Chapter 2: Caught in the Reign


Somewhere inside Fiona a familiar, smoldering ember blazed to 
life.  To her credit, she managed to resist the first impulse 
that struck her in such situations; that being the immediate 
infliction of pain, preferably physical, on the party 
responsible for the flare-up.  Instead, her mind waged a quick 
but intense debate on the proper course of action.  A part of 
her considered simply conceding -- letting Shrek have his way, 
and thus make him happy.  After all, she really wanted this 
man, and to start resisting his wishes might work to wound his 
ego and drive him away. But she quickly squelched this idea.  
To become a docile, subservient appendage to him, just because 
he was "the man" of the partnership and needed his ego stroked, 
was a medieval concept that she found repugnant.  If she and 
Shrek were to be happy together, then they had to be happy with 
each other, which meant they BOTH had to not only share mutual 
love, but mutual respect.  

So Fiona took a deep breath, reached up to her shoulders, and 
laid one of her hands on either of his.  As he turned back from 
the two men to face her, she firmly lifted his hands off of her 
shoulders.  She then placed his hands together and cupped her 
own hands over them, then looked into his now bewildered face 
and spoke.

"Shrek -- darling -- " she said, speaking slowly and 
deliberately but with an obvious edge to her voice, and using a 
term of endearment for him for the first time, "I love you 
immensely.  But please -- please don't speak for me when I'm 
capable of speaking for myself.  Like ... ever."

Shrek stared at her for a few seconds, apparently dumfounded.  
Then a wry smile played at the corner of his mouth.  "Y'always 
was the feisty one," he said.   

She smiled back.  "Would you really want me any other way?"  
She hoped the question was rhetorical.
 
He shook his head.  "Never.  I love ye just the way y'are.  And 
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to presume, but --"  Shrek then 
glanced over to where Beaglely and Milquest stood just a few 
feet away, observing the two ogres and apparently hanging on 
their every word.
 
"'Scuse us.  We need some privacy," Shrek said gruffly to the 
two men.  Not waiting for an acknowledgment, he took one of 
Fiona's hands and led her toward the far wall of the stage.  
His stride was long and brisk, and Fiona had to trot to keep 
up.

"HEY!" she called to him, having to reach up with her free hand 
to make sure the crown didn't topple off her head.  It had not, 
of course, been sized for her in her current dimensions.  "Slow 
down!  This is NOT dignified!"

"'Not dignified!'" Shrek mimicked her, swinging back to face 
her as they came to a halt by the wall and relative isolation.  
"Fiona, would'ja listen to yourself?!  You're startin' to talk 
just like y'did b'fore!"

Fiona's eyes squinted in confusion as she tried to follow.  
"B'fore -- I mean, before ... what?" she asked.

"You know!" he said, getting a bit flustered and his speech 
becoming more rapid, "B'fore yesterday!  B'fore 'We got off to 
a bad start, let's try again' -- b'fore th'eggs n' the bandits 
n' the web candy n' the balloons n' the weedrats n' -- b'fore 
EVERYTHING!"

Fiona offered a small, mirthless grin.  "So," she said, with a 
touch of self-reproach, "I wasn't very good at being a 
princess, is what you're telling me."

"No, that's NOT what I'm sayin'," he replied, "I'm saying 
you're not good at actin' like some shallow, cookie-cutter, 
cara-- cara-- oh, what's that word--"

Fiona lifted an eyebrow.  "Caricature?" she offered.

"Yes!  Exactly!" he said, "Like some shallow, cookie-cutter 
caricature of some silly fairy-tale version of a princess!"

But Fiona's expression turned even more downcast.  She stared 
down at the floor absently and caught a glint of shiny metal.  
She casually leaned down and picked up what she recognized as 
her wedding ring -- the one Farquaad would have placed on her 
finger had she not had them skip that part.  Apparently, in his 
enthusiasm to create his own cue card, Thelonious, not the 
sharpest tool in the shed, had simply tossed the pillow with 
the valuable solid gold rings aside and hers had rolled here.  
She turned the heavy piece of jewelry over in her hands, hands 
with ring fingers twice too wide now to fit it.  She sighed and 
tucked the ring into one of the folds of her dress.

