman is looking for a more meaningful relationship, a relationship of caring, of learning more intimate information about the other, a relationship of feeling. This involves a lot more then just emotions, this involves the five senses: sight, sound, smell, hearing, touch. The physical attractions you first had with the other person. The sighs and hums of the other person interacting with you. The particular body musk produced through desire or physical activity. The hugs and kisses of course, but also the squeezing of hands, the caressing of the face, the hand on the lower back. All these touches say, "I love you" to the woman, and the man will use each and every one of these to achieve his ultimate purpose: to have sexual intimacy with the woman.
The woman, wishing a deeper emotional relationship with the man, will assume he feels the same way as she does. Therefore she will submit to his advances to "meet" his needs. "If you love me, you'll have sex with me." Sound familiar? This is not love, this is lust. Lust always puts ME first, not my partner! This is the biggest mistake a woman (or man) can make in any relationship! The man is not ready for true commitment.
Love always respects the other person: their wishes, their desires, their feelings, their beliefs, their needs. Lust only respects one thing: MY needs!
Love
This is where you decide you really do love the other person, love them enough to want them in your life and part of your life from here-on-out. Remember, Deliberate Love is a deliberate decision of the mind to love someone, this is a giving love, an unselfish act of kindness or gratitude. This is loving, whether love is returned or not, a sacrificial love.
Once a good friendship has been established, things are ready to proceed to the next level. This is where things change drastically. The next stage of a relationship is physical, the need to touch, to embrace, to kiss, to fondle. If you're a man, you've already found sexual desire for your partner. This goes without saying, if you are attracted to her, you want sex with her. You dream about sex with her. You will do or say anything to have sex with her. You are led by your desires and passions. You are very physical by nature.
For women this next stage is emotional, the need to feel love, be more intimate, more caring. You've assumed the other person feels the same way you do and have reached sexual desire (or, at least sexual acceptance) for your partner. You are led by your emotions. You are very loving and giving by nature. Very "touch" oriented.
Women need touch: the hand holding, the caressing, the kissing, but these are not equated with sexual interest or sexual intercourse, though they may eventually lead to sexual interest or intercourse. Men are simply looking for sexual intercourse and will use any of these means to achieve it. For a woman, the emotional phase must be there for her to have sexual satisfaction and fulfillment. For the man, he wants the sexual satisfaction now, and the emotional may or may not come later. Now comes the next step in the "love" process.
Desire
In a good relationship, you have not reached the point of desire yet. Perhaps I should say, you haven't acted on your desire yet. You have met the person and you are attracted to them, for whatever reasons you have. You've dated a few times and the affection between you has grown. Now you feel a real desire for this person. Desire is always physical by nature. It is the physical wants, needs and hungers of the individual, whether sexual or not. It is the physical needs you have. In context with our study, it is the hunger to have this person totally, the need to have this person know YOU totally. You desire to touch, to be touched, to invoke the other senses of smell, taste, sight, and hearing in this new exploration. Flirting, petting, caressing, groping and fondling are all parts and expressions of desire. Desire will usually end in sexual intercourse.