Chapter 13: True Colors


Shortly before noon, Goldilocks and the Big Bad Wolf emerged 
from the forest at the edge of Duloc proper and found 
themselves looking across a few hundred yards of long, hilly 
green fields at the walled city and its incredibly tall castle.  
As they emerged, they thought they heard a chorus of fairies 
singing something about being out of the woods.  They looked 
about confusedly for the source, but the music had stopped.  
They ended up looking at each other, pausing, and then just 
shrugging.

"Well, there it is, Kid," the wolf said, gesturing toward the 
city, "Duloc.  Bigger and gaudier than ever.  You sure you wanna 
go through with this?"

"Oh, yes!" Goldilocks said, "Queen Fiona might --" Goldilocks 
paused as across the fields she could hear the sound of the 
distant chant of hundreds of voices.  It sounded like they were 
saying, "Free them!"

"Oh, my!" Goldilocks said, "Something's happening!" She looked 
at the broomstick with disgust and shook it.  "Boy, do I wish I 
could get this thing to fly right now," she said with 
frustration.

"Y'know, Kid, I've been thinking about that," the wolf said.  
"I believe I know what you need to get off the ground."

"What's that?" she asked excitedly.

"T-h-r-r-r-r-u-s-t!" the wolf smiled, rolling his r's.  "If you 
catch a good tail wind at takeoff, I think the thing's flying 
motor -- or whatever it uses -- just might kick in."

"But ... how do I catch such a wind?" she asked, somewhat 
disappointed.

"Well, I don't mean to brag, Kid," the wolf replied, rubbing 
the back of the claws of one paw against his nightgown and then 
looking down at them mercurially, "but when it comes to 
creating big winds, I'm a bit of an expert.  Now, straddle that 
thing, point it to Duloc, and hang on for a ride!"

Goldilocks hesitated just a moment more, skeptically looking 
down at the broom. Then she looked back toward the city of 
Duloc, noticing that the chant had died down.  Then suddenly 
she heard several screams.  Hesitating no longer, she quickly 
straddled the broom, took a firm hold of its upper staff, and 
pointed it toward the castle.  "Okay, go!" she said, then bit 
her lip in anticipation.

The wolf quickly positioned himself several feet behind 
Goldilocks, facing her back as she faced the castle.  Then his 
chest heaved like a great balloon as he huffed, and he puffed, 
and then he blew a great burst of wind toward the back of and 
below the little girl.  Goldilocks squealed as she was swept 
into the air.  Then, suddenly, just as the wolf had predicted, 
something "clicked" in the broom and it started flying on its 
own.  Unfortunately, it truly WAS flying on its own, as a 
terrified Goldilocks found herself being flow higher and higher 
in an erratic flight path by a broom which she had no control 
over.

"NO!  WAIT!  NOT THERE!  TOWARD THE CASTLE!" she shouted as the 
broom spiraled upwards several hundred feet, then suddenly 
veered up and away from the castle and zoomed off into the 
clouds somewhere in the opposite direction of Duloc.

On the ground below, the wolf grimaced as he saw the broom 
disappear and heard the fading strains of Goldilocks yelling 
"NOOOOoooo..."

"Maybe that wasn't such a good idea," he said regretfully to 
himself, then looked around, embarrassed.

He swung his head instinctively back in the direction of Duloc 
as the clock struck noon.  He wondered about the loud noises 
were that kept drifting across the field, and just what WAS 
going on in there to cause them.

*     *     *

"CAPTAIN GLEDIUS, SLOWLY PUT DOWN THE AXE AND STEP AWAY FROM 
THE OGRESS," a bullhorn sounded, stunning everybody in the 
stadium into silence.

Gledius, axe raised and ready to strike, looked back in the 
direction of the sound -- which was from the tall podium where 
he had so recently stood.  He saw Beaglely standing there now, 
a bullhorn in his right hand, looking almost casually down at 
the scene playing itself out below him.  The clock continued to 
chime the remaining strokes of noon as the people in the stands 
gathered in the unexpected scene before them.

"I -- I am simply carrying out the legal sentence, Mr. 
Beaglely," Gledius shouted back up, trying to regain some of 
his composure, "And aren't you confused about my title?"

"No, sir, I am not," Beaglely replied, again through the 
bullhorn, "But you are no longer Governor, and the sentence is 
now null and void."

Gledius's eyes widened.  "WHAT?!" he shouted, his voice 
cracking slightly.

"The sentence called for the execution of 'Fiona, Queen of 
Duloc' and her confidants.  As of the stroke of noon, Queen 
Fiona had officially resigned her crown, as per prearrangement 
in a document she signed prior to her arrest.  Thus there IS no 
longer a 'Queen Fiona' to be executed.  And if there is no 
queen, then there are no queen's confidants."