Shrek sighed also, stepped forward, gently laid a hand on 
either side of her face, and tenderly lifted her head so she 
was looking at him.  "Listen t'me," he said softly, "I'm just 
sayin' you need to quit actin'.  Just be who y'are.  'Cause ye 
ARE a princess -- or queen, or whatever royal title anybody 
kin' think up.  Everything about ye says it.  There's no need 
to go actin' like somethin' less than y'already are."

She smiled.  "You're sweet," she said, appeased at his words if 
not yet entirely convinced.  "Is that what you brought me over 
here to say?"

"No," he replied, "I wanted to tell ye we need to get goin'."

"But why?" she asked.

Shrek looked a bit hurt.  "So I could show you the swamp.  I -- 
I thought you wanted t'go."

"I DO," she countered, "but that was before -- I've got 
responsibilities here now!"

Shrek's jaw dropped for a moment, then he said, "You're not 
seriously considerin' becomin' their QUEEN are ye?"

"It's not a choice," she said, "I AM their queen now.  Didn't 
you hear Beaglely?"

"I don't CARE what Eagle-- er, Bagel-- er, WHATEVER his name 
was said," Shrek said, starting to loose his temper somewhat, 
"ye can't stay here!"

"Why not?" she asked, "I mean, at least for a while.  It's not 
like the swamp's going to disappear--"

"Because I can't stay here, alright?!" he finally spat out, 
"and YOU an' -- an' ME, we--I mean -- well, you know.  B'sides, 
I don't trust 'em."

"Don't trust WHO, exactly?" she asked.

"Hey, guys!  What's the holdup?" Donkey inquired.

"G'AAH!" Shrek and Fiona both gasped in surprise as they looked 
down to see Donkey had suddenly appeared beside them.  They 
quickly shot glances over to where they had thought Donkey had 
been.  Dragon was alone now; she lay on her stomach, her head 
propped up by one paw, her other paw strumming the floor with 
its fingers.  She looked utterly bored.

"Donkey, fer someone who's so loud o'mouth, ye sure ere quiet 
o'foot," Shrek observed irritably, causing Fiona to have to 
suppress a giggle.

"Oh.  Sorry 'bout that, man.  Didn't mean to startle ya," 
Donkey apologized, "but don'cha think it's time we hit the 
road?"

"That's just what I was sayin', t'her" Shrek said.

"No," Fiona corrected, "what you were ABOUT to tell me was who 
you didn't trust."

"ANY of 'em!" he replied testily, "humans -- NONE of 'em kin be 
trusted."

Fiona raised an eyebrow.  "Oh?" she said, "that's rather a 
broad net to cast, isn't it?  A bit judgmental, in fact.  What 
was that thing about not judging people before you got to know 
them?"

"This -- this's different," he said, retreating a step in his 
argument.

"Besides, you may recall I was human," she added.

"That's right!" Donkey chimed in, "In fact, Shrek didn't even 
know you were -- well, you know, your secret -- 'til we got 
here.  He wanted you just like you were before -- you know, 
pretty an' thin an' stuff, not like you are now!"

Fiona bit her lip and looked away, while Donkey cringed under 
the seething glare Shrek gave him.

"I -- uh --" the animal stuttered, "I mean ... now that you're 
REALLY gorgeous!"   He offered Fiona a big, uneasy, toothy 
grin.

Fiona chuckled despite herself, then turned back to Shrek.  
"So," she said to him, "you really didn't know -- despite what 
you said this morning?"

"This mornin'?" Shrek echoed, his eyes narrowing as he tried to 
think of what she might be talking about.  Then it struck him, 
and his eyes popped wide open in horror of what he recalled.

"Oh, God, I didn't tell ye!" he exclaimed, pounding the side of 
his head.  "Oh, Fiona, I'm so sorry!  When I heard you talkin' 
last night about 'who could love a horrible, ugly beast,' I 
thought you wuz talkin' 'bout ME, not YOURSELF!  What I said 
t'ya, this morn' -- God, that musta' really hurt!"

"Yes," she said, wincing a touch at the memory of his cruel 
words.

"I'm SO sorry!" he wailed, "I was SO wrong.  Can ye forgive 
me?"

Fiona saw the sorrow emanating from his face.  She offered as 
reassuring a smile as she could muster, and reached out to 
stroke his cheek.  "It's alright," she said,  "that's one of 
the things lovers do, they forgive each other.  Besides, we're 
both still learning.  I guess communication's one of those 
areas we've got to work on."

