Chapter 16: Our Beast Friends' Wedding


Shrek, exhausted from the past few days' activities, slept 
well and slept long.  His slumber was slightly disturbed 
sometime around dawn, when he thought he heard the high 
strains of a female voice singing, followed by an odd popping 
sound.  Dismissing it as a weird dream, he fell back to sleep.  
Finally, around ten in the morning, he was jolted fully awake 
by a loud, reverberating guitar twang.

"What the --" he muttered, sitting up from where he had been 
lying with his head on one of the logs.  Actually, it turned 
out to be the last log in the clearing.  And, as soon as he 
sat up, two elves suddenly appeared and carried that last log 
away.

"Oh, no," Shrek said as he looked around.  The karaoke and 
other sound equipment had been sat up along one side of the 
clearing, and several of the dwarves had instruments in hand 
and were apparently rehearsing.  At anther part of the 
clearing about ten people -- a mixture of fairy tale folk and 
human commoners -- were busy setting up a tall flowery arch 
and setting several rows of wooden benches in front of it.  
Donkey walked amongst them, chatting away about something.  
Some of the people offered polite smiles and nods as he 
prattled on, others ignored him completely.  Shrek realized 
that they were setting up the stage for the wedding.  He 
shivered involuntarily.

At yet another part of the clearing someone had set up a 
temporary bar with several small tables in front.  A bartender 
stood behind it cleaning a glass while at one of the tables a 
young blond woman in a lovely yellow dress sat, sipping from a 
glass, a tall open bottle sitting on the table in front of 
her.

Fiona was nowhere to be seen, but Donkey, seeing that Shrek 
was awake, came strolling up with a wide toothy smile on his 
face.

"Soooo!" Donkey said teasingly, "Sleeping Beauty awakes!  Man, 
Shrek, you not only slept ON a log, you slept LIKE a log!"

Ignoring Donkey's playful sarcasm, Shrek frowned and gestured 
to all the activity around the clearing.  "What's all this?" 
he asked irritably.

"Oh, they started showin' up 'bout an hour ago," Donkey said, 
"they wanted to start settin' up for the party."

"Party?" Shrek echoed.  "Who said anything about a party?  
We're just gettin' married!"

"Oh, c'mon, Shrek!  Everybody's happy for ya and wants ta 
celebrate.  Ya can't have a problem with THAT!"

Shrek's frown of disapproval twisted into a pensive, pursed-
lip look of mild distaste.  "Well ... what does Fiona think of 
it?"

"You kin ask her yourself," Donkey replied, nodding toward the 
house, "she's been up for a couple'a hours.  She even made us 
breakfast again!  Omelets!  I guess that gal has a thing for 
eggs.  Mine was plain, but still delicious.  Yours ... has a few 
things mixed in that I'm not sure about, but a couple 'em were 
round an' seemed to be lookin' back at me.  Kinda freaky.  
Anyway, it's on the table in there; you'll probably wanna warm 
it up."

"Thanks," Shrek said, and strode across the clearing and into 
his house.

Shrek noticed on the kitchen table a plate with a large lumpy 
omelet, just as Donkey had indicated, but Fiona was nowhere to 
be seen.  He ignored the omelet for now and continued to the 
bedroom door, which was closed.  He knocked.  "Fi!" he called, 
"You decent?"

"DON'T COME IN!  YOU MUSTN'T SEE ME!" Fiona's panicked voice 
boomed from the other side of the door. 

Shrek was taken aback, then said with some concern, "Fiona, 
what's wrong?  Did one'a them witches do somethin' else bad to 
ye?!"

"No, no, no!" Fiona called back, "It's our wedding day!  It's 
bad luck for the groom to see the bride on the day of the 
wedding before the ceremony!"

Shrek let out a sigh of relief, then said, "Oh, come on, 
Fiona, y'aren't superstitious, are ye?"

Fiona's voice answered, "Shrek, we're a couple of ogres living 
in a land full of witches and fairies and all sorts of 
enchanted creatures.  Don't you think a little superstition 
rather goes with the territory?"

"Hum," Shrek said pensively, "I guess I see your point.  Well, 
is there anything I can do t'help ye?"

"Yes, actually," she said, then the door opened a crack and 
Fiona thrust an arm out.  Her hand was holding the soiled 
wedding dress she had worn for the previous two days.  "Have 
this cleaned, I want to wear it at the wedding."

"Sure," Shrek said, taking the dress.  As soon as he had hold 
of it, Fiona pulled her arm back in and shut the door in a 
motion so quick that it caused Shrek to jump.

"Thank you, dear," Fiona said, her voice suddenly sweet and 
honeyed.

"No problem, darling," Shrek lied.  Actually, he had no idea 
of how to go about cleaning a wedding dress.  He guessed that 
scrubbing it against the rocks in the creek, which is what he 
occasionally did with his own clothes, wouldn't do for such a 
garment.  He supposed he'd have to find out what WAS 
appropriate -- and quickly.

"Oh, and I hope you don't mind, but I took your measurements 
from some of your clothes in here and sent to Duloc for 
something nice for you to wear," she added in that same, sweet 
tone.

"Ye DID?" Shrek said, feeling a little irritation rise within 
him.

"You DON'T mind, do you, sweetheart?" Fiona said, adding even 
more honey and a little plaintiveness to her voice.

"Uh -- no -- not at all -- apple strudel," Shrek replied 
resignedly.  "I'll -- um -- see about gettin' your dress 
cleaned."

"Thank you, dear!" Fiona said again.

