Funnies
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With Big Duncan out injured Everton ensure that Kevin Campbell doesn't become another casualty. |
Ronaldo denies glue sniffing rumours |
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Before you go any further take a moment to appreciate the intricate tactics behind the great games of the Euro 2000 tournament. |
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This section is dedicated to the heroic English team Oxo were going to bring out a Euro 2000 commemorative cube painted red, white and blue in honour of the England squad. But it was a laughing stock and crumbled in the box. Rumours that David Beckham was seen successfully seducing a young woman in a Brussels nightclub with a one-liner have been completely refuted by the English FA. Adam Crozier, chief publicity officer stated: "I find it totally preposterous to suggest that one of our players could make a successful pass to or at anyone." More news to follow later.
Keegan is blaming the defeat on Alex Ferguson claiming that Alex told him Phil Neville was the best left back in the country. Alex Ferguson corrected Keegan saying what he really said was that Phil Neville was best left back in England A kindergarten teacher is explaining to the class that she is an England fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were England fans too. Not really knowing what an England fan was but wanting to be just like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy did not go along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a England fan. "Then, asks the teacher, what are you? "Why I'm proud to be an Irish fan," boasts the little girl. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is an Irish fan. "Well, My Dad and Mum are Ireland fans, and I'm a Ireland fan too." The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your Mum was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then ?" A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Lucy "I'd be an England fan."
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Euro 2000 game
It's the fun Euro 2000 game people all of the country will be playing! Simply print out our list of things to watch out for during coverage of the tournament and award yourself points as soon as they happen. A German player with a mullet? 10 points! Things to watch out for: Shot of field of tulips waving in front of windmill Shot of Norwegian fan wearing Viking helmet Shot of attractive blonde Swedish female fan Ruud Gullit struggling to say something nice about Alan Shearer, who has just scored a hat-trick BBC "surprise guest" Jimmy Hill stumbles into studio wearing novelty bow tie Shot of Mannekin Pis (Brussels statue of little boy having a wee) As above, but with corny voiceover hoping "England don't get caught short tonight" Mention of little Dutch boy who put his finger in the dyke As above, but accompanied by crude laughter from Ally McCoist Studio discussion of "famous Belgians" throws up the names of Hercule Poirot and Plastic Bertrand Commentator praises David Beckham "who's matured a lot in the last two years" Beckham lashes out at opponent following innocuous challenge Diabolical defending (A Hansen) Ooh, look at the muck in here (M Lawrenson) Gabby Yorath makes stupid blunder Gabby Yorath fails to make stupid blunder People say I'm boring, but the lads know I'm a real joker (A Shearer) German player with mullet Czech/Slovenian/Yugoslavian player with mullet Bob Wilson hosting very, very, very late at night highlights show I can't quite put my finger on where we went wrong (K Keegan) Dennis Wise promises to keep his cool and not let anyone down Wise dismissed for reckless lunge at mascot Benelucky, who had been "looking at me funny" Hey, tell you what. Someone says there's a game of football on today. Shall we watch it together? (D Lynam, intro to England v Germany match) England v Germany commentator urging us to "relax - this is a group game, so it can't go to penalties" Rodney Marsh describing the German side as efficent & well organised, conjuring up visions of a Panzer division sweeping across the plains of Eastern Europe On morning of England-Germany game, Alan Ball prattles in the tabloids on about 1966, Sir Alf, Dunkirk spirit, etc Sir Geoff Hurst points out that the ball definitely crossed the line because a poacher like Roger Hunt would definitely have followed up if it hadn't Peter Schmeichel shouting at Danish defenders Clive Tyldesley mentions Manchester United 17 times during first half of game between Belgium and Turkey After a chair is broken by England fans in an Eindhoven bar, The Daily Mail calls for the immediate banning of all football immediately They should birch these hooligans, it's the only language they understand (R Littlejohn) Shot of David Baddiel in stands looking smug as crowd sing 'Three Lions' Shot of Prince Charles in stands looking uncomfortable at having to watch this soccer lark Amanda Holden/Nicole Appleton out of All Saints/Sara Cox ligging at England v Germany match and pretending they've "always been into footy" Posh Spice in stands looking adoringly at D Beckham Posh Spice in stands eating pie Jolly England fans celebrate thrilling 3-2 victory against Portugal by singing meaningless song about the IRA Archive shot of Graham Taylor saying "Do I not like that" Archive shot of Stuart Pearce scoring his penalty and making "that face" This has got to be the worst game of football I've ever seen (A Green, Radio Five Live) Zinedine Zidane referred to as "ZZ Top" Zinedine Zidane referred to as "ZZ Thinning-On-Top" And on the ball now is (insert name of any player from other 15 countrieshere) who has, of course, been linked with a move to Chelsea Frank Leboeuf points out that he has a World Cup winners' medal Tabloids refer to England's first opponents as "the Portuguese men of war" Tabloids explain how David Seaman (36), Tony Adams (33), Martin Keown (33) and Paul Ince (33) will demolish an ageing German outfit whose best days are behind them Serious newsman attempting to deliver insert about potential hooliganism at tonight's match with drunken fans waving to camera behind him As above, but with harassed newsman telling yobs to "clear off" Kevin Phillips mentions that he used to work in a warehouse Alan Shearer just happens to let it slip that he is "just a sheet metal worker's son from Newcastle" England go out of tournament on penalties