He took her hand and kissed it, then looked back at her, his 
face taking on a quizzical expression.  "But, when ye stepped 
away from Farquaad -- when ye said ye meant to show me b'fore -
- why... ?"  He left the question hanging.

She reflected for a moment, then replied,  "This morning you 
said you'd HEARD what I said last night, not that you'd SEEN -- 
anything.   Then, after you came rushing down the aisle and 
said what you said, I figured you'd had a change of heart.  But 
after what you'd just put yourself through for me, I decided 
you deserved to see -- everything -- for yourself." 

Fiona then simply looked at Shrek and smiled.  "Besides," she 
said, "there was just something I was able to read in you that 
went beyond words.  I guess it was -- I don't know -- a kind of 
sixth sense."
 
Shrek smiled back at her, but Donkey immediately became 
flustered.  "Sixth sense?" he sputtered.  "You mean ... you're 
able to see the ghosts of dead people now?!"
 
"Huh?  Oh -- no, Donkey," Fiona said, taken off guard by his 
unexpected reaction but trying to sound soothing, "it's just an 
expression that --"
 
But it was too late.  "Oh, great!" the agitated animal 
continued, "It's bad enough going through that castle and 
seeing all the dead people who were -- well, DEAD -- but now 
hangin' around somebody who sees 'em walking around 'n stuff 
like they're still ALIVE?!  Oh, man I dunno if I can take this 
--"
 
As Donkey continued his fit, Shrek and Fiona looked at each 
other and shared a small "what can you do?" grin and shrug.  
Meanwhile, Dragon, observing her equine companion from a few 
yards away, allowed herself an amused grin at his adorable 
quirkiness.
 
Suddenly Donkey, who had taken to prancing in a tight little 
circle as he spoke, came to a total halt in both movement and 
speech.  He found himself looking at Beaglely, who had walked 
up to within a few feet of the group but was now simply 
standing there, quite still, his pallid features 
expressionless.
 
"AHHHHH!!!" Donkey screamed, "IT'S CATCHIN'!  NOW I'M SEEIN' 
'EM, TOO!"
 
With that, Donkey quickly dove behind Shrek, who rolled his 
eyes heavenward and shook his head.  But Shrek then turned his 
gaze -- a very unfriendly gaze -- toward Beaglely.  "I thought 
I told ye we wanted some privacy," the ogre growled.
 
"Yes, I know," Beaglely said, entirely unintimidated, then 
walked up even closer to stand within a yard of the ogres.
 
Shrek began to take a step towards Beaglely but then felt 
Fiona's retraining hand on his arm.
 
"What is it, Mr. Beaglely?" she asked.
 
Beaglely addressed Fiona.  "I take it you're debating whether 
to remain her in Duloc or to take your leave with your ... 
friend."
 
"Yes," she replied, a bit uneasily, "we were -- uh, getting to 
that."
 
"There's something you should know," Beaglely continued, his 
voice just over a whisper, "Please don't be overt, but take a 
look behind me and to my right at the soldier wearing the 
ornamental sash -- he's by the wall near the front row of 
pews."
 
Shrek and Fiona's eyes shifted to observe the person as 
Beaglely had directed, while Donkey peered out from behind 
Shrek's legs directly at him.
 
"Yes," Fiona said, keeping her voice as low as Beaglely's, "I 
noticed him earlier.  He doesn't look particularly friendly."
 
"Not only that ..." Shrek said thoughtfully, forgetting his 
irritation with Beaglely for the moment, "I've seen him before 
--"
 
"Hey, yeah!" Donkey said, his voice not exactly a whisper, 
"ain't that--"
 
"Donkey, keep your voice down!" Fiona said, as she observed 
Beaglely actually wince at the animal's outburst.
 
"Shrek," Donkey said, his voice obediently lowered, "that's the 
soldier that was chasin' me through the woods that day we met -
- y'know, when I ran into ya.  The guy that was roundin' up all 
those fairy tale people."
 
"Aye, i'tis," Shrek agreed, then looked suspiciously at 
Beaglely.  "What about 'im?"
 