 Shrek grunted, then strolled over to the kitchen table, 
draped the dress across the back of an empty chair, and looked 
down at the omelet.  Fiona had done well in integrating a 
number of delicacies that he had stored around the kitchen 
into the mixture.  His stomach rumbled in anticipation.  He 
debated whether to warm the omelet over the fire, then decided 
that that would be too much bother and sat down to eat it 
cold.  He found himself wishing that someone could invent a 
device that you could just toss a cold dish into it, push a 
button, and a minute later it would be warm again.  Then he 
chuckled.  That would be getting back into the realm of magic, 
he realized.  He gobbled the omelet down -- made a mental note 
to advise Fiona on how to season eggs at some future date -- 
then picked the dress back up, folded it over an arm, and 
wandered back out of the house.

Donkey met Shrek as he descended the porch.  "What'cho got 
there?" he asked.

"It's to wear at the wedding," Shrek said, holding up the 
dress.

Donkey's mouth knotted as he looked at the dress, then he 
said, "I don't think it'll fit ya."

Shrek groaned, rolled his eyes, and said, "It's for FIONA, you 
smart a--"

"I know!  I know!  I'm just messin' with ya!" Donkey 
interrupted, smiling.

Shrek sighed, looked at the worn, soiled dress himself, then 
frowned and said, "Trouble is, she wants me t'have it clean 
an' dry in time for the ceremony today."

"Hummm, tough order," Donkey commented, cocking an eyebrow.  
Then both eyes opened wide and he sputtered, "I know!  We can 
have Dragon take it to that guy that runs that new shop in 
Duloc -- what they call that -- a dry cleaners!"

"Dry cleaners?" Shrek repeated, his tone doubtful.  "Sounds 
like an oxy-moron."

"Hey, I dunno how smart the guy is," Donkey said, "I just hear 
he kin get delicate stuff clean fast without doin' things that 
kin damage the material."

"Without usin' water?" Shrek asked.

"I guess."

"So, what is this, some kind of magic shop?"

"No, man.  It's straight.  I think the owner uses some sorta 
chemicals."

"Oh, so he's an alchemist?"

"Hey, man, I dunno his religion.  I just know that if ya 
really wanna get Fiona's dress clean quick an' safe, he's 
prob'ly your best bet."

"Okay, okay," Shrek said, still a little doubtful but not able 
to think of an alternative, "let's go get Dragon."

"That won't be necessary, gentlemen," a genteel female voice 
said from behind them.

Shrek and Donkey turned, startled, to see a white-haired, 
somewhat pudgy middle-aged woman wrapped in a hood and cloak 
and wearing granny-glasses and holding a magic wand standing 
beside them.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you!" the woman 
apologized, "It's just that I happened to hear your 
conversation and wanted to offer my assistance.  It just so 
happens that renovating gowns and such for big social 
occasions is one of my specialties!"

"Usin' that?" Shrek said, nodding toward her wand.

"Well, it does help channel the proper powers," the woman 
replied.

Shrek frowned reluctantly for a moment, then said, "Okay, but 
be careful."

"Certainly!" the woman said.  "Now, hold out the dress."

Shrek did so, trying not to think of how Fiona would react if 
this went awry.

"Now, what was that incantation for WEDDING dresses?" the 
woman muttered to herself, rubbing her chin thoughtfully for a 
moment.  Then she brightened.  "Oh, now I remember!"  She 
waved her wand, then said, "Hitchin-ah kupple-ah foo!" and 
pointed the wand at the dress.  Shimmering light surrounded it 
for a moment, then Shrek found himself holding a perfectly 
clean, untattered dress.

"Wow!" Shrek said, "Uh -- thanks!"

"No problem, dear, none at all!" she said.  "And if you liked 
my service, and you and your lovely bride have any offspring 
in the near future and you need a good Fairy Godmother, I'd 
appreciate it if you'd keep me in mind.  My rates are VERY 
reasonable."

Shrek blushed at the mention of offspring.  "Well -- I -- umm 
--"

"It's all right dear, I understand!" the woman said sweetly, 
pulling a small square of paper out of a pocket and handing it 
to Shrek.  "Here's my card."

"Uh -- thanks," Shrek said again, taking the card.

"Not at all!" the woman replied.  Then her eyes drifted over 
to the bar.  "Hum," she said to herself, "I wonder if they 
have any sherry.  Or maybe even a rum punch ..."  With that 
she started wandering over toward the bar.

As Shrek watched her go, Donkey said, "Hey, that was handy!"

"Yeah," Shrek agreed, shoving the card into a pocket, "it sure 
was."

"So," Donkey said, "what about you?"

"What ABOUT me?"

"What'cho gonna wear?"

Shrek looked off into space, grumbled and ground his teeth.

Donkey cocked an eyebrow, then said, "Izzat some kinda ogre 
language?  'Cause I ain't trackin'."

Shrek sighed.  "Fiona said she sent out to Duloc t'get me 
something NICE t'wear," he said, injecting more than subtle 
disdain into the word 'nice'."

"Man, you say 'nice' like it's a four-letter word," Donkey 
said.

"'Nice' IS a four-letter word," Shrek countered, smiling 
wryly.

"You KNOW what I mean, Shrek.  Anyway, uh, you wasn't plannin' 
on wearing THAT was you?" Donkey asked, nodding at Shrek's 
dirty, greasy shirt and worn vest.

"Well -- I DO have cleaner shirts," he confessed, "well, 
somewhat cleaner, anyway.  But I wasn't plannin' on getting 
dressed up."

Donkey chuckled.  "Man, you just don't get women, do ya?"

"Apparently not," Shrek admitted.  "But -- hey, what's that?"

"Huh?" Donkey said, then followed where Shrek had suddenly 
started staring up towards the sky.  A pigeon was swooping 
down -- a rather unorthodox pidgin, one wearing a small 
leather flying cap and scarf and toting a miniature mailbag, 
which in this case was holding what for it was an oversized, 
tightly wound scroll.  The bird flew down to within a few feet 
of Shrek, tossed the scroll down (which the ogre caught 
easily), saluted briefly, then flew off again.