Gledius's jaw dropped, but not the axe.  "That's legal double-
speak!" he shouted up at the little man.

"No, sir, it is part of the new Constitution of Duloc," he 
said, and lifted his left hand, which grasped the document that 
he and Fiona had spent so much effort on the night before.  "As 
of noon, the monarchy in Duloc is dissolved.  It is now a 
democracy, and has no provisions for a military dictatorship 
such as provided by the former 'Military Governor' clause.  You 
are hereby remanded to your former rank of Captain of the 
Guards."

"A DEMOCRACY?!" Gledius laughed.  "With THESE lemmings?  Are 
you MAD?  These people couldn't find their way of a wet paper 
bag without someone there to tell them ... how ..."  Gledius 
bit his lip as he heard the increased murmuring and noticed the 
caustic stares being sent his direction by more and more of the 
people in the stands.  He quickly changed tacks.  "And why 
didn't you TELL me about this little 'Constitution' of yours 
before now?  The ogress's little speech was the first I'd heard 
of it."

"You didn't ask," Beaglely shrugged.

Gledius's eyes blazed with anger.  "So, if I am but 'Captain' 
again, who is the leader of this -- this 'democracy' of yours?" 
he spat.

"That would be me," a third voice answered.

Gledius swung his gaze to the voice's origin.  Mayor Milquest 
was now on the stadium ground, standing beside Maximus.  The 
mayor raised one not entirely steady finger toward Gledius.  
"Captain, you are n-now under my command.  I order you to drop 
that axe and leave the q-- the princess alone."

Gledius stared at the mayor in shock.  The piggish politician 
was actually trying to give HIM an order!  The captain looked 
beside Milquest to Maximus, expecting support.  But the 
lieutenant looked from Beaglely over to Milquest, then back to 
Gledius.  After a moment Maximus said, "You'd better do as 
you're ordered ... Captain, sir."

Gledius gaped.  The stadium crowd fell silent.  The axe started 
to waver.  As it did so, Gledius's eyes wandered from the 
lieutenant down to the helpless Fiona below him.  From the part 
of her face that he could see, he saw one eye slanted up 
towards him, and the part of her mouth that he could make out 
was curled in a smile.  But it was not a pleasant smile.  It 
was a smile of triumph.  It was a smile Gledius could not 
stand.

Gledius's own lips curled in fury and he raised the axe again.  
Fiona's smile vanished.

The crowd again gasped, but their gasp was overridden by 
Milquest's loud, "CAPTAIN!  I SAID DROP THAT AXE!"

Gledius looked back at Milquest.  The axe remained at its 
zenith.  "And what if I DON'T?" the captain challenged.

Milquest stared at Gledius for a moment.  The captain's eyes 
were wide and wild.  It was occurring to Milquest that the man 
was not totally sane anymore.  The mayor turned to Maximus.  
"Lieutenant?" he said, part questioning, part imploring, and 
part ordering.

Maximus did not look back at Milquest.  Instead, he too 
continued to stare at Gledius for a few seconds.  Maximus's 
lips were pursed and his face reflected a brief inner conflict.  
Then the lieutenant looked at the guards on the wagon.  The 
closest were still a few feet from Gledius, and if they rushed 
him it would be too easy for the captain, in his current rash 
state, to strike with the axe before they reached him.  Maximus 
then looked up at the circle of crossbowmen around the stadium 
-- and shook his head.  It was obvious that if any were to 
attempt a shot, it would be too easy to miss and hit Fiona.  At 
last the lieutenant turned to one of his guards a few yards 
away, one who was also carrying a crossbow, and signaled to 
him.  The guard rushed over and Maximus took the crossbow.  He 
quickly cocked it and took aim at Gledius's exposed chest just 
ten yards away.  "Drop the axe, Captain," Maximus said, his 
tone somewhere between command and plead.

If Gledius had looked unstable before, the expression that his 
face assumed now wiped away the remaining shreds of sanity.  He 
began to speak, his voice on the verge of laughter that held no 
mirth.  "Why, lieutenant!  I'm disappointed by both your 
disloyalty and your gullibility!  But if I am to be the last 
defender of Duloc from this monstrous coup -- or should I say, 
MONSTERS' coup -- so be it!"  Maximus did not respond, but 
neither did he lower the crossbow.  Gledius's eyes narrowed, 
and he continued, "Lieutenant, I do believe that even if you 
were to fire that thing, I would still be able to complete my 
axe-stroke, even if it were to be, so to speak, the last thing 
I did.  It IS poised now, is it not?  Even in the off-chance 
that your aim were so true that your bolt were to instantly ... 
incapacitate me and I were simply to drop the axe, the tool 
could still do some serious damage to your precious ogress, 
could it not?"