"That's the Captain of the Guards, Captain Gledius," Beaglely 
replied.  "He is in charge of the Duloc military.  All soldiers 
and guards of all stripes report to him.  In turn, he answers 
only to the leader of Duloc.  Up until a few minutes ago, that 
was Farquaad.  With Farquaad gone, and since he left no heirs, 
that leaves only one person Gledius reports to."  Beaglely 
paused, then addressed Fiona directly again.  "And that is to 
you, Your Majesty.  If you decline the monarchy and choose to 
leave Duloc, that will create a power vacuum -- one that I am 
quite certain that Gledius will fill with a military 
dictatorship."
 
Fiona stood, stunned, at the enormity of the weight that 
Beaglely had just placed on her shoulders.  She felt 
speechless.
 
Shrek, however, felt no such inhibitions.  "Okay," he said, 
"then why can't ye just arrest this Gledius right now, b'fore 
we leave, if ye feel he's so frickin' dangerous?"
 
"Aside from the fact he hasn't actually DONE anything yet," 
Beaglely replied with veiled reproach, "Gledius is just the 
main symptom of the larger disease, that being the power vacuum 
itself.  There are other would-be tyrants in the military 
ranks.  Without the stabling influence of the monarchy, I fear 
that, even if Gledius himself is removed, we would end up with 
a dictatorship."
 
"So?" Shrek challenged, "What's the big deal?  Sounds to me 
pretty much like what ye already had under Farquaad."

"Perhaps," Beaglely conceded, "but judging from the character 
of our new queen, I would say that Duloc would be much better 
off under her reign."
 
Shrek's lip curled in distaste.  "Stop tryin' to suck up to 
'er," he said.
 
"I'm just stating a deduction based on my observations," 
Beaglely responded flatly, "or do you disagree?"
 
Shrek just glowered at the man for a moment longer, then turned 
back to Fiona.  Her face still bore a mixture of fright and 
uncertainty.
 
"Fiona," Shrek entreated, "please -- please don't let this guy 
confuse ye.  This isn't what ye bargained for.  Please let me 
take ye away from all this."
 
"But Duloc --" she began.
 
"Duloc be hanged!" Shrek retorted.  "Let the humans play their 
little power games 'n sort out their own little intrigues.  
It's what they're good at.  Don't put yerself in the middle o' 
all that.  Ye might get hurt.  And I-- I couldn't stand that--"
 
Shrek's voice, which had begun to crack ever so slightly, 
trailed off.  He looked down, brought his hand to his mouth and 
loudly cleared his throat, then quickly and as surreptitiously 
as possible swiped at his eye so as to stanch the tear he felt 
welling there.  But his efforts did not go unnoticed by Fiona, 
who felt herself fall a little bit more in love with the man.
 
"Oh, my Love," she said softly to him, "I really wish we could 
both go away this very moment.  I belong to you.  You belong to 
me.  I know that.  But I-- I can't just walk away.  Not right 
now."
 
"Yes, you can!" Shrek implored, "Their little 'power vacuum' is 
not your problem!"

A small, ironic smile played at the corner of Fiona's mouth.  
Shrek's words were so like the ones she had used herself after 
their escape from the dragon's keep when he had insisted that 
they go to Duloc so that he could turn her over to Farquaad, 
complete his quest, and disappear back into blissful, solitary 
obscurity.  The uncouth, stubborn, self-absorbed ogre and the 
pristine, obstinate, self-centered princess.  God, was that 
only two days ago?  Yes, two days and a lifetime away.  So many 
things had changed since then -- in every conceivable sense.  

Fiona forced her thoughts back to the present, and looked at 
Shrek.  He stared at her, his big eyes pleading.  He was not 
thinking about the irony.  He was only thinking about her.  She 
offered a sad smile and said, "Yes, I'm afraid it is.  It 
became my problem when they pronounced me Queen."

Shrek opened his mouth to protest, but then simply let out a 
sigh of resignation.  Something about Fiona's demeanor -- the 
quiet but firm way she had spoken those words, the way her face 
was set -- told him that further argument would be an exercise 
in futility.  He simply settled for saying, "Too bad I couldn't 
've arrived a few seconds earlier n' prevented that."   He then 
cast an accusatorial glance at Donkey, who cowered slightly 
then looked back up at his friend with one of his big 
apologetic grins.