"Now THERE'S somethin' ya don't see every day!" commented 
Donkey.

Shrek mumbled his agreement as he unwound what for him was a 
rather small scroll.

"Whazzit say?" Donkey asked.

"It's from 'Frank's Armor, Noblewear, and Wedding Ensembles of 
Duloc'," Shrek read, "It says that they're sorry, but they 
can't design a suit to the requested dimensions in time for 
the wedding today."

"Not enough time?" Donkey asked.

"No, they don't have enough material on stock," Shrek replied, 
looking through the note.  "In compensation, they've included 
a coupon here fr'a free one-night tuxedo rental at any time in 
the future -- once they're able to make one t'my size.  Ha!  A 
fat lotta good THAT does us!"

"Well, ya never know, that might come in handy one day," 
Donkey said.

"Like when?"

"I dunno -- maybe some day when ya win an award or somethin'."

"Yeah, right!" Shrek scoffed.  "Like THAT'S ever gonna 
happen!"

Shrek chuckled, shoved the scroll into the same pocket as the 
card, and turned his attention back to the dress he now had 
draped over one wrist.  "I guess we'd better take this back to 
Fiona b'fore something else happens to it."

The ogre and donkey headed back into the house.  Shrek knocked 
on the bedroom door.  "Fiona!"  he called.  "It's me. I've got 
your dress ready."

"Already?!" a delighted Fiona said from the other side.  
"That's GREAT!  Shrek, you're wonderful!"

Shrek beamed, pleased at the compliment.  "Well, thanks," he 
said, "it was nothin', really."

"Yeah, you can say THAT again!" Donkey chimed in, grinning.  
"He'd practically just got outside the door when this fairy 
godmother showed up and BAM, cleaned your dress all up!  Shrek 
pretty much just stood there, like a big lump."

Donkey noticed the seething look that Shrek was casting down 
in his direction.  Donkey's grin vanished and he asked, 
"What'd I say?  What'd I say?"

Shrek shook his head and rolled his eyes as Fiona said, "Well, 
thanks anyway, dear."  The door opened just enough for Fiona 
to slip her arm out, hand open.  Shrek gave her the dress, 
then the arm again disappeared quickly and the door shut 
abruptly in his face.

"Well, uh, I guess we'll se ye later," Shrek said, and turned 
to go.

"Oh, Shrek, could you have Donkey stay behind?" Fiona asked.

"Donkey?" Shrek repeated.  "Why ..."

"He IS going to be your best man, isn't he?"

Shrek looked down at Donkey.  The equine looked back up at 
him, and his face burst into another toothy grin.

"Well ... I suppose so," Shrek agreed.  "The best that can be 
had on such short notice, anyway."

"Good," Fiona said.  "I want to do a little rehearsing.  And 
you need to get busy!"

"Me?" Shrek said.  "What d'ye want ME to do?"

"I want you to compose something to recite at the wedding."

"COMPOSE something?" Shrek said.  "I thought somebody was just 
gonna mumble some words an' I promise t'love ye and ye promise 
t'obey me and we said 'I do.'"

"Uh -- yeah, that'll be part of it," Fiona agreed, "But I want 
this to be really special.  So I want us both to compose 
something additional for each other."

"Like what?" Shrek asked.

"I don't know," she replied.  "A poem.  A ballad.  A sonnet.  
A limerick.  SOMETHING ... as long as it comes from the 
heart."

Shrek sighed uncomfortably.  "Well ... okay, I'll see what I 
can do."

"Thank you, dear," Fiona said sweetly.

"Yeah," Shrek said, and began walking away.

"Oh, and dear?" Fiona called.

"Yeah?" Shrek asked, turning back.

"We'll need to talk about that 'obey' thing later."

Shrek grunted, one corner of his mouth breaking into a little 
grin in spite of himself, and he left the house.  He paused on 
the porch, watching the activity around him as more fairy tale 
folk as well as humans kept arriving and mingling with each 
other.  He shook his head.  THIS was a sight he hadn't seen 
before.  Maybe Fiona was right.  Maybe they had started 
something -- a shift in culture and perceptions.  Maybe people 
of different appearances, backgrounds, and beliefs really 
COULD learn to live side-by-side in peace and harmony and ... 
naaaah.

As he stood on the porch, one of the humans approached him.  
Shrek recognized him as the priest.

"Mr. Zach?" the priest said, bowing slightly.

"Uh -- your -- uh -- priestliness," Shrek replied, awkwardly 
returning the bow.  "I'm glad to see you're feeling better."

The priest smiled.  "That little overdue activity DID take a 
bit out of me," he conceded, "but I'm fine now.  In fact, I'd 
like to offer my services for your wedding this evening."

"You would?" Shrek said, "Well, that's quite considerate of 
you -- uh, Father.  Fiona's right in here," he said, and 
turned back to the door and knocked loudly.

After a few moments, Fiona's voice came from the other side.  
"Who's there?"

"Fiona, the priest's here, an' --"

"Great!" Fiona said, "Just in time to rehearse!  Have him come 
in!  But YOU stay out!"

"Well, how am I supposed to know what t'do if we don't --"

"YOU just need to stand there and say 'I do'," Fiona answered, 
"AFTER you've read that THING you're supposed to be 
composing!"

"Very well," Shrek said, somewhat irritably. He fought the 
irritation down as he turned back to the priest, bowed 
slightly again, said, "Father," and gestured him toward the 
door, which opened just enough to allow the human in.  

The priest nodded, walked to the door, then turned and smiled.  
"Don't worry, son," he said, "aside from the ... unusual 
circumstances and setting, you're not going through anything 
that thousands of grooms haven't gone through before."

"Uh -- thanks," Shrek said.

"Not at all," the priest said, then entered the house past the 
open door -- which someone (Shrek could guess who) quickly 
slammed behind him.