Maximus did not lower his crossbow, but the focus of his vision 
did shift briefly from the bead he had drawn on Gledius's chest 
to the oh-so-sharp blade that was poised above his former 
queen.

"TOSS THAT THING ASIDE, NOW!" Gledius suddenly erupted in a 
voice that bore some of his old command and more than a little 
madness, his hands tightening even more on the axe handle.

With a sign of frustration and resignation, Maximus lowered his 
aim and then flung the crossbow aside.  It landed with a thud 
in the sand some fifteen yards directly in front of the wagon.  
Remarkably, its bow did not break and its bolt did not fire.

Gledius then jerked his head toward the guards on the wagon, 
who were anxiously watching the scene, their swords at the 
ready.  "TELL THEM TO BACK OFF!" the captain ordered.  The 
guards looked at Maximus.  After a brief hesitation, the 
lieutenant looked back at the guards and gestured with his head 
for them to move away.  They did so, backing away slowly from 
the drama at the front of the wagon until they had all 
descended the ramp at the back.

Gledius watched as the guards backed off the wagon, then looked 
over at Maximus and Milquest, standing anxiously but 
powerlessly several yards away, then looked up at Beaglely, who 
stared dispassionately down at the scene from the high podium, 
bullhorn in his hand but nothing to say.  Gledius then looked 
down at Fiona and saw the fear in her face as she struggled to 
rise and to free her hands, both struggles bearing no fruit.  
"Well, your Majesty," Gledius mocked, that dangerously mad look 
settling into his features, "it appears you've run out of 
would-be heroes!  Now, shall we cut to the chase?"

Gledius was taking last aim at Fiona's neck when Shrek's voice 
boomed just a few feet from him, "GLEDIUS, WAIT!!!"

Startled, Gledius looked over at the ogre.  To the captain's 
relief, he saw that the beast was still on his knees and his 
hands bound behind him.  But at only about six feet away, he 
was still uncomfortably close.  "STAY AWAY, BRUTE, OR I'LL ..." 
again his brandished the axe above Fiona's head.

"Wait, Gledius listen to me -- please!  Ye don't need to do 
this!" Shrek implored.  But as he did so, with his wide body 
positioned so that it blocked the captain's view of Donkey 
behind him, Shrek began gesturing with the fingers of his 
hands.  He pointed back at Donkey, then his fingers made a 
gesture like teeth biting, and then he pointed up toward the 
knot in the rope that bound his wrists.  At first Shrek heard 
Donkey made a too-familiar "huh?" sound, and hoped that Gledius 
did not also hear it.  The ogre tried to hide his frustration 
as he repeated the gestures, all the time speaking to the 
captain in a loud, plaintive voice.  "Please, Gledius, you're 
making a huge mistake!  Okay, I know that maybe ye really, 
really think that we planned everything from the beginnin' and 
I know I showed ye a lot of disrespect.  But think about what 
you're doin', man!  You'll be guilty of murderin' an innocent 
woman!"

"WOMAN!"  Gledius laughed, near hysterics, "You call this ... 
THING ... a WOMAN!"

Fiona's face flushed and her terrified expression was 
temporarily replaced by one of rage.  She again strained at the 
rope binding her hands, and again it was in vain.  But then 
Shrek felt Donkey's lips brush his own hands and then felt the 
equine's teeth began nibbling at the knot binding his wrists.  
It would not be long now, he realized -- if he could just 
distract Gledius a little longer ...

"I know what ye mean," the ogre stammered, "she's not much to 
look at NOW, but think about how pretty she was B'FORE!"  Here 
Shrek tried to ignore the disbelieving gaze Fiona aimed at him 
with her one exposed eye.  "She was a real knockout, wasn't 
she?"

A look of confusion began to cloud Gledius's face.  "Well, yes 
..." he conceded.

"An' ye know what changed that, Gledius?" Shrek continued, 
"*I* did!  Me!  Ye were right, Gledius!  Ye were right all 
along!  But it wasn't HER that did the magic!  It was ME!  *I* 
cast a spell an' changed her!  *I* did that!"

"You did," Gledius echoed dully, his gaze dropping back down at 
Fiona's helpless figure.

"But I can change her back, Gledius!" Shrek continued.  "Let us 
go, and I promise I'll change her back to the way she was 
b'fore!  An' then you can marry her, Gledius!  I mean, you'll 
have rescued her from a life spent -- well, like THAT!  She'll 
be OBLIGED to marry ye, right?"

Gledius looked at Fiona's face.  She had caught on to what 
Shrek was trying to do, and tried to muster as much sincerity 
into her voice as she could as she looked back up at the 
captain and said meekly and helplessly, "Yes, please, please 
kind sir, help me ... help me ... I would be SO grateful ..."

