Sometimes I think I have missed the entire point of healing. Some of the goals I've had along the way are writing my story in a book like Sybil, learning the names of all my alters, remembering everything that ever happened to me, becoming one person, becoming a therapist, becoming normal, becoming superior, becoming an artist, becoming a writer and becoming the proprietess of a shelter for RA/MC survivors.
Now after all this time and learning not only from my own mistakes but those of my friends, I am possibly wiser and definitely older. I have been through the medical model of mental illness, existentialist and psychoanalytic theories and through the Christian counseling only school of thought. I have also been born again, died to self and tried to atone for the abuse that was done to me. And finally I have been politically active and written and talked until nobody wants to hear me about stopping child abuse.
All of these are good ideas, but there is a time and a season for everything. I can't deny a self that never existed. A thousand lifetimes of bad karma would not change my victimization, and a thousand "good Lents" well-lived could never atone from my sins. I am born again, and that is a profound spiritual truth. But none of these have taken away my symptoms, integrated my personalities or made me able to earn a living.
So I think it's time for getting down to basics and remembering what all of us know. Dissociative disorders are a response to profound childhood trauma. Dissociative Identity Disorder is a severe form of post-traumatic adjustment, and when it begins to break down I am flooded with flashbacks, strong emotions, and body memories. This I live with on a daily basis, and now I am beginning to find my way out of it.
This article is about what I can do, the least I can do, in fact, to heal. I have finally understood that I am not able to stop the abuse. I am not able to save, direct or guide other survivors. I am not even able to grow spiritually until I have done the basic, simple things. Here they are:
1. Get a roof over my head. It can be bought, rented, donated or borrowed, but it has to be clean, dry, calm and safe.
2. Get income. It can be earned or provided by disability funds or food stamps, but it has to be enough to give me basic food, exercise, social contact and medical care.
3. Get a friend, spouse, or significant other. It can be a volunteer advocate. Having one such person is a blessing and an achievment.
4. Get a therapist who respects me, understands my situation, and commits herself to my well-being.
5. Get a grip on the fact that my body has been changed since day 1 of my trauma and needs care. Get knowledge that I have to work with the symptoms, psychosomatic disorders and dysfunctions that plague my body and mind as a result of my trauma. I might always startle easily and show emotional triggers based on my abuse.
6. Having done the first five things -- and I think they are not negotiable -- I have to commit myself to becoming whole. Goals and careers and skills might come, but these are the first things.
If you are a newly identified survivor or an old pro please consider doing these things. I will try to build links to help you. If you have suggestions please email me. I will add to these concepts in order that we can all build ourselves strong foundations. I will do so slowly, because I am working on my healing now. This is the most necessary step.
Love,
Gabriella