Shrek again sighed and smiled, then again turned back to look 
at the diverse crowd.  His eyes alighted on the group of 
dwarves working with their various musical instruments.  They 
seemed to be struggling with chords and -- lyrics.  Shrek 
realized that they were working at composing something.  
Perhaps, he thought, maybe THEY could be of assistance with 
his assignment.  He noticed one of the dwarves -- the grumpy 
one, if he recalled correctly -- standing alone off to one 
side watching the others while he puffed on a cigar.  His arms 
were crossed and he was leaning against that glass casket -- a 
casket that now was empty.  Shrek approached the dwarf.

"Hello," Shrek said, "um -- I hope the instruments are working 
out okay for ye."

The dwarf shrugged, irritation on his face that at LEAST 
seemed to rival that of Shrek on a normal day.  "They'll do," 
he said, not removing the cigar from his mouth as he spoke, 
"though we've worked with better."

"Really?" Shrek said.

"Yeah.  We go on tour every year.  We hit all the big towns on 
the fairyland circuit.  Avalon, Oz, Fisco, you name it."

"You play Neverland?"

The dwarf's mouth twisted in particular distaste.  "Never 
Neverland.  Not any MORE, anyway.  Last time we were there, 
things kept going wrong with the instruments.  We were pretty 
popular going in, and there was this particularly jealous 
little pixie lived there that always got ticked when anybody 
got paid more attention than her.  We figured she tinkered 
with our instruments when we weren't looking.  Anyway, we 
sounded horrible.  First time we ever got the hook on stage!"  
The dwarf shuddered.

"Yeah, well, sorry t'hear that," Shrek said, fumbling around, 
then glanced back at the empty casket.  "What happened to the 
broad?" he couldn't help but ask.

"Got kissed," the dwarf answered curtly.

"By who?" Shrek asked.

The dwarf sneered and jerked a thumb towards the side of the 
woods.  Shrek followed the gesture and saw the raven-haired 
former occupant of the coffin standing there, her hands 
clasped with and her eyes staring up at Monsieur Hood.  
Curious, Shrek turned both ears in their direction.

"Oh, mon-- MA cherie," Hood was saying, his French accent 
particularly thick, "your eyes, zey are like zee glistening 
waters of zee Seine as she reflects zee beauties of zee 
magical city of Par-ee."

"Oh, please DO go on!" the woman said, breathlessly, "Your 
words flow like sweet honey.  They send my heart a-flutter, 
and my mind a-whirl.  I don't know what I should say or do!"

Hood's smile deepened.  He seemed on the verge of suggesting 
something when she added, "I can't tell you how much I look 
forward to our wedding night!"

"Wedding?" Hood said, his smile (and accent) suddenly 
dropping, "Who said anything about a wedding?"

"But Monsieur!" the woman said, batting her eyes, "Why else 
would a hero like you have kissed me and awakened me from my 
death-like sleep, if not to make me your bride?"

"Well -- I -- er --"  Hood stammered.

The woman then released one of her hands from his and ran the 
tip of one finger down the length of his chest, and added, 
"Your most GRATEFUL bride."

Hood blushed, then said, "Oh!   But my dear -- ahem," he 
recovered his French accent as he continued, "zere is no hur-
ry!  In France, you see, it is cus-tom-ar-y to have a trial 
period of --" 

"Oh, Rob," a tired, disgusted, and nasally female voice said 
from behind Hood.

Hood whirled to see a brunet woman in a flowing white dress 
and conical hennin cap, her arms crossed and a look of disgust 
on her face.

"MARION!" Hood blurted.

"Surprise," Marion said, her voice flat and cynical.

"Who is this ... person?" the raven-haired woman asked, her 
eyes narrowing and her voice agitated.

"Sorry, sister," Marion said, "you need to find some other 
jerk to get your claws into.  This one's taken." Marion then 
reached up and grabbed Hood by an ear.   "OW!" he yelled in 
pain as Marion, unmoved, said, "C'mon, 'Monsier'," and started 
leading him away.

"But -- but --" the raven-haired woman stammered, reaching out 
toward her departing companion.

"Sorry, ma cherie!" the retreating Hood called back as Marion 
continued dragging him away by his ear, "alas, it was not 
meant to be ... OW!"

The raven-haired woman watched them depart, then her face 
twisted in rage and she let loose with a string of invectives 
that Shrek was certain he must have misunderstood.  She then 
turned, saw him and the dwarf standing together, then strode 
forward to them.

"Another pathetic loser," she said in disgust, addressing the 
dwarf.  "That really ticks me off."

"What can I say, Snow?" the dwarf said, puffing on his cigar.

"Gimme one of those stogies, would you?" she asked.

"Now, Snow, they say these things aren't good for you --"

"Yeah, yeah, and they say an apple a day keeps the doctor 
away.  And look where THAT got me!"

The dwarf shrugged and then, as Shrek watched incredulously, 
he handed her a cigar.  She bit the end off and 
unceremoniously spit it away as the dwarf struck a match.  She 
pulled hard on the cigar as he lit it for her; she then leaned 
her head back and blew out a great billow of smoke.  "Oh, 
that's GREAT!" she said, "It seems like AGES since I've smoked 
one of these."

"Actually, Snow, it HAS been a while," the dwarf said, 
gesturing toward the casket.

She scoffed and took another long puff on her cigar.  As she 
did so she noticed a slack-jawed Shrek staring at her.  "And 
what are YOU looking at?" she spat, spewing a cloud of smoke 
in his direction.

"Oh -- uh -- nothin' -- I --" 

"Just you ARE you, anyway?" she said, running her eyes up and 
down his sizable frame, "The jolly green giant?"

"No," Shrek said, irritation helping him recover his tongue, 
"my name's Shrek."