Gledius's resolve appeared to fade, and he began to lower the 
axe.  Then, suddenly, his eyes hardened and his lip curled back 
into a sneer.  "TEMPTRESS!" he shouted.  "BOTH OF YOU!  YOU 
THINK I'M A FOOL!!  BUT NOW YOU'LL THINK NO MORE!!!"

The last vestiges of sanity fled from Gledius's face as he once 
more brought the axe up and prepared to strike amidst renewed 
screams of terror from the crowd.  At the same time, however, 
there was a "snap" behind Shrek's back as Donkey bit through 
the last bit of knot.  The ogre lunged forward as Gledius swung 
downward.  Shrek swiped at the blade desperately, and his hand 
struck the side of the axe's head, knocking it off-track and 
out of Gledius's hands.  It missed Fiona's head by a couple of 
inches and buried itself in the middle of the basket below.

"You did it!  Shrek, you did it!" Donkey yelled with glee as 
Fiona sighed with relief and let her body slump in place.

The crowd let go with a collective sigh of relief and a few 
began applauding.  But that also lapsed into silence as they 
saw the new scene building.  Gledius now stood beside the 
chopping block, staring down in disbelief at now-empty hands 
and the safe albeit still bound figure of Fiona.  Then he 
steadily found himself being engulfed in shadow as Shrek slowly 
rose to his full height in front of him.  Gledius's eyes 
wordlessly drifted away from Fiona and began travelling up the 
full figure of the ogre.  Then they finally reached his face, 
and beheld a look of barely restrained fury that the captain 
could only recall from his worst nightmares.  Then one of the 
ogre's eyes began twitching uncontrollably, and a rumble began 
building in his throat.  Gledius's own expression changed into 
one of total terror.  He at last opened his mouth to say 
something, but his words were literally choked off as Shrek's 
right hand flew forward and grabbed the former governor around 
his throat.  Shrek, his face twisted with rage and disgust, 
then lifted Gledius off the ground, his hand slowly tightening 
around the captain's throat as the human coughed and sputtered 
and struggled helplessly at what progressively seemed to be 
turning into a deathgrip.

"Shrek," Donkey ventured dubiously, "uh, what're ya doin'?"  
Shrek ignored him.

"Release him, ogre!" Maximus ordered, moving forward and 
drawing his sword. He stopped a few feet from the front of the 
wagon and said, his voice softer, "Ogre ... Shrek ... we will 
handle him.  Release him ... please."  Shrek ignored him also 
as he continued to stare at the reddening face of the 
struggling man.

"Shrek, let him go!" Fiona said, her voice firm.

Shrek looked back at her.  "He tried t'kill ye!" the ogre 
growled, "He's a would-be murderer!"

"Yes, but you're not!" Fiona replied.  "You know that!  I 
couldn't love you so if you were!"

Shrek looked back at the pitiful figure still dangling from his 
hand.  The ogre's rage seemed to lessen somewhat, but his grip 
remained firm.

"Please!  Shrek!" Fiona implored.  "Let him go!"

"Yes!  Lemme go!  Lemme go!" Gledius managed to sputter in 
crazed panic as he continued to futilely pull at the ogre's 
grip.

Shrek's hard eyes continued to stare at the squirming villain 
in his grasp as he tried to ignore Fiona's pleas.  Then Shrek 
noticed the desperation and helplessness in the human's face as 
Gledius stared back at him in horror, and Shrek's features 
softened briefly.  He forced them to look hard again and a 
half-growl, half-sigh rumbled from the ogre's throat as he 
pulled Gledius closer to him until their faces were virtually 
touching.  Shrek studied the terrified human's face a moment 
longer, and then in a low deep snarl said, "Get lost."  Shrek 
then flung Gledius away.  The captain flew over Maximus's head 
and landed with a grunt in a heap some ten yards in front of 
the wagon.

The crowd gasped, and then cheered again.  Gledius moaned from 
a few bruises and having his breath knocked out of him from his 
short flight, but otherwise seemed physically okay.

Shrek looked down at Fiona.  "Happy?" he asked, sounding 
irritated.

"Very," She replied with some relief, smiling back.

"You've got a real bleedin' heart, y'know that, Fi?"

"No, I'm not bleeding from anywhere ... thanks to you," she 
replied wryly.

Shrek growled and tried to frown, but Fiona's amused "I can see 
through you look" caused one corner of his mouth to break into 
an involuntary grin.

Meanwhile, Gledius, gasping for air, struggled to his knees.  
He pointed toward the wagon.  "Lieuten--  Lieutenant!" he 
managed to say, "Arrest them!"