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Inflammatory Soccer Phrasebook Now you can understand what the players are saying during Euro 2000. German Den hatte sogar meine Oma versenkt! Even my Granny clould have scored that! Was ist grun und stink nack fisch, Werder Bremen What is green and stinks of fish, Werder Bremen Zieht den Bayern die Lederhosen aus Take away Bayern's Lederhosen (Don't exactly know what this means but if you think about it .........?) Bayern unter alles! Bayern under all!( Bayern for bottom of table) Spanish Este arbitro vaya gilpollas! The referee has a questionable spare time activity! Es un partido detoma y daga It is end to end stuff Barca, Barca Maricones Literally: Barcalona, Barcelona poofters Asi, Asi gana el Madrid So that's the way Madrid wins (ie Madrid has paid off the referee, more commonly used in South America) Italian L'arbitro e un Buffone An italian way of saying that the referee has a questionable spare time activity! Sei cosi merdoso e incredible You're so s**t it is unbelievable Juve, Juve vanfanculo Juve, go screw yourself E una partita molto comattuta It is real to end stuff Chi non salta Azurri e! Who isn't jumping is a Blue (italian) ( One that could have been used in Giant stadium, NY after Houghton's goal) Dutch Hij is een hondelul A dutch way of saying that the referee has a questionable spare time activity! Wat ben jij ongelfelijk klote You're so s**t it is unbelievable Het spel goift op en neer It is real to end stuff Jij mag vroeg gaan doucheen It is an early shower for you ( A certain Frenchman replyed with six studs showing ) O, wat zijn die boeren stil You are all very quiet over there ( Literally: You're not singing anymore) De volgende tegstander is gewaarschund Eamonn Dunphy? Are you watching Eamonn Dunphy? French Le defenseur est unr ane. The defender is a donkey. Un beau jour pour les vairons. A great day for the minnows. Evidement c'est un revers, mais il y a toujours beaucoup a gagner. Obviously this was a sickener, but there's still everthing to play for. Le petit garcon........ a bien fait The boy........ he done well. Putain de con plongeur. You dirty diving bastard. C'est une affresues sortie. It is a terrible way to go out. C'est un match de deux moities. It is a game of two halves. Vous ne chantez plus. You're not singing any more. Faites attention a votre maison Watch your house Je ne sais pas quel match il regardait, l'arbite I do't know what game the referee was watching Allez arbitre, ce n'etait jamais hors jeu C'on ref, that was never offside Scottish Mon tae f**k referee Come on referee You've gota a heid like a ten bob bit You are crap at heading Ba-heid Butthead You useless big midden You useless lump of s**t
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Sunscreen Inside every adult lurks a graduation speaker dying to get out, some world-weary pundit eager to pontificate on life to young people who'd rather be Rollerblading. Most of us, alas, will never be invited to sow our words of wisdom among an audience of caps and gowns, but there's no reason we can't entertain ourselves by composing a Guide to Life for Graduates. I encourage anyone over 26 to try this and thank you for indulging my attempt. Players of the class of '99: Wear shinguards. If I could offer you only one tip for the future, shinguards would be it. The long-term benefits of shinguards have been proved by professional soccer players whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now. Enjoy the power and beauty of the game. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really played. You are not as slow as you imagine. Don't worry about the League standings. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to organise a offside trap blindfolded. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some premiership Saturday. Do one thing every match that scares your manager. Sing Bawdy songs in the back of the bus. Don't be reckless with backpasses. Don't put up with defenders who are reckless with yours. Leave rings and bractlets in the dressing room. Don't waste your time on screaming at the referee. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The match is 90 mins long and, in the end, it's only a game. Remember compliments you receive. File the insults for future games. If you succeed in doing this, You will have a short season. Keep a record of your red cards. Throw away your yellow ones. Stretch. Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want position to play. Some of the most interesting players to watch still don't.The best players I know didn't know how they play but just do it. Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone. Maybe you'll win, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll win the Cup , maybe you won't. Maybe you'll play for Ireland, maybe you'll dance the Macarena at your clubs presenation dinner. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Football is a team game Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid to use it.It's the greatest instrument you'll have to win the ball. Practice ball controll , even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room. Listen to your managers directions, even if you don't follow it. Do not read fan magazines. They will only give you a complex. Get to know your fellow players. You never know when they'll be gone to college. Be nice to your manager. They're your best chance for getting a game and the people most likely to stick with you in the future. Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in drinking binges and transfers, because the older you get, the more you need the people to do the running that you done when you were young. Support Man Utd once, but leave before it makes you soft. Go to an Old Fim Derby , but leave before it makes you hard. Travel. Accept certain inalienable truths: You will get called offside. You will also miss penalties. Also U2 will get old. And when that happens , you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices of jerseys were reasonable, League officals were noble and Mick Mc Carthy was only playing for Ireland. Respect your football pitch and whoever marks it every week. Don't expect anyone to support you for no reason. Support is some thing you earn and lose. Maybe you'll have a wealthy team sponsor. But you don't spend it all in one season. Don't mess too much with your hair on the pitch or by the time you notice the ball it will have gone by you. Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth. But trust me on the shinguards. |
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This is the true story of a match played between Barbados and Grenada in cup competition. Barbados needed to win the game by two clear goals in order to progress to the next round. Now the trouble was caused by a daft rule in the competition which stated that in the event of a game going to penalty kicks, the winner of the penalty kicks would be awarded a 2-0 victory. With 5 minutes to go,Barbados were leading 2-1, and going out of the tournament (because they needed to win by 2 clear goals). Then, when they realized they were probably not going to score against Grenada's massed defence, they turned round, and deliberately scored an own goal to level the scores and take the game into penalties. Grenada, themselves not being stupid, realized what was going on, and then attempted to score an own goal themselves. However, the Barbados players started defending their opponents goal to prevent this. In the last five minutes, spectators were treated to the incredible sight of both team's defending their opponents goal against attackers desperately trying to score an own goal and goalkeepers trying to throw the ball into their own net. The game went to penalties, which Barbados won and so were awarded a 2-0 victory and progressed to the next round. |
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