"Oh.  Weird name.  Mine's White.  Snow White."

The dwarf chuckled.

"WHAT?!" Snow said, turning on the dwarf.

"Oh, nothin', Snow," the dwarf said, then gestured to Shrek.  
"But be nice to him.  We're playin' a gig here, and he's our 
host.  He's getting' married later today."

"HE'S getting' married?" Snow said, aghast.  "Oh, criminy, 
HE'S getting married and *I* can't even get --  oh --"  Snow 
then let loose with another string of invectives.   But then 
her eyes alighted on the waspish figure of the young blond 
woman in the fine yellow dress who was still sitting by 
herself at one of the tables near the bar.  Snow's anger faded 
into a mischievous grin.  "Well, well, look who we have here," 
she said, her eyes gleaming like the tip of her cigar as she 
took another long drag.  "'Scuse me, fellas," she said, and 
headed toward the table, leaving a contrail of smoke in her 
wake.

Shrek watched her go, a look of incredulity still on his face.  
The dwarf noticed it, smirked, and said, "Don't worry, bub.  
The story books'll clean it up."

*     *     *

"Hey, there Cinderelly!" Snow said buoyantly, slapping the 
startled blond on the back just as she was taking another 
drink from her mostly empty glass.  Snow then plopped herself 
down in an empty chair beside her and added, "Fancy meeting 
you here!"

The blond swallowed hard, closed her eyes, shook her head, and 
sighed a sigh of distaste.  "Please don't call me that, it's 
demeaning and you KNOW I hate it."

"Sorry about that, CinderelLA," Snow said, picking up the 
mostly empty bottle from the table in front of them and 
examining it.  "Champaign!  Well, well.  Celebrating the 
wedding festivities a little early, are we?" Snow then took 
another long drag from her cigar.

Cinderella waved at the cigar smoke, her nose curling in 
disgust.  "MUST you smoke that ... THING?  It's REVOLTING!"

"You think so?" Snow said, setting the bottle back down and 
examining the half-smoked cigar as she released another plume 
of smoke.  "Well, I guess SOME people feel cigar smoking is a 
bit vulgar," and with that, she tossed the cigar into one of 
the water glasses on the table where it quickly fizzled to its 
death while Cinderella again wrinkled her nose at the further 
crudity.  "For a lady, anyway," Snow added.

"Lady!  Ha!" Cinderella scoffed, then drained her glass and 
hiccuped.

"Hey, girlfriend, you live with a bunch'a rough, uneducated 
working stiffs out in the forest for a few years and some 
things tend to rub off on you," Snow said.  "Besides, where do 
YOU get off acting all hoidy-toidy?  As I recall, YOU were the 
one who spent her life in dirt and ashes while *I* was the one 
born to royalty.  I'M the one with blue blood here, cutie, 
whereas YOU had to go golddigging for a royal hubby to attain 
'Princess' status.  Speaking of which, where IS your charming 
better half?"

Cinderella's face suddenly became sullen and she sniffled.  
"We -- we had a falling out -- some time ago.  He was out in 
the woods one day and met this girl and -- well, she ended up 
getting in trouble, and he ended up rescuing her, and then 
they -- and then they --"  On the verge of tears, Cinderella 
trailed off and grabbed the bottle, poured the remainder of it 
into her glass, and then quickly drained half of the glass.

"Oh, Cindy.  Sorry kid.  Yeah, I've heard THAT story before!" 
Snow said.  "So I take it he dumped YOU for this new chick, 
and now you're out trolling for another of those happily-ever-
after partners again, too."

Cinderella looked down, nodded, sobbed ... then hiccuped 
again.

"And so I assume you'll be bouquet diving after the wedding, 
hoping to get a little extra magical advantage, like me" Snow 
said, her face taking on a thoughtful expression as Cinderella 
shrugged, her eyes still fixed on the tabletop before her.  
Then Snow picked up the now empty bottle, examined it again 
and then said in a warm and consoling voice, "You know, after 
what you've been through, this stuff doesn't seem strong 
enough.  How about you and me drown our man problems in a 
bottle of vodka?"

Cinderella looked up at Snow as the latter tried to appear 
innocent and concerned.  One corner of Cinderella's mouth 
curled in a half-smile, half sneer as she said, "You're not 
going to get me drunk, Snow.  I can -- *hic* -- hold my 
liquor!"  She then drained the rest of the glass she was 
holding.

"Well," Snow said, dropping her pretense, "it doesn't look 
like you can hold it for long."

Cinderella's eyes flashed fire and she had just opened her 
mouth to retort when they heard the scream.

*     *     *

As soon as Snow left them, Shrek had told the dwarf about 
Fiona's request and asked for pointers.  The dwarf chuckled and 
said, "Hey, bub, you're just gonna have to wing it."

"But I don't know where t'begin!" Shrek protested, "I never 
wrote anything fancy in my life!"

"Hey, she ain't lookin' for fancy, fella!" the dwarf said, 
"she's just lookin' for something sincere that comes from ..."  
here the dwarf tried to reach up to Shrek's chest, but seeing 
that he couldn't reach it, he thumped on his own ... "from in 
here."

"I dunno ..." Shrek said.

"Look, buddy, just keep it simple and sincere.  You'll do 
fine.  Trust me."

Shrek thought for a moment, then smiled wryly as he said, 
"Frankly, I'd prefer havin' to rescue her from some other 
terrible danger."

At that moment, Fiona, from inside the house let loose a 
blood-curdling scream.  "What the --" Shrek muttered, turning 
toward the house, as a moment later Donkey also let loose from 
inside the house with a horrified yell.