Maximus looked back at Gledius and stared thoughtfully at the 
captain for a few moments.  Then he turned and took the few 
steps towards the base of the wagon, his sword still drawn.  
The two ogres watched him curiously and cautiously.  As he 
reached the wagon base he looked up and addressed Shrek.  
"Ogre!"

"Aye?" Shrek said warily.

Maximus looked down at his sword.  Then he turned it carefully 
and held it up to Shrek, handle first.  "You might find this 
useful," he said.

Shrek smiled and took the sword.  "Thank ye," he said.  Maximus 
gave a short bow.  

Shrek then turned his attention to Fiona.  He quickly cut the 
rope that held down her head and then sliced through the knot 
that bound her wrist.  Then he tossed the sword back carefully 
to Maximus, who astutely caught it in the air by its handle and 
quickly sheathed it.  Shrek grinned and nodded toward the 
lieutenant, who nodded back.  Maximus then looked up at the 
ring of crossbowmen atop the stadium.  "STAND DOWN!" he 
ordered.  "THERE'LL BE NO KILLING HERE TODAY!"  The crowd 
cheered him as the crossbowmen dropped their aim and uncocked 
their weapons.

Shrek helped Fiona to her feet as she rubbed one of her sore 
wrists with a hand.  "Are ye all right?" he asked.

"I think so," she said, then looked up into his eyes.  "No. I 
know so.  Now."  She smiled.  "Will you never cease to come to 
my rescue?"

"Not if I kin help it, m'lady" he replied, "the rewards're too 
great."

Fiona raised a bemused eyebrow.  "My!  You're even starting to 
TALK like a knight!" she said.  "Perhaps there's a Prince 
Charming in there after all."

"I've been called a lotta things, Fi," Shrek replied, "but 
'charmin' ain't one of 'em.  An' don't expect me t'be changin' 
into one!"

Fiona reached up and stroked his right cheek with her left 
hand.  "I wouldn't change a thing," she said.

Shrek smiled, but then his expression grew more uncomfortable.  
"Uh, Fiona," he murmured, "about the things I was sayin' about 
ye when Gledius had the axe ... ye know that I didn't mean --"

She reached up with her other hand, covered his lips with her 
fingertips, and made a shushing sound.  "I know," she said 
softly, "it's okay.  I know what you were doing."

Shrek took the hand that she held on his mouth, kissed it, then 
said, "Well, for the record, I wanna let ye know that you're 
the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in the whole world, 
just as ye are now, whatever idiots like that Gledius think."

She smiled a not entirely convinced smile and said, "You're 
very sweet to say that."

"I say it 'cause it's true!" he proclaimed.

She looked down shyly.  "I'm afraid you may need to keep 
telling me that for a while," she confessed.

"Every day.  With pleasure," the ogre said, and kissed her hand 
again.

Fiona looked up at Shrek again and offered another smile.  Then 
she blushed and shifted her gaze away -- and found herself 
looking down at Donkey, who was patiently standing there, 
watching the scene before him with an amused smile.  "Hey don't 
let me stop ya!" Donkey said.  "I'm just enjoyin' the show!"

"It's a show that would be canceled now if it weren't for you!" 
Fiona said buoyantly.  Then she kneeled down in front of Donkey 
and stroked the side of his head with her hand, then said 
softly and sincerely, "You are a truly noble steed ... and a 
wonderful and brave friend."

"Ah, shucks, twern't nothin'," Donkey said, somewhat 
embarrassed.  "I was gettin' hungry anyway, an' I need more 
fiber in my diet."

"Nevertheless," Fiona said, smiling, "thank you."  She then 
leaned over and gave donkey a kiss on the snout.

"Ahhh..." Donkey gushed, then blushed and looked away.

Fiona giggled, then stood and faced Shrek again.  "Now, I think 
you said something about wanting to sell me some swampland, or 
something like that?"

"Somethin' like that," Shrek agreed, smiling back.  "Ye ready 
t'go?"

"Almost," she said, her eyes wandering over beside the chopping 
block.  "But first ... I need to get a keepsake."

Shrek raised a curious eyebrow as Fiona wandered over by the 
chopping block and began to look around for something.  The 
ogre shook his head.  He had never understood women.  It was a 
misgiving he thought he would never have to worry about.  Now 
it looked like he'd thought wrong.  And he smiled as he mulled 
over THAT upcoming adventure.  

While Fiona hunted her "keepsake," Shrek turned and now also 
kneeled in front of Donkey, and the equine looked at the ogre 
with a mixture of curiosity and trepidation.  "Donkey," Shrek 
said quietly, looking into his friend's face, "thanks.  We owe 
you everythin'.  Again."  The ogre stuck out his large right 
hand.