Fiona shook her head.  "No," she said, "it's nobody's fault but 
my own.  It's time I started taking responsibility for my 
actions.  And that's why I can't leave while Duloc needs me."  
She laughed at that.  "God, sounds like some kind of hubris, 
huh?"

Shrek smiled sadly but did not laugh.  "No," he replied, "it 
sounds like some special kind of lady."

She chuckled mirthlessly, then her eyes drifted downward and 
she said slowly, "You -- you know you don't have to stay here 
if you don't want to.   I mean, I know that this isn't exactly 
your type of place, and you'd probably feel uncomfortable here.  
So don't -- don't feel obliged to -- I mean, I don't want to 
make you feel you have to-- "
 
But he took her upper arms in his large hands, prompting her to 
look up and lock her eyes with his.  He looked back at her 
intensely as he began to speak.  "Fiona, I just came here 
directly from my swamp. It was a place where bein' alone used 
t'give me the greatest pleasure of my life.  But bein' there 
alone -- after bein' with you -- t'was nothin'.   NOTHIN' -- 
without you there t'share't with me."  He sighed heavily.  "I 
really want to take ye back there right now, Fiona.  I really 
think I can make ye happy there.  But if ye feel ye need t'stay 
here -- well, I know now I'd be happier bein' with ye in hell 
than bein' without ye in heaven.  So I can guess I can manage 
stayin' here m'self.  For a while, anyways."

Fiona found herself speechless.  She felt tears start to well 
in her eyes again, and then felt herself starting to lean 
forward toward Shrek once more.  He leaned toward her also.  
Their eyes closed as their faces drew near each other, but just 
before their lips touched, Donkey spoke.

"Aawwww, that's so sweet!" Donkey said, "Shrek, m'man, I didn't 
know you had such a way with words!"

The mood deflated, Shrek and Fiona reopened their eyes and drew 
back away from each other.  Shrek's face showed his irritation 
at the interruption, and the sight of it caused Fiona to smile 
shyly, which in turn prompted Shrek's initial scowl to melt 
into a grin as well.  "It's easy, Donkey," he replied, still 
looking at Fiona, "when you're inspired."

"Oh, yeah, I know all 'bout 'inspiration!'" Donkey said, and 
cast a glance back at Dragon.  She smiled at him, and he 
returned it -- but it was a smile that was not entirely easy on 
his part.  The first complimentary words he had spoken to 
Dragon were inspired not by affection, but rather by terrified 
self-preservation -- a fact that he hoped she would never 
learn.  For like Shrek, Donkey had a girlfriend with a fiery 
temper.  But unlike Fiona, Dragon could express hers literally.

"Excuse me," Beaglely said, stepping forward again.

Shrek turned to glower at the other interloper.  "What is it 
NOW, Eagleby?" he grumbled.

"'Beaglely,'" Beaglely corrected.

"Whatever," Shrek shrugged dismissively, and missed the 
chastising little glance Fiona threw his way.
 
 "Yes, Mr. Beaglely, what is it?" Fiona asked, her tone more 
polite but not entirely void of irritation itself.

"Your Majesty," Beaglely began, "I'm not an emotional man --"
 
"Noooo, really?" Shrek gibed, then let out a little "oof" as 
Fiona slightly elbowed him in the gut.  She nodded for Beaglely 
to go on.
 
"However," Beaglely continued, unperturbed, "having witnessed 
everything that I have today, I can't help but feel you are the 
type of monarch capable of the compassion necessary to try 
something that has been tried very few times in history.   And 
it is something that I think will solve both your own dilemma, 
and Duloc's."

Both Shrek and Fiona showed peaked interest at these words.  
"Well, go on man, spit it out!" Shrek encouraged.

Beaglely opened his mouth to go on, then checked himself.  "Not 
here," he said, "we need a place with more privacy.  Might I 
suggest your royal council chamber, Your Majesty?"

"My -- oh, uh, sure," Fiona said.  "But I'm afraid I'm not 
familiar with --"

"Not a problem," Beaglely said, "but there is one other 
important principal we need to join us.  That would be --"

"Uh -- excuse me, Your Highness," a skittish voice from a few 
yards away said.  The group looked over to see Mayor Milquest 
standing there, fidgeting with his hat as he addressed Fiona.  
"The -- uh -- congregation is wondering if -- well, if 
everything is over and it is acceptable to you -- " he cast a 
nervous eye toward Dragon, then back to Fiona, "if they may be 
dismissed..."
 