In no time at all Shrek had sprinted across the clearing and 
burst open the door of his house.  The first thing he saw was 
the priest, huddled in a corner, staring, terrified, across 
the room.  Shrek followed his gaze and saw Donkey, backed up 
against a wall, quivering and staring in wide-eyed fright up 
at Fiona, who stood menacingly in front of him only a yard or 
so away.  She was back in the newly cleaned wedding dress, her 
back facing Shrek, but even so Shrek could see from the 
flushed color of her skin, the vein bulging  in her neck, and 
the way she was clenching her hands as she faced Donkey that 
she was in obvious fury.

"You ATE the WEDDING RINGS?!" she screamed down at Donkey, and 
then took a step towards him, causing him to scream again.

"WHAT'S GOIN' ON?!" Shrek shouted.

Fiona spun around, her eyes ablaze and her teeth clenched in a 
grimace of anger.  It took her a moment to focus on the figure 
in the doorway, but as soon as she did she pointed down at 
Donkey and said accusingly, "He ATE the WEDDING RINGS!"

"So I'd heard," Shrek said, and walked across to where Fiona 
stood.  He gently laid his hands on her arms, trying to sooth 
her, and felt her trembling in anger.  He then looked down at 
Donkey and asked, "All right, what happened?"

"Well," Donkey said, still agitated but starting to calm down, 
"we was rehearsing -- you know, the weddin', an' the part 
where I present the rings?  An' -- well, you know how I don't 
have no hands an' -- well, to make a long story short, I kinda 
swallowed them."

Fiona looked back at Donkey, somewhat -- but not entirely -- 
calm herself.  "He ATE the WEDDING RINGS," she said yet again.

"Well, not really," Donkey said, "I mean, there wasn't no 
chewin' involved, so I didn't really EAT them.  'Fact, if you 
wait till tomorrow, you can probably have 'em back!"  Here 
Donkey offered a hopeful smile.

Fiona's lip curled in distaste.  "After they've passed through 
-- yuck!  NO THANKS!"

Donkey's smile faded.  "Well -- um --" he stammered, then 
smiled again and said, "Hey, I saw a barefoot kid out there a 
little while 'go wearing some kinda ring on a string 'round 
his neck.  Maybe we can borrow that!"

Fiona, whose anger had slowly shrank into despondency, just 
released a sad little chuckle, shook her head, and then turned 
and walked over to Shrek's armchair, where she flopped down, 
rested her elbows on her knees and stared down at the floor.  
Shrek followed and knelt in front of her.

"Fi, we kin delay the wedding a day or two and have them make 
us some new ones --"

"No," she said, "everything's almost set up and guests are 
already arriving."

"But if it's that important to ye --"

She looked into his eyes and said, "Becoming your bride as 
soon as I can is MORE important to me than anything," she 
said.  Then she finally offered a genuine smile and added, "So 
you're not going to be able to use THAT as an excuse, mister!"

Shrek smiled back.  "That's my girl," he said, then gave her a 
kiss on the lips.  "So you're not upset that I just saw you, 
either?"

"Huh?" she said, then her eyes grew wide in realization.  "Oh 
RATS!" she said.

"Is someone referring to us?" a mild-mannered British voice 
inquired from the doorway.  "We're mice, actually."

Shrek and Fiona looked to the still open doorway to see three 
white mice, wearing dark glasses and carrying small canes, 
standing in front of a gaggle of humans and fairy tale folk 
who had shown up in response to the screams.  Now they stood 
at the doorway, looking curiously in.

"Everything's okay people," Shrek said, standing up and 
addressing the crowd, "the Princess is fine an' there's 
nothin' more t'see here."

Most of the people, although still curious and confused, began 
filing back away from the door in response to Shrek's 
authoritative voice.  But as most filed away, one raven-haired 
woman moved forward, rushed through the doorway, past Shrek 
and knelt beside Fiona.

"Oh, Dear!" Snow White said, her voice dripping with sweet 
concern, as she took Fiona's hand.  "Are you SURE you're all 
right?"

As Shrek looked down at the scene another woman rushed by him 
and knelt by Fiona's other hand and took it.  "Oh, yes!" 
Cinderella said, "Your scream frightened us so!  Is there 
anything *I* can do to help?"

"Uh -- well -- THANK you," a befuddled Fiona said, "but I'm 
all right, really.  I don't --" but then a gleam came into her 
eyes.  "YES, actually, there IS something you BOTH might be 
able to do for me to help with the wedding!"

"Huh?" Shrek said, looking down at Fiona and resting his hands 
on his hips.

Fiona looked up at him and smiled.  "Oh, dear," she said 
sweetly, "isn't there something you're supposed to be doing?"

"What?" he said, then remembered. "Oh. That."  He sighed, then 
looked over at Donkey, who had relaxed but was still backed 
against the wall.  "C'mon, Donkey," 

"Yeah!  I'm right behind ya!" Donkey said, happy to be leaving 
the house for now and falling into step behind Shrek.

Shrek began toward the doorway, but paused.  There was still 
one person standing there.  It was the grouchy dwarf.   The 
dwarf looked passed Shrek to the chair where the two women 
knelt in front of the ogress, then shook his head.  "Looks 
like SOME women are ALREADY tryin' to position themselves to 
catch that weddin' bouquet," the dwarf muttered, then turned 
and walked away.

*     *     *

The hours passed by and at last, as the sun hung low in the 
western sky, the time for the wedding had come. Guests filled 
the wooden benches that faced the arch of flowers, where Shrek 
stood beside Donkey, awaiting the entrance of the bride.  The 
priest stood in front of them, holding his Bible, also 
waiting, his face a mask of serene patience wrought by years 
of experience.  Shrek glanced at the setting sun, then looked 
back around the clearing.  No Fiona.

"Where d'ya think she is?" Donkey whispered.

"I don't know," Shrek whispered back.

"You don't think she chickened out, do ya?"

"Chicken?  Fiona?  Hardly."

"Or maybe she just changed her mind?"