Donkey looked down at Shrek's extended hand, and then up at his 
friend's face.  Relief washed over him and he smiled a broad, 
toothy grin.  "Ah, that's okay," Donkey said, "that's what 
friends are for!"  Donkey then laid his front right hoof in 
Shrek's hand and the ogre shook it gently but firmly.

Meanwhile, as Fiona, Shrek and Donkey were exchanging 
pleasantries on the wagon, Maximus had approached the still 
kneeling figure of Gledius.  The lieutenant stopped just in 
front of the captain and looked placidly down at the angry, 
frightened man.  Gledius, still panting looked up at Maximus, 
his eyes ablaze.  "You're a fool!" the captain gasped.  "A 
traitor to your species!"

Maximus waited a few seconds, and then replied calmly.  "A 
fool?  Perhaps.  I was certainly a fool when I listened to you.  
But a traitor to my species?  I don't know about that.  I do 
know, however, that you are a traitor to Duloc.  And to do my 
duty, that's all I really do need to know.  The rest ... I 
would rather leave to God to sort out.  And may he forgive me 
for allowing myself to be blinded so long by you."  Maximus 
then turned away from the pitiful, crouching figure and 
gestured to a couple of sword-wielding guards a few yards away.  
"Arrest that man," he said simply, indicating Gledius, and 
began walking away.  

The guards began slowly walking toward their former captain to 
make the arrest.  Gledius, furious and frightened, looked down 
in despair, and felt tears begin welling in his eyes.  But out 
of the corner of one of those eyes he noticed -- lying 
forgotten in the sand only a few feet away -- the cocked 
crossbow that Maximus had cast aside and now had overlooked.  
Well, Gledius thought, his young prot‚g‚ might otherwise be 
efficient, but it seemed he was not ... perfect.  A horrid idea 
quickly sprang into Gledius's mind.  He swung his gaze back to 
the wagon.  He saw the ogress leaning down somewhere around the 
chopping block, partially obstructed from his line of sight, 
and moving about as if searching for something.   But the ogre 
was on one knee, facing away from Gledius, and seemed 
relatively stationary.  His broad back made a very alluring 
target.

Things happened very rapidly over the next few seconds.  
Gledius dove for the crossbow.  The guards, suddenly realizing 
what was going on, quit their stead gait and began to run -- 
but it was too late for them to prevent Gledius from getting 
off a quick shot.  But as Gledius swung the crossbow up and 
took aim at the middle of Shrek's back, Fiona rose, holding in 
her hands a strand of rope.  And as she stood, her face quickly 
changed from a subtle smile to grimace of horror as she saw 
Gledius and realized where he was aiming.  She also realized 
there was no time to reach Shrek himself, and so, without 
thinking, Fiona quickly jumped over so that she stood between 
Shrek's back and Gledius's aim.  For a split second Gledius was 
upset that his target was blocked, but then quickly realized 
what the ogress was doing and felt overjoyed at the 
replacement.  If the foolish female was in a sacrificial mood, 
he was more than happy to oblige.  He shifted his aim ever so 
slightly so that Fiona's bosom was in his sights, and then 
pulled the crossbow's trigger.  The bolt flew from its shaft 
just before Gledius was bowled over by twin flying tackles from 
the two guards -- but he went down smiling, knowing that his 
vengeance was literally darting its way towards his inhuman 
nemesis.  Fiona closed her eyes and held her arms outward from 
her sides, expecting the deadly missile to pierce her chest.  
Then, as the bolt was midway through its spit-second flight, 
something struck it, knocking it off-course.  The bolt buried 
itself with a "thunk" into the wood of the chopping block.  The 
crowd, which had barely had time to start to scream when it saw 
what Gledius was about to do, now let out a collective sigh.  

Fiona opened her eyes and looked down to where she heard the 
bolt land.  Shrek leaped to his feet with a confused "What the 
devil?!" and turned to see what was the matter, and suddenly 
found himself having to catch Fiona, who half-fainted backwards 
into his arms.  Confused, he then followed her gaze down to 
where he saw a crossbow bolt buried in the chopping block, its 
partially broken shaft having been pierced by an arrow.

"Ah-ha!  A bulls-eye, n'est pas?!" cried a familiar French-
accented voice.  Everyone turned to see Monsieur Hood, his 
upper body poking out of a hole in the ground that had just 
appeared a few feet in front of the stands.  In one arm he held 
aloft the bow from which he had just shot the life-saving 
arrow.  The crowd broke into applause and cheering and Hood, 
warming to the occasion, gave several short bows.  Then he 
turned to where Fiona, having overcome her moment of light-
headedness, stood with Shrek.  "Your Majesty," Hood said, 
taking his cap off and bowing deeply and theatrically.