"Oh, of course!  Please do," Fiona acceded, surprising herself 
by having forgotten the large congregation altogether.
 
"Thank you, Your Highness," the mayor said, obviously relieved, 
and quickly strode back to the front of the stage and addressed 
the crowd in his loud officious voice, "Friends and neighbors 
of Duloc!  The Queen thanks you for attending the wedding and -
- um -- hopes you had an enjoyable -- no, uh, well, INTERESTING 
time!  May we ALL live in interesting times!  And, uh, well, 
you may return to your homes!  Thank you for coming, and good 
night!"

Shrek shook his head at the pompous little politician.  Then he 
spoke to Beaglely again.  "Okay, Bagely --"

"'Beaglely,'" Beaglely corrected.

"Yeah, yeah, Beaglely.  Who's this other important person that 
needs t'join us?"

"Mayor Milquest," Beaglely said, nodding to the politician who 
still stood at the front of the stage. The mayor was perspiring 
somewhat and still working the brim of his hat nervously as he 
waved every so often to one or the other members of the 
congregation as they made their way down the aisle and out the 
main doors.
 
"Great," Shrek mumbled to himself, "just great."

Beaglely then waved to Gledius, who had not moved from his spot 
at the side of the church.  "Captain!" Beaglely called, "A 
word, please!"
 
Gledius's face turned from a mild scowl to surprise to 
something resembling fright in quick succession as his gaze 
moved from Shrek to Beaglely to Dragon.  He swallowed, tried to 
neutralize his expression, and then began slowly walking toward 
the stage.  Meanwhile, Shrek, Fiona, Donkey, and Milquest all 
looked at Beaglely with surprise of their own.
 
"Man, what're you doin'?!" Donkey asked, somehow remembering to 
keep his voice low, "I thought you said--"
 
"I did," Beaglely whispered back, "but we need to establish 
who's in charge and let him know we're not afraid of him."
 
"Even if we ARE?" Donkey persisted.
 
"ESPECIALLY if we are," Beaglely replied.

Donkey cocked an eyebrow as his face took on a familiar, 
perplexed look.  He started to say something else, but Shrek 
shushed him as Gledius came within hearing distance.  The 
captain mounted the steps to the stage, his gaze still shifting 
between Beaglely and the dragon.  He seemed to be trying to 
ignore Shrek, and didn't even seem to acknowledge Donkey's 
existence.
 
"Yes?" Gledius said, halting in front of Beaglely and trying to 
act as emotionless as the town manager.
 
"First," Beaglely said, "perhaps you'd like to pay your 
respects to our new queen."
 
Beaglely stepped aside.  Fiona looked awkwardly from Beaglely 
to Shrek, who was keeping a wary eye trained on Gledius.  She 
then took a few tentative steps forward until she stood 
directly in front of the captain.
 
Gledius just stared at her for a few seconds, then said, "Your 
Majesty," kneeled, and bowed his head.
 
Fiona stared down at him, taken somewhat aback.  Recovering 
after a few moments, she said, "Oh!  Uh, please arise, 
Captain!"
 
As Gledius stood, Donkey could contain himself no longer.  "I 
guess the shoe's on the other hoof now, huh?!" he chided the 
captain.  Gledius looked down at the animal, surprised at the 
outburst.  "Oh, yeah, you recognize me, don'cha?" Donkey 
continued.  "Not such hot stuff now, like you was actin' out in 
the forest pushin' little wooden puppets and dwarves around, 
huh?"

Gledius's brow furrowed in anger for a moment, and he started 
to say something.  But then his eyes drifted again to the 
dragon, who had keyed off Donkey's lead and was staring down 
the captain with fiery eyes.

"What'sa matter?" Donkey prodded, "Dragon got'cha tongue?"

Dragon smiled coyly, and allowed the tip of her own tongue to 
slide across her lips as she continued staring at Gledius, as 
if she were expecting a meal.  The captain had visibly started 
sweating.

"Donkey, stop it!" Fiona said sternly.  She looked to Shrek for 
support, but he was smirking as well, apparently enjoying the 
berating.