Shrek frowned down at his best 'man'.  "Donkey ..."

"Sorry, man, sorry!" Donkey said.  Then after a moment he 
added humbly, "And sorry 'bout those rings, too."

"Forget it," Shrek said, glancing back at the sun, Donkey's 
words having caused worries to creep into his mind.

"But -- well, it's not like I'm the first donkey to swallow 
his buddies' wedding rings before a marriage!"

Shrek looked back down at Donkey and cocked an eyebrow.

"Well, okay, maybe I AM," Donkey conceded, "but ... well, 
weird things happen in Duloc!"

"Tell me about it," Shrek muttered.

"Oh!  Okay!" Donkey said, surprised that Shrek had actually 
invited him to talk, "Well, here in Duloc --"

"Donkey!" Shrek snapped, "It was just an expression!"

"Oh," Donkey said, chagrinned.  "Sorry."

Just then some activity occurred in the area where the musical 
instruments were assembled.  Cinderella and Snow White, the 
latter carrying a sheet of paper, appeared from behind a clump 
of trees near the large organ.  Snow trotted over to where one 
of the dwarves sat at the organ's bench, handed him the paper, 
and whispered something into his ear.  The dwarf smiled, 
nodded, sat the paper on the stand in front of him, then 
nodded toward Thelonious, who stood by the organ's pump.  
Thelonious nodded back, then began working the pump as the 
audience, which had caught on to the activity behind them, 
looked back and started murmuring.  Then the dwarf looked at 
the paper and began playing the familiar wedding theme -- 
well, played the first four notes of it.  But he held down the 
fourth note for several seconds, and as he did so Cinderella 
and Snow White took a stance to either side of one of the 
microphone stands, apparently so they could share the mike.  
As they did so, Goldilocks, holding a wicker basket, dashed 
out from behind the clump of trees and ran to the back of the 
'aisle' that the opening between the rows of benches formed, 
where she turned and waited.  Then, from behind the same 
trees, Fiona appeared, holding a bouquet of flowers.  Her eyes 
caught Shrek's, and they both smiled deeply.

Then the dwarf finally released the fourth note of the wedding 
march, but instead of continuing with that song he segued into 
the first, introductory notes of another, unfamiliar song.  As 
he played those notes, Fiona walked over to another microphone 
stand, removed the cordless mike from its holder, then looked 
at Shrek again and began singing a slow, sweet song.

    "There is something that I see
    In the way you look at me
    There's a smile, there's a truth in your eyes"

Then she turned and gestured toward Shrek's home.

    "What an unexpected way
    On this unexpected day
    Could it mean this is where I belong?" 

Then she looked back to Shrek as she concluded the verse:

    "It is YOU I have loved all along"

She began slowly walking toward the assembly, taking short 
steps in time to the music:

    "It's no more mystery
    It is finally clear to me
    You're the home my heart searched for so long
    And it is you I have loved all along"

Her steps had taken her to the back row of the benches that 
made up the 'aisle'.  She stopped and stood there, her eyes 
drifting downward as she sang the next verse, her voice 
cracking ever so slightly:

    "There were times I ran to hide
    Afraid to show the other side
    Alone in the night without you"

Then she swung her face back up and towards Shrek, her voice 
resuming its confidence:

    "But now I know just who you are
    And I know you hold my heart
    Finally this is where I belong
    It is you I have loved all aloooong"

As she began singing the chorus, Fiona began taking strides 
down the 'aisle' between the benches toward Shrek, her steps 
again in time to the music.  Goldilocks walked in front of 
her, spreading sunflower petals from her basket.  Meanwhile, 
back at their microphone stand, Cinderella and Snow White 
began singing background vocals to Fiona's lead in the chorus:

    "It's no more mystery
    It is finally clear to me
    You're the home my heart searched for so loooong
    And it is you I have loved allll a-loooong"

Fiona, now only a few feet from Shrek,  then closed her eyes, 
tossed her head back, and threw her entire being into start of 
the next verse, her voice booming at the top of its range.  
Some of the smaller and more delicate fairy folk actually 
cringed at its power:

    "OVER and OVER
    I'm FILLED with E-MO-TION
    YOUR LOVE, it RU-USHES THROUGH... MY VEEEEINS ..."

Then she reopened her eyes and looked back at Shrek, her voice 
steadily softening as she concluded the verse:

    "And I am filled
    With the sweetest de-vo-tion
    As I ... I look ... into your ... per-fect face ..."

Shrek blushed shyly and swallowed hard.  Meanwhile, Donkey 
observed, "Waittaminute, 'veins' don't rhyme with 'face'!" 
which was quickly met with a chorus of "SHHHH'es" from 
everyone in the front row.

Fiona smiled sweetly, then resumed her timed march up the 
aisle as she concluded the song:

    "It's no more mystery
    It is finally clear to me
    You're the home my heart searched for so loooong
    And it is YOU I have loved ...
    It is you I have LOVED ...
    It is you ... I have loved ... all aaaa-loooooooooooonnng"

The last step of the last lyric brought Fiona to her position 
right beside Shrek at the 'altar'.  Silence filled the 
clearing in the wake of Fiona's song as she and Shrek stood 
there, staring into each others' eyes and smiling.  After a 
few seconds, however, Fiona's expression slid from adoration 
to expectation.   Shrek cocked a confused eyebrow, and Fiona 
mouthed the words, "Your turn."

Shrek nodded, then reached inside his vest and withdrew a 
sheet of paper.  He looked over it, sighed, then suddenly 
crumpled it and let it fall to the ground.  Many in the 
audience gasped, and a loud murmuring ensued.  Meanwhile, 
Fiona watched the fall of the crumpled paper to the ground, 
then looked back up at Shrek, slack-jawed, an expression of 
shock on her face.