"Monsieur," Fiona said in acknowledgment, nodding her head.  "I 
am in your debt, kind sir.  You are a true hero.  You ... do 
France proud."

Hood looked up and saw Fiona wink a clandestine little wink.  
Hood grinned.  But his grin quickly faded as he suddenly began 
to wobble within the hole.  From within the pit a gruff, grumpy 
voice yelled, "WILL YOU GET OFF MY SHOULDERS NOW, YOU FRICKIN' 
FRENCHY?!"

"Oh, pardon moi, mes amis!" Hood called down, and began to pull 
himself the rest of the way up out of the hole. 

As Hood crawled out, Shrek looked over to beside the chopping 
block to where Fiona had been looking around when he'd turned 
his back on her, to where she was standing now, to where 
Gledius had been when he shot his bolt.  Then realization 
dawned on his face and his jaw dropped.  "Fiona," he said, "did 
you ..."

"Did I what?" she asked innocently.

Shrek smiled and shook his head.  "Fi, ye almost killed me."

Fiona looked back at him, confused.  She certainly hadn't 
anticipated THAT remark.  "What?" she asked, incredulous.

"Knowin' that you'd given your life up for me," Shrek replied, 
"it woulda killed me."

Fiona stared back at him for a moment, and then her face broke 
into a wide smile.  "You're so sweet!" she said, and reached up 
to stoke his cheek.

"I wouldn't go THAT far," the ogre said, frowning.  Then he 
noticed the piece of rope that hung from Fiona's hand.  "What's 
that?" he asked.

"Oh," she said, turning her attention to the rope, "this is 
what was tying my neck down.  I want it as a keepsake."

"THAT'S the keepsake ye was lookin' for?" Shrek asked.

"Um-hum," she replied.

Shrek shook his head.  "I guess I've got a lot to learn about 
women," he muttered.

"Well!" Fiona said, her face brightening, "I'll be glad to be 
your tutor!  In fact, I've got a whole curriculum planned!"

Shrek looked into Fiona's eyes and saw a playful little glimmer 
there.  They then exchanged shrewd little smiles.

Meanwhile, Milquest wandered over to where Maximus stood and 
whispered, "Please don't arrest Hood, Lieutenant.  I think I've 
got pardon powers and, by God, I'm going to use them on that 
man.  In fact, I'm going to try to pardon his whole blasted 
band!"

"Actually, sir," Maximus replied, "I really wasn't planning to 
re-arrest him.  In fact, if you ordered me to do so, I'd have 
to refuse and resign my commission ... on principle."

Milquest patted Maximus on the shoulder.  "Good man!" he said, 
"You're beginning to think for yourself.  It's something we all 
need to do.  Something we need to get used to.  Of course, I 
don't know if that'll work out all that well with the military, 
but what the hey!"

"Besides," Maximus said, watching as the two guards led Gledius 
away, "it looks like the jailkeep's going to have enough 
trouble with our new star prisoner as it is."

As Maximus spoke, Gledius ranted crazily as the two guards, one 
on either side of him and holding an arm, half-led, half-
dragged him away.  "NO!  THAT COULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED!  DON'T 
YOU SEE?  THE PHYSICS ... IT'S IMPOSSIBLE!  IT'S MAGIC, I TELL 
YOU!  BLACK MAGIC!  THEY MUST BE EVIL!  DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?!  
NICE THINGS LIKE THAT DON'T HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE!!  
NOOOOOO!!!"

Back on the wagon, Fiona, Shrek and Donkey watched as the 
former captain and governor, stripped of rank, dignity, and 
sanity, was led away.  Fiona stared after him in disgust for 
several seconds, but as she watched the broken, wretched shell 
of a man fading away, her expression softened and she shook her 
head sadly.  "I almost pity him," she sighed.

"Him?  That murderous loon?!" Shrek said, and then let out a 
brief chortle.  "Good riddance, I say.  The man tried ta murder 
ye -- THRICE, fer Pete's sake!  He may be PITIFUL, but I don't 
PITY him.  I think he's a total jacka--" Shrek checked himself 
as Donkey shot him a reproachful glare.  "I mean, total JERK," 
Shrek concluded.  Donkey grinned slyly up at Shrek, who 
returned it with a wink.

Fiona sighed again.  "Perhaps," she conceded.  "But thank God 
that's behind us now.  Oh, and speaking of thanking, I think we 
owe Hood more --" she turned to look for Hood, and then broke 
off as she saw the bandit.  He was surrounded by a group of 
some half-dozen lovely young maidens, all in fine dresses of 
various pastel colors and all wearing high conical hennin caps 
with chiffon veils hanging from their pinnacles.  All of the 
fair damsels were fawning upon the handsome bandit, who self-
confidently spread his charm and wit evenly among them with 
smooth, well-practiced ease.  Occasionally one of the maidens 
would blush and look shyly away at one of his remarks, only a 
moment later to return her attention to the dashing green-clad 
stranger, her eyes batting and her breath a little more rapid.