"Actually, Donkey's gotta point," Shrek said, staring at 
Gledius, "this guy tried t'arrest me, too."  Shrek then turned 
and looked at her, and added, "Just fer bein' an ogre."

Fiona blushed, not knowing what to say to that.  Gledius, his 
voice starting to tremble, spoke to her.  "I was just obeying 
Lord Farquaad's orders, Your Majesty."

"Oh, really nice excuse," Shrek scoffed.

"Yeah.  And they call ME an ass!" Donkey tossed in.

Gledius continued to speak to Fiona, trying to ignore the other 
creatures' scorn.  "I apologize if, in retrospect, my service 
to my previous liege does not meet with your approval.  But I 
live to serve Duloc and my loyalty is to her rightful ruler.  
Your will is now my command."

Fiona still seemed at a loss for words, so Beaglely quickly 
stepped in.  "Then I think the queen would like an escort to 
the castle now.  Wouldn't you, Your Majesty?"

"Oh," Fiona said, "uh, yes, that would be nice.  If you please, 
Captain."

"Very well, M'lady," he said, then with an askance glance at 
Shrek and Donkey -- and Dragon -- hurried back down the steps.

Shrek and Donkey chuckled as they watched the captain depart.  
Meanwhile, Beaglely and Fiona silently watched them, he with 
checked annoyance, she with somewhat less constrained pique.

"Donkey," Shrek said mockingly, "I don't know if you were able 
t'smell it, but I believe our brave capt'n has had a li'l 
accident."

"You kiddin'?  'Course I did!" Donkey laughed, "I think that 
guy's one prime candidate for Depends!"

Their laughter picked up, and Fiona's green face started taking 
on a definite reddish hue.  She marched the two steps to where 
Shrek stood and struck the front of his shoulder hard with the 
heel of her palm, forcing him around to face her.

"OW!" the ogre said, as both his and Donkey's laughter suddenly 
transformed into surprised silence. "What was THAT for?"

"What do you THINK that was for?!" she somehow managed to yell 
and keep her voice down at the same time.  "What do you call 
THAT?!  What in the world were you trying to accomplish?!"

Shrek smiled and replied, "Relax, Sweetheart.  I was just --"

"WE was just," Donkey corrected, with some pride.

"Okay," Shrek granted, "WE was just puttin' a little fear o'God 
into the man.  One thing I've learned in all my years o' 
wardin' off uppidy humans, is that intimidation goes a long way 
'n keepin' them in line.  And besides, Beasley here DID say we 
should let the man know who's in charge."

"Yes, I did," Beaglely conceded, still restraining his own 
irritation, "but I did NOT say we should provoke him.  That 
could prove ... counterproductive."

Shrek guffawed.  "But the man's a coward!" he said.

"True," Beaglely allowed, "but he's a coward with power.  And 
they can be dangerous.  Farquaad himself, as you may recall, 
was too cowardly to attempt to rescue the princess, preferring 
to employ a surrogate.  Yet, if not for the timely arrival of 
your large friend there --" he gestured to Dragon -- "neither 
you nor the queen would be in very comfortable circumstances 
right now, and would be at his mercy."

Shrek thought about that for a few moments, grumbling to 
himself.  He hated being bested by this ferret of a human, and 
especially hated it since Fiona was agreeing with him.

"I guess he's right, Shrek," Donkey said consolingly, "maybe 
you shouldn't 've been so hard on the guy."

Shrek glared down at Donkey.  The animal looked back up at him, 
apparently without a clue as to why the ogre looked angry.  
"What?" Donkey asked innocently, cocking a confused eyebrow 
again.

Before Shrek could reply, Gledius was back.  He had ten armored 
soldiers in tow.  "We're ready to leave when you are, Your 
Majesty," he said to Fiona.

Fiona looked over to Beaglely, who nodded.  "I guess we're 
ready to go now," she said.

"Hold on a sec," Shrek objected.

Fiona looked over at him, a bit confused now herself.  "What is 
it, Shrek?" she asked.

"With all DUE respect," he said, looking from Beaglely to 
Gledius, "I'd like t'add my own 'security arrangements.'  Never 
can be too safe, y'know."  He looked down to Donkey again, and 
jerked his head toward Dragon.  "Come on," he said, and led the 
animal over to their guardian, where the three had a brief 
huddle.