"I'm sorry, Fiona," Shrek said, his voice pained, "I tried 
sittin' down and writin' something really nice for ye.  But 
... well, it just doesn't hold a candle to what ye did for me 
just now.  It would'a been embarrassin', in fact.  Writin' 
flowery stuff just isn't my forte."  He then sighed, looked 
over to his house, gestured to it, and said, "For years, THAT 
was my fort.  A place where I could keep my feelings bottled 
up and protected.  An impenetrable place.  I figured that, 
here on my little island, I'd be safe from havin' my feelings 
hurt anymore, by stayin' away from anybody or anything that 
might hurt 'em.  A place of solitude and sanctuary.  And I 
convinced m'self that I was happy here, that I was free.  But 
then I met YOU, an' -- and I realized how wrong I was.  I 
thought that absence of pain meant happiness -- but after I 
met ye, an' then we were parted, I realized that absence just 
meant emptiness.  I realized that because, in the trip back to 
Duloc, you filled that emptiness -- that void -- with the 
sweetest, most wonderful presence I could ever have imagined.  
In fact, I COULDN'T have imagined it b'fore I met ye.  It 
would'a been like a man blind from birth tryin' t'imagine a 
beautiful masterpiece of a painting.  And now, to have ye here 
with me, here in this place, that void -- that empty spot in 
my bein' -- is filled.  You're the glue that fills and binds 
everything t'gether.  I love ye.  I always will.  I'd be proud 
to have ye as m'wife, even though I don't -- I'll never -- 
deserve ye, you being a princess and all --"

Fiona, whose expression had been steadily changing from shock 
when Shrek dropped the crumpled paper back to adoration as he 
spoke his spontaneous confession, now reached up and gently 
placed a hand on his lips.  "True nobility can come with green 
skin as easily as blue blood," she said, tears starting to 
well in her eyes, "and you are truly the most noble spirit I 
have ever met.  You are my prince, and I am proud to be your 
princess."  Here she removed her hand from Shrek's mouth, made 
a gesture that took in the swamp, then added, "And I look 
forward to ruling your beautiful principality here with you."

Fiona then flicked tears from the corners of her eyes, smiled 
up at Shrek, and joined her hands with his.  He smiled back at 
her.  Their eyes locked as they silently beheld each other.  
The priest, sensing his time had finally come, began reciting.  
"People ... and other citizens ... of Duloc, we gather here 
today ..."

As the priest continued reciting his part, Donkey's eyes 
drifted down to the paper that Shrek had crumpled and dropped 
and was now laying right in front of the equine.  Curious, he 
carefully pulled the paper open with his front hooves and saw 
that it contained a poem of several verses, the first couple 
of which read:

"Your longish ears
Your pudgy nose
They thrill me dear
From head to toes

When I embrace
Your rotund form
You fill my arms
And make me warm"

The other verses continued along the same lines.  Donkey shook 
his head and muttered to himself under his breath, "Oh, man, 
Shrek, it's a good thing you went improv! Who'd write anything 
like THIS?"  Donkey then kicked the paper aside and looked 
back up to the priest, who had reached the part where he asked 
for objections.

"If anyone in this assembly knows any just cause why this 
marriage should not be performed, let him speak now, or 
forever hold his peace."

Dragon, who has lying behind the last row of benches, suddenly 
gave a loud belch, as if in indigestion from something she 
ate.  Everyone looked back toward her.  She smiled, 
embarrassed, then shook her head and waved for them to 
continue.  Everyone turned back to the way they were before.  
Fiona looked at Shrek's face and giggled at the relieved 
irritation that had replaced his brief look of concern.  He 
chuckled back.

"Fiona," the priest said, "do you take Shrek to be your 
husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for 
better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in 
health, to love and to cherish, until death do you part?"

"I DO!" Fiona said boldly and unflinchingly, staring into 
Shrek's eyes.

"And you, Shrek," the priest said, "do you take Fiona to be 
your wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for 
better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in 
health, to love and to cherish, until death do you part?"

As the priest spoke, Shrek had been staring into Fiona's deep 
blue eyes, feeling himself almost getting lost in those two 
glimmering pools.  When the priest finished his question and 
paused, Shrek nodded, smiled deeply, and replied, "Aye."

Several seconds of silence ensued, and Fiona's smile faded and 
her face started taking on a look of anxiety as the audience 
again started to murmur.  Shrek was perplexed for a moment, 
then realized the problem.  "DO!" he said loudly.  "I DO!"

The murmuring died, replaced in some quarters by laughter, and 
Fiona resumed her benevolent smile, now accented with a touch 
of amusement.

"And so, by the power invested in me," the priest concluded, 
"I now pronounce you husband and wife.  Those whom God has 
joined together, let no man ... or whatever ... put asunder. 
You may kiss the bride."

Fiona and Shrek, now wed, continued staring at each other a 
moment longer.  Fiona blushed and shivered.  Shrek also felt 
color rising to his cheeks.  "Mrs. Zach," he said quietly, "I 
think we somehow skipped over that 'obey' part."

Fiona shrugged innocently, then giggled and leaned forward.  
Shrek did the same.  Their eyes closed and their lips embraced 
yet again.  The priest and Donkey both stepped away to let the 
newlyweds have the stage to themselves.  The audience cheered 
and a cascade of flower petals was released above them.  But 
Shrek and Fiona, still locked in their first post-nuptial 
kiss, somehow didn't notice.  As the kiss lingered, Donkey 
looked back past the last row of benches and saw Dragon there, 
staring at him and looking a bit lonely.  He trotted back to 
her, smiled and said, "So, they're finally married.  Princess 
and ogre.  Man, could you imagine any odder couple gettin' 
hitched?"  She smiled back at him and batted her eyes.

And they all lived happily ever after.

Until ...

                         ~ THE END ~