The corners of Fiona's mouth curled down in disapproval and she 
placed her hands on her hips.  "Oh, for the love of Pete!" she 
muttered in distaste at the saccharine scene.  She heard Shrek 
and Donkey giggle behind her and swiveled around to face them.  
"What?!" she demanded.

"Oh, nothin', dear," Shrek said, still half-chuckling, "it's 
just that -- well, you're cute when you're cynical."

"I'm not cyn--" Fiona began to object.  But she suddenly 
stopped in mid-sentence, her trumpet ears pricking to attention 
and pointing skywards, quickly followed by her gaze.  "What's 
that?" she asked, raising both hands to shield her eyes from 
the noonday sun as she looked upwards.

"What's what?" Donkey asked as he and Shrek followed her gaze 
skyward, Donkey squinting and Shrek raising one hand to shield 
his own eyes.

Then they could make it out -- something high, high up in the 
sky flying in what appeared to be random, haphazard patterns.  
As it flew, though, its elevation began to decrease, and it 
became recognizable as a figure on a broomstick.

"A witch!" Fiona gasped.

"Which witch?" Donkey asked.  "Oh, man, I hope she doesn't 
start skywritin' somethin' up there.  That's a SURE sign'a 
trouble ..."

"No, it's not a witch," Shrek said as the figure got a little 
closer, "it's a kid!"

"A KID?" Donkey echoed.  "You mean there's a baby goat flyin' 
around up there on a broomstick?!  Man, now I've seen 
everything!  I thought it was weird when I saw a cow jump over 
the moon that time, but a goat on a broomstick --"

"No, no, not a goat," Shrek growled irritably, "a HUMAN kid.  A 
child!"

"It's not just a child," Fiona said, her voice fraught with 
recognition and fear, "it's Goldilocks!"

"Goldilocks?" Donkey repeated, confused.  "You mean the little 
girl with the flower?  What's SHE doin' up there flyin' around 
on a broomstick?"  He paused for a moment, one eye cocked and 
his lip twisted in puzzlement, then he asked, "They playin' a 
quidditch game somewhere 'round here today?"

"I don't THINK so," Shrek replied, "I think -- oh-oh!"

Shrek cut his statement off and Fiona let go a little shriek as 
Goldilocks suddenly ceased her haphazard but gradually 
descending pattern and made a nosedive straight downward toward 
the center of town.  Most other people in the stadium had 
gradually caught on to what the trio on the wagon were staring 
at and had also started watching Goldilocks's odd flight, and 
many of them also gasped when it changed so dramatically.  
Their human ears were soon able to pick up on what the ogres 
had heard earlier; the little girl's screams as she got closer 
and closer, her hands holding tight to the broomstick in abject 
terror.  

It soon became clear she was flying directly toward Farquaad's 
castle at a very fast rate.  "STOP!" they could now hear the 
girl's horrified cries.  "PLEASE!!  WHOA!!!"

The broom came to a sudden, complete stop in mid air, a few 
yards from the top of the huge castle.  Unfortunately, 
Goldilocks herself didn't stop; she flew off the broomstick and 
toward the upper part of the castle wall, screaming.  At the 
last second she desperately reached out and caught hold of a 
flagpole that was sticking out perpendicular from the castle 
wall.  Her momentum sent her in one full loop around the pole, 
and then she swung back and forth on it for several seconds 
until she finally came to a complete stop.  There she hung, 
desperately grasping the pole with her hands, several hundred 
feet from the ground up the castle wall and only about twenty 
feet down from the castle's top.  She looked down, screamed 
again, and then started crying.

"SWEET HEAVENS!" Fiona cried, then leapt off of the wagon and 
sprinted through the gates of the stadium and toward the 
castle, followed closely by Shrek and Donkey.  Close behind 
them ran Maximus and his band of soldiers.  Milquest hurried 
after the runners as quickly as he could, huffing and puffing 
with the unaccustomed exercise.  So intent was he on forcing 
his pace that the mayor nearly ran into Donkey, who had stopped 
at the gateway and was taking the courtyard scene in, one eye 
cocked and lips curled in apparent contemplation.  Milquest 
paused, fought to catch his breath, and was about to ask Donkey 
what he was doing when the animal turned and started running 
back towards the wagon.  Milquest shrugged and again began 
trotting across the courtyard after the ogres and soldiers.  
Then the citizenry of Duloc began quickly filing down out of 
their stadium seats, through the gates and into the courtyard 
after their mayor.